For Newbies, It’s A Catch 22

This article is for guys who want to learn pickup but are too afraid to go into the field. If you’re already good at pickup, don’t bother with this one.

After teaching pickup for the last 5 years, I’ve seen my fair share of guys who read pickup tips and then don’t try any of it. It’s the paramount problem that prevents people from improving.

For some guys, there’s a vicious cycle going on.

They can’t get women because they don’t have a lot of balls.

The won’t get any balls until they go into the field.

They can’t go into the field because they’re too scared of what might happen.

So the process of learning can’t ever begin, because in order to learn pickup, you must spend many hours in the field.

It’s a catch 22. You need the fear to go away so you can go in field, but the fear won’t go away until you go in field.

A lot of newbies are caught in this catch 22. They begin to feel that the field is an unattainable goal, and the only thing that might help their game is to read and study some more.

The bad news is that you can’t read and study your way into a girl’s pants. This isn’t grad school. Memorizing a bunch of theories won’t get you very far.

Furthermore, all of that reading moves many students backwards when it’s done with no field time (see The Forbidden Truth).

The solution to this issue is to make the field more attainable to newbies. In order to get to this goal, we’ll have to go against a few of the core pickup values temporarily.

So if you feel like you’re caught in this catch 22, I want you to suspend disbelief for a moment. This isn’t about finding a perfect 10 and cold approaching her and seducing her for a same night lay. You’ll have to work your way up to that. For now, it’s better to start with much smaller goals.

The first goal is to be able to function and be comfortable in a night life environment.

The second goal is to be able to have a conversation with someone in a night life environment.

The third goal is to be able to talk to a woman or group of women for a good 10 minutes without getting negative or nervous.

If you can do that, you’ve made a small step towards seducing the super hotties you’ve got your eye on. But first things first.

In order to make this extremely easy and attainable, I’d like to turn you on to some of the easiest places to socialize. If you’re advanced, or you already have normal social skills, you can skip the rest of this article. This is purely for the guys who are sitting home reading because they are too scared to go out and meet women.

Here are the 2 easiest settings to socialize in:

1- BBW Parties

What’s a BBW, you might ask? Well it’s a politically correct term for “fat chick.” BBW stands for “big beautiful woman.” There are organizations that throw weekly or month parties for BBWs and their gentleman admirers.

The rejection rate is very low at this kind of event. You don’t have to be good at pickup at all. You don’t have to use any lines or techniques, just show up and start talking off the top of your head and you’ll be fine.

I’m not saying you have to date these women or have sex with them, but you can talk with them so you get used to being in the presence of a woman.

In many ways, they respond the same way a normal woman would respond. So it’s really good practice. If you can get good at gaming BBWs, it’s a small leap to being able to game average girls. Who knows, you might even feel some connection or spark with a woman, or make some good friends.

They have these parties all over the country. Just type your zip code and “BBW party” into Google and you’ll see what I mean. Here’s an example- www.clubbounce.net

2- Goth Clubs

The Goth scene is full of people who have trouble socializing and want to break out of this issue and build relationships with others like themselves. In some ways it’s inspirational. The Goths have turned social isolation into a virtue.

People in the goth scene are extremely friendly and accepting of others. They will talk to anyone, no matter how awkward they may be. Many Goths are overcoming social awkwardness themselves, and the goth scene is a safe haven for them to develop their social skills.

You don’t have to look like a goth or dress like a goth to go to a goth club. They’re not the kind of people who would exclude you based on what you’re wearing. Many people who go to goth clubs are 9 to 5 office worker types. Goth clubs have a lot of people who don’t “look the part.”

The best part is that even if you spend the whole night scared and sulking in the corner by yourself, that actually makes you pretty cool by goth standards.

The bonus is that you also get the occasional super hot goth chick in a corset and pigtails. That will brighten your day.

Even if you’re scared to death of social situations, you’ll probably do OK in these 2 settings.

I hope this helps you make the first small step towards becoming more social.

-Brad P.

Do you like chocolate ice cream, or vanilla? Maybe you like a different flavor… Maybe strawberry or butterscotch… What does this have to do with meeting women? EVERYTHING!

You see, all women are different, because no two people are the same. Yes, we have the same instincts and the same sexual desires but our personal preferences are as different as grains of sand in the desert. (That’s why the saying goes that people are as unique as snowflakes)

All women don’t like the same food, they don’t like the same clothes… They don’t even like the same COLOR. So how can all women be interested in the same thing from a man? Think about it – Some women like funny men. Some women like cocky men. Other women like gothic men, jocky men or men of a certain race, age or financial status.

So approaching women with the same techniques for starting conversation, or even the same techniques when it comes to the bedroom is a losing bet… But it’s been our best guess to date! It’s like playing the roulette wheel at the casino, and only placing your chips on either red or black.

Yeah, you’ll win 50% of the time, and maybe you’ll get her a little attracted to you… But it’s better than playing the numbers in the middle where your chances of success are slim and you’re likely to lose your shirt. It’s not the best way to play the game, however, it’s the SAFEST way. With the skills you have know, it’s the EASIEST way to win.

What if there was a BETTER way?

What if you could confidently bet all of your chips on a number in the middle? You’d win every time and you’d make a KILLING in profits. It’s the same way with women: When you know exactly what she likes; the deepest, darkest thoughts she thinks; and when you know what she secretly CRAVES from men, you can match her dating and sexual needs – perfectly.

You’ll be the guy she’s been looking for. You’ll appear like a mind reader. You’ll seem like you know her better than she knows herself. Even if you just met her a few minutes ago.

Until now, you couldn’t get this information about her unless you stole her diary and read it. But recent insights into Female Psychology have cracked her mind right open, and you can peek into her secret thoughts and read the contents. For example:

Did you know that there are two ways women like to be approached? 50% of women respond well to a compliment while the other 50% of women wouldn’t DREAM of “falling for a line like that.” If the beautiful woman you just met likes the compliment you gave her, she’ll start to connect with you and find her attractive.

If she doesn’t vibe with your line – You’re dead where you stand. You won’t get another chance to win her heart, and she’ll go back to whatever she was doing.

You can have THAT GIRL! You can save that conversation! With the new techniques I’ve discovered, you’ll know whether she’s a compliment girl – or not – before you ever approach her. (They’re called Testers and Investors… And the strategies to meet each type are potent and powerful)

I’m giving away a whole chunk of this system for free, and you can check it out at this link:

Check Out My System Here!

Don’t miss out, though… Because she’s eventually going to meet a guy who knows this system and wins her over.

Make sure YOU’RE that man who sweeps her off her feet.

Vin DiCarlo

I still get a huge adrenaline rush every time a guy flies in for a live, on-site weekend of coaching with us here in San Antonio.

At the baseline level, there’s the simple “do or die” factor associated with being the one who’s got to set the example first…paving the way to potential success for the guy who’s trusted me enough to put me to work for him.

Then comes the thrill of watching someone go from good to great at approaching women and creating attraction over the course of a weekend…probably finding out what that feels like for the first time EVER.

But there’s also something else that energizes me.  As much as I’m immersed in all things related to male/female attraction on a daily basis, I still learn A TON every single time I’m in-field with a student.

Some times what I learn is ALL NEW.  Other times it’s more like I get to witness a striking, real-life example that demonstrates in a particularly powerful way why a certain strategy really works.

Either way, it’s amazing and a lot of fun to experience.

This past weekend was no exception.  So if sharing some of what happened is of any benefit to you at all as you interact with women on a day-to-day basis, then so be it.

Here are a half-dozen noteworthy points that came up over the course of the weekend.  My guess is that some of what follows you may instinctively suspect is true already, but a dose of honest-to-goodness field-tested feedback can never, ever hurt.

1) What You Need To Know About Meeting Women At The Book Store

You’ve heard that bookstores are great places to meet women, and I agree.  There’s one major caveat, however—and one I never knew about until this weekend.

Guess what?  The next time you get blown out at Barnes and Noble, it may not have been about you at all.  Apparently, every multi-level marketer in the “get rich quick” world spends his or her time prowling bookstores on Saturday afternoon stalking people.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

During debriefings after approaches my friend made, I spoke to at least two women who expressed they were reticent to talk to ANYONE at a bookstore because of that.  Interestingly, they both STILL were enchanted by the conversation my friend had with them, so this isn’t exactly a “deal breaker”.

The takeaway here is to pick an aisle other than the one with all the business books, and choose an opener other than, “Hey, it looks like you’d like to make some extra money on the side too, huh?”

All told, that should be relatively simple to avoid.

2) The Stronger And More “Independent” She Is, The More She Wants You To Lead

We noticed a pair of female friends sitting at the bar, one of whom appeared to be particularly strong-willed and confident.  You know the type.  Lots of grandiose hand gestures and perpetually projecting the kind of body language that screams “Yeah, right”.

After my friend had a conversation with the pair that clearly engaged them effectively, I followed up to ask them how they think it went.

The one with the strong personality, who looked a lot like Pink, blurted out.  “Why didn’t he just tell me to give him my number?  We want a man who tells us what to do.”

Seizing the opportunity to explore that one, she went on to spout this gem:  “The next time a guy takes me out on a date and asks me what I want to do, I’m going to tell him to drop me off at the Walgreen’s [drug store] because I’m out of tampons.”

Isn’t it interesting how we as guys tend to think we ought to yield MORE to strong-willed women rather than LEAD more?   You’ve got to give women a man they can respect, and the stronger of a personality she is the more frustrated she probably is by the men she’s been meeting lately.  Count on it…and step up to the plate accordingly.

3) If You Say You’re Sorry, She’ll Agree

One of my soapboxes is how women are hard-wired to follow our lead as men.  If the point above demonstrates that fact, this one whacks it upside the head with a shovel.

Simply put, if you open a conversation with a woman with something to the effect of, “I’m sorry to bother you, but…” you’ve already stacked the deck against yourself.

4) Why Downplaying Your Interest Is Actually An Insult

We tend to think the best course of action when approaching a woman is to downplay why we’ve shown up in her airspace.

But least one time this past weekend my friend had to work to recover from exactly that kind of opener.

All he had said was that he was getting bored, so he decided to start a conversation.

Let’s just say that women don’t want to be the solution to your boredom.  They actually WANT you to be interested in them.  They WANT to know they captured your attention for real.

Imagine that…for many women it’s not only okay to express to them in some subtle way that you were attracted, it’s PREFERABLE.

Obviously, however, keep it simple.  Don’t pre-approve them as the new mistress of your universe.  That’s worse than being bored…that’s just boring.

5) A “Hybrid” Of Direct And Indirect Game Is Virtually Unstoppable

How about this?  Instead of debating whether or not “direct” or “indirect” game is the best way to go, consider using what I can only call a “hybrid” of the two.

We got more than our fair share of the usual feedback from women that they inherently KNOW what is going on when a guy approaches them.   Beating around the bush only betrays a low level of confidence.

But then again, saying something like, “I saw you from across the room and had to meet you” does indeed come off as a bit too strong for some women.

I’ve personally had great success with the latter type of approach, but yes…you really do have to gauge what the woman’s personality type is going to be like before starting the conversation in order decide whether or not you can pull that off.

And that, of course, isn’t always the easiest thing to do.

The disarmingly simple truth is this.  If you open with a confident line that conveys the right amount of energy, all the while not hiding AT ALL the fact that you were intrigued enough to come introduce yourself, things are WAY more likely to end well for you.

This concept has proven itself over and over again.

An example from this past weekend would be when we approached two women at a booth in a restaurant and casually mentioned to them that we were the self-appointed managers in charge of making sure everyone was having a good time.  When they laughed and began telling us how everything was, we told them that was great, but really we had just wanted to meet them.

The combination of playful banter and unabashed confidence won them over with breathtaking speed.  Emily and I turned away and started dancing together, leaving my friend to bask in the glory of this one.  Nice job.

6) Stop Fearing Whether She Is Married Or Not

You know how the classic excuse goes.  We talk ourselves out of approaching a woman because, “What if she’s married or has a boyfriend?”

Here it is:  IT DOESN’T MATTER.  At least not as far as getting “rejected” is concerned.

Why not?  Because if you approach a woman the right way, it’s JUST A CONVERSATION…at least at first.

As it turns out, at least 50% of the women my friend approached all weekend were NOT single.  And yet, every single one of those women still engaged in conversation.  EVERY ONE of them.

But here’s the crazy part.  At least a few of them smiled, nodded, leaned in and played with their hair.  Whatever attraction “looks” like, they exhibited it.

If you really have to find something to worry about in order to stay warm at night, concern yourself with what you’re going to do when you’ve flat-out enchanted a woman enough that she really, seriously WOULD go out with you…and THEN you find out she’s married.

That’s far more likely to be a well-founded concern than getting shut out from the get go.  I’m telling you, there are A LOT of frustrated wives out there, gentlemen.

All told, we had visited Barnes and Noble, a killer outfitter store, Target, a restaurant noted for employing particularly sexy waitresses and even the grocery store during the daytime.

At night, we warmed up by singing karaoke in front of the gnarliest audience in town…just to feel the love.  Then we progressed from a well-lit and very social bar to an equally friendly Irish pub.

After successfully meeting and enthralling two or three women at a time at those types of places it was time for the ultimate test.

We invited one of Emily’s attractive single friends along and we went to the two most notorious upscale hangouts for single people in town.  You know them well:  The AMOG-infested shark tanks with a granite bar, Chimay on tap and Italian sports cars littering the parking lot.

Same results.  And you can add a seventh bullet point to the list above.  Self-absorbed d-bag rich guys are a turn off—even to the women who showed up because they thought they might like to get asked out by one.

My friend from out of town RULED.  He and Emily’s friend even ended up getting along VERY nicely.  Go figure.

After pulling an all-nighter culminating in the standard “Breakfast Debriefing” over Chorizo and Egg tacos at Chacho’s around 4.30 am or so, it was time to hit the airport.

The last thing I said to him as we were pulling into San Antonio International was this.  “OK, man.  You’re on a run of having successfully talked to fifteen women or groups of women IN A ROW—I counted.  There’s no reason why you shouldn’t have your confidence HARD WIRED by now.  But just in case, here’s the first thing to do once you get out on your own this morning.  Talk to at least one woman here in this airport, and another when you change planes at DFW.”

I looked over and he was sound asleep…exhausted.

I laughed, and continued out loud, “Alright, you talked me into it.  You get a ‘Mulligan’ here.  But at DFW for sure.”

He caught his plane on time…and all was good in the universe.  As I drove away, I was reminded of why I’ve got the greatest job in the world…again.

When I got home I cracked a Shiner Bock and watched the 7am SportsCenter.  I couldn’t sleep.

Be Good,

Scot McKay

www.deservewhatyouwant.com

Many people who first begin to hear about the possibility of improving their dating life through understanding psychology refuse to believe it works. They would rather tell you how it must be complete rubbish than give it a try themselves, as people find it hard to believe that they’ve been doing something as natural as finding a partner completely wrong for their entire lives.

They find it difficult to accept there is an easy way of doing things that can drastically increase your chances with the opposite sex.

I love proving just how effective these techniques are. Now some of the theories may take time to put into practice however, there is one little lesson I love to teach which you can do RIGHT NOW!

It takes very little effort to do, and is relatively consequence free. So why not give it a try?

A while back I was sitting on the toilet staring at my phone wondering what I could do to improve my own methods… (Sorry for the graphic reference its the place where I get my best ideas)

Then I saw all the phone numbers of girls I have approached over the last 6 months scrolling past on my phone and I remembered something one of my good friends mentioned after we stopped seeing each other.

She deletes the phone numbers of people she doesn’t want to know.

She was explaining how she loves hanging out with me so much that she would stay in touch with me, but that every other guy she’s ever dated she hasn’t really wanted to keep in touch with and so she deleted his number.

Now upon further inspection by myself it turns out that many, many people do this.

So have you taken a girls number in the last 6 months only to have her stop responding to your text messages? Odds are my friend that she has deleted your number too!

This means you gain a massive advantage. You know who she is… but she can’t remember you!

With a little bit of knowledge of how attraction works you just might be able to rekindle something from the comfort of your own home.

I have experimented with different texts, and this was the set I felt had the best results to date.

This is a real text exchange between me and a girl that ignored my texts after getting her phone number in a club.

Adam: Watcha Cutie, how’s life treating you? Still Partying hard? or you getting too old for it now?

Cutie: Who is this?

Adam: Wow Forgotten already p I suppose thats how it is in media eh? I’m Adam the PR manager we met in umbaba, you said to give you a call, but I’ve been busy til now, how are you? Still partying? ;o)

Cutie: Ah Hi hun, yeah always, Im coming into town tonight x

Adam: Cool I’m heading to chinas tonight with a bunch of the girls… where are you heading?

Cutie: China too! See you there.

Cutie: Use this number in future huni… (sends me a new number)

I used to use this technique alot back in the day and its amazing how many actually start responding and really warming up to you.

So what to do with all those old Phone numbers… don’t throw them away.

Simply recycle It’s better for the environment.

AFC Adam
InstantAttractionTraining.com

Hello All,

It’s Brad P., I’m writing here on Thundercat’s site today for a few reasons.

Firstly, I wish to congratulate all the guys who were named to the top 10 list. Although I don’t know all these guys and haven’t seen them in field, one thing I can tell you is that Thundercat puts a lot of time and effort into the research that goes into this list. He is in a unique position in some ways, because he has been around the community for so long, he has seen it all. He’s seen more fake gurus come and go than just about anyone anyone. He’s also been along side some of the greatest during their rise to the top, and he’s generally pretty fair to people.

Top Ten lists like this one, and a few of the others out there, are easy to dismiss as dick-crack. But if you’re new to this, and you don’t know where to turn, it can be quite helpful.

I’ve also taken a quick look at the responses, and I see there’s far less hate and controversy than usual. There’s a few people making well thought our comments, a few no-name gurus trying to attach their name to this thing, and that’s about it. Usually you have 150 people hurling personal insults at Thundercat, which really doesn’t help anyone get to the goal.

The goal is this:

The public needs to know who’s a good person to study with and who’s not. There’s no other purpose to a Top Ten List. Read more »

Hey guys I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted, but things have been really busy here…

I recently worked with MTV as one of the coaches for the show MADE.

Been working on social circle and entourage game, which is going great and I encourage everyone to do.

Meeting (and learning) from some of the best in the community, such as Steve P and Hypnotica.

Last time I posted I talked about the core of what exactly attraction is, which is great for understanding but nothing you can put to use right away. So this time I’m going to give you guys some goodies that you can immediately put to use and have a lot of fun along the way, regardless of whether you’re a newbie or advanced. I’ve got two openers I recently came up with that work AMAZINGLY well and I decided it’s time to share. Keep in mind that I have a very playful style so this might not be congruent with everyone, still I suggest you try these out regardless. Read more »

In my last article I promised something for new guys so here it is, also if there’s anything you guys would really like me to cover then leave a comment and I’ll see about making a post .

To often do newbie and even intermediate guys focus on advanced concepts and ideas that either do nothing for them, or else make them seem weird without the fundamentals. In fact I suggest that all guys, including advanced, touch back on the fundamentals and make sure that they are either improving or not getting worse. This is a practice I do often actually. So exactly what are the fundamentals of game? I’ve thought about this and came up with the following…

-Body Language

-Tonality

-Eye Contact

-Light Kino (or touch) that isn’t creepy

-Vibing

-Being NORMAL

If you lack any of these six things then any other form of game is a complete waste of time. These six things make up the cake, the rest of game is the icing and decorating. Without the icing you might have a mediocre cake but with only the icing you don’t even have a cake. So lets break down each of these six things to get you started.

1. Body Language

In my mind there are two levels to Body Language. First thing to learn is the “Alpha” Body Language. Basically taking up space, chest out, chin up, back straight ect ect. There are countless articles and exercises out there to develop this, from the Alexander Technique to imagining a string running down your spine. The idea is to give off a dominant and powerful masculine energy that portrays confidence. Your nonverbal signs are 93% of your communication, your actual words being only 7%.

Now keep in mind that with all new skill sets in game you’re going to go overboard with everything and overdo it…this is actually a GOOD thing because you can only calibrate what’s appropriate by doing to much of something and then balancing it. If it’s not to much then you’re not pushing yourself and if it’s been to much for a while then you need to learn to tone it back down again.

The second level to learn once the first is down is how to relax. You don’t want to be the guy who constantly has to look like superman and is always caught on the idea of looking alpha. It’s time to relax your shoulders and develop more fluid carefree motions. The most powerful form of body language is looking completely at ease and comfortable in your own skin, again without it seeming try hard though. Later on once these are down you can learn more advanced body language for particular situations such as opening, rapport building, sexual, take away’s ect ect.

2. Tonality

This is by far one of the hardest to learn with the exception of “being normal” for some people. Speaking clearly without mumbling, talking in a loud and crisp voice, getting rid of any kind of stutter or pause fillers such as “uh” “um” “you know” “like” or anything similar. Your voice should also be animated and lively, if you have a monotonous voice then anything you say will be boring and people will not pay attention to you. Always try and speak from your diaphragm which is located between your chest and stomach, being nasal is the most unattractive voice quality. Finally having a deep voice will always help and it should sound strong and masculine. This is actually where I could still develop the furthest out of the six fundamentals and will probably take vocal lessons to improve my tonality, that’s how serious it is.

3. Eye Contact

Again there are two levels for this one. The first is basic eye contact where you are simply able to hold someones gaze, especially a girls. You shouldn’t be staring but instead be relaxed by it and give almost a curious energy through your eyes. Looking at her tits or ass will be doom for you, unless it’s done in an advanced way but again we’re focusing on the cake not the icing, and I even had a girl shit test me one time on this. I was on a date and the girl had double D tits and began jumping up and down in front of me acting happy. The entire time I kept my eyes locked on hers while smirking and finally she stopped and looked at me and said “very good”.

Keep in mind the eyes can betray submissiveness by darting your eyes away or especially by looking down. Once this is mastered then the second level would be sexual eye contact. This is hard to explain in words but it’s basically looking at a girl with your full desire for her being expressed through your eyes. It takes great confidence and nonverbally puts everything out on the table. With sexual eye contact you are still looking into her eyes and should have what’s called “laser eyes” where you maintain eye contact completely. With sexual eye contact even if she looks away your eyes should be focused on hers, this is not staring or being creepy about it though and can often be misinterpreted through writing. Best way to learn this is by watching movies and observing the actors eyes before he kisses the girl or even better going out in field and observing a natural. When you see a natural with a girl watch the way he looks at her and see if you can tell his strong sexual intent for her just from his eyes, if you can then you’re seeing it done right.

4. Light Kino

Many guys in field have one of the two problems. Either they can’t muster the courage to even touch a girl in any way or else they are incredibly aggressive and creep the girl out with uncomfortable kino. If you’re the first you MUST get over this and begin touching the girl. You should actually be touching not just her but everyone, even guys! Pats on the shoulder, elbow touches, light hand holds, upper back and the such. Basically if a guy can’t get light touch going how in the world does he expect to get sexual touching going. Also the longer you are in an interaction with a girl and not touching her the more precedent you set for NOT touching her and when you finally do it will be much more awkward and uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean you have to touch RIGHT from the approach, although you can, but definitely within the first 2-3 minutes.

For the aggressive guy just tone it down. This guy is definitely better then the first but women will often find you creepy. The reason for aggressive touching early on is either being drunk, way to sexual and horny, or trying to be “alpha”. If it’s the first then drink less or not at all. If it’s the second then really just try and control yourself, keep in mind that if you control yourself now you’ll be able to get all the touching you want later. For the third guy he needs to get over the idea of being so “alpha” and tone it down, if your aggressive kino hasn’t been working why not try it another way?

5. Vibing

This is basically being able to hold a normal and pleasant conversation without any motive. Can you talk with a girl comfortably about anything and engage in what is called “fluff talk”? If not then even though you have all these cool attraction routines and interesting stories she’ll become uncomfortable with you or else never see you as a real person. Vibing helps build familiarity and is a way to show that you’re normal (see number 6). Point blank if you can’t talk to a girl normally then how do you expect to talk to her in a way that makes her attracted to you? To practice this begin conversations with everyone and see how long you can keep it flowing while talking about every day things. Chances are though you already know how to vibe. Think of your conversations with your best friend or family member, pretty easy going and normal without an agenda. The idea is to duplicate that with a stranger and the best way I’ve seen is by assuming rapport and just talking to her as relaxed as possible without any investment or care in the interaction.

6. Being NORMAL

This is the hardest to teach for those trying to learn. Many guys who come into this community without having the average fundamental social skills and then begin learning advanced attraction material which makes them weird. No matter how much theory or routines you know if you can’t be normal with a girl she will see through you and want nothing to do with you. Some weirdness is OK though and shows individuality…it can be cute quirks to a personality. However for the most part you want to be a normal fun guy. Without that as the backbone of your game then NOTHING will work. The best way to develop being normal is to engage in a bunch of different activities so that you’re thrown in social settings. Also developing social circles is EXTREMELY useful. You should have social circles of normal cool guys (not the D&D buddies sorry) as well as social circles of attractive girls. It’s OK to be in the friend zone, you WANT female friends. You will not become normal though by spending all your time discussing game with community guys or have the only idea of social interactions be from your nights of sarging.  Also developing a sense of humor and being aware of social feedback will help tremendously.

Alright so those are the fundamentals and I suggest everyone, no matter what your skill level is, to look into at least one of these things and try and improve it. These are all seriously the frames that hold up your game and if one should weaken due to lack of attention or development then it will all come down.

-Jarett aka Psych

Hey Guys,

For the new year I thought I’d tackle one of the first problems people experience within game and slowly move through the topics throughout the rest of 2009.

Are you afraid of approaching someone you like through a fear of rejection?

Do you get that horrible feeling in your stomach and begin to formulate 100 reasons why someone wouldn’t want to talk to you?

This is a lot more common than you would believe. There are a number of different products out there which will supposedly “fix” the fear of approaching strangers, especially ones you are attracted to. However, few of them take the time to understand why we have that fear in the first place. If you understand why you have this fear or anxiety, you can take steps to counter it. This is probably the biggest topic when it comes to understanding attraction. Well, that is to say, it is the one that most people have the biggest problem with. I constantly receive the same excuses time and time again when it comes to this subject.

1) I’m scared of approaching

2) I have a fear of rejection

3) They aren’t in the mood to be spoken to

4) She won’t think I look good enough

5) I can’t meet people in a park/cinema/night club

6) I’m not good enough for him/her

7) There’s no point, it won’t work

These are probably the most common reasons I am given as to why someone can’t approach, or the feeling that is preventing them from approaching. The fact that these are so prevalent is because they are all based on very real psychological factors to do with learning and behaviour.

Anxiety is defined by Seligman, Walker and Rosenhan (2001) as a physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components. These factors essentially make up the feelings that we experience as fear, apprehension, and worry.

There are some physical sensations that you will probably be aware of such as heart palpitations, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, sweaty palms, shaking and perhaps headaches. These may be common to you. Some people will disguise these by making a decision not to approach. This will relieve the sensations and instead leave a sort of “numbness” to the situation.

Sigmund Freud himself believed that these anxious feelings were created by an association between a past negative experience and the current situation. These associations are often false and not related through causality – the idea that one situation directly affects another, but through correlation – one thing “tends to affect another over repeated attempts.”

When people begin to see this correlation as a fact, it is commonly referred to as “Magical Thinking.”

There are two governing principles behind magical thinking. The first is the law of similarity which is the notion that things that resemble each other are casually connected in some way that defies scientific testing.

 

For example:

Here people will typically see vertical columns of squares and circles as opposed to horizontal mixed rows of squares and circles.

The second law is the law of contagion which is the belief that “things that have been in physical contact or in spatial or temporal association with other things retain a connection after they are separated.” Contagion effects have been noted to be more effective with negative associations than with positive ones. This is probably best explained by the notion of getting “bad luck” or having a bad time every time you go to a specific venue.

Freud believed that the anxiety or fear was maintained through a form operant conditioning. Essentially the feeling of anxiety is reinforced every time you are in a similar situation. You then “learn” to remove the negative feeling of anxiety by not approaching. These connections of patterns, or “magical thinking,” are common throughout all the human societies across the world. The human brain is adept at forming these patterns, though we do not have a particularly good system for distinguishing between real and perceived connections. Theoretically this is due to a simple survival tactic. If we notice rustling behind a bush it is better for us to assume it is some form of threat and begin to prep our bodies to defend ourselves rather than ignore it and risk being eaten.

Our fear or anxiety response is actually designed to help us survive in a fight or flight scenario. Believe it or not the symptoms detailed earlier are all beneficial to us in times of survival. Perspiration occurs to help cool us down, heart rate increases to improve blood circulation and muscles tighten as they are filled with oxygen in preparation for use. Unfortunately these are not particularly beneficial when we are looking for something witty to say during a conversation with someone.

In short we learn the fear through a number of negative experiences and then reinforce them by not doing anything about it. The bodies natural reaction towards a fearful situation is the feeling we associate with approach anxiety or the fear of the approach. The way to overcome this is to reverse the learning.

All of the common problems detailed above can be directly related to either “magical thinking” in the form of a false belief that failure is almost certain due to some form of connection to a previous situation that failed. Or pure fear learnt and reinforced by not approaching. These are both forms of self fulfilled prophecy i.e. Unless you actively do something to fix it they will continue to support themselves. The good news is that this problem is far from unfixable.

The bad news is that it does take time. The easiest way to fix this is to actually go out and meet new people. The problem is that when you do this, any negative experience you receive is likely to reinforce the previous attitude or fear you had before. As I’ve mentioned before one of the easiest ways to get around this is to simply meet people for the sake of meeting people.

Most of us are actually more than happy to talk to other people, especially on boring long journeys, or when waiting in a long queue. Get used to talking to absolutely everybody, male or female, young and old. This should help you generate a great deal of positive responses to your approaches and help curb some of those negative connections.

 

I hope this helps guys,

Adam Lyons

(AFC Adam)

It’s important to LOOK at yourself from time to time, and examine your mission in life.

Of course when we cover all of the psychology of personal growth in my visual system called mindOS, we learn about a little thing psychoanalysts call Observing Ego. This is the ability to take a step outside yourself, look back and judge how you’re doing in your relationships to others. Observing Ego is also the FIRST skill all human beings have to learn in doing ANY personal growth.

In fact, it is IMPOSSIBLE to grow, change, or evolve without this skill. And it is a LEARNED skill very few of us have the fortune or teaching to cultivate.

Many of you have also asked general questions about your missions in life as men. I know it’s a no-brainer that we all have “missions in life,” but really, how much time have you literally spent imagining, planning, plotting, and discussing your personal mission as a man with those who you might consider your teammates? Very few. Read more »

There’s a term out there that applies to newbies.  It’s called “Paralysis of Analysis”.  When I first started I definitely fell into this trap.  I’d read everything there is to read, and post every place I could find, but rarely go out and do any field work.  Now I find it irritating to force myself  to sit at my computer and post anywhere, since it takes time away from the time that could be spent in the field, developing social circles, or school and other life building goals.

Many new guys fall into this trap yet many find there way out again and begin going out in the field as I did.  There seems to actually be a natural correlation.  Those who stay in the community for 3 months will keep it going and those who stay for 5 months usually have begun really learning from the field.  This post isn’t for the new guys though, (sorry I’ll make one for you guys later on), this post is for those intermediate guys.  The guy’s who have taken the game seriously and have gone out again and again into the field and still have yet to begin seeing the results that they’ve been waiting for.  This post is for every guy who has asked the following question…

“What do I need to do to make that change and get myself to the next level?”

The answer? Become Your Own Guru Read more »