Dan & Jennifer have a good article up on their blog about 5 techniques you can use to banish people from your life who keep you down and spread negativity like a cancer. Check it out…
Negative “energy vampires” are not living a life full of happiness and success, yet they will happily drag you down to their level unless you escape their clutches before it is too late!
Use these 5 basic guidelines as an outline that will help to safeguard you from negativity, and will also help you to identify negative people so that you can remove yourself from their sphere of influence.
Once you have internalized not practicing the following unsuccessful habits, you will suddenly start noticing people in your life who consistently practice them on an almost daily basis.
1. No Gossiping
It doesn’t matter how justified you think you are in talking about other people’s perceived shortcomings, doing so will never serve to bring about positive results.
When people do things that you don’t agree with or that you don’t understand, all that demonstrates is that they do not see life in the same way that you see it. It doesn’t it make them a bad person, it just means that their understanding of any given situation is different than yours.
Granted, in many circumstances it may seem painfully obvious that someone could have handled a situation in a more positive manner. However, even if that is the case, rehashing the details with other people will only perpetuate the negativity.
In addition, many people thrive on discourse and chaos, so by participating in negative discussions about others, all you are doing is indirectly giving people permission to continue adding fuel to that fire. When you are seen as a “negative fuel source,” you will invariably find that people will continue stopping by to get a fill-up!
2. No Whining or Complaining
Let me ask you this: Does whining or complaining about any given situation actually do anyone any good whatsoever?
I’m not talking about constructive criticism, learning from our mistakes, or recognizing pitfalls so that we can avoid them in the future. No, I’m talking about when a situation is already clearly less than desirable, yet you continue to talk about how undesirable it is!
When the office thermostat is broken and it is cold as a deep-freeze in your building, will anything be gained by continuing to repeat the obvious? If your spouse or significant other is being (in your opinion) unreasonable, are you going to gain anything by constantly spouting off about how upset you are about the situation?
Complaining accomplishes absolutely nothing other than drawing attention to an already less than favorable set of circumstances. If something is worth complaining about, then it is also worth taking action on. Stop whining, and start taking action, because if you don’t, all of the whiners and complainers will crowd around you in order to get their negativity fix.
3. No Co-Dependency
All of us have friends, family members, or co-workers who bring real-world negative issues to us, and ask for our input. Sometimes they are looking for advice, while other times they just want to “vent”.
In either case, however, pumping up their already negative point of view by agreeing how terrible any given situation is will only serve to cement in their minds how terrible that situation is! In addition, you will be sending them the clear signal that you are willing to be a sounding board for their complaints in the future.
Rather than rallying the forces of negativity in order to combat someone’s issues, instead just provide for them a calming, reassuring voice of reason when their lives are in turmoil. Don’t turn your back on them, but don’t fuel their point of view that they are the “victim” either.
Instead, listen with a compassionate ear while keeping your own feelings in check. You will do them much more of a service by helping them to find a positive spin on their situation rather than becoming a participant in their negativity.
4. No Cross Contamination
It is impossible to swim in a river full of muddy water, yet still be able to get out of that river without a speck of dirt on you. The only way to avoid that dirt – or that negativity – is to refuse to take a dip into that river in the first place.
From an emotional standpoint, it is not possible for you to participate in negativity, and then go back into your positive bubble without dragging some of that negativity in with you.
Most people would say that it is not possible for them to completely avoid negativity, and I would tend to agree. However, just because you are physically present in a situation does not mean that you need to actually participate on an emotional level.
You can be involved in a discussion or in the resolution of a negative situation without allowing your own emotional set point to drop down to a less-than positive level. When life throws negativity at you, stay in the game, but practice equanimity in order to handle the situation without allowing the negative vibrations to affect you on an individual level.
5. No Being “Holier than Thou”
After finding all of these great ways to recognize and avoid negativity, it becomes very easy to think that you are somehow “different” than everyone else. You start to feel “enlightened” and you recognize how a large number of the people in your life are on planes, trains, and automobiles that are all headed in the wrong direction.
Here’s a clue: get a grip on yourself! You are no better, nor any worse than any of those people. Those people are neither better, nor any worse than you.
The only difference between the “enlightened” you and the people who practice negativity is that you see things from a different point of view than they do. It is not appropriate for you to try to force your way of thinking onto those people, and in most cases it is also quite impossible.
By running around life with an attitude that you are somehow better than other people, all you will do is serve to alienate most of the people around you. Then, before you know it, other “holier than thou” individuals will start to flock to your side. Then all you will have accomplished is serving to divide your circle of influence into people who live on the “right” or the “wrong” side of the tracks – from your point of view.
Conclusion: By following guidelines similar to the methods that you just read, and by practicing the fine art of being positive, you will begin to enjoy your life and consciously create it to be whatever it is that you want it to be.
That’s the prize.
However, be advised that these success habits are just that – habits. Only practicing them when it is convenient for you to do so will only bring about positive results in small doses. Consistency is key.
Also, be prepared to burn some bridges in the process. Right now in your life there are probably people who will fade away completely when they realize that you will not be participating in their drama anymore.
The ladder of success is never crowded at the top!
These are some good tips to keep you feeling positive and focused on positivity. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that being positive is an incredibly attractive trait in any person, and you can’t go wrong with filling your life with good, positive habits!
So you found a girl, built up attraction, and did everything you were supposed to do, yet you can’t seem to close the deal. What’s wrong? Why can’t you get her between the sheets? Well, sometimes its nothing you’ve done wrong, rather, there are circumstances that are beyond your control. Here are 7 reasons why a girl might not want to sleep with you…
7. She’s on Her Period: She may not tell you that that’s the reason, but it’s always a possibility. Has she mentioned that she’s been head-achey or has some cramps? Has she excused herself to the bathroom a bit more than usual? Did she stab you at dinner? These are good indicators.
6. She Didn’t Shave and She’s Embarrassed: To quote one of my female friends that this happened to, “Unexpected sex has unanticipated consequences.” Some women specifically believe that sex will NOT be happening on a particular night. But she’s got a right to change her mind, doesn’t she? We think so. So whether it’s a burning bush of biblical proportions or just some leg scruff, keep in mind how embarrassed you’d be if you forgot to brush your teeth and your lady wanted a little tongue action.
5. She Thinks You’ll Think She’s a Slut: I could literally write a whole educational thesis on this topic, but I’ll spare you. Whether you think she is or isn’t a slut doesn’t make a difference with this situation, unfortunately. How well you can communicate to her that you’re not going to view her any differently and that you’re comfortable with whatever she’s comfortable with will help, though.
4. You Hesitated: Okay, we do have to touch on one reason it could be you. It’s because you hesitated. Women turn on like an oven and off like a light. Men turn on like a light and off like an oven. So if you’re basting an 8 lb. bird twice per hour for 5 hours at 350 degrees, how turned on is she? Wait, I forgot what we were talking about. Anyway, if you hesitate when making your moves she’ll be able to sense your insecurity and that can easily ruin the outcome of your evening. Be firm with your actions, but mindful of her needs.
3. She is Worried You’ll Get Rid of Her: Some guys are very goal-oriented and will work hard to get into a girl’s pants and then get the hell out of dodge right after because “mission accomplished.” Other guys work hard to create a connection so he can eventually wife her up proper. But, whether it’s the goal, the byproduct or an exit strategy, sex is often on a guy’s mind. If you care about the girl you’re with and get a sense of what her concerns might be, then a little patience will go a long way.
2. She Really Likes You: Sometimes you can tell how much a new girl likes you and then when she wants to take things slow it’s almost like a logic hiccup in a guy’s mind. But, try to keep things in perspective. The fact that she likes you enough to want to slow you down is a good thing and another situation where your patience will add a lot of value to the relationship.
1. It’s a Power Play: Sometimes women withhold sex to put themselves in a position of power. If this is the case with your girl, then have a conversation about it so that a power struggle doesn’t occur. Or just run for the hills.
As usual, science shows up to kick some knowledge into your face!
Men who cheat on their spouses have always enjoyed an expedient explanation: Evolution made me do it. Many articles (here is one, and here is another), especially in recent years, have explored the theory that men sleep around because evolution has programmed them to seek fertile (and, conveniently, younger) wombs.
But what about women? If it’s really true that evolution can cause a man to risk his marriage, what effect does that have on women’s sexuality?
A new journal article suggests that evolutionary forces also push women to be more sexual, although in unexpected ways. University of Texas psychologist David Buss wrote the article, which appears in the July issue of Personality and Individual Differences, with the help of three graduate students, Judith Easton (who is listed as lead author), Jaime Confer and Cari Goetz. Buss, Easton and their colleagues found that women in their 30s and early 40s are significantly more sexual than younger women. Women ages 27 through 45 report not only having more sexual fantasies (and more intense sexual fantasies) than women ages 18 through 26 but also having more sex, period. And they are more willing than younger women to have casual sex, even one-night stands. In other words, despite the girls-gone-wild image of promiscuous college women, it is women in their middle years who are America’s most sexually industrious. (See the top 10 political sex scandals.)
By contrast, men’s sexual interest and output, usually measured by a reported number of orgasms per week, peaks in the teen years and then settles to a steady level (an average of three orgasms per week) for most of their lives. As I pointed out in March, most men remain sexually active into their 70s. According to the new study, as well as the study I wrote about in March, women’s sexual ardor declines precipitously after menopause.
Why would women be more sexually active in their middle years than in their teens and 20s? Buss and his students say evolution has encouraged women to be more sexually active as their fertility begins to decline and as menopause approaches.
Here’s how their theory works:
Our female ancestors grew accustomed to watching many of their children — perhaps as many as half — die of various diseases, starvation, warfare and so on before being able to have kids of their own. This trauma left a psychological imprint to bear as many children as possible. Becoming pregnant is much easier for women and girls in their teens and early 20s — so much easier that they need not spend much time having sex. (See photos of the history of the cougar.)
However, after the mid-20s, the lizard-brain impulse to have more kids faces a stark reality: it’s harder and harder to get pregnant as a woman’s remaining eggs age. And so women in their middle years respond by seeking more and more sex.
To test this theory, Buss and his students asked 827 women to complete questionnaires about their sexual habits. And, indeed, they found that women who had passed their peak fertility years but not quite reached menopause were the most sexually active. This age group — 27 through 45 — reported having significantly more sex than the two other age groups in the study, 18 through 26 and 46 and up. Women in their middle years were also more likely than the younger women to fantasize about someone other than their current partner. The new findings are consistent with those of an earlier Buss paper, from 2002, which found that women in their early 30s feel more lustful and report less abstinence than women in other age groups. In both studies, these findings held true for both partnered and single women, meaning that married women in their 30s and early 40s tend to have more sex than married women in their early 20s; ditto for single women. Also, whether the women were mothers didn’t matter. Only age had a strong affect on women’s reported sexual interest and behavior. (Read about cougar cruises.)
And yet there are a few flaws with the data in the new paper. Chiefly: some three-quarters of the participants in the study were recruited on Craigslist, a website where many go to seek hookups, meaning there was a self-selection problem with the sample. (The other participants were students at the University of Texas in Austin.) The authors also note that there are some alternative explanations for why women in their 30s and early 40s might be more sexual. Many of them may simply be more comfortable with sex than women in their teens and early 20s. Still, that raises the question of why they are more comfortable: perhaps evolution programmed that comfort.
Buss is the author of The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating, now in its fourth edition, and has become associated with evolutionary explanations for sexual behavior. His theories help explain why men can be cads — and why women can be cougars.
I thought this was pretty interesting, especially the part about how evolution has prepared women to bare children in their younger and most fertile years, and as they get older and it becomes more difficult to have children, they seek out more sexual pleasure.
That’s not to say younger women don’t get horny and want sex. Cause obviously, they do. And the whole “cougar” phenomena has to do with older women aggressively going after younger men. According to this study, women in the age range of 27-45 are the most sexually active, but its unclear who they’re sexually active WITH. They can’t all be going for younger guys, can they?
But that is a pretty interesting find. The next time you do an online dating search, set the age range to 27-45 and see what you get. I guess your chances of getting lucky with that age range is much higher!
Brian10212 over on the PUA Forums had a question about paying for girls on dates…
I know it’s not a good idea to pay for girls when you first meet them but what about what you have texted them awhile back and forth or talked to them on the phone multiple times? They want to go out later and if you go to a bar or get something to eat then how do you guys handle the situation when the bill comes?
This is an interesting question because there are a lot of factors involved when it comes to picking up the tab on a date.
The first of which is whether or not you can afford to pay for dates. I mean, most people are employed and have money, but I’m well aware there are guys out there who don’t have any extra cash to drop on a girl – especially girls who aren’t giving it up quite yet.
If you can’t afford to take girls out, then you gotta make it clear you wanna go dutch (ie: have her pay for herself and you pay for yourself) before you meet up. Just ask her if its cool if you meet somewhere cheap because you’ve got a big bill coming due and you can’t afford to treat her at that time. Don’t make it sound like your broke, just that your money is tied up at the moment.
However, if you’re not completely broke, here are my guidelines for when it comes to paying for chicks… Read more
This is one of those topics I can’t believe hasn’t been written about more often. After all, by definition if you’re “single” that means you either live alone or with roommates.
Sure, some of us like having a place to ourselves. If that’s the case, and we have the means to afford such an arrangement, that’s fine. But the reality is that lots of us get roommates, be that for financial reasons or even for social reasons.
Sure. For starters, you may be of the opinion that it’s nice to have someone around to hang out with when you DON’T have a woman visiting.
And if you’re talking about having MORE THAN ONE roommate, there’s something about a house full of guys that seems to encourage women to “drop in” more frequently.
That can be a good thing.
Back when I lived in Arizona, I lived alone in a one-bedroom apartment for a few months before finally moving into a rented house with three other guys.
My roommates and I had a common interest in fast motorcycles, which the garage was therefore packed with. And let’s just say that there were more women around that house on a regular basis than I was used to back when it was just me in my apartment and my bike parked out in the parking lot with a cover over it.
In fact, I look upon those days in that house as some of the best of my life. There was ALWAYS something going on, and attractive women were usually part of it.
Now, notice that my roommates and I in that particular scenario had a very key COMMON INTEREST.
Note also that we were ALL FRIENDS before deciding to move in together. That’s not to say we never had a few testosterone-fueled differences along the way, but the fact that we pretty much knew what to expect from each other beforehand proved to be major.
On top of all that, we were all relatively equal in terms of social skill, ability to interact with women, etc.
Add all of this up, and we had a situation where it was reasonable to expect that nobody was going to drag down anyone else’s social status or even flat-out embarrass someone. In fact, we basically “winged” for each other all the time…even when women dropped in to visit.
So yeah, choosing a roommate (or roommates) cannot be treated as a “random” decision. The last thing you want when you’re getting better and better with women is to be stuck with a roommate who is utterly dateless…and bitter about it. The dichotomy between your respective levels of success may cause him to try to sabotage your good fortune, possibly by saying embarrassing things when you bring a woman over or even “refusing to yield” when you’re ready for some “alone time”.
I mean, think about it. Life would be a nightmare for your ROOMMATE also, wouldn’t it? You just can’t bet on him being energized and motivated to do better with women having seen your level of success, can you? It might very well be KILLING him, actually, to watch you bring women home.
This isn’t college anymore, gentlemen. It’s not like you have to settle for whichever roommate you get by luck of the draw, like what happened when you arrived for your freshman year.
So choose your roommate carefully. Don’t just post an ad on Craigslist and let the first guy who flashes the cash for half the rent money move in. Make sure you’ve got a guy who’s pretty much on equal footing with you socially…from every angle.
And every bit of what I’ve just said couldn’t be more important if your prospective roommate happens to be your BROTHER. You’ve got to stay in touch with that guy (and hopefully like each other) for a LONG, LONG time. If there’s even a remote hint that there will be significant social differences between you and a brother–or other family member you may be considering rooming with–just say “no”. I’m telling you…a little potential friction now is better than a lifetime of never speaking to each other again. Don’t kid yourself.
But there’s even more to making sure a roommate arrangement works effectively.
It’s crucial that you have decent housekeeping skills and choose a roommate with a similar outlook on life. Women can’t stand it when a guy’s place is a complete mess. When you “get” that, you can’t afford to have Oscar Madison living in the same house. Otherwise, you’ll pay dearly by being the one who cleans up after BOTH of you. Either that, or don’t expect women to come back a second time.
You also have to have a pre-set agreement with your roommate on how to react when one of you invites a woman over. Hopefully, the place is at least big enough so that you each have your own bedroom and therefore don’t have resort to the “sock on the door” signal. Whether you agree to vacate the premises for each other, stay out of sight for each other or say a quick, polite “hello” THEN disappear from sight is to be decided BEFORE “crunch time” is imminent. Believe me, things are more likely to end well if you get that plan in place ahead of time.
It has been implicit up to this point, of course, that your roommate is a guy. I have to say that’s preferable to having a woman who is allegedly “just friends” living with you. After all, it’s going to be a pretty tough sell to most women that absolutely nothing is going on there. In fact, if you DO have a female roommate and the relationship is legitimately platonic, I’d recommend not mentioning your living arrangements to ANY woman you’re dating…and I’d find somewhere else to take her OTHER than your place.
And if your “roommate” happens to be your MOM, that goes double!
But speaking of family, what if you’re a single dad and your “roommates” are actually your CHILDREN? Well, that’s a whole different ballgame. But having been there before myself, I certainly didn’t want to forget about you.
Generally speaking, I highly recommend AGAINST bringing a woman home when your kids are around, unless you’ve clearly established an exclusive relationship with her and the kids know that. Let’s face it, you just don’t want to be introducing your sons and daughters to a steady stream of “female friends”. They’re more socially observant than you might think…even as young as say, two years old. Parading lots of women through the house will only confuse them. Plus, it might bum them out if they particularly like OR dislike one or more of them.
What’s more, there’s perhaps the most overlooked factor of all relevant to this point: A woman can work REALLY fast at winning your kids over. The next thing you know she’s leveraging your own kids toward getting into an exclusive relationship with you before you’re ready. And that’s not the kind of political wrangling you need in your household, right?
I used to think that finding women who had kids the same age as your own young children was the perfect storm. After all, you could just sell get-togethers as “play dates”, right? But nowadays, I’m even reconsidering the validity of that strategy vis-à-vis what I just told you.
Seriously…there’s a lot more to think about when it comes to roommates than you may have thought, right? Make no mistake about it, choosing a roommate and building a solid plan with the dude when it comes to your M.O. when women come over is mission critical. And getting all of that right isn’t necessarily easy. It’s enough to make you re-think the idea of living alone after all.
But then again, it sure was cool having women around the house all the time back in Arizona…
Whenever students ask me how I learned to attract women with such ease I always say the same thing: Body language. I then recite a quote, something that was told to me a long time ago:
Everything you’ll ever need to learn about women, you can learn from Rock n roll.
A very wise man once told me this and I’m sure most of my students are just as confused as I was when I first heard it, but now several years (and many women) later I can whole-heartedly agree, it’s absolutely true.
One of the by-products of committing yourself to the study of attraction and how it works is that you start noticing things that you never noticed before. A lot of us instructors refer to this as ‘seeing the matrix’ and it basically amounts to identifying and understanding the cause and effect of the most subtle communications; body language . It becomes somewhat of a sixth sense and it’s exceptionally difficult to turn off, especially if you’re at all an analytical person (and let’s face it, you kind of have to be if you want to get good at this stuff) This is why us instructors are so proficient at breaking down what students did right or wrong in a set simply by casually observing them. We can see the matrix.
I realized a long time ago that the secret to attraction isn’t in what you say, it’s in how you carry yourself; your presence, something controlled almost entirely by your body language . I knew that if I was to master the art of attraction, I would need to master the art of body language . Remembering the words of wisdom I had been told all those years ago, I turned to rock n roll.
I began sifting through literally hundreds of videos documenting performances of the most prolific and sexually charged rock icons in music history. I used my ‘sixth sense’ to meticulously analyze every thing they did. I studied how they walked, how they danced, their facial expressions, even how they stood still! I started to notice a pattern, there were three qualities that nearly every sex symbol in the history of rock n roll all had in common, and it had nothing to do with their music or looks.
The first quality I recognized was immediate; sexual presence. Most of the musicians elicited this through their dancing, which wasn’t that useful since I obviously couldn’t be dancing all the time. The absolute best example of sexual presence I could find was Jim Morrison simply because he elicited tremendous sexual presence by doing very little. I hadn’t watched any videos of him performing since I was a teenager and seeing it again with my ‘sixth sense’ absolutely blew my mind. He moved slowly, purposefully, as if to poeticize his presence. Everything seemed so calculated. After referencing what he did with a number of other sexual icons, I quickly made a list:
Advanced body language – Sexual Presence
1. Less is more.
- Move only when you need to, and react with delay.
- Slow down your movements, as if moving underwater.
- Movement should be bold, sporadic and purposeful.
2. Poeticize your presence.
- Absolutely believe that you are a spectacle to be witnessed.
- Draw attention to your every move with strong eye contact, and delayed responses.
- Always appear physically more comfortable than anyone else in the group. Lean back when standing, angle back and drape your arms when sitting.
- Your demeanor should be carefree, content; you do not want or need anything.
3. Emphasize your sexuality
- Relax your eyes. Look at Jim Morrison, Phil Lynott or even Marilyn Monroe, their eyes all carry the same look, model it.
- Slightly Purse your lips, as if you’re about to kiss them.
- Slightly tilt your head up and look down when speaking.
- Slowly study women’s faces during interaction, glance at lips periodically.
- Keep an inquisitory look of mild arousal on your face.
I began modeling my body language based on this list and the results were epic. This is the reason I stopped using routines , I no longer needed them. Everything they communicated I could now communicate with my body. Even openers started to become unnecessary as women were now opening ME more than ever, based simply on the way I stood and the look on my face. Attraction went from slowly earned to instantaneous, but there were still some gaps…
The hottest women, although attracted, would still shit test me. Not only that, but AMOGs started to become more of a problem as I was now getting a tremendous amount of female attention. This is where the second quality I found amongst sexual rock icons came in handy, and allowed me to smoothly and effortlessly diffuse any shit test or amog attempt that was thrown at me.
Stay tuned for part 2 of the article where I go over the second quality: Restraint.
Man, you gotta love science!
Science has officially recognized the booty call.
In a study from the University of West Florida, researchers surveyed 300 college students who had engaged in sexual relationships of varying intensity over the past year. They then divided these arrangements into three distinct categories: committed relationships, one-night stands and, now with lab-coat approval, the booty call.
“Booty call was a hybrid,” said Peter Jonason, the psychologist who conducted the study. “We positioned it in the middle (of sexual and romantic relationships), but we positioned it mostly on the side of sex.”
According to the study, the booty call involves less emotional attachment than committed relationships and more sexual variety and experimentation than a one-night stand. Booty calls are also defined by their ad hoc nature; while they happen between two people over an extended period of time, they are usually arranged last minute by late-night phone call or text.
“Booty calls” have probably been around since at least the advent of the go-between or carrier pigeon, but they have clearly become more popular over the last decade or so.
Is their increased frequency a good thing for society? We debate the pros and cons of the booty call after the jump.
Go Forth With the Calling of Booty
The University of West Florida study really drives home the point that sex in the context of a booty-call relationship is crazy and experimental. And that’s probably what’s needed to compete with all the wild stuff the kids are going to see on the Internet.
Let’s be frank: If you do the booty-call thing right, you are drinking beer and playing video games with your friends until around midnight; and then a chick comes over and has sex with you. If that doesn’t have any appeal, somebody needs to take away your guy card — and then smack you with it.
At least American college kids are figuring out new ways to have sex with each other. Over in Japan, the young folks are having sex with body pillows.
Separating the Booty From the Emotion Is a Dangerous Game
The longer you engage in a booty-call relationship, the better the chance your partner in this no-strings-attached crime is also doing the booty-call thing with one of the 16 percent of Americans who has genital herpes.
Because of the booty call, now college students and young adults are able to get all sorts of wild sex without any emotional attachment. In other words, it’s the exact opposite of what is going to happen when they get married. The booty call may well leave a generation of people woefully unprepared for the sacred institution.
The word “booty”: It just sort of makes us uncomfortable.
In short: Booty calls lead to healthier marriages because the wild, crazy sex has been ravaged out of their system by the time they are ready to settle down.
A new study reveals men dressed in red are more attractive to women…
What could be as alluring as a lady in red? A gentleman in red, finds a multicultural study published Aug. 2 in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General.
Simply wearing the color red or being bordered by the rosy hue makes a man more attractive and sexually desirable to women, according to a series of studies by researchers at the University of Rochester and other institutions. And women are unaware of this arousing effect.
The cherry color’s charm ultimately lies in its ability to make men appear more powerful, says lead author Andrew Elliot, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. “We found that women view men in red as higher in status, more likely to make money and more likely to climb the social ladder. And it’s this high-status judgment that leads to the attraction,” Elliot says.
Why does red signal rank? The authors see both culture and biology at work. In human societies across the globe, red traditionally has been part of the regalia of the rich and powerful. Ancient China, Japan and sub-Saharan Africa all used the vibrant tint to convey prosperity and elevated status, and Ancient Rome’s most powerful citizens were literally called “the ones who wear red.” Even today, the authors note, businessmen wear a red tie to indicate confidence, and celebrities and dignitaries are feted by “rolling out the red carpet.”
Along with this learned association between red and status, the authors point to the biological roots of human behavior. In non-human primates, like mandrills and gelada baboons, red is an indicator of male dominance and is expressed most intensely in alpha males. Females of these species mate more often with alpha males, who in turn provide protection and resources.
“When women see red it triggers something deep and probably biologically engrained,” explains Elliot. “We say in our culture that men act like animals in the sexual realm. It looks like women may be acting like animals as well in the same sort of way.”
To quantify the red effect, the paper analyzed responses from 288 female and 25 male undergraduates to photographs of men in seven different experiments. Participants were all self-identified as heterosexual or bisexual. In one color presentation, participants looked at a man’s photo framed by a border of either red or white and answered a series of questions, such as: “How attractive do you think this person is?”
Other experiments contrasted red with gray, green, or blue. Colors were precisely equated in lightness and intensity so that test results could not be attributed to differences other than hue.
In several experiments, the shirt of the man in the photographs was digitally colored either red or another color. Participants rated the pictured man’s status and attractiveness, and reported on their willingness to date, kiss, and engage in other sexual activity with the person. They also rated the man’s general likability, kindness, and extraversion.
The researchers found that the red effect was limited to status and romance: red made the man seem more powerful, attractive, and sexually desirable, but did not make the man seem more likable, kind, or sociable. The effect was consistent across cultures: undergraduates in the United States, England, Germany, and China all found men more attractive when wearing or bordered by red.
And the effect was limited to women. When males were asked to rate the attractiveness of a pictured male, color made no difference in their responses.
Across all the studies, the influence of color was totally under the radar. “We typically think of color in terms of beauty and aesthetics,” say Elliot. “But color carries meaning as well and affects our perception and behavior in important ways without our awareness.”
In earlier work, Elliot documented that men are more attracted to women in red. But the red effect depends on the context. Elliot and others have also shown that seeing red in competitive situations, such as IQ tests or sporting events, leads to worse performance.
So for those of you heading out to the clubs, time to invest in some red shirts. :-)
Zan has an excellent article on his Natural Game forum about why guys get girls easier when they aren’t really trying.
Have you ever noticed how when you’re not trying to pick up girls, they seem to be more interested in you? And when you deliberately try, it’s like they scatter away. There’s been many ways to explain this, (inner game issues, outcome attachment, a sixth sense that girls have, etc) I have been thinking about this for a few days, letting it brew since I got the original idea. I think there’s a scientific basis for it. Let me try and set this up for you so it makes sense.
I just finished reading a book by Daniel Pink called Drive, which is essentially a book on motivation. I don’t intend to summarize the whole book in one paragraph but I will give you a brief introduction. Pink introduces the idea of Motivation 2.0 which is the rewards/punishment model of behavioral psychology (he calls it carrots and sticks) and he makes the case that it is an outdated model that no longer works in our current business climate.
He then talks about a new kind of motivation, dubbed 3.0, which centers on the research of Edward Deci and Self-Determination Theory (SDT) Essentially this new model of motivation is based on 3 core needs all humans have in order to enjoy what they do. They are: Autonomy (to have the freedom to set your own schedule and choose your own projects), Mastery (to get better at something) and Purpose (to have your work mean something)
What researchers have found through experiments is that Motivation 2.0 works really well for tasks that are algorithmic in nature. So if a job is comprised of a series of steps that are clearly laid out, then carrots and sticks work really well, that is the larger the reward, the better the performance. However, this model falls really short when tasks are creative in nature, require conceptual thinking and are not clearly laid out. In fact it falls really flat. Time and time again, researchers found that the large reward cripples people’s ability to do even simpler tasks like solving a puzzle.
In fact there are several well-documented averse effects that rewards/punishments introduce when dealing with creative tasks: (I’m only listing the ones that are relevant to the discussion here as we’ll see in a bit)
1) First rewards/punishments really crush creativity and ingenuity.
2) Second, they can extinguish intrinsic motivation, so the activity becomes more work and less fun.
3) It narrows down thinking and encourages cheating, shortcuts and unethical behavior (like a salesperson lying to you so he can make his quota)
4) It fosters short-term thinking
So how is this relevant to our discussion?
When we look at the idea of attracting women, do you think that it’s an algorithmic (i.e. step by step) type of task or a more creative type of task? Regardless of what PUA’s tell you, I would argue that it’s more of a creative task requiring ingenuity, wit, creativity, etc. There is no system that is clearly laid out, step by step that will guarantee results.
Now, assuming this, when you go out with the sole purpose of approaching women or picking up women, what type of motivation do you have in mind? Again, I would argue that you’re operating more out of a reward/punishment mindset where the reward is sex (or maybe a relationship) and the punishment is loneliness.
Given this, it’s no wonder that your tongue gets tied and you’re stuck trying to think of what to say next. Your brain has a clear destination in sight and is asking for the algorithm (the formula) of how to get there!! All your creativity is gone and if you try to do this all the time, as many PUA’s say you should practice relentlessly, then it slowly starts to feel like work and it’s no longer fun. And the most dangerous part is that you’re now thinking short-term and you tend to disregard longer term consequences. You want to get laid and you’ll do it at any cost, thus behavior such as trying to get the girl drunk or trying to force her (unethical behavior) definitely comes to mind!! If you’re a good guy, you’ll just leave frustrated.
This is also known as being attached to the outcome, but given the rewards/punishment model and 30+ years of scientific research to back it up, it’s a lot simpler to understand if seen in this light.
On the other hand, when you’re out having fun and not even thinking about pick-up, you’re being yourself, your entire creative mind is available to you so you’re naturally witty, charming and creative, and if the reward doesn’t even enter your mind (or you somehow DON’T think of sex as a reward) then you’re free to act as you please and things end up in intimacy it’s no big deal.
It’s the equivalent of the painter who’s painting for fun rather than for a commissioned piece. He doesn’t know where the painting is going to end up, he has no fixed end in sight and is simply enjoying the process but is tweaking as he goes. Research in fact found the pieces produced through this process were seen as much better work (and thus of higher value) by art appraisers than pieces that were paid for in advance.
In conclusion, we’re faced with the question of “How do you implement this in a way that reverses the negative effects of reward/punishment thinking and act more naturally?”
I only have two ideas, but am leaving this open for discussion:
1) Don’t focus on sex or relationship as a reward and loneliness as punishment. Go out there with the focus on having fun and enjoying yourself, not to run game.
2) Change the meaning of sex/relationship from a reward you get to something that happens. It’s not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Sure it’s hard to ignore horniness when you see lots of scantily clad young women throwing their sexuality around like a status symbol. When sex is no longer a reward or loneliness no longer a punishment you’re finally free.
This is just a hypothesis of mine and clearly not a scientific theory so take it with a grain of salt. It’s just a different way of thinking that maybe will help you answer the question of what to do or understand what people mean by “just be yourself” or “do whatever you feel like doing”
As always, excellent advice from Zan. :-)
Cameron has a pretty cool post up on his blog about a certain “Toxic Personality” type you should learn to spot and avoid if possible.
Continuing in this series of toxic personality traits, we come to the examine the value taker. This is a trait exhibited by individuals who have a great propensity towards self-absorption and a lack of willingness to want to contribute.
To compound the above mentioned issues, these individuals also may display a bewildering sense of entitlement. I’ll explain that a bit later.
Like the complainer, the value-taker can become just as easy to spot, if you learn to know what to look for. To start identifying this trait, you just have to be aware of super basic tell-tale signs that give them away.
The most noticeable trait that is rather self evident is their complete disregard towards other people’s lives. You’ll quickly note their tendency to not ask any questions about you. When they do, it’s related to what they can siphon off for themselves. It’s not about showing any actual interest in you.
So let’s assume you’re at a party, and you run to such types. They’ll come into basic general varieties.
Type 1 : The Proverbial Gold-Digger who will dig for information: What do you drive? Do you own or rent? What kind of a job? They may not ask explicitly and blatantly, but they’ll try to investigate to discover this info.
Type II: Talk about themselves constantly. Sometimes it’s the gold digger trying to impress you. Having established you’re someone of value, she is going to want to make a good impression. The most fascinating part this is that her own gold-digging prowess is limited by her lack of social skills.
It’ll sound like this: “Oh, I just moved her from Chicago, ya know I just love Chicago, but I moved out here, then when I got here, blah, blah, blah,… (2 min later) then 3 weeks later when I was on this job, I heard that…. Blah, blah, blah…”
Their story is not anecdotal, nor does it have a point. It’s not meant to entertain you, (because that’d be actually contributing something to the interaction), nor is it in the spirit of sharing and establishing rapport between two individuals.
It’s just a person talking. It’s not whimsical, insightful, educational, anecdotal, humorous, or entertaining. Just random words thrown in the air that follow enough of a format where they seem to make somewhat coherent sentences in the English language. (or a foreign language for that matter.)
To go a step deeper, individuals with this toxic personality trait often display a sense of entitlement. For some reason, unbeknownst to the rest of humanity, these people feel that they’re entitled to certain things. For this reason, they’re the worst to deal with in any sort of relationship, be it friendships, business, or romantic.
You could easily gather a handful of various businessmen in a variety of industries and they could easily tell you the common behavioral patterns amongst problem customers who suffer from a sense of entitlement.
Let’s say you had some sort of a consulting service, and you’re one of the best at what you do. Your rates for services rendered are an even $100 per hour.
A healthy person would enjoy your services, thank you for a job well done, and refer many clients towards word of mouth.
A toxic “Entitled” person would stay a half hour over time squeezing more of your services and time, (now up to 90 minutes instead of 60), and then at the end of all that, try to negotiate to pay less than the usual 100-Dollar rate.
Worst case scenario: He wasted an extra half hour of your time, paid you less than your current rates, and then may still want a refund 3 weeks later. I have no respect for these types of people. They pull douchebag moves that are driven by their self-absorption and sense of entitlement.
As usual, this is not specific to gender. Both men and women can possess this toxic trait.
What you can do about it: Get the f*** away from such people.
Sometimes, just the questions they ask you reveal enough insight that enables you to distinguish the toxicity within their personalities. In business, it’s the difference between, “Wow, your rates are too steep man” versus “I can’t afford all of that right now. Is there something else I can do or offer to make up for it?”
The latter person wants to contribute. This in fact reminds me of a friend of mine who is a fantastic kickboxer. He charges a good rate for his hourly services, but then, every so often I’d find random dudes helping him in various endeavor.
Upon being asked regarding a guy helping him build a fence in his backyard, he responded, “Oh, that’s ‘John’. He can’t afford to pay me so I told him I’d teach him and he could help me build that fence.”
I told him it sounded like the Karate Kid movie all over again! He laughed and agreed.
The point is, “John” was willing to contribute but the dude simply couldn’t afford to pay the cash required. Was building a fence exact compensation? Nope, but it was enough of an effort that was worthy.
Will everyone be willing to do what my kickboxing teacher friend did? No, but you’ll find enough people who will help you if you are willing to CONTRIBUTE in whatever way you can.
The article is pretty good. I suggest you check out the full thing here. I guess its part of a series of people with “Toxic Personalities.” It can be hard to spot people who are “takers” sometimes because a skilled one will fool you into thinking they’re nice and cool, and you don’t realize they’re a complete douche until they’ve successfully screwed you over.
I’ve found the best way to deal with “Takers” is to have immense self respect. The more confident you are in yourself, the more you respect your own time and contributions to others, the harder it is for people to take advantage of you.
Here’s a great article on overcoming your sticking points by Love Systems Instructor Sheriff:
I’m going to add something here, that you should do EVERY SINGLE MONTH, at least, maybe every week.
I still get value from this exercise, and it takes very little time. However, just knowing this exercise won’t help, you have to actually DO IT.
Take one piece of A4. At the top write “I see a hot girl”. At the bottom write: “we start having sex” (or “she says ‘I do’”, or whatever your actual outcome is).
Then fill in a plausible and detailed explanation of how you got from seeing this chick to being balls deep. Whenever you get to a point where you’re not sure what to write, you’ve found a sticking point.
For the VAST majority of guys I’ve met, this will be:
“I see a hot girl. I go and run some opinion opener from the internet on her. Then, uh.. um. Maybe I tease her? Uh, and, uh.”
BANG. Sticking point identified. Do some research at this point. What comes next? Post a question to the forum. Ask someone what should happen next.
You don’t need to work out the best thing to say – you’re not looking for lines to memorize, and you’re not looking for some kind of magical routine – it’ll never go down the way you’ve planned it anyway. You’re looking for an understanding of a plausible next step. Don’t accept answers like “Then you be an alpha male and she fucks you” – not good enough. Ask for specific sample dialogue. Don’t try and replicate those, don’t try and parrot that shit off, but use them to get an understanding of what and why happens next.
As my own example, the first time I did this, I got to: “we’re making out in the club”, and I was like WTF happens next? So I asked a natural buddy, and he said: “Last time I just told the girl I’d make her a cocktail back at mine”.
What did I do? I went out and spent a far too much money on cocktail alcohol and equipment. Next time I went out, I was making out with this girl, and was like: “So, uh, do you want a cocktail back at mine?”. Answer: “No”. DOH! Asked for more advice on this, was told to make the bounce home gentler and less obvious … and with time, got that shit sorted. Learning how to bounce was a massive sticking point for me, and I hadn’t even realised it – once I had that sorted, I started having a one-night stand. The point being: you won’t get this stuff right first time, but a plausible idea of how to go about it is crucial
Do I use some long-winded and complicated extraction technique now? No, of course not. Now I instinctively know how to bounce, instinctively know the subtleties, and tend to just say: “ok, we’re out of here!”. But the identification of the sticking point through the above exercise (and subsequent ones), the focus on actually closing and getting from A to B is what started accelerating my game.
- Write personal, detailed, and fictional descriptions of how you went from seeing a girl to fucking her to help you get the process straight in your head, and identify your weak points
- Ask for advice any time you find yourself having trouble writing plausible dialogue or action sequences
- The point isn’t to prescript the interaction, the point is to identify your sticking points in getting from A to B – it won’t ever go down the way you planned anyway
- Don’t accept wishy-washy advice that doesn’t come with plausible detailed examples
Hope this helps – just reading it won’t though – actually TRY IT.
To find out more on overcoming sticking points, check out the Love Systems Sticking Points Interview.
Good stuff. If you’re dealing with sticking points, dealing with them can greatly improve your game.
In my last article I promised something for new guys so here it is, also if there’s anything you guys would really like me to cover then leave a comment and I’ll see about making a post .
To often do newbie and even intermediate guys focus on advanced concepts and ideas that either do nothing for them, or else make them seem weird without the fundamentals. In fact I suggest that all guys, including advanced, touch back on the fundamentals and make sure that they are either improving or not getting worse. This is a practice I do often actually. So exactly what are the fundamentals of game? I’ve thought about this and came up with the following…
-Light Kino (or touch) that isn’t creepy
If you lack any of these six things then any other form of game is a complete waste of time. These six things make up the cake, the rest of game is the icing and decorating. Without the icing you might have a mediocre cake but with only the icing you don’t even have a cake. So lets break down each of these six things to get you started.
1. Body Language
In my mind there are two levels to Body Language. First thing to learn is the “Alpha” Body Language. Basically taking up space, chest out, chin up, back straight ect ect. There are countless articles and exercises out there to develop this, from the Alexander Technique to imagining a string running down your spine. The idea is to give off a dominant and powerful masculine energy that portrays confidence. Your nonverbal signs are 93% of your communication, your actual words being only 7%.
Now keep in mind that with all new skill sets in game you’re going to go overboard with everything and overdo it…this is actually a GOOD thing because you can only calibrate what’s appropriate by doing to much of something and then balancing it. If it’s not to much then you’re not pushing yourself and if it’s been to much for a while then you need to learn to tone it back down again.
The second level to learn once the first is down is how to relax. You don’t want to be the guy who constantly has to look like superman and is always caught on the idea of looking alpha. It’s time to relax your shoulders and develop more fluid carefree motions. The most powerful form of body language is looking completely at ease and comfortable in your own skin, again without it seeming try hard though. Later on once these are down you can learn more advanced body language for particular situations such as opening, rapport building, sexual, take away’s ect ect.
This is by far one of the hardest to learn with the exception of “being normal” for some people. Speaking clearly without mumbling, talking in a loud and crisp voice, getting rid of any kind of stutter or pause fillers such as “uh” “um” “you know” “like” or anything similar. Your voice should also be animated and lively, if you have a monotonous voice then anything you say will be boring and people will not pay attention to you. Always try and speak from your diaphragm which is located between your chest and stomach, being nasal is the most unattractive voice quality. Finally having a deep voice will always help and it should sound strong and masculine. This is actually where I could still develop the furthest out of the six fundamentals and will probably take vocal lessons to improve my tonality, that’s how serious it is.
3. Eye Contact
Again there are two levels for this one. The first is basic eye contact where you are simply able to hold someones gaze, especially a girls. You shouldn’t be staring but instead be relaxed by it and give almost a curious energy through your eyes. Looking at her tits or ass will be doom for you, unless it’s done in an advanced way but again we’re focusing on the cake not the icing, and I even had a girl shit test me one time on this. I was on a date and the girl had double D tits and began jumping up and down in front of me acting happy. The entire time I kept my eyes locked on hers while smirking and finally she stopped and looked at me and said “very good”.
Keep in mind the eyes can betray submissiveness by darting your eyes away or especially by looking down. Once this is mastered then the second level would be sexual eye contact. This is hard to explain in words but it’s basically looking at a girl with your full desire for her being expressed through your eyes. It takes great confidence and nonverbally puts everything out on the table. With sexual eye contact you are still looking into her eyes and should have what’s called “laser eyes” where you maintain eye contact completely. With sexual eye contact even if she looks away your eyes should be focused on hers, this is not staring or being creepy about it though and can often be misinterpreted through writing. Best way to learn this is by watching movies and observing the actors eyes before he kisses the girl or even better going out in field and observing a natural. When you see a natural with a girl watch the way he looks at her and see if you can tell his strong sexual intent for her just from his eyes, if you can then you’re seeing it done right.
4. Light Kino
Many guys in field have one of the two problems. Either they can’t muster the courage to even touch a girl in any way or else they are incredibly aggressive and creep the girl out with uncomfortable kino. If you’re the first you MUST get over this and begin touching the girl. You should actually be touching not just her but everyone, even guys! Pats on the shoulder, elbow touches, light hand holds, upper back and the such. Basically if a guy can’t get light touch going how in the world does he expect to get sexual touching going. Also the longer you are in an interaction with a girl and not touching her the more precedent you set for NOT touching her and when you finally do it will be much more awkward and uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean you have to touch RIGHT from the approach, although you can, but definitely within the first 2-3 minutes.
For the aggressive guy just tone it down. This guy is definitely better then the first but women will often find you creepy. The reason for aggressive touching early on is either being drunk, way to sexual and horny, or trying to be “alpha”. If it’s the first then drink less or not at all. If it’s the second then really just try and control yourself, keep in mind that if you control yourself now you’ll be able to get all the touching you want later. For the third guy he needs to get over the idea of being so “alpha” and tone it down, if your aggressive kino hasn’t been working why not try it another way?
This is basically being able to hold a normal and pleasant conversation without any motive. Can you talk with a girl comfortably about anything and engage in what is called “fluff talk”? If not then even though you have all these cool attraction routines and interesting stories she’ll become uncomfortable with you or else never see you as a real person. Vibing helps build familiarity and is a way to show that you’re normal (see number 6). Point blank if you can’t talk to a girl normally then how do you expect to talk to her in a way that makes her attracted to you? To practice this begin conversations with everyone and see how long you can keep it flowing while talking about every day things. Chances are though you already know how to vibe. Think of your conversations with your best friend or family member, pretty easy going and normal without an agenda. The idea is to duplicate that with a stranger and the best way I’ve seen is by assuming rapport and just talking to her as relaxed as possible without any investment or care in the interaction.
6. Being NORMAL
This is the hardest to teach for those trying to learn. Many guys who come into this community without having the average fundamental social skills and then begin learning advanced attraction material which makes them weird. No matter how much theory or routines you know if you can’t be normal with a girl she will see through you and want nothing to do with you. Some weirdness is OK though and shows individuality…it can be cute quirks to a personality. However for the most part you want to be a normal fun guy. Without that as the backbone of your game then NOTHING will work. The best way to develop being normal is to engage in a bunch of different activities so that you’re thrown in social settings. Also developing social circles is EXTREMELY useful. You should have social circles of normal cool guys (not the D&D buddies sorry) as well as social circles of attractive girls. It’s OK to be in the friend zone, you WANT female friends. You will not become normal though by spending all your time discussing game with community guys or have the only idea of social interactions be from your nights of sarging. Also developing a sense of humor and being aware of social feedback will help tremendously.
Alright so those are the fundamentals and I suggest everyone, no matter what your skill level is, to look into at least one of these things and try and improve it. These are all seriously the frames that hold up your game and if one should weaken due to lack of attention or development then it will all come down.
-Jarett aka Psych
For the new year I thought I’d tackle one of the first problems people experience within game and slowly move through the topics throughout the rest of 2009.
Are you afraid of approaching someone you like through a fear of rejection?
Do you get that horrible feeling in your stomach and begin to formulate 100 reasons why someone wouldn’t want to talk to you?
This is a lot more common than you would believe. There are a number of different products out there which will supposedly “fix” the fear of approaching strangers, especially ones you are attracted to. However, few of them take the time to understand why we have that fear in the first place. If you understand why you have this fear or anxiety, you can take steps to counter it. This is probably the biggest topic when it comes to understanding attraction. Well, that is to say, it is the one that most people have the biggest problem with. I constantly receive the same excuses time and time again when it comes to this subject.
1) I’m scared of approaching
2) I have a fear of rejection
3) They aren’t in the mood to be spoken to
4) She won’t think I look good enough
5) I can’t meet people in a park/cinema/night club
6) I’m not good enough for him/her
7) There’s no point, it won’t work
These are probably the most common reasons I am given as to why someone can’t approach, or the feeling that is preventing them from approaching. The fact that these are so prevalent is because they are all based on very real psychological factors to do with learning and behaviour.
Anxiety is defined by Seligman, Walker and Rosenhan (2001) as a physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components. These factors essentially make up the feelings that we experience as fear, apprehension, and worry.
There are some physical sensations that you will probably be aware of such as heart palpitations, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, sweaty palms, shaking and perhaps headaches. These may be common to you. Some people will disguise these by making a decision not to approach. This will relieve the sensations and instead leave a sort of “numbness” to the situation.
Sigmund Freud himself believed that these anxious feelings were created by an association between a past negative experience and the current situation. These associations are often false and not related through causality – the idea that one situation directly affects another, but through correlation – one thing “tends to affect another over repeated attempts.”
When people begin to see this correlation as a fact, it is commonly referred to as “Magical Thinking.”
There are two governing principles behind magical thinking. The first is the law of similarity which is the notion that things that resemble each other are casually connected in some way that defies scientific testing.
Here people will typically see vertical columns of squares and circles as opposed to horizontal mixed rows of squares and circles.
The second law is the law of contagion which is the belief that “things that have been in physical contact or in spatial or temporal association with other things retain a connection after they are separated.” Contagion effects have been noted to be more effective with negative associations than with positive ones. This is probably best explained by the notion of getting “bad luck” or having a bad time every time you go to a specific venue.
Freud believed that the anxiety or fear was maintained through a form operant conditioning. Essentially the feeling of anxiety is reinforced every time you are in a similar situation. You then “learn” to remove the negative feeling of anxiety by not approaching. These connections of patterns, or “magical thinking,” are common throughout all the human societies across the world. The human brain is adept at forming these patterns, though we do not have a particularly good system for distinguishing between real and perceived connections. Theoretically this is due to a simple survival tactic. If we notice rustling behind a bush it is better for us to assume it is some form of threat and begin to prep our bodies to defend ourselves rather than ignore it and risk being eaten.
Our fear or anxiety response is actually designed to help us survive in a fight or flight scenario. Believe it or not the symptoms detailed earlier are all beneficial to us in times of survival. Perspiration occurs to help cool us down, heart rate increases to improve blood circulation and muscles tighten as they are filled with oxygen in preparation for use. Unfortunately these are not particularly beneficial when we are looking for something witty to say during a conversation with someone.
In short we learn the fear through a number of negative experiences and then reinforce them by not doing anything about it. The bodies natural reaction towards a fearful situation is the feeling we associate with approach anxiety or the fear of the approach. The way to overcome this is to reverse the learning.
All of the common problems detailed above can be directly related to either “magical thinking” in the form of a false belief that failure is almost certain due to some form of connection to a previous situation that failed. Or pure fear learnt and reinforced by not approaching. These are both forms of self fulfilled prophecy i.e. Unless you actively do something to fix it they will continue to support themselves. The good news is that this problem is far from unfixable.
The bad news is that it does take time. The easiest way to fix this is to actually go out and meet new people. The problem is that when you do this, any negative experience you receive is likely to reinforce the previous attitude or fear you had before. As I’ve mentioned before one of the easiest ways to get around this is to simply meet people for the sake of meeting people.
Most of us are actually more than happy to talk to other people, especially on boring long journeys, or when waiting in a long queue. Get used to talking to absolutely everybody, male or female, young and old. This should help you generate a great deal of positive responses to your approaches and help curb some of those negative connections.
I hope this helps guys,
It’s important to LOOK at yourself from time to time, and examine your mission in life.
Of course when we cover all of the psychology of personal growth in my visual system called mindOS, we learn about a little thing psychoanalysts call Observing Ego. This is the ability to take a step outside yourself, look back and judge how you’re doing in your relationships to others. Observing Ego is also the FIRST skill all human beings have to learn in doing ANY personal growth.
In fact, it is IMPOSSIBLE to grow, change, or evolve without this skill. And it is a LEARNED skill very few of us have the fortune or teaching to cultivate.
Many of you have also asked general questions about your missions in life as men. I know it’s a no-brainer that we all have “missions in life,” but really, how much time have you literally spent imagining, planning, plotting, and discussing your personal mission as a man with those who you might consider your teammates? Very few. Read more