Six Lessons From The Field On Approaching Women

February 26, 2010 by  
Filed under Scot McKay

I still get a huge adrenaline rush every time a guy flies in for a live, on-site weekend of coaching with us here in San Antonio.

At the baseline level, there’s the simple “do or die” factor associated with being the one who’s got to set the example first…paving the way to potential success for the guy who’s trusted me enough to put me to work for him.

Then comes the thrill of watching someone go from good to great at approaching women and creating attraction over the course of a weekend…probably finding out what that feels like for the first time EVER.

But there’s also something else that energizes me.  As much as I’m immersed in all things related to male/female attraction on a daily basis, I still learn A TON every single time I’m in-field with a student.

Some times what I learn is ALL NEW.  Other times it’s more like I get to witness a striking, real-life example that demonstrates in a particularly powerful way why a certain strategy really works.

Either way, it’s amazing and a lot of fun to experience.

This past weekend was no exception.  So if sharing some of what happened is of any benefit to you at all as you interact with women on a day-to-day basis, then so be it.

Here are a half-dozen noteworthy points that came up over the course of the weekend.  My guess is that some of what follows you may instinctively suspect is true already, but a dose of honest-to-goodness field-tested feedback can never, ever hurt.

1) What You Need To Know About Meeting Women At The Book Store

You’ve heard that bookstores are great places to meet women, and I agree.  There’s one major caveat, however—and one I never knew about until this weekend.

Guess what?  The next time you get blown out at Barnes and Noble, it may not have been about you at all.  Apparently, every multi-level marketer in the “get rich quick” world spends his or her time prowling bookstores on Saturday afternoon stalking people.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

During debriefings after approaches my friend made, I spoke to at least two women who expressed they were reticent to talk to ANYONE at a bookstore because of that.  Interestingly, they both STILL were enchanted by the conversation my friend had with them, so this isn’t exactly a “deal breaker”.

The takeaway here is to pick an aisle other than the one with all the business books, and choose an opener other than, “Hey, it looks like you’d like to make some extra money on the side too, huh?”

All told, that should be relatively simple to avoid.

2) The Stronger And More “Independent” She Is, The More She Wants You To Lead

We noticed a pair of female friends sitting at the bar, one of whom appeared to be particularly strong-willed and confident.  You know the type.  Lots of grandiose hand gestures and perpetually projecting the kind of body language that screams “Yeah, right”.

After my friend had a conversation with the pair that clearly engaged them effectively, I followed up to ask them how they think it went.

The one with the strong personality, who looked a lot like Pink, blurted out.  “Why didn’t he just tell me to give him my number?  We want a man who tells us what to do.”

Seizing the opportunity to explore that one, she went on to spout this gem:  “The next time a guy takes me out on a date and asks me what I want to do, I’m going to tell him to drop me off at the Walgreen’s [drug store] because I’m out of tampons.”

Isn’t it interesting how we as guys tend to think we ought to yield MORE to strong-willed women rather than LEAD more?   You’ve got to give women a man they can respect, and the stronger of a personality she is the more frustrated she probably is by the men she’s been meeting lately.  Count on it…and step up to the plate accordingly.

3) If You Say You’re Sorry, She’ll Agree

One of my soapboxes is how women are hard-wired to follow our lead as men.  If the point above demonstrates that fact, this one whacks it upside the head with a shovel.

Simply put, if you open a conversation with a woman with something to the effect of, “I’m sorry to bother you, but…” you’ve already stacked the deck against yourself.

4) Why Downplaying Your Interest Is Actually An Insult

We tend to think the best course of action when approaching a woman is to downplay why we’ve shown up in her airspace.

But least one time this past weekend my friend had to work to recover from exactly that kind of opener.

All he had said was that he was getting bored, so he decided to start a conversation.

Let’s just say that women don’t want to be the solution to your boredom.  They actually WANT you to be interested in them.  They WANT to know they captured your attention for real.

Imagine that…for many women it’s not only okay to express to them in some subtle way that you were attracted, it’s PREFERABLE.

Obviously, however, keep it simple.  Don’t pre-approve them as the new mistress of your universe.  That’s worse than being bored…that’s just boring.

5) A “Hybrid” Of Direct And Indirect Game Is Virtually Unstoppable

How about this?  Instead of debating whether or not “direct” or “indirect” game is the best way to go, consider using what I can only call a “hybrid” of the two.

We got more than our fair share of the usual feedback from women that they inherently KNOW what is going on when a guy approaches them.   Beating around the bush only betrays a low level of confidence.

But then again, saying something like, “I saw you from across the room and had to meet you” does indeed come off as a bit too strong for some women.

I’ve personally had great success with the latter type of approach, but yes…you really do have to gauge what the woman’s personality type is going to be like before starting the conversation in order decide whether or not you can pull that off.

And that, of course, isn’t always the easiest thing to do.

The disarmingly simple truth is this.  If you open with a confident line that conveys the right amount of energy, all the while not hiding AT ALL the fact that you were intrigued enough to come introduce yourself, things are WAY more likely to end well for you.

This concept has proven itself over and over again.

An example from this past weekend would be when we approached two women at a booth in a restaurant and casually mentioned to them that we were the self-appointed managers in charge of making sure everyone was having a good time.  When they laughed and began telling us how everything was, we told them that was great, but really we had just wanted to meet them.

The combination of playful banter and unabashed confidence won them over with breathtaking speed.  Emily and I turned away and started dancing together, leaving my friend to bask in the glory of this one.  Nice job.

6) Stop Fearing Whether She Is Married Or Not

You know how the classic excuse goes.  We talk ourselves out of approaching a woman because, “What if she’s married or has a boyfriend?”

Here it is:  IT DOESN’T MATTER.  At least not as far as getting “rejected” is concerned.

Why not?  Because if you approach a woman the right way, it’s JUST A CONVERSATION…at least at first.

As it turns out, at least 50% of the women my friend approached all weekend were NOT single.  And yet, every single one of those women still engaged in conversation.  EVERY ONE of them.

But here’s the crazy part.  At least a few of them smiled, nodded, leaned in and played with their hair.  Whatever attraction “looks” like, they exhibited it.

If you really have to find something to worry about in order to stay warm at night, concern yourself with what you’re going to do when you’ve flat-out enchanted a woman enough that she really, seriously WOULD go out with you…and THEN you find out she’s married.

That’s far more likely to be a well-founded concern than getting shut out from the get go.  I’m telling you, there are A LOT of frustrated wives out there, gentlemen.

All told, we had visited Barnes and Noble, a killer outfitter store, Target, a restaurant noted for employing particularly sexy waitresses and even the grocery store during the daytime.

At night, we warmed up by singing karaoke in front of the gnarliest audience in town…just to feel the love.  Then we progressed from a well-lit and very social bar to an equally friendly Irish pub.

After successfully meeting and enthralling two or three women at a time at those types of places it was time for the ultimate test.

We invited one of Emily’s attractive single friends along and we went to the two most notorious upscale hangouts for single people in town.  You know them well:  The AMOG-infested shark tanks with a granite bar, Chimay on tap and Italian sports cars littering the parking lot.

Same results.  And you can add a seventh bullet point to the list above.  Self-absorbed d-bag rich guys are a turn off—even to the women who showed up because they thought they might like to get asked out by one.

My friend from out of town RULED.  He and Emily’s friend even ended up getting along VERY nicely.  Go figure.

After pulling an all-nighter culminating in the standard “Breakfast Debriefing” over Chorizo and Egg tacos at Chacho’s around 4.30 am or so, it was time to hit the airport.

The last thing I said to him as we were pulling into San Antonio International was this.  “OK, man.  You’re on a run of having successfully talked to fifteen women or groups of women IN A ROW—I counted.  There’s no reason why you shouldn’t have your confidence HARD WIRED by now.  But just in case, here’s the first thing to do once you get out on your own this morning.  Talk to at least one woman here in this airport, and another when you change planes at DFW.”

I looked over and he was sound asleep…exhausted.

I laughed, and continued out loud, “Alright, you talked me into it.  You get a ‘Mulligan’ here.  But at DFW for sure.”

He caught his plane on time…and all was good in the universe.  As I drove away, I was reminded of why I’ve got the greatest job in the world…again.

When I got home I cracked a Shiner Bock and watched the 7am SportsCenter.  I couldn’t sleep.

Be Good,

Scot McKay

D.C. Folley — What NOT To Do While Sarging

February 4, 2004 by  
Filed under Rants & Reviews

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/24/03

Okay, now I remember why I hate D.C.  Its not just the fact that I don’t have a car, or the fact that my parents plan my days for me like I’m a fuckin’ first grader, rather, it’s that it is very hard to sarge here.

D.C. has some of the worst traffic in the world, I swear to god.  I get to places FASTER in LA, and the traffic there is terrible too.  But at least we got 5 LANES of terrible traffic as opposed to 2 or often times 1, in D.C.’s case.  I tell you, I must be spoiled, because the quality of women in this town isn’t exactly what I’d call “prime.”  Of course, I am used to LA quality chicks, which are usually the best and hottest from all over the world.  But even I expected better women in D.C.  There was a post on the D.C. list a while back discussing whether there were any pretty women in this town, and I gotta say, I’m inclined to say NO! (If there are good ones here, they must be hiding).  Now I see why ol’ Bill went for Monica.  On the D.C. scale, that bitch is a fuckin’ 10.

So I wake up at 3:00 in the fuckin’ afternoon out here.  Keep in mind, my schedule is still on LA time, which is 3 hours early, so it’d be a ripe old noon in my home town.  However, I wanted to go out Christmas shopping today, so it was necessary to wake up early and beat the crowd.  I ask my dad to wake me up so I can get ready and have enough time to shop.  Of course, my dad’s idea of waking people up is flipping the light switch on and off.  He tried to wake me up twice with this tactic, however MY EYES WERE FUCKING SHUT! So of course, I was oblivious to the wake-up call.

Anyway, I get up and get ready to go out, so by the time I’m set, its time to go to dinner.  My family has a tradition about going out to eat on the 23rd of every December, so we go to a Steakhouse.  While there, the ONLY woman other than my mother is some warpig waitress that the drunken Mexican landscapers that descended upon this establishment are going after like she’s the only woman they’ve seen since jumping out of the van.  Of course, she’s loving it, but I’m forced to sit and talk to my family for lack of better targets (I’m still trying to come up with a decent system for restaurant sarging.  If anyone has any good tactics, please post them here).

After dinner, me and my brothers go out to the Pentagon City Mall to do our typical last minute shopping.  While there, we spilt up and go our separate ways, which is great because I finally get the chance to do some sarging.  However, its not meant to be.

About 80% of the women I run into are either fat, black, or a combination of the two.  Now, I have nothing against black chicks, but I just don’t go for them.  Same with fat chicks.  The women I do find that are worth sarging are of an average age of 15.  FIFTEEN!!!!  I feel like the biggest fucking perv in the world after I open a girl and her mother comes up to remind her that she can’t choose too many presents because she’s getting a car for her 16th birthday.

So I go about my shopping feeling like a dirty old man at the ripe ol’ age of 25.  It reminds me of why I prefer bars and clubs, at least there you know you’re in the ballpark.  And I start thinking about what I’d do if I WAS successful and picking a girl up.  My little brother drove me here.  I’m staying at my parent’s house.  I have no money.  The whole situation just does not bode well.

So I spend about $300 on gifts and go home pissed that its another night of my vacation wasted.  I was also informed that we’re visiting my grandparents for three days after Christmas, and even though it will be nice to see them, I am screaming on the inside because of the simple fact I am in LIMBO LAND!  Sure, there’s not stress or worries, but there is also no fun either.  Ugg!

I better get some good gifts this year, or I might end up killing somebody.


FR: An Airport Pick-Up

February 4, 2004 by  
Filed under Field Report

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/20/03
**Image removed

Okay, now that I’ve got the airport rant off my chest, its time to get to the good stuff. The stuff that most of you reading this are probably here for in the first place.

Its a been a while since I’ve posted a Field Report, and there is a good reason for that. Since late October, my health has been fucked. At first I had a sinus cold, and that mutated into the Flu. So I missed a bunch of work, and on top of that, my stupid ass goes to Vegas for Thanksgiving weekend and ends up spending a shitload of money partaking in every debauchery known to man and a good 6 of the 7 deadly sins, which means to top things off, I’m quite broke. All this leads to many a lonely night at home alone trying to kill the pain with nyquil while masturbating to internet porn.

Well, I’m happy to say my health is improving. The flu I got is almost all gone (still cough a bit) and I’ve been able to get enough money this month to make rent, but not much more than that. So I haven’t been able to go out much because my health/wealth game has been in the proverbial shitter for almost two months now.

Which brings me to yesterday. Yesterday, I was at the airport, and its been my experience that an airport is an EXCELLENT place to sarge. I’ve been able to # close a great many hot chicks at airports. Of course, lots of them don’t lead anywhere for various reasons, but for the most part, while girls are traveling, they are usually more adventurous because they are in a place where they aren’t going to be socially judged by people they know for their actions. Not only that, but the boredom of airport life is so great, that most people are looking for any distraction to pass the time. In fact, some of my easiest walk-ups ever have been in airports.

That said, I don’t go to airports looking to PU. I go there to travel. PU is just a nice side-effect of doing so. I don’t want to hear stories about guys going to the airport on Friday night to pick-up chicks, kapeesh?

Anyway, there I am, talking to soldier dude, when this girl comes walking by. She’s a tiny thing, very petite body, small breasts, and tight ass — just the way I like ‘em. She’s cute, but not drop-dead gorgeous. She’d probably rate a 7 on the looks scale, but on the 1-0 scale (1 being “good enough” and 0 being “not good enough”) I’d have to say she’s definitely “good enough.” That’s her pic on the top of the page to give you an idea of what she looks like.

But she’s lugging around this huge, zebra striped backpack that’s broken up with black screens. Upon closer inspection, I can see she’s got a little puppydog in there that she’s traveling with. Now, I’m a sucker for dogs, so I can’t help staring at it. She notices me doing so, and I open her with:

“What do you do if the dog has to take a shit?”

How’s that for masterful? Eat your heart out Style. Anyway, she laughs and says the dog went before they came, and he’s also doped up on doggie-valum, so he’ll be quiet during the trip. Now, I find the very idea of valume for dogs fascinating, so I start talking to her about other animals she may have doped up. She laughs and we have a good conversation. I keep disinterested because in all honesty, I was more interested in the dog than the girl (not in that respect you pervs!).

So I get on the plane and settle in, and who should sit down next to me? Bitch girl — er, I mean, girl with the dog. She says “It looks like you can’t escape us.” I tell her it must either be karma or she’s stalking me. She laughs and settles her dog in under her seat before sitting down.

Right away she makes herself comfortable by taking off her shoes and putting her legs on the seat. I tell her its gonna be a long flight with her stinky feet in my face. She laughs. then we talk about her dog until take-off. The dog is named Copenhagen after the town in Germany for some reason, but she calls him “Koop.” He’s a mixed breed mutt she rescued from a homeless lady and has since become her child. She says they are very co-dependent on each other and it shows in the way she dotes over this animal. I find it a bit endearing, but its also a huge sign of insecurity, so I start testing the waters a bit.

It turns out she’s an actress, and has actually been on a few shows I’ve seen. The latest was The Brotherhood of Poland New Hampshire. So we talk about acting and shit for a bit. I love the fact that she’s an actress, because it means she’s a validation whore (and REALLY insecure), so I can be pretty evil with her and get away with it. In fact, I tell her “Wow, you’re really insecure. I’m gonna have a lot of fun with you.”

She plays along. I just keep being really cocky. I accuse her of being a primadonna. I tell her shit like she makes J-Lo look like Mother Theresa with her unreasonable demands. She starts trying to fight back with lame lines like “Oh, yeah. And you’re so cool.” To which I reply “Thanks for noticing.”

At the same time I’m doing this, I’m also validating her by doing little shit, like sharing my gummy-fish I picked up at the airport with her when she says she’s hungry. I also give her some of my nasty airline food. She acted like it was a big deal that I was giving up part of my meal for her, but I just couldn’t stomach the nasty shit, so the situation was win-win.

Anyway, this goes on for 5 hours with me teasing the shit out of her. We end up sleeping together on the flight (not sexing it up, mind you. We slept and we were next to each other). I babysit her dog when she goes to the bathroom, so she’s all impressed when she comes back and finds me caring for it. I tell her she sleeps like her dog and I thought I was taking care of her. But the coup-de-grace was when a baby across the isle from us shit its pants and I blamed the smell on her. Priceless.

So the plane lands and I’m helping her to strap this dog on her shoulders. Its funny, because at 6’1, I tower over this itty-bitty girl. We start walking together to the gate, and I say we should hang out when we both get back to LA. She says she’d love to and gives me her number before we split up and greet our prospective family members.

So that’s it. A solid number close. Nothing special, but still, it was fun and the girl was easy to talk to and cute. At the very least, I’ve expanded my social circle and made a cool new friend. At best, I get a fuck buddy out of it. Regardless, I enjoyed her company a great deal and look forward to hanging out with her again.

And that’s why they call me…