How Long Should You Be Single After A Breakup?

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Travellingwilbury over at the Attraction Forums poses an interesting question.  What is the procedure for getting a new relationship after an old one ends?  How long should you be single for?

Travellingwilbury writes:

Do you WANT to be single?

Considered posting this in the Relationships area, but it’s still a newbie question.

Let’s just say I haven’t had a lot of girlfriends. I’m not going to complain about that this time. I’ve been doing a lot of things wrong. At least I now know what they were. I’m feeling good about my ability to attract overall. The point is that I certainly haven’t had girlfriends serially – with small gaps between them, as many seem to.

In these questions I’m not talking about one night stands of fuckbuddies, I’m talking about relationships that last weeks and months…
Some guys have to put up with celibacy / no romance, for months. I don’t think any guys like being single, whereas girls seem to like it, or at least they are good at pretending to like it – freedom etc. A guy’s wife of many years dies, and I’ve seen it: he is seeing or even married to a woman 10 years younger than his late wife within 6 months. Some guys can’t stand a gap. Who here feels like they want very short gap? You might want more gap if the last relationship was emotional. But what does an alpha or a pua do when a relationship ends, assuming it didn’t end because he was already seeing another girl? Do you literally just decide that you need constant access to a woman’s body, any woman’s body and you just go out every night and day until you find one and then you can relax again, even if it takes a month?

Is that what you’re supposed to do? Loads of sudden concentrated effort. Are some of you driven to be single for only a short time. I’ve never done that. But my gaps were expected to be big, so I’ve never got used to being in a relationship, so I don’t notice the absence as much as some. I didn’t have a lot of girlfriends because I just assumed they would sort of turn up or approach me themselves. Some guys just seem to fall into relationships. It’s not just that they APPEAR effortless. I suspect they are REALLY making no effort, but they’re having everyday incidental contact with women in their lives anyway and they’re attractive, easy, handsome, well-groomed, by default and so no CONSCIOUS effort is needed.

I’m tortured by the concept that “It is easy to get a girlfriend!” because it is both true and false. If you really want one, it isn’t. If you don’t, but have a busy social life, it is. Correct? It’s easy or hard (or impossible) depending on your game, your expectations, your desperation and your lifestyle?

How long a gap could you stand? And how do you go about making sure a gap is short, if that is your preference? Approach every girl? Be impatient for a girl without seeming to be?

If I need to make efforts like that, I need more motivation and less nervousness – more exercise, and no salt, caffeine or masturbation.

Well, here’s how I see things… Read more

Losing Attraction After Day 2

Taffer over on mASF wrote the following detailing his problems with Day 2s.

Taffer wrote:

Can't Close The Deal?

I ought to cut back on drinking, or texting, or the combination of both.

Last three girls I came close to bedding have courteously responded in a similar manner after my reinitiation attempts, questioning my game efficiency.

All three girls have this in common.

- initially very high attraction to me (kino, make outs, day2s)
- okay Day2s with one leading to Day3 and crappy sex performance on my side
- Immeditaley unavailable following Day2/3 180 change in ther attraction and commitment to seeing me

I could attribute this to, persistent periodic texting.
If I have a good Day2 I obviously wanna see this girl again in a week or two. Maybe I tried to set up the next date too soon because I waited as little as 4 days to 10 days after day2 to schedule next encounter.

Maybe it’s my personality, I’m very open-book type of guy which may put some people off.

There’s a chance I came across too relationshippy and didn’t continue to keep the attraction up.

Last girl responded with a version of this,

“Taffer, you’re a deeply loving individual deserving best treatment. I had a lovely time, but I’m seeing somebody else these days”

I’m aghast to have yet another girl responding with this “heartfelt” crap.

So I’m a great, awesome, caring guy, for SOMEONE ELSE! Tired of this crap.

How do I even react to something like this?
Lacking major calibration somewhere.

I’m at my wits end here folks. I’d appreciate any input you guys can offer.

There is definitely an issue going on here.  Typically, you have to have some measure of attraction to get a Day 2 (meeting after the initial encounter), so Taffer is definitely doing something right there.  But his game falls apart shortly thereafter with his Day 2 strategy.  Here’s why… Read more

Paying For Girls?

Brian10212 over on the PUA Forums had a question about paying for girls on dates…

Brian10212 writes:

I know it’s not a good idea to pay for girls when you first meet them but what about what you have texted them awhile back and forth or talked to them on the phone multiple times? They want to go out later and if you go to a bar or get something to eat then how do you guys handle the situation when the bill comes?

This is an interesting question because there are a lot of factors involved when it comes to picking up the tab on a date.

The first of which is whether or not you can afford to pay for dates.  I mean, most people are employed and have money, but I’m well aware there are guys out there who don’t have any extra cash to drop on a girl – especially girls who aren’t giving it up quite yet.

If you can’t afford to take girls out, then you gotta make it clear you wanna go dutch (ie: have her pay for herself and you pay for yourself) before you meet up.  Just ask her if its cool if you meet somewhere cheap because you’ve got a big bill coming due and you can’t afford to treat her at that time.  Don’t make it sound like your broke, just that your money is tied up at the moment.

However, if you’re not completely broke, here are my guidelines for when it comes to paying for chicks… Read more

Casual Sex Leads To Long Term Relationships?

USAToday is reporting on a study about how casual sex doesn’t ruin the prospect of long term relationships.

People who “hook up” for casual sex can have as rewarding a long-term relationship as those who take it slowly and establish a meaningful connection before they have sex, says a new study.

University of Iowa researchers analyzed relationship surveys and found that average relationship quality was higher for people who took it slowly than for those who became sexually involved in “hook-ups,” casual dating, or “friends with benefits” relationships.

However, having sex early on wasn’t the reason for this disparity, according to UI sociologist Anthony Paik. When he factored out people who weren’t interested in getting serious, he found that those who became sexually involved as friends or acquaintances and were open to a serious relationship were just as happy as those who dated but delayed having sex.

The study analyzed a survey of 642 heterosexual adults in Chicago. To measure the quality of the relationships, people answered questions about how much they loved their partner, their level of satisfaction with intimacy in the relationship, the future of the relationship, and how their lives would be different if the relationship ended.

“We didn’t see much evidence that relationships were lower quality because they started off as hook-ups,” Paik, an assistant professor in the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences, said in a UI news release.

“The study suggests that rewarding relationships are possible for those who delay sex. But it’s also possible for true love to emerge if things start off with a more Sex and the City approach, when people spot each other across the room, become sexually involved and then build a relationship,” he added.

I know that personally, most of my relationships grow out of the “casual dating” arena.  I know lots of girls think that having sex with a guy too soon will make him lose interest in her, but I’ve never found that to be the case.  If the guy is only interested in sex in the first place, then he probably will lose interest after getting what he wants (then again, he’d lose interest if it takes too long to get what he wants as well!).  But if a guy is open to having a relationship, and sex happens quickly, that can actually speed up the process by which he’s willing to be in a relationship.

So this study isn’t really that surprising to me.

Should You Meet A Girl At Her Place For A First Date?

Ali123, over on the Attraction Forums, had an interesting question about the wisdom concerning meeting women at their places for a date.

Ali123 writes:
Ok I’ve been doing this online gaming for a year or two but only inthe last 2-3 months has my game really improved and in fact I seem to be on a bit of a roll.

Do you guys think its a bad idea if a girl invites you over to her place for the first time you meet. In the last month been to 5 girls places as a first date/meet, I’ve slept with 3 of them. The other two didnt work out and didnt want to do anything. Of those two one ignored me and the other said she didnt want to see me again as she didnt fancy me. In fairness 3/5 isnt too bad.

But do you think its a bad environment to meet a girl? Are you more likely to fuck her if you meet her in a bar close to her place and get her to go back to hers? When you meet at their place its tough because you have to make chit chat etc and then make a move and no alcohol to help you!

Finally I was chatting to an HB7/8 on POF chat messenger, and shes told me to come to her place when I finish work on Sunday at 3am!!! Shes said her flatmates away, and I joked she’d be asleep, she had work the next day, and only if she can make a good cup of tea. But she continued to insist. Shes a hot girl and I dunno if I should meet her when I wont be looking my best. Surely its better to go for a drink and get a little tipsy?

Thoughts guys?

Contrary to popular belief, you DO NOT need to get a girl slightly drunk/tipsy before you make your move, my dear Ali123.  So I wouldn’t even worry about that.

Here’s the thing…

I think a girl who allows a guy she just met to come over to her place is a definite sign that she’s open to hooking up, as your 3 out of 5 ratio should tell you.  The way I like to work things, is I’ll invite a girl to my place when we have plans to go out, let her in, allow her a bit of time to become comfortable with my surroundings, then we go out to dinner or whatever.  So by the time the night is winding down, if I ask her to come back to my place, it won’t be that intimidating for her.

If a girl invites you to HER place, she already feels comfortable with the environment, so its much easier to hook up with her there.  At that point, the only thing you have to work on is comfort/rapport building and attraction, since the logistics are already in your favor.  And let’s face it, if a girl you’ve just met is allowing you into her place on a first date, she’s open to sleeping with you.  So no, I personally don’t think going to a girl’s place for a first date is a bad thing.

Now, if she doesn’t want to LEAVE her place and go out, that does seem a bit odd, since that isn’t really a “date” date.  When you go over to her place, you can ask her if she’d like to go grab a drink or a bite to eat somewhere close by, and then go back to her place afterward, but if she just wants to stay in, then maybe she is just looking for sex.  You have to treat each situation as it comes up, since some girls might just be boring sticks-in-the-mud and others might be looking for some hanky-panky.

But if given the opportunity, I will always accept an invitation to go to the girl’s place.  Yes, you can’t always control the environment – roommates, poor living conditions, etc. – but sometimes it can be better logistically.

How Asian Men Can Pick Up Black Women

Asian Playboy has a few posts up on his blog by a guest writer that advises Asian Men how to hook up with black women.  It’s pretty interesting, since most PUA tactics work no matter what race you or the girl are, but there are certain cultural differences that can affect your interactions if you’re not aware of them.  Check out what guest author “Blasian Bytch” writes about the subject:

Blasian Bytch writes:
There are three basic things I think all the Asian men who appealed to me and eventually got the booty mastered and I’ll try to explain them to you. First, they were never douche bags about race. Second they made an effort to try to understand some of our cultural differences. Lastly, they were comfortable being who they were and respectful of their own people and culture.

It’s easy for people to assume that just because two people in a relationship are not the same race that somehow they’ve discovered the cure for racism, I know first hand that’s not the case. Plenty of men that chose to date interracially can be total cunts when it comes to issues of race, some without even realizing it.

It can be little things like turning to the hip-hop station that you would never listen to as soon as I get into the car. A pretty solid rule of life is if phrases like “boo”, “girlfriend” or, “oh no he didn’t” aren’t in your everyday vocabulary don’t try to adopt them to be “down”. If these terms are in your everyday vocabulary punch yourself in the face, please. This type of racial pandering has for me been a red flag when it comes to dating.

You’ll be hard pressed to find a group of people so forced into racial awareness as a Black woman living in America. Our society is simply racially obsessed and usually to our detriment. The last thing a black woman is interested in is a date that regurgitates what mainstream has decided is “Black”. On that note any actions that can confirm to her that you’ve formulated your entire concept of Blackness and Black people from BET is most likely going to be a deal breaker.

You can read the full articles here and here.  (Yeah, its in two parts.)

Toxic Personalities in Dating: The Taker

Cameron has a pretty cool post up on his blog about a certain “Toxic Personality” type you should learn to spot and avoid if possible.

TheOne writes:

Continuing in this series of toxic personality traits, we come to the examine the value taker. This is a trait exhibited by individuals who have a great propensity towards self-absorption and a lack of willingness to want to contribute.

To compound the above mentioned issues, these individuals also may display a bewildering sense of entitlement. I’ll explain that a bit later.

Like the complainer, the value-taker can become just as easy to spot, if you learn to know what to look for. To start identifying this trait, you just have to be aware of super basic tell-tale signs that give them away.

The most noticeable trait that is rather self evident is their complete disregard towards other people’s lives. You’ll quickly note their tendency to not ask any questions about you. When they do, it’s related to what they can siphon off for themselves. It’s not about showing any actual interest in you.

So let’s assume you’re at a party, and you run to such types. They’ll come into basic general varieties.

Type 1 : The Proverbial Gold-Digger who will dig for information: What do you drive? Do you own or rent? What kind of a job? They may not ask explicitly and blatantly, but they’ll try to investigate to discover this info.

Type II: Talk about themselves constantly. Sometimes it’s the gold digger trying to impress you. Having established you’re someone of value, she is going to want to make a good impression. The most fascinating part this is that her own gold-digging prowess is limited by her lack of social skills.

It’ll sound like this: “Oh, I just moved her from Chicago, ya know I just love Chicago, but I moved out here, then when I got here, blah, blah, blah,… (2 min later) then 3 weeks later when I was on this job, I heard that…. Blah, blah, blah…”

Their story is not anecdotal, nor does it have a point. It’s not meant to entertain you, (because that’d be actually contributing something to the interaction), nor is it in the spirit of sharing and establishing rapport between two individuals.

It’s just a person talking. It’s not whimsical, insightful, educational, anecdotal, humorous, or entertaining. Just random words thrown in the air that follow enough of a format where they seem to make somewhat coherent sentences in the English language. (or a foreign language for that matter.)

To go a step deeper, individuals with this toxic personality trait often display a sense of entitlement. For some reason, unbeknownst to the rest of humanity, these people feel that they’re entitled to certain things. For this reason, they’re the worst to deal with in any sort of relationship, be it friendships, business, or romantic.

You could easily gather a handful of various businessmen in a variety of industries and they could easily tell you the common behavioral patterns amongst problem customers who suffer from a sense of entitlement.

Let’s say you had some sort of a consulting service, and you’re one of the best at what you do. Your rates for services rendered are an even $100 per hour.

A healthy person would enjoy your services, thank you for a job well done, and refer many clients towards word of mouth.

A toxic “Entitled” person would stay a half hour over time squeezing more of your services and time, (now up to 90 minutes instead of 60), and then at the end of all that, try to negotiate to pay less than the usual 100-Dollar rate.

Worst case scenario: He wasted an extra half hour of your time, paid you less than your current rates, and then may still want a refund 3 weeks later. I have no respect for these types of people. They pull douchebag moves that are driven by their self-absorption and sense of entitlement.

As usual, this is not specific to gender. Both men and women can possess this toxic trait.

What you can do about it: Get the f*** away from such people.

Sometimes, just the questions they ask you reveal enough insight that enables you to distinguish the toxicity within their personalities. In business, it’s the difference between, “Wow, your rates are too steep man” versus “I can’t afford all of that right now. Is there something else I can do or offer to make up for it?”

The latter person wants to contribute. This in fact reminds me of a friend of mine who is a fantastic kickboxer. He charges a good rate for his hourly services, but then, every so often I’d find random dudes helping him in various endeavor.

Upon being asked regarding a guy helping him build a fence in his backyard, he responded, “Oh, that’s ‘John’. He can’t afford to pay me so I told him I’d teach him and he could help me build that fence.”

I told him it sounded like the Karate Kid movie all over again! He laughed and agreed.

The point is, “John” was willing to contribute but the dude simply couldn’t afford to pay the cash required. Was building a fence exact compensation? Nope, but it was enough of an effort that was worthy.

Will everyone be willing to do what my kickboxing teacher friend did? No, but you’ll find enough people who will help you if you are willing to CONTRIBUTE in whatever way you can.

The article is pretty good.  I suggest you check out the full thing here.  I guess its part of a series of people with “Toxic Personalities.”  It can be hard to spot people who are “takers” sometimes because a skilled one will fool you into thinking they’re nice and cool, and you don’t realize they’re a complete douche until they’ve successfully screwed you over.

I’ve found the best way to deal with “Takers” is to have immense self respect.  The more confident you are in yourself, the more you respect your own time and contributions to others, the harder it is for people to take advantage of you.

Meeting Older Women

Let’s face it, some things just get better with age.  Things like fine wine, Cuban cigars, and yes, even women!

Meeting a woman who’s older than you can actually be quite a good way to meet a fantastic partner.  Usually, older women are much more experienced, not only in relationships, but also in the bedroom.

So meeting older women can actually teach you a ting or two – not only about relationships, but also about what you’re really looking for in a partner.

So the real question is:

Are you interested in dating a woman who’s older than you are?

Do you find older women more attractive than their younger counterparts?

Well, my friend, you are not alone!

Older women are much more "mature" and experienced in the ways of love. They’ve usually had a lot of practice dealing with men, and know their way around the bedroom.

They can also be MUCH easier to deal with than younger women, who can tend to be a little "high maintenance."

If you’re a man in your mid-to-late 20s who’s mostly been with women in their late teens and early 20s, dating a woman in her 40s can be a real treat for you!

They tend to be more mature and less selfish – sexually, and in just about every other way – than the women you’re used to dating. And if you’re not looking for anything serious, the chances are higher that they’re not either, if they’re just past child-bearing age.

In that way, they’re kind of like a lot of women in their mid-20s and younger, who don’t feel compelled to start a family in the way that single women who’ve hit 28 or 29 do. By the time a single woman reaches that age range, she’s more likely to feel that now’s the time to act if she’s ever going to have children.

That’s because she’s not getting any younger, and she feels less attractive than she was when she was in her early 20s. In her mind, it’s only going to get harder to find a great man she can settle down with.

(By the way, a lot of women at this stage make a mistake that a lot of men make their entire lives: they get desperate. Some women actually repel men because of their desire to get into a serious relationship sooner than the man is comfortable with. And a lot of women at this stage will settle for a man who they’re not compatible with, but who will end up fulfilling their need to have a family.)

So how can you start meeting older women?

Well, there are lots of options.  But first, I’d like to point out that if you’re looking to go to trendy nightclubs or bars, chances are, you won’t find any there.

Most older women will tend to frequent more low-key establishments.  Bars in classy hotels, for instance.  Or cocktail hours at certain restaurants which serve alcohol.

Many of the best places to meet older women are places you’d go during your daily errands.  Places like the grocery store, for instance, or the mall.  Anyplace women go to shop.  Coffee shops in the morning and afternoon are good venues as well, since many older women will stop there on their way to and from work.

But the best place to meet older women, in my opinion, is online.

Many older women have kids or jobs, which doesn’t leave them much time to socialize, so many of them will go online looking for dates.  Places like Match.com, eHarmony, and even MySpace are fantastic venues for meeting older women.

But there are problems with dating older women. You may not be as mature as she is, which can be a problem for both of you. And the age difference can become rather awkward should you decide to get married: If there’s a 15-year age difference between you, then she’ll be 50 when you’re 35!

But that’s not to say that you shouldn’t meet and date an older woman. It can be a great experience for you, if you’re aware of the potential issues that can arise in the relationship.

So whether you want to meet older women, younger women, or women your own age, you should take some time to sign up for my free Meet Women crash course.

In this free course, I give you some A-List solid tips, tactics, and techniques on how to meet women without fear of rejection – no matter what age they are.  In fact, I even tell you how to make it easy and fun!

You owe it to yourself to take this opportunity.  Because if you wait, you may miss out on the woman of your dreams.

You can get your free course here:

Click Here For Free How To Meet Women Course

It only takes a few seconds to sign up, and you get free instant access once you do.

I really wish I had such a resource available to me when I first started!  It would have saved me a lot of trouble!  So take advantage of it while you can.  I don’t know how long I’ll make it available for free.

Wishing you success,

Joseph Matthews
Author of The Art Of Approaching Women

Date People Using Your iPod

Okay, so online dating isn’t a big thing, but dating using your iPod just might be.  There’s a new site out there called PodDater.  It looks like a free dating site that’s trying to bridge the gap between "podcasts" and "Match.com."  In theory its an interesting idea, but it doesn’t look like its quite caught on yet.

Basically, you go there, open up a profile, and then upload a video to your profile of you saying anything you want.  Then, other people download that video onto their iPod and they can watch it (if they have a video iPod) or listen to it (if they have a crappy iPod that doesn’t support video).  And then when they get back to a computer they can go and contact that person.

Now, it looks like the site is still in development, so it’s not quite where it should be yet.  The idea of having a dating site where you can regularly upload audio or video podcasts to about yourself, what you’re doing, and what your dates were like sounds like a great idea – but it just doesn’t seem to be there quite yet.

You can check out PodDater for yourself here.  Be sure to come back and let me know what you think of it.

How To Date Women At Work

Someone over on the mASF forums had a question about dating women in the workplace, so I thought I’d open my big mouth and chime in about this subject.

I think every man out there is well aware of all the problems that go with picking women up at work.  As if sexual harrassment wasn’t enough, you now have "sexual intimidation" going on.  (Whatever the hell THAT means!)

Having worked in an office environment myself, I definitely know the plight of many men out there who work 40+ hours a week at their jobs.  So many guys spend so much time at work, and by the time they get home they’re too tired to go out or they need to get MORE work done, so it becomes a real issue of:  work is the only logical place to meet people.

That said, workplace romances aren’t uncommon.  Lots of couples meet through work.  The very fact that two people are working at the same place creates a commonality that can help build rapport and open an avenue to attraction.

Back when I was in an office, one of my office-mates was well known as the "Office Dater."  He’d basically only date women who worked at the company, and he was very good at it.  I’ll share the tips I learned from him to effectively date at the workplace…

Read more

FastSeduction.com’s The Art Of The Pick Up – Review

Art Of The Pickup is the first offering from those crazy kooks over at fastseduction.com.  It’s a 2 DVD video set with over six hours worth of information culled from fastseduction.com’s vast repository of pick-up knowledge, all compiled into an easy to reference format.

The thing that makes the Art Of The Pickup stand out from other similar DVD sets is that it’s designed more like an interactive course on how to meet women than a simple recorded lecture, like you might get with other DVD courses.

This format works very well in an instructional sense, because it breaks down the different phases of pickup in an easy to follow way, and allows for quick reference of the different tactics available.

Read more

FastSeduction.com’s The Art Of The Pick Up – Review

Art Of The Pickup is the first offering from those crazy kooks over at fastseduction.com.  It’s a 2 DVD video set with over six hours worth of information culled from fastseduction.com’s vast repository of pick-up knowledge, all compiled into an easy to reference format.

The thing that makes the Art Of The Pickup stand out from other similar DVD sets is that it’s designed more like an interactive course on how to meet women than a simple recorded lecture, like you might get with other DVD courses.

This format works very well in an instructional sense, because it breaks down the different phases of pickup in an easy to follow way, and allows for quick reference of the different tactics available.

Read more

FastSeduction.com’s The Art Of The Pick Up – Review

Art Of The Pickup is the first offering from those crazy kooks over at fastseduction.com.  It’s a 2 DVD video set with over six hours worth of information culled from fastseduction.com’s vast repository of pick-up knowledge, all compiled into an easy to reference format.

The thing that makes the Art Of The Pickup stand out from other similar DVD sets is that it’s designed more like an interactive course on how to meet women than a simple recorded lecture, like you might get with other DVD courses.

This format works very well in an instructional sense, because it breaks down the different phases of pickup in an easy to follow way, and allows for quick reference of the different tactics available.

Read more

Review: Pick Up 101′s Physical Confidence DVD

You know, we all have our own definitions of "confidence."

That is why when someone says "You just need to be confident to get a woman," most guys will groan in dismay.

Why?

Because no one really knows what that means!

What one person things is "being confident" may not be another person’s definition of confidence.

And of those definitions – they may all be WRONG!

Let me share with you my definition of confidence…

Confidence is secure self knowledge.  It is knowing who you are – your strengths and your weaknesses – and being HAPPY about it!

Confidence truly stems from your own personal belief systems.  Bad beliefs will lead you to not like yoruself, and this will lead you to being unconfident.

However, good belief systems allow you to love who you are and accept your faults – and this leads you to being SUPREMELY confident.

So the big question is:  How do you go from hating yourself to loving yourself?

Read more

Review: Pick Up 101′s Physical Confidence DVD

You know, we all have our own definitions of "confidence."

That is why when someone says "You just need to be confident to get a woman," most guys will groan in dismay.

Why?

Because no one really knows what that means!

What one person things is "being confident" may not be another person’s definition of confidence.

And of those definitions – they may all be WRONG!

Let me share with you my definition of confidence…

Confidence is secure self knowledge.  It is knowing who you are – your strengths and your weaknesses – and being HAPPY about it!

Confidence truly stems from your own personal belief systems.  Bad beliefs will lead you to not like yoruself, and this will lead you to being unconfident.

However, good belief systems allow you to love who you are and accept your faults – and this leads you to being SUPREMELY confident.

So the big question is:  How do you go from hating yourself to loving yourself?

Read more

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