Homecoming Delayed

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**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/31/03

Just a quick note:

I discovered today that I will not be returning to Los Angeles until the 4th of January, noth the 3rd like I originally thought (or hoped, as the case may be).

Dear God, one more day in my own personal hell. 

Thundercat

To Grandmother’s House We Go…

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/27/03

I’m beginning to feel a little bit like Frodo with his ring, trudging towards Mordor.  The weight of family and all the AFC anchors associated to it is starting to become too great.  I got an e-mail from my good friend up north, Brother Kermit, reminding me that family breaks state, and he couldn’t be more right.  I can almost feel my pick-up skills atrophing as I type.

To top it off, my parent’s are dragging me to my Grandparent’s house for the weekend, so I’m afraid I won’t be able to start updating the blog again until Monday.  It will be nice to see my Grandparents and extended family, but it is just under such opressive sircumstances, it is literally zapping all drive and ambition from me.  Nothing wears you down more than the constant stream of questions from family trying to understand what it is I’m doing with my life and why I have yet to accomplish the goals THEY set out for me when I was a kid.  I tried explaining to my father what I was doing today, and his responce was simply "I don’t see how you’re going to achieve that."  Yay for support.

Regardless, my dear, old Grandparents will be happy to see me, though I am bracing for the inevitable "All we want before we die is to see some great-grandchildren," statement, which will undoubtedly be directed towards me, since I’m the oldest of the grandkids.  I haven’t the heart to tell them that I don’t plan on getting married right now, let alone ever having children.  Just another jab at ol’ Thundy’s state.  Ugh.

On the lighter side, I got some good Christmas gifts this year.  Quite a few DVDs I’ve been jonesing for, and an expensive little toy called a CLIE, which is part palm pilot, part digital camera, part camcorder, part voice recorder, part MP3 player, part video game player, part portable computer, and part internet hub, so I’m having fun decoding how to work the damn thing.  I plan on using it in the field to record a few of my sarges.  I might post a few online if they’re good enough, but I’ll have to wait to see if it’s really worth the trouble.

I’ve talked to Ellyn on the phone twice since the last update.  The first one, she called me on Christmas Day to wish me a happy holliday, further trying to entice me to visit with the promise of sex.  She kept talking about my dick and the hotel we’d be getting and all that jazz.  Very subtly manipulative on her part, which goes to show you how even girls with brain damage can fuck with you, its so naturally ingrained in their psychology.

However, I was sure to tell her that maybe I’d visit her on Saturday, knowing full well that I’d be with Grandpa and Grandma at that time.  I made it sound like a good possibility, then pulled it away with "but I’m not sure what my plans are," which would only make her try harder to convince me.  She eventually ended up asking if I’d let her know either way if I was gonna come or not.

So today I called to tell her that I wasn’t gonna make it (Grandparent’s trip and all).  So she calls me back all heartbroken and asking if there was any other time I could make it before I go back to LA.  She tells me she has plans for New Years but is willing to break them if I’d come up.  This poor chick is just trying WAY too hard.  I don’t even know what I did to deserve this treatment from her, but I’m definitely getting an idea of what it’s like to be a hot chick.  Anyway, I tell her that if I was to visit her, Tuesday would be the day.  So if I go up there, that’s when it’ll be.  Otherwise I’ll just write the whole thing off.  I know that if I DO hook up with her, it could very well be more drama than its worth, because I just KNOW she’s gonna pull some crap where she’ll try to get me to let her come out to California with me (which will never happen).  But, we’ll see how she plays it.

I talked to Papa briefly over the holliday and he told me that the Seattle Real Social Dynamics workshop was a success.  Apparently, all the instructors got laid, which is always nice to hear (though its nicer to hear the STUDENTS got laid, but I digress…).  He invited me to help teach the final Mystery Method Workshop in LA, which should be a huge party, but the dummy’s scheduled it for this weekend, and I’m gonna be entertaining the grandparents, so I’m unable to attend.  Hopefully, the last MM workshop will go out with a blast.  I’m sorry I have to miss this one because I love to see Style work his shit in the field, it really is a learning experience for me when that happens, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be.  Hopefully, the New Year will be a lot of fun with the launch of "Project Hollywood" and getting a few new faces in the LA scene (ie:  Herbal, who seems to have great potential as a PUA).

I heard Tyler and 2-6 were gonna be in LA for a few weeks, so if I’m lucky I’ll get to see them again before they head back to America Jr. — er, Canada.  Regardless, I’m just looking forward to getting back to LA and my own life.  I’m going to change a lot of things about the way I’m living this year to try and help me get in the right frame of mind.  I’m gonna redecorate my appartment to give it a new feel.  I also plan on creating more of a routine to follow, so I can focus on some important personal goals of mine, which also extend to a new business I’m starting up and my seduction study.  Who knows?  Maybe if I get good enough at this I’ll teach a class at the Learning Annex, right next to Seymore Butt’s How To Make Your Own Porno Movie class.  =)

Anyway, I’ll catch you all when I get back from the family reunion.  In the meantime, if you guys wanna help me out by sending me field reports or articles to post, I’d love to get some just so its not all on me to find crap to write about!

Later,

Thundercat

Merry Christmas!!! Happy Hunakkuh!!! Awesome Kwanzaa!!!

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/24/03
**Image removed

Well, the Hollidays are here, and even I, the great and mighty Thundercat, must take a break.  It can be quite laborous updating a daily blog of any sort, but I am thankful I have such a great tool to help keep me focused on this aspect of my life wich needs constant attention.  However, the next two days of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I am setting aside to spend with family and enjoy my favorite holliday of the year.

I’ve loved Christmas ever since I was a kid.  It’s not just about the preasents for me.  I love the snow, the tree, the decorations, the green and red color coordinating, Santa Clause, fires in the fireplace, stockings, candy, friendship, family… I love everything it stands for.  The coming of Christ into the world, and with him, the hope for every man, woman, and child living or yet to live to enjoy peace and happiness forever.  Whatever your beliefs may be, you have to admit, that’s a good thing to strive for.

This year, I am thankful for so many things.  But most of all, I am thankful for my friends.  I have been quite lucky to meet so many great guys who have become companions and confidants in my life.  People like Masterclass, Swinggcat, Papa, Mystery, Craig, Style, Tyler Durden, 2-6, Poet Dude, Tyler Durden, Brother Kermit,  Joey Vegas, Herbal, Harmless, Little Big Dick, Christophe, Merovingian,  J-Dog, Zan, Maddash, Ace Rock, Primoman, Adam, Ross Jeffries, David DeAngelo, and any number of others (I know I’m leaving a few out).  I am thankful for their support, advice, and fellowship on days like this, because I believe they are all helping to make me a better person.

And I’m also thankful for you guys reading this blog, because you help keep me motivated to go out there and improve an area in my life which has traditionally been lacking.  I hope you will all continue to come back and participate in discussions on this site so that I may learn and grow as much as you guys.

Finally, I’d like to ask a big favor from all of you.  As you can see, on the left of my site on the "Links" portion, I have a URL that will lead you to a website called "Fashion For Fat Guys."  Its an eBook that instructs overweight men how to dress better for their body type (lord knows I’ll need to crack it open after this holliday is done).  Basically, the deal is that I make money everytime a copy of that book is sold.  I have had a bit of financial difficulty this past year, and it has affected my sarging, to the point where I’m not able to go out as much as I’d like.

So to be a bit selfish in this giving season, I’d ask that you guys check out the site and see what it offers.  If you think it would help you, please buy it.  If you know of someone it might help, recommend it or buy it for them as a gift.  I only link stuff I believe is quality and offers value, so if I didn’t think it was an honest product with valuable information, I would not attach myself to it.  At the very least, I hope to earn enough off of it to pay for this blog so I can continue to rant and rave for your reading pleasure for another year.  At the most, I hope to make enough to quit my shitty job and be a full time seducer/web publisher.

But, despite all that, I hope you all have a happy, fun, and safe holiday.  I won’t be updating this site until after Christmas, but you guys can still contact me via e-mail if you wish.  Also, if you have any good field reports or articles, be sure to send them to me.  If I like them, I’ll post them here.

Happy Hollidays!

Thundercat

My Secret Identity — The Dichotomy of a PUA

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/24/03

Growing up, I used to collect comic books.  I was pretty hard core about it too.  I started when I lived in Germany and it was the only American thing my family had available for kids, and its a trend I continued until high school.  I eventually stopped because I was spending upwards of $200 a week on comic books.  Seriously, I was addicted.  All the money I had went to owning that shit.  My parents had to orchestrate an intervention to break me of this habit.  I probably have a good $3,000 worth of comics packed away in our basement somewhere.

The funny thing is, the heroes in those comics always had a secret identity.  You could break it down to who they really were, and their super-hero persona.  In fact, many stories often dealt with how these heroes would cope with their secret identities and who, in fact, they really were.  I find it a very similar parallel to where I currently am in my life and my development as a Pick-Up Artist.

There are situations I’ve been in since I’ve been home where I’ve found myself wanting to sarge a girl, but in a way I feel like I either can’t or shouldn’t do it because I’m with my family.  The problem with family is that much of the time, they will not understand why you are doing what you are doing.  At least for me, who comes from a fairly conservative, catholic family, my parents would at the very least be puzzled and at the very worst, shocked, at what I was up to most of the time.  Not only that, but my younger brothers (who’ve never had the problems getting women that I’ve had to face) would be very judgmental about it.  In a way, if I revealed to them this aspect of my life, I’d be putting myself at a disadvantage because I’d be opening myself up to judgment by my family.

Obviously, what they think of me doesn’t really matter.  However, it would affect the interactions I’d have with them in the future, especially if they think I’m not very good at this whole “pick-up” thing.  The best time to reveal this aspect of my life would obviously be with a beautiful fiancee on my arm, but I don’t expect that to happen for a very loooooong time, if ever.

So up to that point, I’m stuck living a double life when it comes to my family and AFC friends.  This community is a saving grace in a way, because I now have a network of guys who I can not only talk about this stuff with, but also who understand where I am coming from.  Its a valuable asset, and one I’m quite grateful for.

I know a lot of guys like Papa and Swinggcat are very open with their families about what they do, but I just don’t feel comfortable telling my mom that I’ve devoted a great deal of my life to learning how to get laid by any girl I want, including 3-somes and strippers and any other variety of girl.  She’d have a fit.  This is the same woman who forbade me to date until I was 16.  Can you imagine letting it slip that I’ve frolicked through Vegas with a group of strippers trying to score some drugs so we could party down in my hotel room?  Yikes.

I’m interested in how people handle this.  I know that if you’re congruent with it, it doesn’t matter, but there’s still that nagging reservation about revealing my secret identity to others.  Its a rather sticky wicket, if you ask me.

Until that time, I guess I’ll just stay locked in the nearest phone booth.

Thundercat

D.C. Folley — What NOT To Do While Sarging

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/24/03

Okay, now I remember why I hate D.C.  Its not just the fact that I don’t have a car, or the fact that my parents plan my days for me like I’m a fuckin’ first grader, rather, it’s that it is very hard to sarge here.

D.C. has some of the worst traffic in the world, I swear to god.  I get to places FASTER in LA, and the traffic there is terrible too.  But at least we got 5 LANES of terrible traffic as opposed to 2 or often times 1, in D.C.’s case.  I tell you, I must be spoiled, because the quality of women in this town isn’t exactly what I’d call “prime.”  Of course, I am used to LA quality chicks, which are usually the best and hottest from all over the world.  But even I expected better women in D.C.  There was a post on the D.C. list a while back discussing whether there were any pretty women in this town, and I gotta say, I’m inclined to say NO! (If there are good ones here, they must be hiding).  Now I see why ol’ Bill went for Monica.  On the D.C. scale, that bitch is a fuckin’ 10.

So I wake up at 3:00 in the fuckin’ afternoon out here.  Keep in mind, my schedule is still on LA time, which is 3 hours early, so it’d be a ripe old noon in my home town.  However, I wanted to go out Christmas shopping today, so it was necessary to wake up early and beat the crowd.  I ask my dad to wake me up so I can get ready and have enough time to shop.  Of course, my dad’s idea of waking people up is flipping the light switch on and off.  He tried to wake me up twice with this tactic, however MY EYES WERE FUCKING SHUT! So of course, I was oblivious to the wake-up call.

Anyway, I get up and get ready to go out, so by the time I’m set, its time to go to dinner.  My family has a tradition about going out to eat on the 23rd of every December, so we go to a Steakhouse.  While there, the ONLY woman other than my mother is some warpig waitress that the drunken Mexican landscapers that descended upon this establishment are going after like she’s the only woman they’ve seen since jumping out of the van.  Of course, she’s loving it, but I’m forced to sit and talk to my family for lack of better targets (I’m still trying to come up with a decent system for restaurant sarging.  If anyone has any good tactics, please post them here).

After dinner, me and my brothers go out to the Pentagon City Mall to do our typical last minute shopping.  While there, we spilt up and go our separate ways, which is great because I finally get the chance to do some sarging.  However, its not meant to be.

About 80% of the women I run into are either fat, black, or a combination of the two.  Now, I have nothing against black chicks, but I just don’t go for them.  Same with fat chicks.  The women I do find that are worth sarging are of an average age of 15.  FIFTEEN!!!!  I feel like the biggest fucking perv in the world after I open a girl and her mother comes up to remind her that she can’t choose too many presents because she’s getting a car for her 16th birthday.

So I go about my shopping feeling like a dirty old man at the ripe ol’ age of 25.  It reminds me of why I prefer bars and clubs, at least there you know you’re in the ballpark.  And I start thinking about what I’d do if I WAS successful and picking a girl up.  My little brother drove me here.  I’m staying at my parent’s house.  I have no money.  The whole situation just does not bode well.

So I spend about $300 on gifts and go home pissed that its another night of my vacation wasted.  I was also informed that we’re visiting my grandparents for three days after Christmas, and even though it will be nice to see them, I am screaming on the inside because of the simple fact I am in LIMBO LAND!  Sure, there’s not stress or worries, but there is also no fun either.  Ugg!

I better get some good gifts this year, or I might end up killing somebody.

Thundercat

Thundercat’s Weekend Sucks the Nutty

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/22/03

Okay, so I’m home for the holidays, spending my time with my parents and two younger brothers.  All I can say is that this sucks.  Yes, I love my family, but I live in LA and they all live in DC, so they have their friends and hang-outs and whatnot, and in the meantime, I’m stuck at home holding my dick.  I don’t even have my own car.  Bummers.

So what did old Thundercat do this weekend?  Answer:  Nothing.  I slept, ate some home-cooked meals, and watched a lot of Lord of the Rings (Yes, I went back to the theater to see Return of the King again, it still rocked.  I spent the rest of the time watching the other two mega-super-special edition DVDs on my dad’s 36″ HD television.  Who needs sex with a set-up like that?  Not my dad, I guess.  Ewww).

I’m hoping to hook-up with some of the DC bro’s that are out here so I have the opportunity to dust off some of these PUA skills I’ve spent the last couple years developing.  I’ve tried contacting a few, but they aren’t exactly the “friendliest” bunch of guys, at least when it comes to returning emails.  Maybe if I lied and said I was TD, they’d start sucking my dick, lol.  (no offense, fellas =)

Also, with the terror alerts, things around here are a bit tense.  Maybe things will work out and I’ll find some girls who aren’t afraid of being anthraxed or something.  I should start hanging out with my youngest brother some more.  He’s one of those jocks with the brain the size of a pea who all the girls seem to love.  It might be a bit odd, hitting on chicks his age, but who gives a shit?  I’m horny NOW!

Will update as much as I can.  Things are slow right now.  I plan on going shopping tomorrow, so I might have a few targets of opportunity to report on.

Later,

Thundercat

The Ellyn Drama Continues…

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/20/03

First off, before I get to the latest developments, I’d like to thank everyone who posted a reply on the “Dear Lord, What Have I Done?” thread concerning Ellyn, the overweight, brain-damaged, diseased ex-cokehead stripper who wants to ride my rodney with her wart-infested poon.  I got into DC today, and my mind couldn’t help but wonder about her.  As bad as I make the poor girl sound, she isn’t really all that nasty.  In fact, she does have a sweet side, and she’s had a tough life to top it off.  Of course, that’s no excuse for her current state, but I can’t help but feel more than a little sorry for her.

Especially after I get this email today:

Subject Name:  Hey Sexy

hey there you.  i am so excited to hear that you are coming to this side of the country.  i have missed seeing you and talking to you.  i know that you will only be in for two weeks and you stated that you will honor with a visit… that’s awesome!!!!  i was looking at the calendar trying to decide what would be a good day for you to come up and hoping that the same day would be alright for you aswell.  i came up with saturday the 27th into the 28th or sunday the 28th into the 29th.  or if you wanted to come sooner that would be alright too.  i am going to go ahead and give you the directions that you will need to get here:

She then proceeds to give me the most detailed directions I’ve ever gotten from anyone in my life all littered with enough cute-ass smiley-faces to make you sick.

I like how I told her I *MIGHT* visit her while I’m out, and she’s already taking the frame that its a done deal.  Ellyn was always very good at taking a strong frame, its one of the things that makes her so volitile — usually because the frames she too were exactly the opposite of what others wanted (a clear drama queen tactic).  I’m wondering if it is possible to see her again and avoid the sex.  I mean, for all I know she could have gone from a somewhat cute girl into a complete warpig.

Regardless, this is a girl who does not have much happiness in her life, and it would mean a lot to her for me to go out and see her.  I’m conflicted as to what to do.  I still hold a place in my heart for this girl, more from pity than anything else.  Its sort-of the same situation I’m struggling with in the “Power of the Dark Side” post.  I honestly don’t know if I’m going to see her or not.

I’ll keep you updated.

Thundercat

Fuck Bin Ladin

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/20/03

Fuck Bin Ladin.  Fuck him up his stupid ass.

He is the reason why my day was so terrible.  I swear to God.

So I head off to the airport two hours early to catch my flight to Washington DC which departs at 1:10 pm for two weeks of family torture — er, I mean, FUN!  I figure two hours would be plenty of time for me to check in and get a bite to eat before the five hour trek across the country at 20,000 feet.  And I was right, two hours was enough time… BARELY!

I got to LAX and the place was fuckin’ PACKED!  I’m talking filled to the brim with people here.  Imagine what it would be like if John and George were resurrected and the Beatles were throwing a reunion concert, and you’ll get an idea of how crowded this fucking place was.

So I muddle through the sea of people and get to the United terminal to check in.  They’ve got something like 50 terminals open, and all of them are backed up.  The thing is, they’ve substituted the old fashioned check-in for the new automated “self check-in” process so they could speed up the time it takes to get people to the terminal.  Now, I’ve used the self check-in before, and its quite painless.  But you’d think they were asking most people to perform triple by-pass surgery on the Pope to get them to use these things.

So I wait in line to check in, and this old guy in front of me is getting all flustered at the terminal because it seems he is unable to grasp the technology of “sliding your credit card.”  He has to hail down a United rep to walk him through a process designed for kindergartners.  Then, a bunch of acne-ridden teenie boppers start cutting in line and pissing people off.  On top of that, you got a couple yahoos checking in baggage and blocking the terminals, which just backs the line up even further and pisses more people off.

So I get checked in, and they send me to this security checkpoint to drop off my bag so it can be searched before it gets on the plane.  I’m standing in this line for 40 MINUTES!  Not only that, but I’m sandwitched between the annoying teenie boppers and a guy with three of the skankiest girls I’ve ever seen in my life hanging off him (I wanted to introduce them to the word “shower,” but I felt I might be overstepping my bounds).  Therefore, I continue to wait, watching the OTHER security checkpoint line move through at warp speed as I’m stuck grinding my teeth to the nub.  Then I get up to the head of the line.  A guard comes up to me and looks at my bag.  “Is that it?” he asks.  “Yep.” I reply.  “Move along,” he says.  So I’m off to the next checkpoint.  Mind you, this took TWO SECONDS.  I began to wonder how many bombs the people in front of me were carrying for our line to take 40 FUCKING MINUTES to get through.

So I’m waved to the next security checkpoint and wait in another line.  Only this isn’t the line for the next security checkpoint.  Its the line to GET to the line for the next security checkpoint.  I pass that and go to the REAL line which is where they x-ray your bags and you go through a metal detector.  I’m stuck in this thing and amuse myself by looking at any HB I can find to pass the time (I didn’t see many, and the ones I did were too far away to sarge).  So I finally get to the X-Ray and pass the metal detector, making my way into the terminal.

By this point, I have a half hour before my flight leaves.  I’m hungry as hell because I didn’t have time to eat that morning, so I wanted to go to Wolfgang Puck’s to have a nice meal before I’m subjected to what passes for airline food these days, only there is no time, so I opt for McDonalds.  Of course, this ends up being bizzaro McDonalds because its neither cheap NOR fast.  I end up waiting 15 minutes for a Big Mac that cost me $10.

So I head to my gate with the most expensive Big Mac on the planet and start scarfing my food down.  I strike up a conversation with a guy next to me as I do so.  He’s wearing full army dessert fatigues, so I ask him where he’s headed.  He says he’s on his way to Iraq.  It turns out this dude has been on 2 weeks leave and was in the war from the beginning.  He was there when the troops invaded from Kuait, he was there when they took Bagdad, and he was there when they fought ambushes at Tekrit.  Suddenly, this guy who can’t be a year or two older than me is telling me more war stories than my grandfather, and I can’t help but be in awe and scared at the same time.

Now, I’ll be the first to admit I’m a lover, not a fighter.  I don’t want to fight anybody and I certainly never want to have to take another human life.  But I look at guys like the dude I was talking to at the gate, and I am so proud to live in a country where there are men who are brave enough to step up to the plate and fight with the very real possibility of dying to protect pussies like me.  I’ve got friends over in Iraq, and I’m afraid they may not come back.  I have friends who are going to be GOING to Iraq, and I’m afraid for them as well.  But I am so thankful this country has guys like them, because its their sacrifice that allows me to go out and try and pick-up chicks every night.  So I look at this army guy who looks to be around my age but carries the weight of his experience around with him like he were 100 years old, and I ask myself what kind of a world we live in when guys my age are war veterans, it takes 2 hours to get through and airport, and Big Macs cost $10?

All I can say is that I blame it on Bin Ladin.

If what they say is true and there is a paradise with 70 virgins waiting for the next guy to blow up his shoe to arrive, I hope to one day do my part and use my skills to sarge every last one of those chicks, so Habeeb McBoom-Boom gets nothing but sloppy seconds when he shows up.  And if there really is an Allah, he’ll give all the girls genital warts.  And if he’s a REALLY just God, he’ll make them slightly overweight and brain damaged to boot.  That way, the next camel-fucker who pulls a bomb out of his ass can really get what’s coming to him.

/end rant

Thundercat

You Like Me! You Really Like Me!

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/20/03

Wow, so I get into DC and check the blog, and find that there are actually people responding to my rants!  This is great.  I really appreciate the feedback.  It warms the cuckholds (whatever those are) of my cold, black heart to see people taking an interest and giving me constructive feedback on my various escapades.  Hopefully this will only grow, not JUST because I am a needy attention whore, but… well, come to think of it, that’s really the only reason.  lol!

Keep the replies comin’ guys.  It helps motivate me to update knowing that there are some people out there with enough free time to actually read this shit.

Thundercat

Lord of the Cock Rings

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/19/03
**Image removed

Okay, my ass is officially kicked.

I just got back from seeing “Return of the King” and had to change my pants because the insides were covered with copious amounts of jizz from all the orgasms I had while watching this movie.  My GOD!!!  This was amazing cinema!  I’m sad that the trilogy is over, but at the same time I am jazzed at seeing such an incredible flick with lots of great action, an epic scope, and real emotion.  The ending was bittersweet, but in a way I don’t think it could have ended any differently.

I’ll be seeing this movie probably 5 more times in the theaters.  That’s saying a lot, because the damn thing is 3 1/2 hours long.  Just be sure to bring a pee bottle with you when you go, so you won’t miss a second.  And I definitely wouldn’t take a chick to this thing on a date.  Sure its a good movie, but by the time its over you are all worn out.

This reminds me of a topic I want to cover about venue changes.  Remind me to talk about that later on next week, because there’s some interesting stuff to talk about there.

THUMBS UP!!!!!

Thundercat

Dear Lord, What Have I Done?

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/18/03
**Image removed

Ugh.  God damn, have I fucked up.  I’ve fucked up big time.  I can’t believe how big I’ve fucked up.  In the history of fuck-ups, this is the biggest fuck-up to ever fuck.  And I am being completely serious here.

What am I talking about you ask?

Well, it all comes down to a girl (doesn’t it always?).  A girl that I swore I’d never talk to again.  A girl who’s been a cause of much joy and dismay in my life.  A girl who I shall refer to as:  Ellyn.

Now, I met Ellyn while I was in college.  A buddy of mine who had graduated was living in a town about an hour outside of campus, so one weekend I went out to visit him.  When I got there, Ellyn was in his apartment wearing low-hugging jeans and a Playboy tanktop, vacuuming his apartment.  She was a cute girl, with Bugs-Bunny like buck teeth and just the right amount of trailer park in her to make her hot (at least by mid-west standards).

This was back when I was in AFC mode, mind you.  I don’t know what I did, but for some reason, Ellyn took a liking to me.  Looking back on it, I remember being quite ambivalent to her, and more than a little derisive — as in not taking any of her shit.  She just wasn’t hot enough in my book to warrant being too nice.

Top that off with the fact that she was a former stripper, single mom, and a cokehead, and you got yourself a winner!  But for some reason, no matter what I did, she just seemed to fall for me even more.  We ended up cuddling on my buddy’s couch while watching Perversions 5, a porno I had picked up for the trip.  Romantic, I know =)

Anyways, whenever I’d come back to visit my friend, she’d be sure to show up.  One time she brought her kid along and I ended up playing with the little fucker, so I guess she thought she’d found the perfect man.  But knowing a train wreck when I see one, I decided to stay away from this catch regardless of the boner she was able to give me.

As things go, Ellyn ended up getting in a car accident.  Well, not “accident” per say.  She jumped out of a moving van while coked out of her mind and ended up getting her head run over.

Yes.  Her head.

Anyway, this being the 3rd (count ‘em.  3rd.) near death experience for poor Ellyn, she was miraculously able to survive and was rushed to the hospital, where she lay in a coma for upwards of 4 months with a broken jaw and brain damage.  I heard the news and wished I had taken the opportunity to hit that before this unfortunate accident (no strings you know?) but also felt sorry for her and her kid.

So time passes, and suddenly, I get a call from my buddy.  He informs me that right before they were set to pull Ellyn off life support, she came out of the coma.  Not only that, but she suffered from amnesia.  She knew who she was and all that, but didn’t remember her family, friends, or even her kid.

She did, however, remember me.

Now, this is somewhat flattering news.  For some reason, I was the one guy in her life worth remembering.  My ego at the time was fragile enough to melt at this fact, as crazy as it sounds.  So my buddy asked if it was okay to give Ellyn my number.  After this kind of news, I could hardly refuse.

So Ellyn starts calling me and we have a long distance relationship over the phone.  She tells me she is healing up, the brain damage is not so bad, and that she wants to see me.  So I decide “What the fuck?  I’ll give her a treat.”  So I travel down to her mom’s house where she’s living and meet up with her.  I’m surprised to see that other than a scar on her neck, she looks EXACTLY the same as she did before.  I was expecting the fucking Mask when I appeared, but this wasn’t so bad.  She still had the cute Bugs Bunny smile and blonde hair which I’m a sucker for.  She did gain a bit of weight at the hospital, but nothing too bad.

So I do what any normal, healthy, college male would do with a chick who’s totally into him.  I took her out for a nice dinner and got her shit-faced drunk.  We end up going at it in the back seat of my car outside of Denny’s at 3 in the morning.  No intercourse for some reason (which I’ll discover later), but I had fun regardless.

So the next couple months we are sort-of “seeing” each other.  But it gets to the point where I can’t fucking stand this girl.  See, the thing about Ellyn is that she is the quintessential DRAMA QUEEN!  She needs drama in her life, and if it isn’t there, she will create it.  Not only that, but the girl was so emotionally fucked up, that she needed guys to get angry with her to get sexually aroused (conditioning, anyone?).  However, I was a nice guy who didn’t really give a shit about her, so I never fell for her tricks to bait me into anger, though I probably could have had a lot more sex if I had.

I learned a lot from Ellyn, mostly about women and drama.  It’s fascinating to me to look back and analyze the adventures and fights we had together.  But the fact of the matter is the girl is annoying as SHIT and I couldn’t put up with her, but I was too nice to just dump this poor girl.  After all, I was the only thing she remembered after GETTING HER HEAD RUN OVER!

So I break it off gently, remain friends, and move out to California.  She’d call me occasionally to tell me she got engaged (ended in divorce, of course).  Then she starts emailing me all the time.  Finally, I can’t take it anymore, and I send her this email in response to one she sent me:

Hey brat,

>how are you doing?  me?

How am I doing you???  OMG, that’s so forward.  I mean, who’s face you picture when you masterbate is your own business, but if you want to fantasize about it, I guess I could be doing you doggie style.  I’m flexible like that.

>how is work going for you?

I dunno.  It sure is a lot of work doing you doggie style.  I got lots of stamina, but you are totally wearing me out.  Where’s my viagra?

>guess what?  next week i am going to arizona.

Arizona is cool.  Beware the rattlesnakes.

>my aunt is in this week from arizona along with my grandparents from XXXX, and then next week i am going to my aunt’s house in XXXX.  i am so excited.  i can’t wait.

Yes, it does a body good to get away from the East Coast.

>my aunt, my mom, my brother and i went to karaoke last nigt and i had a ball.

So what sounded like a cat dying a slow painful death was really just you singing?  Man, you better just stick to doggie style, its what you’re good at.

>they wouldn’t let me drink because the doctors said that i am not suppose to but i still had a blast.

You drink like a fish, and much more fun drunk than sober.  What do doctors know anyway?

>it was probably the most fun i have ever had sober…

Except that time you banged those four midgets in the back of that truck.  I still have the video.  =P

>this week i am in XXXXXXX until saturday (that is when i go home to XXXXXXX) and then on tuesday i leave for arizona.

Yay!  Hope your plane doesn’t crash in a fireball of molten steel.

>my aunt said that she would take me to mexico and possibly california.

South of the boarder, eh?  She’s not going to turn you into a mule and make you smuggle drugs across the boarder is she?  I hear you have to shove those things up your ass to get them past customs.  How many of those can you fit up your butt?  Better start practicing.

>she also said that she is going to take me to this prison (knowing that i used to be a correctional officer)

Only if you get caught with the drugs up the butt.  Try not eating any ruffage so you don’t have to poo.  Then she’s got nothing on you and you can totally stay out of jail.

>because it is one of the oldest prisons in the country.  i can’t wait.

I hear prison changes a man.  But since you’re a woman, I guess that doesn’t matter.  Women in prison have it easy, they just have lots of sex and walk around naked.  At least that’s what Cinemax tells me, and TV wouldn’t lie… would it???

>with your work, do you get out much?

Every night.

>have you met a good many friends or acquaitances?

Tons.

>have you talked to XXX or XXXXXXX?  how are they?

Yes.  Both are doing very good.

>i really do hope that life is treating to grand.

Only when I’m doing it doggie style.

>i really hope to hear from you soon.

Was this soon enough?

>well i will talk to you soon.

I don’t wanna talk to you until you break your sex addiction.  You really have to stop fantasizing about me like that.  I’m more than just a sausage with feet, okay?  I’m a human being and I don’t appreciate being objectified as a sex object, so you better quit that right now, missy!  Don’t make me get a restraining order, now.  =)

luv & kisses

Thundercat

Okay, obviously I was being a dick.  In fact, I was doing so many things in that email to berate her and play on her insecurities, I was positive that it would be the last I would ever hear from this crazy, fucked up girl again!

And it was!

At least until tonight.  I was going to call a friend and I hit the wrong number in my address book on my phone and guess who I call?

Ellyn.

She picks up the phone and knows it’s me because of her caller ID.  She is so fucking excited to hear from me, it’s heartbreaking.  She’s even telling her mom I’ve finally called.  I, of course, am shocked that I actually hit her number our of all the ones in my fucking phone.  She picks up on this and asks if I meant to call her, to which I lie through my teeth.

“Oh, uh, yeah baby.  I want to call to tell you… uh, I’d be in DC for Christmas.”

It was the only thing I could think to say, and I knew instantly it was a mistake (mostly because it was the truth).  Ellyn is in Maryland, and its close enough to drive to.  So she starts getting all hopped up, telling me she’s been really good and not doing any drugs or alcohol.  Her divorce to her second husband is final, and the court had taken away her kid in favor of his father so she doesn’t have any of the matriarchal duties she had before.  Not only that, but she’s going back to school to learn, of all things, LABOTOMY.  I’m not joking.

So I tease her about being a brain surgeon with brain damage, and she says that it’s only one class a semester so it should be easy.  I remind her it’s a course on LABOTOMY, but it doesn’t compute.  Oh well.

So she brings up the e-mail and I tell her I was just fucking with her.  Then she says:

Her:  So you’ll be in DC?
Me:  Yeah.
Her:  Would you like to see me?  I’d really like to see you.
Me:  Maybe.
Her:  I’ll pay for the hotel room.

So what she just said sinks in, and the governor (I call him the “governor”) stands at attention.  An open invite for sex!  What boner can resist?  Even if it is from a crazy girl from my college days, it is inviting.  Though she has informed me that she’s around 180 lbs now but it doesn’t look like she weighs that much.  Oh, and she has genital warts (hence the constant LMR in our relationship).

Still, the invite is appealing.  I’ll have to do a bit or research on Genital Warts, but this fat, brain damaged, ex-stripper could totally, totally be mine.  And knowing what I know now, I could get her to do anything I want.

Anything.

But I am a bit conflicted.  I know that I do not love or even respect this girl very much, which is probably the reason she finds me so attractive.  But it would be nice to go home for Christmas with some guaranteed poon waiting, even if it is a bit diseased.

What do you guys think?

Thundercat

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