Dear Lord, What Have I Done?

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/18/03
**Image removed

Ugh.  God damn, have I fucked up.  I’ve fucked up big time.  I can’t believe how big I’ve fucked up.  In the history of fuck-ups, this is the biggest fuck-up to ever fuck.  And I am being completely serious here.

What am I talking about you ask?

Well, it all comes down to a girl (doesn’t it always?).  A girl that I swore I’d never talk to again.  A girl who’s been a cause of much joy and dismay in my life.  A girl who I shall refer to as:  Ellyn.

Now, I met Ellyn while I was in college.  A buddy of mine who had graduated was living in a town about an hour outside of campus, so one weekend I went out to visit him.  When I got there, Ellyn was in his apartment wearing low-hugging jeans and a Playboy tanktop, vacuuming his apartment.  She was a cute girl, with Bugs-Bunny like buck teeth and just the right amount of trailer park in her to make her hot (at least by mid-west standards).

This was back when I was in AFC mode, mind you.  I don’t know what I did, but for some reason, Ellyn took a liking to me.  Looking back on it, I remember being quite ambivalent to her, and more than a little derisive — as in not taking any of her shit.  She just wasn’t hot enough in my book to warrant being too nice.

Top that off with the fact that she was a former stripper, single mom, and a cokehead, and you got yourself a winner!  But for some reason, no matter what I did, she just seemed to fall for me even more.  We ended up cuddling on my buddy’s couch while watching Perversions 5, a porno I had picked up for the trip.  Romantic, I know =)

Anyways, whenever I’d come back to visit my friend, she’d be sure to show up.  One time she brought her kid along and I ended up playing with the little fucker, so I guess she thought she’d found the perfect man.  But knowing a train wreck when I see one, I decided to stay away from this catch regardless of the boner she was able to give me.

As things go, Ellyn ended up getting in a car accident.  Well, not “accident” per say.  She jumped out of a moving van while coked out of her mind and ended up getting her head run over.

Yes.  Her head.

Anyway, this being the 3rd (count ‘em.  3rd.) near death experience for poor Ellyn, she was miraculously able to survive and was rushed to the hospital, where she lay in a coma for upwards of 4 months with a broken jaw and brain damage.  I heard the news and wished I had taken the opportunity to hit that before this unfortunate accident (no strings you know?) but also felt sorry for her and her kid.

So time passes, and suddenly, I get a call from my buddy.  He informs me that right before they were set to pull Ellyn off life support, she came out of the coma.  Not only that, but she suffered from amnesia.  She knew who she was and all that, but didn’t remember her family, friends, or even her kid.

She did, however, remember me.

Now, this is somewhat flattering news.  For some reason, I was the one guy in her life worth remembering.  My ego at the time was fragile enough to melt at this fact, as crazy as it sounds.  So my buddy asked if it was okay to give Ellyn my number.  After this kind of news, I could hardly refuse.

So Ellyn starts calling me and we have a long distance relationship over the phone.  She tells me she is healing up, the brain damage is not so bad, and that she wants to see me.  So I decide “What the fuck?  I’ll give her a treat.”  So I travel down to her mom’s house where she’s living and meet up with her.  I’m surprised to see that other than a scar on her neck, she looks EXACTLY the same as she did before.  I was expecting the fucking Mask when I appeared, but this wasn’t so bad.  She still had the cute Bugs Bunny smile and blonde hair which I’m a sucker for.  She did gain a bit of weight at the hospital, but nothing too bad.

So I do what any normal, healthy, college male would do with a chick who’s totally into him.  I took her out for a nice dinner and got her shit-faced drunk.  We end up going at it in the back seat of my car outside of Denny’s at 3 in the morning.  No intercourse for some reason (which I’ll discover later), but I had fun regardless.

So the next couple months we are sort-of “seeing” each other.  But it gets to the point where I can’t fucking stand this girl.  See, the thing about Ellyn is that she is the quintessential DRAMA QUEEN!  She needs drama in her life, and if it isn’t there, she will create it.  Not only that, but the girl was so emotionally fucked up, that she needed guys to get angry with her to get sexually aroused (conditioning, anyone?).  However, I was a nice guy who didn’t really give a shit about her, so I never fell for her tricks to bait me into anger, though I probably could have had a lot more sex if I had.

I learned a lot from Ellyn, mostly about women and drama.  It’s fascinating to me to look back and analyze the adventures and fights we had together.  But the fact of the matter is the girl is annoying as SHIT and I couldn’t put up with her, but I was too nice to just dump this poor girl.  After all, I was the only thing she remembered after GETTING HER HEAD RUN OVER!

So I break it off gently, remain friends, and move out to California.  She’d call me occasionally to tell me she got engaged (ended in divorce, of course).  Then she starts emailing me all the time.  Finally, I can’t take it anymore, and I send her this email in response to one she sent me:

Hey brat,

>how are you doing?  me?

How am I doing you???  OMG, that’s so forward.  I mean, who’s face you picture when you masterbate is your own business, but if you want to fantasize about it, I guess I could be doing you doggie style.  I’m flexible like that.

>how is work going for you?

I dunno.  It sure is a lot of work doing you doggie style.  I got lots of stamina, but you are totally wearing me out.  Where’s my viagra?

>guess what?  next week i am going to arizona.

Arizona is cool.  Beware the rattlesnakes.

>my aunt is in this week from arizona along with my grandparents from XXXX, and then next week i am going to my aunt’s house in XXXX.  i am so excited.  i can’t wait.

Yes, it does a body good to get away from the East Coast.

>my aunt, my mom, my brother and i went to karaoke last nigt and i had a ball.

So what sounded like a cat dying a slow painful death was really just you singing?  Man, you better just stick to doggie style, its what you’re good at.

>they wouldn’t let me drink because the doctors said that i am not suppose to but i still had a blast.

You drink like a fish, and much more fun drunk than sober.  What do doctors know anyway?

>it was probably the most fun i have ever had sober…

Except that time you banged those four midgets in the back of that truck.  I still have the video.  =P

>this week i am in XXXXXXX until saturday (that is when i go home to XXXXXXX) and then on tuesday i leave for arizona.

Yay!  Hope your plane doesn’t crash in a fireball of molten steel.

>my aunt said that she would take me to mexico and possibly california.

South of the boarder, eh?  She’s not going to turn you into a mule and make you smuggle drugs across the boarder is she?  I hear you have to shove those things up your ass to get them past customs.  How many of those can you fit up your butt?  Better start practicing.

>she also said that she is going to take me to this prison (knowing that i used to be a correctional officer)

Only if you get caught with the drugs up the butt.  Try not eating any ruffage so you don’t have to poo.  Then she’s got nothing on you and you can totally stay out of jail.

>because it is one of the oldest prisons in the country.  i can’t wait.

I hear prison changes a man.  But since you’re a woman, I guess that doesn’t matter.  Women in prison have it easy, they just have lots of sex and walk around naked.  At least that’s what Cinemax tells me, and TV wouldn’t lie… would it???

>with your work, do you get out much?

Every night.

>have you met a good many friends or acquaitances?

Tons.

>have you talked to XXX or XXXXXXX?  how are they?

Yes.  Both are doing very good.

>i really do hope that life is treating to grand.

Only when I’m doing it doggie style.

>i really hope to hear from you soon.

Was this soon enough?

>well i will talk to you soon.

I don’t wanna talk to you until you break your sex addiction.  You really have to stop fantasizing about me like that.  I’m more than just a sausage with feet, okay?  I’m a human being and I don’t appreciate being objectified as a sex object, so you better quit that right now, missy!  Don’t make me get a restraining order, now.  =)

luv & kisses

Thundercat

Okay, obviously I was being a dick.  In fact, I was doing so many things in that email to berate her and play on her insecurities, I was positive that it would be the last I would ever hear from this crazy, fucked up girl again!

And it was!

At least until tonight.  I was going to call a friend and I hit the wrong number in my address book on my phone and guess who I call?

Ellyn.

She picks up the phone and knows it’s me because of her caller ID.  She is so fucking excited to hear from me, it’s heartbreaking.  She’s even telling her mom I’ve finally called.  I, of course, am shocked that I actually hit her number our of all the ones in my fucking phone.  She picks up on this and asks if I meant to call her, to which I lie through my teeth.

“Oh, uh, yeah baby.  I want to call to tell you… uh, I’d be in DC for Christmas.”

It was the only thing I could think to say, and I knew instantly it was a mistake (mostly because it was the truth).  Ellyn is in Maryland, and its close enough to drive to.  So she starts getting all hopped up, telling me she’s been really good and not doing any drugs or alcohol.  Her divorce to her second husband is final, and the court had taken away her kid in favor of his father so she doesn’t have any of the matriarchal duties she had before.  Not only that, but she’s going back to school to learn, of all things, LABOTOMY.  I’m not joking.

So I tease her about being a brain surgeon with brain damage, and she says that it’s only one class a semester so it should be easy.  I remind her it’s a course on LABOTOMY, but it doesn’t compute.  Oh well.

So she brings up the e-mail and I tell her I was just fucking with her.  Then she says:

Her:  So you’ll be in DC?
Me:  Yeah.
Her:  Would you like to see me?  I’d really like to see you.
Me:  Maybe.
Her:  I’ll pay for the hotel room.

So what she just said sinks in, and the governor (I call him the “governor”) stands at attention.  An open invite for sex!  What boner can resist?  Even if it is from a crazy girl from my college days, it is inviting.  Though she has informed me that she’s around 180 lbs now but it doesn’t look like she weighs that much.  Oh, and she has genital warts (hence the constant LMR in our relationship).

Still, the invite is appealing.  I’ll have to do a bit or research on Genital Warts, but this fat, brain damaged, ex-stripper could totally, totally be mine.  And knowing what I know now, I could get her to do anything I want.

Anything.

But I am a bit conflicted.  I know that I do not love or even respect this girl very much, which is probably the reason she finds me so attractive.  But it would be nice to go home for Christmas with some guaranteed poon waiting, even if it is a bit diseased.

What do you guys think?

Thundercat