The Pick Up Artist 2, Ep. 2 Recap: I Like Pickle-Juice

October 24, 2008 by  
Filed under Rants & Reviews

Warning:  This Recap Contains Spoilers!

Hey there boys and girls, its time for yet another fun-filled recap of VH1′s The Pick Up Artist!  So dust off your over-sized goggles and put on your sleeveless fur-lined vests, its time to waste yet another hour of your life watching geeks embarrass themselves and strike out with chicks.

We start the episode with the remaining contestants in shocked disbelief that Fat Gay Alex got his ample posterior kicked off the show.  Apparently, none of the guys have actually SEEN the first season, and know that people get eliminated from the mansion – especially if they are:  fat, gay, old, or a race other than white.

Matt Powers is so upset, he says “Its going to be hard to sleep tonight.”  Funny, I thought it’d be hard to sleep with Fat Gay Alex prowling around the bunkbeds in the dark, looking for unsuspecting nerds to molest.  But what do I know?

The next day, the group is whisked away to a “secret location” (which looks disturbingly like a low-rent porno store in the Valley).  They’re at a mysterious “Italian Club,” with Mystery, Matador, and Tara waiting out front, along with a mysterious looking doorman.

Simeon starts salivating, saying he thinks they’ve been whisked away to a STRIP CLUB, and then starts masturbating furiously.  Little does he know that no stripper would be up in the daytime to hang out with a bunch of geeks with no money – but hey, let the guy dream.

Mystery is looking to start helping the guys build their confidence when talking to women.  So for their first reward challenge (i.e. the challenge where you get Tara to do something demeaning afterward) the guys get to spend quality time with some “quality ladies.”

Hmmmm.  In the first season, a line like that was followed by storytime with a class full of first-grade girls.  I’m thinking this year they may have put a twist on it and gone with geriatrics.  Will I be proven correct?

Asian Brian is hoping to meet some strippers, club girls, or FREAKS.  Either way, he’s so excited his afro starts steaming.

So the challenge is to approach some women and have a conversation.  Simple, right? The guy who makes the best impression wins a “secret accessory” from Mystery’s private collection, and a special tutoring session on how to use it.  Though, I’m sure most of these contestants already know how to use ruphies.

So it’s “game on” and the guys all rush in ready to meet some hot chicks to find… YES!  Geriatric women!  (Can I call them or what?)  Apparently when the Italian Club isn’t selling low-rent porno, it doubles as a bingo parlor for all the major GILFs in the area.

All the old ladies start cat-calling the fresh, young, supple man-meat that just walked in the door, and now the contestants look not only disappointed, but kind of sick to their stomachs.  This is VH1′s the Pick Up Artist!  Did they not expect this coming in?

Simeon, in particular, seems disappointed.  I guess his fantasy of eating the flesh of a stripper has to be put on hold for now.  Well, there’s always next episode, Simeon!

So the guys go to work and start joining the old ladies.  All of them seem to be doing well talking to the women about the most boring, inane shit imaginable.  Matt Power’s is in GILF heaven, since he seems to like to practice his GILFitude at his bubbies old-age home.  Yeah, baby, yeah.

Simeon’s strategy was to schmooze, compliment, and offer to to pay the old women for sexual favors.  Its obvious Simeon is well practiced in flirting with old women, because he does it well – acting as gay as humanly possible.  Hey, old women love gay guys, right?

Asian Kevin is even managing to bore old ladies, which HAS to be hard.  Sensing he’s floundering, Asian Kevin does what any guy would do – puts the burden on the women by asking them for “cool stories.”  Unfortunately, I’m sure all their stories have to do with the old woman’s husbands killing asian people in World War 2, so they do the right thing and keep their mouths shut.

Asian Brian seems to REALLY like the GILFs.  “Talking to these old women, its like they’re cougars!” He explains.  “Except they are like SABERTOOTH!”  Oh yeah, you can tell Simeon and AB are already planning to tag-team one of these old biddies, London Bridge style.  I mean, how could he NOT win them over with great pick up lines like “I love how you guys STINK.”  Smooth.

Finally, Mystery shows up to end the awkward pain I’m going through watching this trainwreck.  VH1 has put together a nice little bingo card with all the contestant’s faces on it, and he asks the ladies to vote for the contestant they liked the best by stamping their favorite with their bingo markers.

I’m going to bet Simeon was able to control his serial killer impulses well enough to win this one.  Let’s see…

And the winner is:  Matt Powers!  Yes, it seems all his practice with his bubby paid off!  Way to go seducing all those randy old Sabertooths, Matty-boy.

Matt Powers can’t wait to see what he gets for winning.  I hope he’s ready to be disappointed because I’ve seen Mystery’s accessories, and none of them are worth talking to 80 year old women for.

Back at Project Arizona, its time for the guy’s first “pick up lesson.”  Mystery starts laying down some knowledge on how to approach women and start conversations.  He lays down the typical indirect openers.  Simeon says “It was like being given the secrets to the universe!”  Yeah, if the universe is all about repeating lines that have been beaten to death in the clubs.

(Actually, if you ask me, these segments should be what the show is about instead of lame reward challenges.  This is where Mystery actually shines.  But I digress… back to VH1′s master plan to embarrass everyone even remotely associated with the network.)

After the pick up lesson, Mystery presents Matt Powers with his reward – A BAG!  Er, uh, what’s INSIDE a bag, rather.  Mystery will reveal what’s in the bag to Mr. Powers later on.

Now the guys divide up into groups so they can practice their openers.  Tara gets to share all her “female insights” with the guys so they know what a real, live girl wants in the club.  Mystery tries teaching his group about the NEG – something which I can’t wait to see Asian Brian use.  “An example of a neg,” he explains, “is Lay-DEE!  Stop EYE-FUCKING me!!!!”  Then AB shares his brand new “Pull My Finger” neg.  Oh yeah, this will be good.

It seems Matador has been snorting a bit too much cocaine lately, since he’s teaching the guys to go up to women and say “I like pickle-juice.”  I guess I was right before when I said Matador’s pick-up prowess drops when he’s not wearing his magical sleeveless raccoon fur vest.

Mystery FINALLY reveals his secret accessory to be:  a fuzzy boa.

Seriously?

Yes, seriously.

I don’t know what’s worse – the fact that a reward was a $3 fuzzy black boa, or the fact that Mystery needed to give a LESSON on how to use one.  Poor Matt Powers.  That’ll teach you to win a challenge.

Now its time for the guys to board Project Manhood and head off to their first field test.  They’re all nervous and frantically cramming for their big test.  Now, we get to flash back to Mystery is his candle-lit lounge and leopard print fur jacket as he narrates exactly the challenges his students will be facing tonight.

So the goal of tonight’s field test is to open sets and reach the hook point (you know, the point where the girl DOESN’T want to call the cops on you?).  I’m going to try and pay attention to the fact that Mystery is explaining the challenge, and not to the fact that Matador is wearing a skin-tight see-through red-mesh shirt.  Honestly, is there a store that sells gay indian cowboy clothes somewhere in Hollywood?  Where does he get this stuff???  When Matador starts dressing sluttier than Tara, something is very, very wrong.

In the club, VH1 reminds us that there are no actors.  Now it’s time to see grown men make asses of themselves!  (Which is what this show really comes down to in the end, isn’t it?)

The first one up is Matt Powers with his ultra-secret feather boa accessory!  (Shhhh!  Don’t tell nobody!)  The boa is doing its job, though.  Matt gets complimented on it right away.  He just doesn’t seem to know what to DO with those compliments!  Instead of locking the girl in like Mystery taught, Matt just stands there looking like a retard.  “What a waste of an accessory!” Mystery cries.  I believe I said the same thing when they announced J-Dog wouldn’t be back this season.

Matt finally gets a nibble when a girl runs up and approaches him.  Unfortunately, he loses her in a short few minutes when the drunk girl who accosted him starts accosting one of her female friends instead.  D’oh.  You nooze, you lose, Mr. Powers.

Now its time for Todd to strut his stuff.  He opens with no problem, just like he did the first time.  He’s smiling, he’s negging, he’s using false time constraints – yeah, my prediction that he’s going to be one of the finalist is looking pretty good now.

Caveman Greg is up.  Let’s see if his new look is going to help him out.  He goes into a set right away, but his stories are pretty bad.  (Hint:  Never talk about Andy Dick to a girl – EVER.  EveryAndy Dick Story in the universe is always distrubing.)  So after Greg is done talking about how he choked out Andy Dick until his face turned purple, the girl asks “What was the point of that story?”

“Ohhhhhhh SNAP!” exclaims Matador.  Well, I guess it could have been worse.  He could have told her he liked pickle-juice or something.

Now its time for Rian to show us what he’s got.  He’s doing the short set method, which looks like its working well for him.  Then he starts up with the Elvis opener.  It seems Rian is doing pretty well, and keeps approaching sets – but he keeps ejecting way too early.  However, he did much better than the first episode, which is saying a lot.

Its Simeon’s turn to enter the club and do his thang.  He comes in with “great energy,” as Mystery puts it, only to be told to “Shut the fuck up” by the first set he talks to.  I guess they recognized him from his sex offender mug shot on the internet or something.  Oh well, back to masturbating in your own feces on your houseboat, Simeon.

Tara is still in love with her favorite serial killer, though.  She keeps bitching out all the girls who can obviously tell Simeon is a creepy, creepy, creepy dude.  Oh well.

Now its Karl’s turn.  Can he do better than Simeon?  I’m willing to bet that as long as he doesn’t get knifed by some jive turkey, yeah, he’ll do better.  To Karl’s credit, he does approach, but you can tell he doesn’t have the confidence to hold the set’s interest.  The girls just ignore him, much like every other girl in the world.  Owch.  Karl now falls into a schizophrenic spiral as he begins frantically talking to himself.  Never a good sign.

Asian Brian is in da house next.  Please, God, let him use the “pull my finger” neg.  Tara tells AB to “work dat fro!”  I guess she’s moved on from Kung-Fu Master of the universe to “weird asian afro dude.”  AB opens sets, and not to disappoint me or America for that matter, actually used the “I LIKE PICKLE-JUICE” opener!  YES!  YES!  YES!  Matador is very proud of himself, and starts rubbing his nipples through his see-through red mesh shirt.

Asian Brian is actually doing well.  He’s being friendly, goofy, and non-threatening.  He even throws a Borat reference in his pick ups for good measure.  Cameron Teone would be proud.  I’d have to say this round goes to Asian SMOKIN’ BALLS Brian.

After the tsunami that was Asian Brian, we get Asian Kevin.  Will AK be able to outdo AB?  We shall see.  He doesn’t seem to evoke much confidence, claiming he threw up in his mouth before entering the club, but hey, that’s never stopped Matador, why should it stop AK?

Kevin barrels into set, and just doesn’t stop talking.  Not only does he not stop talking, he doesn’t stop swearing!  Asian Kevin is talking like a drunken sailor with tourettes syndrome.  He’s also completely ignoring the guys, who you can tell don’t like this foul-mouthed fruitcake cursing up their ladies.

Yes, that was painful.  Asian Kevin, my other choice for the finalist, did not do well.  His lack of social calibration is very painfully obvious.

That concludes the challenge, and all the students gather outside to meet back up with Mystery, Matador, and Tara.  Tara uses her catch phrase “Hey guys!” and Mystery starts praising the work the student’s have done.  He then he announces the winner:  Asian Brian!

Asian Brian is in such shock, he lets his mouth hang open for a few seconds.  Yes, that’s how shocked he is.  I guess liking pickle-juice pays off for some people.  Who knew?

As a reward for winning the challenge, AB gets to pick two guys as his wingmen to protect them from elimination.  Asian Brian will have a hard time picking who to protect, because according to AB:  “These guys are like my family.  They’re like a hair on my butt!”  Its nice to know Asian Brian has as high regard for his family as he does for his ass hairs.

The next day at Project Arizona, the politics of elimination begin.  Poor Asian Brian is having such a hard time, he has to interrupt his confessional by violently vomiting.  That’s what you get for liking pickle-juice so much, motherfucker.

After AB agonizes over his choices, it is time for the customarily over-dramatic elimination session.  Mystery is sporting his fuzzy top hat and eyeliner, so you know he means business!

The students file into the elimination room, and Mystery begins to lay down the rules.  He gives the PUA-Pendant speech, letting us know that each medallion symbolizes some crap about something that has nothing to do with pickle-juice or smoking balls.  (Ain’t that a shame?)

Tonight, they are awarding the white PUA pendant.  Mystery gives the first PUA Pendant to AB, and then asks him for his choices on who his wingmen will be.  AB chooses Caveman Greg and Todd.  Mystery lavishes praise on Todd, and shits all over Greg.  He then dismisses the three immune students.

Now it’s time to start eliminating fools.

Mystery starts hating on all the students that are left, pointing out everything they did wrong in the club.  Not that Mystery is out of line here, these guys did do pretty poorly.

The breakdown is thus:

  • Rian – left sets too early
  • Karl – Flipped out after getting rejected once.
  • Simeon – Too high energy, and scary to women.  (Seriously, I didn’t add that.  Mystery said this!)
  • Matt – Didn’t use his accessory.
  • Kevin – Cussed way too much and unaware of the discomfort he created.

“And so it begins…” intones Mystery as he begins awarding medallions.  (Seriously, could we get any more over-dramatic here?)

The first one Mystery reveals to be safe is:  Rian.  Apparently, his ability to open a 6-set put him over the top.

The next one to be safe is Matt Powers.  The drunk girl who accosted him because of his boa was his saving grace this week.  He gets to stick around for episode 3.

Now we’re down to Asian Kevin, Serial Killer Simeon, and Karl.  Mystery says there was nothing about any of their performances which impressed him last night.  I beg to differ.  The amount of rejection Simeon experienced was incredibly impressive!  But I digress…

Mystery gives Simeon the reprieve, but warns him that he must gain control of his creepy energy.

It’s now down to AK and Karl.  I think Karl is toast.  We shall see – and in the most overly dramatic way possible.

Now Tara and Matador get to join in the hating.

Tara says Karl’s worst enemy is his self-doubt.  I think his worst enemy is his schizophrenic break with reality, but hey, I’m not an expert like Tara is.  Matador says Kevin needs to be more aware of certain things, like wearing see-through shirts that prominently display your nipples.

Mystery claims he’s “going with his gut” on this one.  He says Karl needs to get over his demons.  He then says Kevin let him down.  Then, in a shocking twist to my finalist predictions, Mystery boots Asian Kevin.  Not that this is a surprise, since anyone who’s asian, indian, middle eastern, or black seems to not have a chance on this show.

Honestly, this is an odd choice for elimination, since I thought Karl did much, much worse than AK.  But whatever.  Karl’s in, AK’s out.

As Asian Kevin leaves, we get the obligatory montage of his time at Project Arizona.  AK says his time at the mansion was “priceless.”  I say it was dull beyond comparison.  At least we didn’t lose anyone interesting this week like we did last episode.

Next week’s episode looks particularity embarrassing, which means it will be particularly awesome.  Kosmo is back, and the prospect of the Kos hanging out with Asian Brian will just be too good to pass up.  Can’t wait to see it and write about it for all you flamers out there.

Until next time, y’all.

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