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Troubles Being Social – For Beginners
Naistehirm, over on
mASF, has a pretty gut-wrenching post about his troubles being a social guy…
Naistehirm writes:
Hey,
okay, I have a problem that I have no idea how to get over, I think I have tried several different methods, but none does the work for me.
Anyway, my prob is that most of the time I’m way too dull and not very talkative. I feel like I have never something to say and my mind seems to be pretty empty all the times, or full of crap like I’m thinking why do I not have anything to say.
I party a lot, but most of the time only cause I force myself to go to parties and be social, but that’s not good since in those cases I absolutely don’t enjoy myself.
Especially when I’m sober I have no clue what to talk about. Normally I am in social circles so my chances of getting girls are by social circle, but I have problems attracting girls when I have no idea what to tell them/or what to speak about, nothing comes to my mind, not even any random shit. Sometimes I’m able to hold conversation for few mins, but out of there it just gets dull and I make an excuse to get out of conversation or sometimes I just ignore people cause I don’t have a clue how to answer their questions or whatever. It’s not that I overthink my answers, it’s just that I feel there’s nothing to say. And this makes me feel very uncomfortable in social situations.
And I go out pretty much every day and I haven’t gotten any better. I haven’t got laid for 1.5 years (and I have really got laid for just once, and it wasn’t very enjoyable, was drunk and didn’t get the girl wet so it wasn’t cool at all).
And cause of me not getting girls and all my friends being succesful it hits my self esteem pretty bad, although it’s not that bad, cause I’m still thinking kind of realistically, and my looks aren’t bad either, so all I’m worried about is that I have nothing to say.
I only feel comfortable in social situations when I have had few beers, but then it lasts for just a while and sometimes it just makes me depressed so I can’t just focus on alcohol, and it would be a lot better if I was able to stay social even when I was sober.
Approaching girls is not a big problem for me, out of my friends I think I seem to be more couraegous about this part, but whenever I approach I can only hold conversation for a little while and then I start feeling uncomfortable cause I can’t move things anywhere.
Most of the discussion my friends do is cocky/funny type of, which seems to work on girls very well, but I rarely manage to do that, and even when I’m able to, then I have been silent for a way too long time and then it can come out either lame or mean or whatever.
Seeing my friends being succesful and me not getting any at all, makes me pretty depressed at times and I really want to get over it, cause atm I feel like I’m never going to get girls or even a relationship.
I feel pretty uncomfortable on 1 on 1 situations too, especially when with girls, because I feel like I’m forced to say something but nothing comes to my mind, not even any random stuff. I only feel comfortable with my guy friends cause then I don’t have to talk so much, so it doesn’t affect anything. But yeah, maybe someone can show me the right direction, what to do or whatever…
Thank you.
Here’s the thing about being social…
Being good at social interactions is about feeling comfortable, relaxed and happy. It should be no secret that your emotional state influences how you interact with others, and the guys who have troubles with social interactions typically allow their emotions of feeling uncomfortable or pressured to “perform” overcome them, and when that happens, it’s just a spiral downwards.
Here’s what used to happen to me in social situations – and I can TOTALLY relate to Naistehirm when it comes to this…
I’d go out with my friends to a bar, party, whatever. I’d see tons of hot girls I’d want to sleep with, and in my mind, I’d think to myself “Damn, I really need to talk to some of these girls!” But when I thought that, I was putting pressure on myself to step outside my comfort zone. This added pressure made me nervous. When I did finally approach a girl, my nerves would be so overwhelming I couldn’t think of what to say, and the conversation would peeter out. Afterwards, I’d feel stupid and beat myself up for “failing.” That just made me feel worse, and depressed. At that point, I didn’t want to talk to anyone because I felt like a loser. And the fact that I couldn’t enjoy myself and talk to girls made me feel like even MORE of a loser, to the point where I wanted to get out of the social situation all together.
Some guys drink to avoid letting their nerves get the best of them. I never did – mostly because when I introduced alcohol into the equation, it just amplified my feelings of depression when they hit.
So a BIG part of being social is learning to control your emotional state. If you can make yourself feel relaxed, calm, happy, confident, etc., things become much easier for you.
The second part is to remove any and all pressure to “perform” in a social situation. Too many guys go out thinking “I gotta get laid tonight!” So they push for that to happen, and the more it looks like it won’t, the worse they feel because in their mind, they are “failing.” A better goal for the night is to go out an “have a good time.” This is infinitely easier to do because it comes down to your enjoyment factor.
I know what you’re thinking, though. You’re thinking – “But Thundercat, to me, having a good time is getting laid!” Well, I tend to agree with you. HOWEVER – if you succeed in having fun, it makes getting laid WAY easier than if you go out prowling for punani like some PUA predator. This is because women are attracted to guys who are having fun and having a good time! Why? Because women like to have fun too! And if they have fun with YOU, it makes building attraction way easier.
The final aspect of the “being social” formula is rapport building. This is where conversation comes into play. If you have a hard time “thinking” about what to say to a girl, you’re doing something wrong. Conversation flows naturally, but it does so within a structured pattern. This is why I teach my Fish & Hook method (explained in excruciating detail in the
Art Of Approaching /shamelessplug). The Fish & Hook method goes something like this:
1. Ask a question
2. Get her answer
3. Tell a story related to her answer
In essence, you’re “fishing” for something to “hook” into. You ask her a question like “Where are you from?” and she says “Chicago.” You then tell a story about this one time you went to Chicago and had the best pizza ever. (OR something related to Chicago)
At this point, the girl might start talking to you about her favorite pizza joints in Chicago. That can lead to a conversation about cooking. You ask her “You ever make your own pizza? Do you cook?” She answers, and then you tell a story about you trying to cook that relates to her answer. And you keep this up for as long as it takes to get a proper level of rapport.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
There’s no such thing as a truly boring person. Everyone has stuff they are passionate about in their lives. Some people don’t get as excited about those passions as they might, but regardless, if you can find enough “commonalities” with the person you are talking to and build rapport, conversation starts to flow very easily.
And if you’re REALLY stuck, check out
Pure Personality. It’s a great way to beef up your social skills.
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레거시 오브 데드
그러나이 사람들이 그렇게 대담 할 것이라고 누가 생각했을 것입니다.
문 프린세스 100
Zhu Houzhao는 “아버지가 어떤 명령을 받았는지 모르겠습니다. “라고 서둘러 말했습니다.
번개 슬롯
마지막 수업 후에도 폐하께서는 여전히 황태자 전하를 편안하게 느끼십니까?
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꽁포 사이트
Hongzhi 황제는 마음에 경외감을 느끼며 Ouyang Zhi를 깊이 살펴 보았습니다.
toto 사이트
하지만 지금… 이미 목에 칼이 꽂혀 있는데, 그가 무엇을 할 수 있겠습니까?
마블 슬롯
“여기는 정말 편안하고 가격은 비쌉니다. “Zhu Houzhao가 흥분하여 말했습니다.
슬롯 머신 사이트
팡지판은 “왜 이렇게 급히 돌아왔느냐”고 친절하게 말했다.
사이트 토토
몽골말의 폭발력은 부족하지만 고난을 참고 견디며 버티는 것이 좋다.젊은 스승이 급히 떠나는 것을 지켜보던 멩 보스는 어리둥절한 표정을 지었습니다.
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토토 사이트 입플
그들은 결코 쉽게 굴복하지 않을 것이며, 굴복하기 때문에 반드시 의지할 것이 있을 것입니다.
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에그벳 도메인
상인의 말을 듣고 Hongzhi 황제는 말문이 막혔습니다.
슬롯 모아 무료
Hongzhi 황제는 얼굴에 미소를 지었지만 그의 눈은 미소가 아닌 미소로 Fang Jifan에 고정되었습니다.
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합법 토토
이때 Shen Ao는 “아들 아, 나는 다시는 감히하지 않을 것입니다. “라고 말했습니다.
토토 스포츠
이를 본 주재모는 여전히 침착하며 “알았어”라고 말했다.
토토 먹튀 검증
단 … Xiao Jing은 어제 Jiangfu 문제를 감히 건드리지 않았습니다.
토토 사이트 입플
Hongzhi 황제는 약간 얼굴을 붉혔습니다. 이 문제는 … 더 이상 추구 할 수없는 것 같습니다.
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슬롯 무료 사이트
이 네 단어를 듣고 갑자기 오다 노부다카의 눈이 빛났다.
카지노 슬롯 머신
그는 더 말하면 조금 금기시될 것임을 알고 있었다.
꽁 머니 슬롯
12개 이상의 정형화 된 에세이가 Hongzhi 황제의 책상으로 보내졌습니다.
트리플 슬롯
모두들… 그들의 턱은 마치 계란으로 채워진 것처럼 무의식적으로 열렸습니다.
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트레져스 오브 아즈텍
제안이 없는 이유는 단순히 무엇을 초안해야 할지 모르기 때문입니다.
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123 슬롯
이 말을 들은 홍지황제는 웃으며 말했다.
슬롯 모아 무료
태평양을 건너는 것은 죽음의 행위에 지나지 않습니다.
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메이저 슬롯 사이트
“…” Wang Jinyuan은 Fang Jifan을 깊이 바라보며 … 익숙해졌습니다.
마종 웨이즈
자세히 보면 Fang Jifan의 입가가 씰룩 거리는 것을 찾는 것이 어렵지 않습니다!
포춘 슬롯
“폐하.” Liu Jian은 놀랍게도 Hongzhi 황제를 바라 보았습니다.
베팅 토토
이 첫 번째 기사는 “New Matter, Discovery of Electricity”라는 세계를 놀라게 했습니다.