Carlos Xuma Cures Approach Anxiety?

August 8, 2008 by  
Filed under News, Video

Hey guys,

Carlos Xuma has a new video up that helps share some techniques he uses to overcome approach anxiety.

Its pretty good (even if he is looking offscreen most of the time).  If you wanna see the video for yourself, you can do so by clicking here.

Zen, and the Art of Opening

February 4, 2004 by  
Filed under Tips & Tricks

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 12/18/03

Okay all you wannabees. Here is an article I wrote a few months back for Cliff’s List on approaching women. Its not my best work to date, but it should get you started off in the right direction as far as upping your game to the next level. Obviously, if you can already approach worth a damn, you might very well get nothing from this post, so go back to looking at your internet pornography. I know i will. =)



Zen, and the Art of Opening
An Essay on Approaching Women, by Thundercat

A butterfly flaps its wings, the breeze it creates sends a puff of pollen from a nearby flower into the air, causing a rhinoceros to sneeze. The sound of that sneeze causes a herd of zebras to stampede, disrupting the flow of wind current, which helps create a hurricane in the South Pacific, which causes American Airlines to cancel their flights that night, which means the girl of your dreams is forced to stay in town for one more day. You find her at your favorite bar with her friends, partying away her borrowed time.

Now what?

Though fate may have acted in your favor up to this point by doing the exact things necessary to get that exact girl to show up in that exact location at the exact same time that you would be there, the fact remains that it is now up to you to take action.

The idea of “opening” is the notion of approaching a woman with the express intent of engaging her in a conversation. By doing so, you then make her more receptive to talking to you, effectively opening her up for further interaction.

The “opener” is a line that is used to initiate the conversation. It is often the first sentence exchanged between the man and the woman he desires. “Pick-up Lines” are forms of openers, but openers can be anything to get the girl talking.

But there is more to opening than knowing what to say. Indeed, the process of “opening” a girl can be quite involved. The first thing to be aware of when opening a girl is the concept of “active disinterest.”

Now, those two words may seem rather nonsequiter or paradoxical when matched together. But there is an important reason why those two words should be matched together.

Have you ever been out and about, maybe in a bar or a club, and you see a beautiful woman. And after spotting said woman, you simply stand there, waiting for her to notice you and approach you? So you sit around trying to act cool, acting like you don’t see her, projecting a confident, macho attitude you hope is magnetic enough to get her attention?

Now, ask yourself how often that works.

This is an example of “inactive disinterest.” The opposite of this is when you actually take the action necessary to become noticed by the woman, while still portraying that disinterested attitude. Hence, “active disinterest.”

But why act disinterested? Obviously, you’re attracted to the girl, otherwise you wouldn’t be bothering to approach her. But put yourself in their position for a moment:

Imagine going through your average day, and being approached by a number of people who compliment you on your looks, your clothing, or an accessory of some sort, all because they want something from you. Kind of cheapens those compliments, doesn’t it? Especially when the seventh person of the day comes up and tells you how cool your purse is.

This is the reality of women, especially beautiful women. Women know men want to have sex with them. They get untold offers every day to have sex. Guy after guy will approach with that exact goal in mind. So girls, naturally, become accustomed to rejecting advances that telegraph intent, much the same way you might respond to a vagrant asking for change as you walk to work. You know what he is going to ask and you are prepared not to give it to him.

When you approach a woman and say “Hey baby, lookin’ good tonight,” you are telegraphing interest in an aggressive manor. By the same token, when you sheepishly approach and say “Hello. May I please buy you a drink?” you are not only telegraphing interest, but also doing so in a very wimpy way.

But when you enter with disinterest, you are neutral. You do not telegraph interest while neither coming off aggressive nor coming off wimpy. You are simply “Neutral.”

But being neutral simply isn’t enough, you must be engaging. Otherwise you run the risk of making the girl bored and having her walk away.

The best way to engage someone for the first time is by asking their opinion on something. When doing so, you are able to get them to invest their own personal thoughts and feelings into your burgeoning conversation. And once that’s invested, they are more likely to commit themselves to the interaction.

A neutral opinion opener can be anything that does not telegraph interest, while presenting options to your target that helps to encourage them to give and expand upon their opinion.

Examples of this are:

  • Which was better, Star Wars or the Empire Strikes Back?
  • Which do you prefer – Barbie or Skipper?
  • Do you like coffee or tea better?
  • Which is better – Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi?
  • What’s cooler to listen to – 80′s music or 90′s music?

Each of the above openers are neutral, and they both ask an opinion. But if you use these openers before you have caught your target’s interest, you run the risk of having to repeat yourself, so it is preferable to preface each neutral opinion opener with an “attention grabber.” This can be as simple as:

Hey guys, I need an opinion on something…


Yo guys, check this out…

These will engage the target and get them to listen for the opener. Attention Grabbers do not really need to be processed by the brain, they just have to be loud enough to be heard. But note that it is still important for them to be neutral. This is apparent by keeping the words “girls” or “ladies” out of them. By saying such, you draw attention to the fact that you are a man approaching them, and are most likely looking for sex. Rather, you want to get in the habit of referring to the girl you open in a neutral yet friendly term, like “guy” or “dude.”

It is important to note that you want to avoid attention grabbers that come off too needy or wimpy. By starting off with “Excuse me,” or “Pardon me,” you are presupposing you are interrupting her and asking her permission to engage her, when in fact, it is much more powerful and effective to engage her without asking permission.

So when you approach a woman with active disinterest, and you use a neutral opinion opener, you are increasing your chances of engaging the woman, and minimized that probability she will reject you.