Do You Let Your Girl Go Clubbing?

Str8wlkr over on the Natural Game forum had an interesting post about Leading a relationship vs. controlling a relationship.  This topic actually sprung from a thread on a different message board about whether or not guys should let their girlfriends go out to clubs.  And you know what?  It brings up some pretty interesting questions…

Str8wlkr writes:

"Oh na-na, what's my name?"

I’d like to have people’s opinion on this matter. I post on an automotive forum that has a relationships sections in the Off topic and this discussion erupted into something interesting.

Keep in mind that the thread was originally about “Do you let your girlfriend go to clubs?”

==> Now, a handful of guys don’t allow their girlfriends to go clubbing because they consider that the only reason a girl would go to a club is to hook up with guys, wich they don’t agree with and don’t want to deal with.

==> Other guys advocate freedom and allowing freedom to breed trust.

Here are some quotes from this thread :

“At first I don’t allow it but after some time when she has proved me she is trustworthy, she can go clubbing with her friends.”

“I don’t set limits to her behaviour and she doesn’t set limits to mine. We both know and understand what the significant other considers inappropriate or not so we don’t do it.”

“Boom. If you make every situation into some kind of forbidden fruit, she will eventually bite into it.”

“You shouldn’t control a women. Let her do whatever she wants. If it’s made to be, it’s made to be, and if not, then she’ll cheat on you. Preventing her will only postpone the inevitable.”

“So many members are whipped and don’t know it. Listen bro, Clubs are for what? Dancing and fucking.”

“It’s not that they are whipped, some men are just passive in the relationship. For instance if you take a woman with a really strong character and couple her with a man who has weak character the outcome will be : the man will be whipped. (however it is not his fault because thats how life and mother nature formed him throughout his life). Judging from many posts/replies on this forum, many of these kids would consider me insecure because I don’t let my woman do anything without my consent.I simply believe that there should be only 1 leader and he is the one who gives the final word. The man should be the head of the family/relationship (the woman is not the neck , she does not turn the head). Very few women are good leaders. And if you mutually compromise with each other all the time , somewhere along the line you will get fucked over.”

“The man has got to be the leader and in control, it has always been this way”

“I give freedom to her and she gives freedom to me we both love each other for it. I choose to let her do what she wants, it’s a conscious choice that I make because I expect the fucking same in return. If something is inappropriate, I will put my foot down and make my point loud and clear, but we both understand eachother’s boundaries pretty good so this didn’t happen a lot….I do not consider that I have to ask permission to anyone to do things, so I don’t think my girlfriend should have to do it either. some girls like to be told what to do because they get a feeling of security out of it, but it can’t work smoothly with all of them in my opinion.”

Then it ended up being a discussion about the difference between a leader and a controlling boyfriend.

The last quote is from me, so you know where I’m standing, but I wonder how the Natural Game considers this point.

I firmly believe that a true leader can decide to set someone free and be a leader for it.

I actually found this post really interesting because basically, this all comes down to how healthy one’s relationship with their woman is.  In order to have a healthy relationship, you need two things – trust and intimacy.  And if there is no trust, you can’t truly be intimate with someone.

So in a way, the question here isn’t really if you’re a “leader” or a “controller,” but about how much trust you have built in your relationship.  Because honestly, trying to control another person is always a failing proposition.  It might work for a while, but eventually they’ll resent you for it.

There is an argument to be made that bars or clubs are only good for “dancing and fucking.”  I mean, let’s face it, they are meat markets for the most part.  But they’re also places to go, socialize, and have a good time.  If you’re girl is going out with her friends to a bar or a club, that doesn’t mean she’s going there to cheat on you.  However, by their very nature, your girl WILL be hit on if she’s even halfway decent looking (and depending on the venue, even if she isn’t!).  This means that she’s putting herself in a position where she COULD cheat on you.  I mean, we’ve all heard of girls who went out, got drunk, and slept with some guy, then woke up the next morning and realized they cheated even though they didn’t mean to.

So there IS something to be worried about when you allow your girl to go out without you to party.  But this also comes down to the trust you’ve built in your relationship.  Healthy relationships allow both people a certain amount of freedom.  You can go out with your friends, she can go out with hers, and you both shouldn’t be worried about what the other might do while you’re away.  The minute that stops being the case, the two of you are no longer in a “healthy” relationship because somewhere along the way, trust got broken.

If a guy is insecure in his relationship, that usually means he’s insecure about himself, and he’ll see his girl jumping at any chance she can get to cheat on him.  This will not only drive the guy to do stupid stuff, but it will also eat away at the relationship in the long term.  If you want to build trust in a relationship, you have to be comfortable with yourself, you have to feel you deserve the relationship you’re in, and most of all, you have to know the character of the woman you’re with.

If the girl you’re in a relationship with is a party chick who likes to drink and stuff, you know that she’s more likely to cheat on you when she goes out than a girl who only drinks socially, for instance.  That is why it is important to establish boundaries in a relationship.  Every good relationship has ground rules that are built around the needs of both parties, and enforced by the trust they have for each other.

So if you know your girl *might* cheat on you if she goes out to a club with friends, you can set a ground-rule of “Babe, I don’t mind you going out with your friends, but I don’t want you going to a bar or a club with them unless I can come along.”

That’s not an unreasonable request.  Many of these relationship “ground rules” are established inadvertently to begin with, because often we just kinda fall into routines when we’re with someone.  But if one person or the other continually steps out of these ground-rules, you do have to put your foot down and call them on it.  This is the difference between having a strong hand in your relationship and being a push-over.  Your typical AFC will let the girl he’s with get away with anything she wants, even if she continually crosses the rules they established.  A strong man won’t let that behavior go unchecked.

The best solution?  Try to build trust with your partner, and make your ground-rules clear to each other.  Give them the freedom they deserve within the rules, but if they’re crossed, let them know about it.  I don’t really think you can ever truly “lead” a relationship, but you can police it, and bring your girl back in line if she steps out of bounds.  Just remember to treat her how you want her to treat you, and everything should be fine.