The Pick Up Artist – Episode 4 Recap: “Kiss, Kiss, Gang, Bang”

Last week I stated I was really looking forward to Episode 4 of
VH1′s The Pick Up Artist, staring everyone’s favorite PUA, Mystery.

Well, I was looking forward to it… until I actually SAW episode
4.  I could have gotten just as much drama watching my dirty dishes
chill in the sink.  They really need to get more interesting twists
going on in the show, because they certainly aren’t teaching anybody
anything, except for the fact that virgins make lousy reality fodder.

Female announcer states that Episode 4 is all about KISSING.  Yay!
Nothing is better reality TV than awkward men awkwardly kissing women
they normally would have to pay by the hour for.  I can’t wait!

So the episode starts off with a recap of 45YOV getting kicked off.
The whole crew is in the green room waiting to see who could possibly
survive the elimination.  Kosmo laments to the camera:

"I love Brady and I love Fred.  Can’t Mystery just pick them both?"

Awww… the love for 45YOV is touching… at least until Brady walks
back in. Then the whole group stands up and cheers!  No one liked the
creepy 45 year old guy who’d never had sex, apparently.

Pradeep hops up and rushes to Brady for a loving embrace.  You can
almost hear him say "Thank God it’s you!  If I had to smell that old
guy one more time…" as he gently rocks back and forth in Brady’s arms.

Big Joe says "When Brady came around that corner, I was so
relieved.  I want that guy with me in the final three."  Nice.  Not
only is Big Joe displaying confidence here, but also a complete
disregard for old people.  Now, there’s not a single contestant over
the age of 30!  Huzzah!

Brady laments about how he was relying too much on his looks.  Everyone
agrees they learned a valuable lesson and goes to have a beer to toast
their fallen comrade.  "To Fred!" the shout.  "And life lessons!  More
to life lessons!  We never really liked Fred!"

Be that as it may, the loss of yet another lame AFC shakes everyone
up.  Big Joe makes it a point to say "No one is ever really safe…
except for me, and Brady, and Kosmo… because we’re cool and the producers like us."

The next day, Scott the Stutterer gets up early and hits the books
like a good little nerd.  He’s using his nerd work ethic to his benefit,
taking the time to sit down and learn the openers, routines, and DHVs
that have been taught so far.  His goal seems to be to finally become
more interesting than the cactus tree outside.

You gotta respect Scott though.  He’s really applying himself, and
he’s very dedicated to pushing himself to do better.  He’s an excellent
student, and so far, he’s been the one most steadily getting better.  I
find myself rooting for him, even if he does have the personality of a
wad of gum.

Kosmo is studying too, saying he doesn’t want people to keep saving
him.  Now Kosmo is motivated to succeed.  He’s the other one that’s
been improving too, and he’s more entertaining than Scott, so the odds
are in his favor.

Later on in the day, Mystery shows up, and the goggles make their
triumphant return to television.  As he approaches the group, the
goggles say "Greetings, all!  Have you met my good friend Mr. Top Hat?
He’s a real douchebag."  Indeed, I can see why goggles hate the top
hat.  The top hat really, REALLY upstages him.

Mystery asks everyone "who thinks they’re a good kisser?"  Everyone
but Scott raises their hands.  Mystery asks Scott why he didn’t raise
his hand.  Scott says "Just lack of experience… but if my mom counts,
then I’m the Wilt Chamberlin of kissing!"

Mystery tells the group that at the rate they’re progressing, they
may soon get to kiss some girls.  Kosmo looks suddenly confused and
starts glancing around like a paranoid monkey.  "What?  Women?
Where?"  The closest thing he sees to a chick is Gay Joe, though, so he
settles down pretty quick.

Then, Mystery leads them back into the not-often used "Porn Room" of
the mansion.  (You know, the darkly lit room that looks like it was
made for a porn movie shoot?)

Gay Joe wonders "What’s in that other room?"  Thanks to the promos,
I already know – it’s two hot chicks.  A girl named Leia, and Tara, the
girl who emotionally raped my boy Spoon.

It looks like Tara and Leia are going to teach the boys how to
kiss.  The boys all profusely thank Mystery as he leaves, obviously
excited at the prospect of being so close to two hot women (especially
Pradeep, who’s mouth is practically watering).  Gay Joe, however, just
looks bored.

So the porno music begins, which means it’s time for the girls to
start their lesson.  Tara confesses to the camera that "Mystery’s
Method helps people make a connection that is beyond sex."  Well,
according to my friends outside the community who have yet to see a
student succeed, apparently Mystery’s Method is so far beyond sex, no
one actually HAS any!  *sigh*

Tara asks the guys "How important do you think it is to be a good kisser?"

Pradeep pipes up "Now I think it’s VERY important."  Apparently
until this moment, Pradeep didn’t believe in foreplay.  But I can
kind-of see where he’s coming from.  Kissing probably isn’t all that
important a skill to have after the ruphies kick in.

Pradeep then proceeds to sit there lusting after the white women.
He already looks like he’s just reached his sexual peak on national
television, and then the girls start acting like they’re going to have
a lesbian kiss.  Now Pradeep looks like he’s going into epileptic
shock.  In fact, all the guys seem to be getting their boner on – even
Gay Joe, who’s staring at Brady the whole time.

During this scene, I couldn’t help but think – "Screw Mystery!  Let
these girls teach the show!!!"  They seem to be good teachers, and
they’re hot, and the guys actually pay attention when they talk.  Better
yet, get rid of the students and just have the girls make out for an
hour.  That’s the show I’d like to see.

But alas, such is not so.  Now it’s back to the kissing lesson.  The
girls give the guys peaches to practice on.  Now we’re treated to a
montage of guys making out with fruit.  Kosmo looks like he’s
auditioning for a fetish video.  Gay Joe caresses his peach trying to
imagine it’s some type of male body part, Big Joe looks hungry, and
Scott just looks awkward (He can’t even kiss a peach right, for God’s Sake).

Leia comments "You look like you’re kissing your grandmother!" Which
is no surprise, since that’s the only woman besides his mother
Scott probably has kissed.  "Oddly enough," Scott says, "My Grandmother
looks an awful lot LIKE this peach!"  Oh, well that explains it.

In contrast to all the others, Pradeep is so horny, he just freakin’ starts EATING his peach.

Now that practice is over, now it’s time for the reward challenge.
The winer gets Mystery in his ear.  It’s like Gay Joe’s fantasy come to
life… until Mystery reveals that the winner gets an ear bud where he
can hear Mystery coach him through the in-field challenge.

Then, Mystery reveals that each guy is going to be judged on their kissing skills by none other than… GAY JOE!

Then, when no one really wants to do the challenge, they offer Tara
an extra $500 to whore herself out for a few minutes.  When this is
decided, Big Joe jiggles his cheeks going
"A-badeeb-a-badeeb-aye-aye-aye-aye."  He can’t wait!  And neither can
Pradeep, who can’t believe he’s finally going to get to kiss a white
woman.

So one by one, the remaining contestants enter the rape room
- er, ah, I mean PORNO room – where Tara has been blindfolded so she
won’t cringe away from the creepy virgins who are about to molest her
on national TV.  (Seriously, they did everything but chain her to the
floor.)

First up is Scott the Stutterer, who you can tell is excited because
even though his facial expressions NEVER change, he gives the "thumbs
up" as he duck-walks into the room.  "I just haven’t kissed a girl in a
long, long time," Scott says.  Owch.  I guess Scott moved away from his
mom a long, long time ago. 

Like the dedicated nerd he is, Scott does
EXACTLY what the girls told him to do in the training portion of the
challenge.  Yet, despite his willingness to learn, Scott’s nose-to-nose
kiss makes him look like a fish bubbling for air.  In fact, it’s so
awkward, Leia stops it after about two seconds, and Tara can barely
contain her laughter.  Scott says "It was great kissing Tara.  I was
very into it.  I felt EXCEEDINGLY passionate."  Of course he did.  You
could totally tell how passionate he was by the way he never changed
his facial expression.  Scott looks pleased with himself though, and
leaves the room duck walking around his raging nerd-boner.

Now my boy BIG JOE comes into the room.  BJ says he’s "Not necessarily
the worst kisser in the world."  Way to be humble, my boy!  BJ starts
with a kiss that’s so light and so short, Leia has to encourage him to
molest Tara further.  So Joe goes in for another one, and this time
LAYS IT ON HER.  You go boy.  Big guys do it better, that’s what I
always say.

Then comes the obvious favorite to win – Brady.  He says "I think if I
do anything well, its kissing."  Well, I hope that’s so, because so far
he hasn’t actually done ANYTHING well.  As he goes in to kiss Tara, his
big nose reaches her before his lips do, and as that shnoz gently
caresses her cheek, their lips meet.  During the make out, it looked
like his nose got more action than his lips!  That is one lucky nose -
at least until Leia has to pull him off for fear of him snorting off
Tara’s face.

Brady leaves confident.  After all, kissing is the one thing he does
well, right?  But when asked if she enjoyed it, Tara’s response is only
a shrug.  DENIED!  Turns out Bray is so lame, he can’t even make-out
with a helpless blind-folded chick properly.  Well, at least he stopped
chewing gum for two seconds.

Then George Michael music starts playing, which can mean only one thing – GAY JOE is up!

As Gay Joe comes in, he couldn’t look LESS excited.  He says "I was
nervous when I found out we would be kissing… SOMEONE."  Apparently
it doesn’t matter to Gay Joe if it was a guy or girl.  You can almost
see Gay Joe closing his eyes and imagine he’s making a move on
Matador.  In fact, with the passion and intensity he kissed Tara with,
it’s no wonder girls think he’s gay.  GJ says "There wasn’t a whole lot
of intensity going on."  Yeah, maybe that’s because you need somone
with some junk between their legs to get it up, buddy!

After GJ leaves, Leia asks Tara "What did you think of that one?" And
Tara says "I thought he was gay!"  (Okay, she didn’t really say that,
but you can tell she felt like she just kissed her little brother.)

So far we haven’t seen any real good kisses.  They’ve all been kisses
which could barely construe lip touching – mostly do to nervous geeks
who are bashful and inexperienced.

And then we get PRADEEP.

Pradeep grabs Tara by the head and begins tounging her down like a
thirsty man sipping up the last puddle of water in a dessert oasis.
Leia looks on, thoroughly disgusted.  She literally has to pry Pradeep
away from poor Tara before he has a chance to hump her leg like the
horny dog he is.  After Pradeep is forcibly removed from the porn room,
Tara shocks everyone by saying she actually LIKED Pradeep’s kiss.  She
says he’s the only one who really "took control."  Only that wasn’t
control, that was horny desperation she experienced.  But I guess the
two are kind-of the same thing in the end.

Finally, we have Kosmo.  Ah, Kosmo… you may be a complete,
self-delusional weirdo, but you’re an endearing self-delusional
weirdo.  Kosmo excitedly states "Latinos, when we’re born, out of the
womb, when we’re like Zero, we know how to make out."  (Apparently they
learn how to breakdance when they’re 1, and how to box when their two.
Don’t even get me going on the age when learn how to repair cars…)

So Kosmo then proceeds to do his culture proud by tonsil-knockin’ the
white woman all over the room.  It looks like Kosmo, for once, can
actually live up to his bravado and actually makes out with the girl
the right way.

Now Mystery comes back in to hear the results.  Apparently, there’s a
tie for SECOND place, and that tie goes to Big Joe and… Pradeep?
Mystery says "You both came in second, together."  Yeah, isn’t that
what a tie usually means?  (Mystery always had a knack for stating the
obvious)  Finally, the winner is revealed to be Kosmo, who’s so
excited, he proceeds to start punching Big Joe’s huge flabby belly like
a sandbag.

So Kosmo gets to have Mystery in his ear bud during the in-field
challenge, which pretty much assures he’s going to win. (Way to suck
all the suspense out of the show, right?)

"I get to have Mystery inside my BRAIN!" Kosmo shouts excitedly.  Ah,
if he only knew what that meant, he might no be so excited, lol.

The next day it’s time for a new lesson from Mystery (Or "Pop-Up
Pick Up," as I like to call it, due to all the dictionary terms that
pop up during the talks).  Matador and J-Dog seem to have been
relegated to mute puppets by this point in the show – but the GOGGLES
have returned, and they appear to have murdered the Top Hat somewhere
along the road.

Mystery’s lesson centers around kiss closes, attraction, and
comfort.  He also demonstrates kino on J-Dog.  Gay Joe watches with a
big smile on his face (no surprise).

Mystery reveals that tonight’s challenge will be to pick a target,
and then kiss close her.  When Pradeep hears this, he looks like he
just shit himself (which I’m sure he’ll tun into a great opener,
somewhere down the road.)  Gay Joe, however, looks thoroughly
disappointed.  I guess he thought he was through with having to kiss
girls.

So now the guys are all getting ready for their night out.  Pradeep
knows he’s been doing shitty up to this point, and he’s nervous.  Big
Joe is trying to help Scott the Stutterer loosen up, and Kosmo is
trying to convince himself he’s "money" in the most spastic, awkward
way possible.

Then the crew all hop on Destination Manhood to hit the clubs as
Mystery shows back up in his leopard skin coat and explains tonight’s
challenge to the audience.

At the club, Kosmo gets his ear bud, and the whole crew heads
inside.  Again, we get the hidden camera spiel about how there are no
actors in the club.

First up comes Brady, who walks in the club looking like Marty McFly
with his gigantic vest on, chomping away at his gum like a cow.
Brady’s first set puts him face to face with a hot drunk girl who’s
ripe for the plucking, but he can’t find the balls to take advantage of
her like Mystery would want.  To bad, so sad… maybe next time.
Mystery says it all:  "You exited a perfectly good looking girl."  No,
that’s exactly what he DIDN’T do!  lol.

Now we get Big Joe, who opens a very attractive set.  Joe’s good at
opening, but he’s still too shy and self-conscious to make any moves
and quickly loses the set.  (It probably doesn’t help that he has Scott
the Stutterer as his wingman).  Then, an even fatter guy than Big Joe
comes by and blows him out.  Another one bites the dust.

Now, we have Pradeep, who does everything wrong but tell the story
about the guy who shit himself.  He aggressively goes after a set,
bribing, lying, and cajoling women to follow him like the diabolical
genius he is.  He’s SO clever, he starts shouting "I’m a VIP!  I’m a
VIP!"  He uses none of Mystery’s material what-so-ever, bribes the
girls with the promise of free alcohol, and ends up literally DRAGGING
women back to his booth like the creepy little man he is.  Mystery and
crew are disgusted.  So is the audience.

Now it’s Scott’s turn, who seems to like approaching men more than
he does women.  But you know what?  He’s actually improving!  He looks
relaxed, he’s able to deliver the lines well, he’s not fumbling over
himself as much… he’s actually doing pretty good considering where he
was three episodes ago. 

Unfortunately, his best isn’t good enough as he runs out of
material.  Eventually he moves into another set and promptly gets
AMOGed by another guy who says "There’s not a lot of people who can
wear green."  I got some news for ya, buddy – there’s also not a lot of
people who can have a streak of blue in their hair.  Scott’s neither.

Now we’re over to Gay Joe, who gets Big Joe to be his wingman and
open a set for him.  Gay Joe then zeroes in on his target.  She’s drunk
enough to think he’s not gay, and it’s obvious she’s into him.  But Joe
just can’t overcome his gayness enough to make his move, so he lets
opportunity pass him by.

Finally, we’re up to Kosmo, being coached by Mystery.  Kosmo
approaches another Latina and pretty much does whatever Mystery tells
him – which means what he’s doing is actually WORKING.  So he isolates
the girl, escalates the kino, and gets the MAKE OUT!  That’s what I
call Latino Heat, baby!

So obviously, Kosmo is the winner, considering he’s the only one who got any action.  Now he gets to pick his wingmen.

The next day, Pradeep says he feels scared, worried, and like he has
not improved in any single way compared to what he was before.  (Please
note this quote, since it will come into play later.)

So right now, it looks like the vulnerable people are Pradeep and
Scott the Stutterer.  But Scott, to his credit, still feels he has a
lot to learn, and that he can become a Master Pick Up Artist, as
opposed to Pradeep, who seems to refuse to want to learn or improve.

So that night, it’s time for elimination.  This time, they’re giving
away the puke-green PUA Pendants, symbolizing "enlightenment" or some
crap.

Kosmo chooses Big Joe and Gay Joe as his wingmen, which is only
proper, since both those guys chose him when they won their challenges.

After Kosmo and the two Joes leave, Brady is excused because…
well, he’s Brady, and he’s the favorite of the producers to win.  This
leaves us with Pradeep and Scott the Stutterer.

Mystery rags on Pradeep for his poor performance and bribery
skills.  Mystery then rags on Scott for approaching too many couples,
and not selecting a target.  Matador lectures Scott on relying too much
on routines.  (Wow, ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black?)

At this point, I’m sure Pradeep is gone.  He himself has said he
hasn’t improved one bit, while Scott has steadily been getting better
and better in the field – even if his personality is still as
interesting as a dry turd.

Mystery tells Scott that in all his years of teaching, he’s rarely
had a student apply himself as earnestly as he has.  "You’ve come a
long way," he says.  And Scott replies "I’ve worked hard for it."
Indeed he has.  He’s probably the hardest working guy of the bunch.
You can tell he really wants to succeed.

Mystery then turns to Pradeep and tells him that he’s been very
resistant to applying the method.  Mystery goes on to say that he finds
it very frustrating, since he knows that his method works.

"Ultimately, I’m looking for someone who can become a MASTER Pick Up
Artist!" exclaims Mystery.  So Mystery declares the medallion goes to
the guy who he believes has the most potential.

"Scott," Mystery says.  "That man is you!"  Then the producers walk
in and say "Wait, you can’t get rid of Pradeep.  He’s way more
interesting than Scott.  Keep the guy who uses the shit-pants line."
Mystery then turns back to Scott and says "Okay, despite the fact that
you’re hard working, a great student, and eager to actually improve,
we’re going to give it to the guy who resists learning my teachings and
by his own admission, has yet to change one iota.  Buh-bye!"

And like that, Scott the Stutterer has been eliminated.

I am truly, truly disgusted with this outcome.  Yeah, Pradeep is
fun.  He did invent the shit-pants opener, and he is the type of guy
the show needs as their resident villain… but there is NO WAY he
deserved that metal over Scott.  None.

The decision to keep Pradeep was entirely a decision to keep the
drama of the show as strong as possible.  And since Scott was boring,
he was expendable.

Bye-bye credibility.  It was nice knowing you.

Next week’s episode looks like Gay Joe wrote it.  It has to do with
the crew all running around in speedos showing their butt cracks.  Fun.