The Pick Up Artist – Episode 2 Recap: “There Is No Spoon.”

So another Monday night has come and gone, and so has another episode of The Pick Up Artist on VH1.

And boy, my mixed feelings on this show just got more mixed up!!!

So last week we saw our 8 loveable losers arrive in Austin, all excited about learning from master pickup artist Mystery who might finally be the answer to their chronic dick-dryness and crippling fear of the weaker sex.  Half the episode was spent shoving them completely unprepared into a club environment to crash and burn with girls, further emotionally scarring them more than they already were.

(And who says VH1 doesn’t make great TV?)

So the beginning of this episode we get to see Alvaro, everyone’s favorite latin breakdancing boxer, crying about how he was the only one of the group who wasn’t able to approach a single girl at the Foundation Room the night before.  And he has every right to be ashamed – even the stuttering guy with the pants around his chest was able to approach.

Alvero laments that maybe if he would just open his dumb mouth, good things would come out.  Oddly enough, the blond dude everyone thinks is gay said the same thing (only in his MIND where no one could hear!).

But don’t worry Alvero.  There’s nothing to be ashamed about.  We’ve all been there before.  Maybe in the future you could bypass talking to women completely and instead do something like… oh, I don’t know… breakdance!  I’m sure that would solve everything!  (I can see Alvero going on to teach the Breakdance Method now.  "Don’t worry about talking to chicks, just bust-a-move with your mad skillz!!!)

After Alvero cried to the camera, the next morning we see our favorite "I’m Chinese!" guy, SPOON, showing off his awesome black nails.  As if the top knot hairdoo wasn’t enough, our boy Spoon wants to imitate Mystery’s devil worshiping now.  Of course, he used black sharpie marker to do it – way to go!  Nothing says commitment like permanent ink!

Spoon says he doesn’t want to be the person he is now, the type of guy who feels horrible after getting rejected.  This is pretty funny, considering he pretty much decides he IS going to be the same guy he is now come the end of the episode… but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Anyway, now Spoon is crying.  First the Boxer, now the Chinese guy.
There’s a lot of tears being shed in Project Austin.  What up with that?

Then, Mystery finally graces the boys with his presence.  He’s not
really peacocked out, but he’s still wearing his goggles, you know,
just in case he gets the sudden urge to stare at the sun. (Does he ever
actually use those things?)

Scott the Stutterer talks about how inspired he is after seeing "The
Masters" at work.  You know, he may be a huge nerd with pants up to his
armpits, but I like Scott.  He’s awkward and stiff, but at least he’s
got the spirit to try!  He even goes so far as to say he wants to be
them.  Most people might think that means he wants to go out and get
laid, but I interpreted it as he wants to have his own neat pair of
goggles to wear around town.

And soon, Scott may get his wish, because now Mystery is going to
layout the show’s first REWARD CHALLENGE!  All based around the Peacock
Theory.

Mystery explains that Peacock Theory is about conveying sexuality
and drawing people towards you with your own look.  (Hence the awesome
goggles!)  From the way the show is edited, most of the students seem
to think that peacocking is about wearing super-tight pants.  (The gay
guy had a huge smile on his face when he found this out!)  But Mystery
wants his students to stand out.  So he sends them to a clothing store
to build an "Avatar" (Persona, or image) which conveys sexuality.  He
wants them to go crazy, and when they’re done, he gets to judge them.

And the winner gets… A WOMAN!

All the guys light up, until Mystery says that they just get to
"practice" with her instead of actually banging her.  (Awwwww)  That’s
too bad, since most of these guy’s problems could probably be solved
with one good night with a hooker.

So the winner gets to talk to a pretty girl.  So far, this is awesome, right?  Right?  *Ahem*

So the guys all head to the clothing store WET, which is apparently
also a salon and spa, all wrapped into one.  They hit the clothing
racks like color-blind autistics on ridalin, while getting their hair
colored, their backs waxed, and copious amounts of holes punched in
their ears.

Good ol’ Pradeep proclaims he wants to go for the "obviously gay"
look, so of course he starts shopping in the woman’s section, along
with the Blonde dude, who really is gay.

And then come… you guessed it… THE TIGHT PANTS!

First Alvero comes waddling out, his voice three octaves higher than
usual, claiming his pants are too tight.  Scott the Stutterer claims
he’s wearing tight jeans, but they still look big on him considering
his legs are the size of toothpicks.

45 Year Old Virgin says it best as he shouts "This is Nerds Gone
Wild!"  And he couldn’t be more right.  As the make-overs commence,
most of the guys start to look more and more strange and weird than
they did when they showed up in the first episode.

After getting an overly-long montage of Tubby Dude getting his back
hair riped out (He says "If I don’t get any girls, I’m going to be so
pissed!"  Well, prepare to be pissed, buddy.) we go on to see our boy
Spoon get not one, not two, but THREE piercings in his ear.

Gosh… and I remember the days when peacocking just meant wearing your green lantern ring out to the clubs.  Sigh.

So now that the guys have done their best to try and create their
make-overs without any professional help, they’re ready to put on the
fashion show for Mystery and the boys.

J-Dog says the guys are looking for someone who can "hang" with
Matador, Mystery, and himself.  (Oddly enough, he mentioned nothing
about Goggles.)

First up is Brady, the photographer, who comes out with his newly
blond hair and rather normal outfit.  Mystery likes it.  Matador says
he doesn’t remember him from before – which isn’t a big surprise, since
Matador looks a bit too busy posing for the camera than paying
attention to the guys he’s supposed to be helping.  Either that, or the
years of alcohol abuse are starting to catch up with him.  Matador then
goes on to tell Brady how good looking he is.  It’s too bad he didn’t
say that to the gay dude, because we might have actually seen someone
get laid on this show if that was the case.  Brady then goes on to say
he’s never had so many guys tell him he was good looking before.  If
this show was a gay version of the Bachelor, he’d be so in first place
right now!

Next up is Scott the Stutterer.  As He walks in, J-Dog gasps in
shock as he realizes that Scott’s blue streak in his hair is actually
more annoying than his own black streaks.  "Crikey!" he exclaims.
(Okay, not really, but I wish he had.)

Now, Big Gay Joe enters.  Matador is so attracted to the guy, all he
can do is pose for the camera some more.  Mystery says his look is
"interesting" and J-Dog asks him about his new gay piercings.  Gay Joe
corrects him and says he got his ears "Gaged," which means he got
massive holes punched in his ears so he could put stuff inside them.
Just what a gay guy needs – more holes in his body.

Then comes poor, poor, 45 Year Old Virgin (Henceforth known as
45YOV).  He comes in looking like a New Kid From The Block – only old
and sex starved.  Mystery calls the look "Sesame Street."  Matador
wants more hot guys to come out.  J-Dog is just glad 45YOV isn’t
upstaging his hair like that damn Scott guy.  Mystery then tells 45YOV
that there’s no need for a man his age to dress that way.  Um.. why
didn’t he tell him that BEFORE he sent him out to the clothing store?
The guy is surrounded by dudes 20 years younger than him, what did he
expect?

Next enters Alvaro, coming out with his bandanna and one black
glove.  Apparently, he thinks channeling circa 1980′s Michael Jackson
is gonna get him chicks.  He busts a few moves in his new gay duds
before Mystery and the crew start telling him how dumb he looks.  If
only he had bothered to get some Goggles, maybe he could roll with
Mystery to the Playboy Mansion, but I digress…

After Alvaro comes Pradeep, who proudly walks in with his new
"obviously gay" clothes.  (You can tell Matador likes it.)  Mystery
unceremoniously laughs at him.  Pradeep asks "Is this too much" with
his voice as high as a 12-year old girls thanks to the super tight
jeans pinching his junk.

Finally, our boy SPOON walks in.  He’s pretty much got the same
outfit on as Pradeep, only with less gay colors.  He proudly pronounces
"This is the new Spoon!" as he shows off his uber-cool vintage tee
shirt with Animal from the Muppet’s on it saying "Want Woman!" (subtle,
right?)  Mystery says "From top to bottom, if you were in a club, you’d
be your own person."  As opposed to what?  Being Gay Joe?  Some other
person?  I still think he could have used a pair of awesome goggles.

Last, but not least, Tubby Joe waddles in, showing off his new
frat-boy look.  Unfortunately, it’s covering his new silky smooth back,
so Matador hates it.  His hair has blond stripes so J-Dog is jealous.
Mystery says he needs to go more Mafia and look like a "strip club
owner."  The fact that Tubby Joe already has a droopy eye and fake
tooth would suggest he’s already 90% there.  Over-all, I don’t think he
looks too bad, but big guys don’t look good with too many layers of
clothes on.  Matador can’t resist calling the poor guy fat to his face
and kicking his self-esteem down lower than it is.  (Way to go, El
Matador!)

After all is said and done, Mystery and his wings concur that the
guys took the exercise too far and looked clownish, so they choose the
least embarrassing guy to win.  So the winner is – SPOON!

Spoon is so excited at winning, he puts on his blank-stare face.  I
can’t tell if he’s happy he won, or scared shitless that he’ll have to
interact with a real, live woman.  Probably a little of both.

Now it’s time for Mystery to teach the guys some actual, practical theory – namely opening.

This is a subject every aspiring ladies man should be aware of.
Click Here to check out everything you need to know about Opening.

Mystery tells the guys that whoever can open a set tonight wins
immunity to elimination.  Now it’s time to practice.  Mystery tells the
guys the key to approaching is to "Not Creep Them Out."  Unfortunately,
it would seem most of the guys don’t get this simple concept, as
evidenced later in the show.

So while the guys start opening each other, our boy Spoon is sent
off to meet the girl he won.  Poor Spoon’s shyness starts becoming
endearing and I find myself rooting for the guy.  I’m hoping he makes
it all the way to Master PUA.

When Tara shows up, poor Spoon looks like he’s going to shit
himself.  Tara is, for lack of a better word – hot.  She does her best
to make Spoon feel comfortable.  But all he can seem to do is smile at
her dumbly and say "Me Chinese!"  (Okay, he didn’t say that, but he
SHOULD have!)

Tara is a girl who knows the game and seems determined to help Spoon
out. So after defending Mystery as the guy who DOESN’T teach guys how
to get laid (owch!), she starts in teaching Spoon how to open chicks.
Tara says Spoon is a "Total Sweetheart" (translation:  "I would never
sleep with him.").

So the guys start their openers – of course ruining all the best
openers most of the guys in the community use by exposing them on
national TV.  Bye-bye jealous girlfriend and dental floss!  It was nice
knowing you!

Pradeep tries to help the seduction community out by coming up with
his own opener about shitting your pants.  Nice hustle buddy!
Unfortunately, J-Dog prevented great TV from happening when he told
Pradeep NOT to use that opener in club.  Damn him and his striped
hair!!!

Then we get treated to Steve the Stutterer getting hung up on the
word BOOBIE.  That almost makes up for not getting to see Pradeep use
his pants-shitting opener in a real club.  Almost – but not quite.

Back to poor Spoon as Tara plays with his poor, fragile ego.
However, Spoon actually gets to be a cool guy when he starts relaxing
around her.  I’m rooting for Spoon by now.  This guy is awesome.

So after the guys sit down to learn their openers, it’s time to hit the club.

Spoon tells the camera that Tara basically gave him the same advice
you can get from watching the movie Swinggers, something about being an
animal and killing women.  I don’t remember…

Alvaro wants to prove himself to Mystery since he didn’t approach
before.  He now says that the old pussy Alvaro died, and he is now
Cosmo… only with a K, so he can be cooler than all the other Cosmos
out there.

One by one, all the boys enter a new club to practice their
openers.  The object is to open a set.  The guy who opens the most sets
the best wins.

Steve the Stutter is up first.  The entire time I’m watching, I’m
praying to God and the lord Baby Jesus that he tries to say BOOBIES
again.  Unfortunately the lord is deaf to my prayers.  Steve approaches
fearlessly, and delivers a solid opener, but his voice is too low and
his stuttering is too bad.  The girls brush him off, but he tried. Way
to go Steve!

Now it’s Brady’s turn.  Brady does a pretty good job, and effortlessly opens the set.  Mystery and the boys are impressed.

45YOV storms into the club looking like he wants to rape somebody.
Thankfully, he’s doing it without his New Kids On The Block gear.  He
charges right up to a girl and instantly forgets his opener.  So he
improvises and makes some awkward conversation about 80s music.  The
girl is like "I wasn’t alive in the 80s!"  45YOV then leaves to go
drink his Metamucil.

Now it’s Gay Joe’s turn to hit on some guys – I mean girls.  He
struts in wearing his hat and plaid pants, and of course instantly
opens a guy.  To his credit, the guy WAS with a girl, so he’s actually
working on being Less Gay Joe now.  The girl looks like she’s in a
constant state of surprise about being asked if they would go on Montel
Williams show.  Gay Joe continues to explain how you can have a secret
admirer who’s really a DUDE! (Imagine that!)  However, it looks like
Joe and the girl’s boyfriend hit it off.  Way to go Gay Joe!

It’s now Tubby Joe’s turn to work his magic.  Although, he’s Strip
Club Joe now that he’s wearing his rather un-peacock like suit.  But
damn it all, if it doesn’t work!  Strip Club Joe is awesome and does a
fantastic job with his sets.  I’m not rooting for him and Spoon!  Tubby
Joe, you’re the man.  I hope you go far in the competition, hairless
back and all!  Before we leave Strip Club Joe, we see Matador proudly
proclaim "I taught him that!"  Then Mystery proclaims "I taught YOU
that!"  Then Neil Strauss shows up out of nowhere and screams "And I taught
YOU that!" and laughs evilly before walking off with two hot chicks.

Now we have Kosmo who rolls into the club.  He walks up to the first
set he sees and loudly proclaims he’s about to bust-a-move and teach
these fools some old school shit.  Mystery and the boys start hatein’
as Kosmo "brings it."  He then continues to "bring it" to every set he
opens.  You’d think he was trying to save an orphanage by breakdancing
his way to the $50,000 Mystery promised the winner – but that would be
the plot of a dumb movie and not some dumb VH1 reality show, so instead he
just gets ignored by lots of girls.

That doesn’t stop Kosmo from thinking he’s absolutely amazing and
the coolest things since wonderbread.  But you know what?  This is a
guy who approached NO WOMEN the first night, and now he’s walking up to
chicks and talking to them.  Huge improvement.  He may still have a
ways to go, but much respect for Kosmo!

Pradeep is up next.  He continues to be annoying with situational
openers – trying to ride on Kosmo’s breakdancing because… well,
obviously it worked so well for Kosmo.  Pradeep claims he’s much better
being improptu, as is evidenced by his brilliant pants shitting opener.

Now we have the man of the hour – SPOON!  But oh no!  Something is
terribly wrong.  Spoon starts looking around the club like a lost
child, tears welling in his eyes.  Approach anxiety is getting the
better of him as he has ‘Nam Flashbacks to the night before when girls
rejected him.  He runs from the clubs into the loving arms of Mystery,
Matador, and J-Dog.

They sit him down and try to be helpful by saying psychologist-approved things like "How
are you feeling right now?"  Spoon starts crying and sharing his
insecurities.  Mystery and the boys are of no help, though, and look very uncomfortable being so close to a crying Chinaman.  To their credit, they try
their best to motivate him.  But Spoon is conflicted.  Eventually,
Spoon leaves to give it another shot.

He walks into the club, and… does his openers!  Cue the music, and – Yay SPOON!

The boy overcame his fear.  Much respect.  I love our boy Spoon.
There’s no WAY he can get kicked off now!  Unless something really
dramatic and unexpected happens…

Anyway, Spoon whines some more and leaves the club again.  I think
his new piercings probably got infected, causing him to feel overly
emotional.

Now it’s time for Mystery to declare the winner of the Field Test.
And the winner is… TUBBY JOE!  And now in a surprise twist, Joe gets
to pick two other guys to be his wingmen and stay safe through the
night’s elimination.

Back at the house, Mystery holds the first
Tribal Council.  Before the eliminations begin, Mystery displays his
special PUA PENDANTS which symbolizes their level of progression from
AFC to mPUA.  The first pendant is the white one.  Whoever gets a
pendant is safe.

Tubby Joe picks Brady and Kosmo to be his wingmen.  The boys take their
pendants and go to leave, but not before Mystery and Matador hate on
Kosmo’s breakdancing.  Kosmo tries to defend his moves, and Matador
calls him "Pathetic, needy and quite tacky."  It’s a little hard to
take that comment seriously coming from a guy sitting next to someone
with a giant furry hat and lipstick on his neck.  At least no one’s
wearing goggles this time around.

Mystery says Gay Joe looked like he was on some type of drug.  "It’s
called SEMEN!" Joe proudly exclaims.  Mystery gives him a strange look
before moving on to Pradeep.  Mystery confuses him with prophetic lines
like "You’re not intimidated by the world… and yet, you ARE."  Um…
okay.  Right now I expect Mystery to go into a rant about female
grouses in the wild, but luckily that doesn’t happen. 

45YOV gets lectured on not knowing his openers.  45YOV mumbles
something about memorizing shit before Mystery was even a stain on his
daddy’s sheets.  Mystery claims Spoon is trapped by his humanity, and
that he’s not a special snowflake.  Spoon starts to cry "I am!  I am a
special snowflake!  A CHINESE snowflake!"

When it comes to Scott the Stutterer, Mystery pretty much tells him
he’s a loser unless he asserts himself.  Scott then stutters the word
"BOOBIES" and flicks his blue hair towards J-Dog in a challenging
fashion.

So Gay Joe, Scott the Stutterer, and Pradeep are safe.  That leaves
us with 45YOV and our boy Spoon.  I had $5 riding on 45YOV being the
one voted off (we all know Mystery hates old guys), so I was confident in my victory.

Mystery then dramatically announces "One of you will be leaving."
Then, Spoon raises his hand and shouts "I want to be that person!"

Gasp!  Shock! OMG!!!!

Mystery, Matador, and J-Dog are shocked speechless.  It makes no
sense!  He’s not gay, doesn’t breakdance, and isn’t an annoying indian
guy!  How could he want to quit?

Well, he does, so Mystery awards the final PUA pendant to 45YOV.  You
can tell Mystery wasn’t happy about that.  He was probably looking
forward to not having to smell the Ben Gay on 45YOV whenever he was
around.  So it’s "Game Over" for Spoon, who walks out of the house to
go back to China, or wherever he came from.

I was sad because I really liked Spoon.  If anyone needed the help of
the Seduction Community, it was Spoon.  He had a lot of potential, just
a few inner game issues he had to deal with.  This is my biggest
problem with the show – someone like Spoon should never be in the
position to quit.  He should have been worked with and guided through
his sticking points.  So instead of being a happy guy who can get laid,
he’s just a dude who gives Asian Playboys everywhere a bad name.

The previews for next week’s show are also horrible.  First of all,
Mystery makes them babysit a bunch of kids.  This is so not a real
lesson in PUA, it ain’t even funny.  Obviously, this is something
reality show writers came up with as a lame challenge.  It’s pretty
much a waste of the contestant’s time, and the viewers.

Also, they begin promo-ing the backstabbing.  Sigh.  These guys
shouldn’t be backstabbing each other.  The seduction community is a
support group.  These guys need to be helping each other overcome their
sticking points, not plotting to get someone kicked off.  It’s like a
bad version of Project Hollywood.  If you want drama, pop Tyler Durden
in there.  Lord knows he’s been looking for the title of Master Pick Up
Artist long enough.

Again – I’d like this show much better if it was about helping guys
out rather than exploiting them for TV.  The reality show format is
just counter-productive to the real teachings Mystery developed.  Spoon
is a prime example of that.  A great guy who got shafted because the
show wants drama instead of personal success.

If you ask me, the drama of watching these guys succeed or fail with women is enough for me.

Spoon, if you’re reading this, feel free to email me.  I’d be happy to help you work through whatever it is you’re going through.

Until next week… this is Thundercat, wishing you success!