One-Itis
May 28, 2004 by Thundercat
Filed under Tips & Tricks
We’ve all been there and done it before. The dreaded “One-Itis,” otherwise known as the ailment of liking that “One Special Girl” and wanting her more than any other woman on earth. A want so intense, that it’s actually painful.
This is probably the single leading recruiter of men to the PUA community across the world.
Well, Tyler Durden has decided to tackle the subject of the vile & dreaded “One-Itis” in a recent post of his on the Advanced board of mASF. It’s rather long, but it’s a good article. For all you guys out there suffering from the “one woman” syndrome, I suggest you check it out.
Tyler Durden writes:
I learned the game for many reasons, but among them was to avoid the feeling of nasty mental masterbation type one-itis. I remember growing up, going through this endlessly for girl after girl. In many ways, I learned the game not for the pleasure of getting lots of girls, but to avoid the unpleasant feeling of obsessive oneitis. I am probably uncapable of getting that kind of one-itis anymore, because much of it was rooted in neediness. The most intense I’ve had is maybe 10% of what I used to feel. Yet still, I am sitting here right now again, having to admit to myself: I have oneitis.It’s funny, because I’m so socially conditioned to find this to be a pleasant feeling. I should be happy right now. But really, I don’t have the solutions that other guys do anymore. I can’t go out and find the novelty of nailing ten other girls. The reason why is that one-itis is chemically based (read The Alchemy of Love and Lust if you’re interested), and by hooking up with other girls you basically just flush out those chemicals. All the new chemicals replace and flush out the old ones. For me, my body is chemically accustomed to sexual variety so I do not have that option anymore. At the same time, I’m pretty immune to hard cases of oneitis now, so this is still a much better standing position. I am also on full autopilot with girls. Oneitis doesn’t fuck my game up. I’ll still run the same game, so it won’t hurt me tactically like it used to.
I live well and generally feel pretty good, despite that I am stressed from being overworked. Really I am in a constant state of depression, that I avoid by keeping busy and manifesting that energy in a positive way. But its something that I’ve learned to deal with over the years, and it hasn’t affected me negatively in a long time. I like having things to do. It gives me focus and a feeling of purpose and progress.
When I have oneitis though, I feel a feeling that is similar to a perpetual mild anxiety. I don’t feel that same progress and purpose that I normally do. It makes the sex hotter, and the time you spend with the girl more intense. But the rest of the time that you spend apart, I find it generally an unpleasant feeling. I used to find it pleasant, and would do anything to remain in that state. I’d backwards rationalize and lie to myself, to trick myself to stay in that state. But now I realize that really its not a good headspace to be in. It detracts from my focus both in my game and in life. It also elicits negative feelings that I normally don’t have, like jealousy and insecurity. Not badly anymore. Probably much less than almost every other guy. But I can still recognize the emotions as being present. To be honest, I don’t want to be in that headspace right now. Not even if I have the girl in every way that I want. In the same way that I don’t want to be drunk all the time, I don’t want that kind of distraction at this particular point in my life.
I think that a healthy and natural cycle for most guys would be to be in LTRs for 6 months or even a year or two while its still good and healthy, and then to break up and go out and have fun for around the same time. Not for me right now, because of the research aspect of RSD. But for most guys I think it would be ideal, and for me in the future. I’m not opposed to anything really, and have no major attachments to the player lifestyle. To be in a relationship that you want to be in and from a position of security and non-neediness seems fine to me. To be honest, when I hear that a long time PUA has not had a girlfriend for a while, I find it kind of unfortunate. I think that having skills with women will make you more secure in your relationship, and more attractive to the girl. But at the same time, I’m not at that point fully yet. I see some of the best PUAs acting like brats in relationships. Guys that I look up to, acting out of their heads and conducting themselves very immaturely. I don’t see myself hitting that level, but I don’t like feeling like I have to repress it either.
To me, not having one itis helps me to appreciate life more. It connects me to my surroundings because I’m clearheaded and sharp. I don’t bury myself into worshipping another person for what emotions they can provide me with, but instead I appreciate my life experience for all that it has to offer. At the same time, being with a girl more fully is part of that same experience, and its something that I want. Not right now though. I’m not in the right place. I want to travel and learn more. I feel like I’m still such a work in progress. I guess that ideally that never changes no matter what age. But I’m such a newbie to life and to everything that I do. I’m so incompetent compared to what I could be. I recognize that by how I feel right now. I’m wondering when she’ll call me next. If she’ll call at all. This girl has many options. I think though that nobody can do for her what I can. I’m completely out of control around her. I recognized her blueprint and triggered it. That’s why I got her in the first place. She’s addicted to it. I wonder if that’s enough though. Either way, I need to fully let go of the outcome. I had my fun, and nothing can take away that experience. Whether or not I stay in that fun state for a longer period of time is irrelevant really, because I appreciate the experience and don’t regret having it. It’s natural to want more, but unappreciative to feel bad about it if it doesn’t happen.
And of course, most important of all is that it is a numbers game. No matter how much I don’t want to acknowledge it in the moment, I’ve felt this way before, and I’ll feel this way again. It’s an endless cycle. That’s what got me here in the first place.
See? Even some of th best in the game are not immune to the “One-Itis” bug. But I think a real difference here comes down to “OPTIONS.”
So many guys who have one-itis are guys who have very few options when it comes to women. It’s like, they obsess over 1 girl because they feel that’s the only girl for them, where as a guy who can have TONS of girls, though he may experience one-itis, isn’t ruled by it because he has other options available to him.
We all know that Tyler has other women he could have or be with. So when he has one-itis, he can afford to wax philosophical about it.
I feel bad for the dude who’s 40 years old, still a virgin, and pining over his next door neighbor because she’s the only woman who’s thrown a smile his way in the last decade. Now THAT’S One-itis for ya.
Whenever I get an email from someone asking how they deal with that one special girl, I tell them to go out, meet 10 other women, and see if she’s still that “special.” That’s the best way I know how to cure One-itis.
You can read Tyler’s whole thread here.
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I hear ya… One-itis was a big motivation for me to get into the community and take the RSD workshop/seminar. It’s like I always knew in my head that one-itis was caused by my own social ineptitude and all I needed to do was go out and meet more women, but of course that takes a skillset so that’s why I came to you to learn. I can still see though how that would get the best of us, especially as your skills advance to your level and you’re consistently pulling 10s. I walked into RSD this weekend with a mild case of one-itis and can honestly say it’s cured. I’ll be out all weekend opening sets and running game – I CAN’T WAIT now that I’ve learned from you guys, and ironically the venues I’ll be working are where I met her, so this might get interesting. Thanks for your kickass info and for making me see how damn EASY it is to meet very hot women after all the time I wasted out there getting field experience but without having a damn clue as to what I was doing.
i love the feeling of love. i dont shy away from it, but i embrace it. its a great feeling. however, my only problem is that i love lots of women.
Svengali had a post on ASF about “MLTR” mulitple long term relationships, in which he describes finding the girl deep inside. Once this connection happens then its a feeling of intensity because the feelings run deeper. This is something that inspires me too and keeps me finding that true “one”.
One itis is cool as long as it doesnt destroy your relationship. I wonder if one itis comes of being restricted in choices or of the intensity of feelings. I think it comes from having intense feelings. Proof is that even this Durden guy has it, why? because what he had with this girl is more intense.
Why does one-itis get milder when we go out with more girls? I dont think it has something to do with the number of girls but more with the brain getting used to overcoming one-itis and with the feelings becoming less intense as we grow more experienced.
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