How Your Mission In Life Trumps Inner Game Problems by Doctor Paul
September 20, 2008 by DrPaul
Filed under Articles, Dr Paul, Guest Authors
It’s important to LOOK at yourself from time to time, and examine your mission in life.
Of course when we cover all of the psychology of personal growth in my visual system called mindOS, we learn about a little thing psychoanalysts call Observing Ego. This is the ability to take a step outside yourself, look back and judge how you’re doing in your relationships to others. Observing Ego is also the FIRST skill all human beings have to learn in doing ANY personal growth.
In fact, it is IMPOSSIBLE to grow, change, or evolve without this skill. And it is a LEARNED skill very few of us have the fortune or teaching to cultivate.
Many of you have also asked general questions about your missions in life as men. I know it’s a no-brainer that we all have “missions in life,” but really, how much time have you literally spent imagining, planning, plotting, and discussing your personal mission as a man with those who you might consider your teammates? Very few.
There is a term used in self-help circles called a “mastermind group.” To my experience this is a group of guys who support and advise each other on their lives, their projects, and their growth. All of this is a very good thing, and if you look closely at the community of men who get together to learn about what makes women tick, you see this same kind of phenomenon.
I just had an interesting phone conversation with a guy. He found me through the community, and while he claimed that his main problem was the very first steps of relating to women – approach anxiety.
This guy had been through all the bootcamps and seminars out there, and was frustrated in that he still had a problem even going up to women.
The interesting thing is that he had ALSO been to a therapist for “issues” with anxiety and even had some EMDR done for this (a type of therapy that is the world’s top technology in reversing unhealthy belief systems.)
So he took me to task.
“What’s wrong with me?” he said.
I told him that maybe there really isn’t that much so wrong. Certainly, EMDR could work away at negative beliefs about approaching women, but when it comes right down to it, a moment of COURAGE is absolutely necessary. In that moment there is no one to hold your hand and do it FOR you. YOU have to be the one to take action.
I told him that I sensed that he was falling into this pit of “thinking his way out of anxiety.” Which led me to propose what clinical professionals have all kinds of complicated language to explain. What ultimately I would have to simplify for him (and you) would be this:
THINKING cannot be a cure for anxiety. ACTION is.
The conversation with this guy made me think a lot of course, but we can take a little action right here.
What I realized is that he is right about BOTH the deficits of the community AND the deficits in professional counseling fields when it comes to helping MEN SPECIFICALLY.
Neither can be the other, and neither really KNOWS that much about the other.
Where on the one hand, the men’s community has great goals and really is supportive of guys who are ‘good with women’ hanging up a shingle and simply teaching their own homespun way of “being good with women” – what is going on amounts to purchased friendship. At worst, this is like boys teaching boys how to be men.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s great and admirable to help others with whatever great spirit and optimism you have in side. To be sure. But if I personally was going to pay someone a lot of money I would want something that isn’t as easily available as just going out with my male friends who are pretty good with communicating to women. That’s FREE to me and to anyone who has guy friends or wingmen buddies.
Why should I have to pay for that?
So I had to agree with this guy’s frustration. You can’t pick up books like The Idiot’s Guide to Psychology, and in so doing, envision yourself a psychologist.
Where our conversation got interesting though was when we then also turned to his own therapy and counseling. Websites are not the proper place to substitute for real, bona fide therapy or medical care in person. No way. There’s a reason it’s done in an office and a bigger reason you have to be licensed and accredited to do it. It takes skill, training and experience with REAL patients and cases.
However, this guy was also right that my own professional field tends to use a bunch of clunky terminology and overcomplicated systems and processes that get bogged down in bureaucracy. It’s a Byzantine system of delivery that is nearly impossible to introduce new innovations and ideas to.
What’s worse, the conversation with this guy made it ever more clear to me that in thinking of all the training and experience professionals get in their educations, there really is no specialized field called “men’s psychology.” My own field has a way of excluding men or even treating them as if the same systems and treatments that “work for women” ought to be equally as useful to them.
This is just not true. Men and women are quite equal, and yet different in how their psychology works, and what it needs to feel completely passionate about life.
Many millions of men are suffering for lack of specific attention to their unique needs, a call that to a large degree, my own professional field has not answered.
To realize that it is not only useful, needed, and beneficial, but crucial, primal, and urgent for a man to learn how to be effective with women – well my own field is hampered by stigmas and political correctness as to whether men REALLY need such a thing. They simply look the other way and mutter “men should be able to just figure that out. It makes them look like misogynists if they try teaching or learning that anyway.
Enter the community of men becoming a marketplace.
So on the one hand you have the utterly untrained trying to do the job of professionals (and failing miserably as in the case of this gentleman), and on the other hand you have professionals looking the other way and ignoring a very serious public mental health problem in society.
Add to all this that both essentially ignore the deep importance of having a mission in life as a man, which we thoroughly and scientifically address in my Mature Masculine Power range of products, and you see that even with both the community and therapists out there, we STILL have a massive unmet need to meet.
Which I think solidified for me today a little refinement of my own personal mission. I realized that I am a translator and interpreter between these two worlds – the men’s community and mainstream academia.
In fact, what we teach you at my website for men and the forums there amounts to an uncharted territory that truly blends the two.
One thing the guy I talked to really needed was an understanding of what it really means to be a real man, to go through “initiation.”
In talking about this we also discovered the importance in his life (and any man’s life) of having a TEAM of men who all have similar missions, and he was blown away by how my KWML tactics (King, Warrior, Magician and Lover) don’t just address spotting the right women, but also represents a technology of FRIENDSHIP – how friendship literally makes the world go ‘round, empowers not only your relationships to women, but brings together the very team you need to truly and realistically reach your life’s goals.
Your mission as a man.
The gentleman above learned that in getting COMPETENT professional help, and cultivating friends with whom to go face his fears, what was missing was a sense of “permission” to approach women. Now he could give HIMSELF permission.
This kind of insight only comes from the academic world which sees many hundreds of thousands of patients – but applied in a way that is specific, meant for, and only means something to MEN.
One thing is for sure. I stand behind a statement I make at every seminar: THERE IS A SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM. No matter your problem, you can always refresh yourself as you focus again on your mission in life. Women sense it within you, and you will start to also.
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As my readers have noticed, I’ve taken a liking to Dr Paul’s stuff. Not only is he scientific and a professional MD, but he’s always a cool guy to hang with, as I did in Chicago recently. His KWML stuff is trippy, it gets you saying “I wonder what personality type she is…” or “It would never work out with her, she’s a Warrior personality”. Guys can get there own personalities tested at KWML.com
I got to say, Dr. Paul is probably my top 5 favorite of all psychology related advice, and that includes AMP, Richard Bandler, and even some real psychologists.
He really did an almost flawless job of linking together all the major aspects of our psyche. I think learning his model from an academic standpoint could give any person direction in life, even if Paul’s specific techniques don’t jive.
As for the part about lots of companies, I agree the community is in its bubble phase where lots of “gurus” are coming up. They are all fairly similar, maybe one does something a little different than the other.
I spent a lot of time swimming around a guru and though I ended up getting little out of it dating-wise, it built a lot of life experiences and taught me what to look for in quality. It raised my standards in life. I won’t mention names as slander isn’t my thing.
But other dating teachers I learned a LOT from. So, I feel its all part of this wacky journey we are all on :-p
What I like about Thundercat is he fucking pinned the approaching concept, tooth and nail. That too is one of my favorite ebooks. Even though some guru’s get mad at Thundy for his old, out-of-control Blog, I think they didn’t take the moments to read his Art of Approaching book. They were probably too busy counting their G’s from spinning around club chicks
Anyway, thought I’d give ya guys a lil’ love
-BigSend
haha this guy sux in field. we saw him in chicago. didnt approach one single set. just walked around handing out his business card to dudes. fucking faker.
^ ^ ^ LOL….
I really enjoy Dr. Paul’s work, and especially his stuff about Observing Ego.
From what I have seen, Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) is more effective than EMDR in helping people overcome fears. I’m not in the medical profession, this is just my observation. Taking action is great, but unfortunately if people don’t have the tools to reduce their fear before they take action, they may get even worse results than before, which can become a self-reinforcing negative cycle.
What I’m still not seeing in the pickup arts (or maybe I just haven’t found the right place yet) is a really good integration of all the benefits of spirituality and the healing arts (inner game) combined with “right action” (win/win outer game). I’m starting to blog about all this, and I welcome people’s ideas and feedback cuz I’d like to see a world where men and women are consistently making each other feel amazingly good all the time
http://www.awakeningfromthedream.blogspot.com
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Here’s the dealio. Drop the ego and you’ll be fine. I’m not saying to let people walk all over you, but you still can’t let everything get to you.
Dr. Paul did a good job of explaining this type of thing to everyone. Good job once again.
Just be confident in yourself and you’ll get everything under control
i agree with erika, Emotional Freedom Technique is more effective than EMDR in helping people overcome their fears.
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check out this recorded bit from the rsdworld summit its way better than this old article.
Dr. Paul is a great man. Thanks for sharing this. Inner game is key to dating.
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