The Pick Up Artist – Episode 7 Recap: “Pull The Trigger”

Last time on the Pick Up Artist, everyone’s favorite Diabolical Genius, Pradeep, got his ass "Game Overed," leaving just three would-be pick up artists in the running.

They are:  Big Joe, Kosmo, and Brady.

The episode starts with Brady and Kosmo downstairs, hoping that Pradeep was the one eliminated.  You can tell they were pulling for Big Joe by such supportive mantras as "C’mon, butterball!" and "I hope Pradeep got his brown ass kicked the fuck out!"

Big Joe comes downstairs, and the now traditional "Post Elimination Hug Fest" (or PEHF) ensues.  Though Big Joe is safe, he’s feeling the pressure, because Mystery and the boys basically told him he’s plateauing.  "I’ve gotta step it up!" says Big Joe.  "As long as I can build up as much attraction as I possibly can, that’s gonna lead me to still be here!"  Okay, we’ll see how well that strategy works out for Joe later in the episode.

The next day, Brady asks Kosmo what he thinks they’re going to have to do today.  Kosmo then promptly AMOGs the dude by saying "Whatever it is, no hitting on guys, Brady."  Oh, SNAP!  He follows that one up by claiming Brady has "girl fingers."  He pretty much does everything but make fun of the size of Brady’s wee-wee.  Could Kosmo be playing mind games to psych out the competition?  Maybe he’s smarter than I gave him credit for.

Brady comments on how Kosmo is getting more competitive, and how he sees him as his only real competition at this point.  (And seeing how Big Joe has been performing lately, I can’t say I disagree with this assessment.)

Now Mystery comes back, introed by rock music, and this time around,
he’s not wearing ANY hats, or goggles, or vials of blood. He does,
however, have a big shiny scarf. (Gotta represent, y’all)

Today’s lesson is about how to pick up moving targets.  This is a
VERY difficult thing to do, speaking from experience, so it makes sense
they saved this challenge for the final round.  Though, it may be a
little TOO challenging, considering how much the final three suck at
it, but I’m getting ahead of myself…

So Mystery takes the guys out to the driveway to practice working on
moving targets.  Mystery goes into the dynamics of moving set
approaches, such as "Never open a set that’s walking towards you,"
"Don’t turn to talk because it lowers your value," and most of all
"Never say Excuse Me."

Now that the knowledge has been dropped, it’s time for the day’s
reward challenge.  The musical stylings of Keane magically whisk us
away from Project Austin all the way to the central pedestrian bridge
in the middle of town.  The challenge is to attract and number close a
moving target on the bridge.  The reward for this little exercise?  The
pleasure of having Tara as a wingwoman for the field test.

Now – this could actually be the best reward yet.  Having a woman
help you pick up other women is always an ace up your sleeve.  So who
will win?  Let’s find out…

As the guys head out to get ready for the challenge, Mystery
secretly disguises himself so he can watch his students and observe how
well they’re doing.  In a special make-up tent, Mystery magically
transforms his appearance into that of a hobo with a really, REALLY
fake beard.  Leave it up to Mystery to stand out, even when incognito.

So as Mystery blends his 6’5 hobo frame seamlessly into the
background, surrounded by cameras, he observes Kosmo first.  I notice
there’s no "There are no actors on this bridge" disclaimer, so maybe
there are a few hidden around somewhere waiting to pop out and fool us all.

Anyway, uber-competitive Kosmo starts off his challenge by
COMPLETELY disregarding everything Mystery taught him not two seconds
earlier, leans up against a railing, and tries to shout out his opener
to every girl who passes by, none of which stop for even a moment.  He
tries everything, and it’s just not happening for
the Kos.  You’d think a guy in such good shape wouldn’t mind jogging for a while, but I guess Kosmo is just being lazy.

Now it’s Brady’s turn.  Unlike Kosmo, he actually tries to apply a
few of Mystery’s teachings.  He’s obviously nervous, but at least he’s
actually moving.  He tries opening girls with iPods by asking them to
take out their earbuds, and is promptly ignored.  He falls for the
"Excuse Me!" trap, and keeps asking people where the "bats" are.  (I
guess that’s an Austin thing.)  Eventually, Brady does get one good set
with a very cute girl, but he can’t seem to hold her interest.  Maybe
he should take Kosmo’s advice and start hitting on guys?  Of course,
that didn’t work out too well for Gay Joe, so…

Now we’ve got Big Joe.  Will he follow his gameplan to get more
attraction? The answer is – NO.  Joe pulls a Kosmo and just stands
around trying to stop his targets with his annoying "Girlfight" opener
over and over again.  (Yes, he’s still using "George" instead of
"Jorge.")  Big Joe actually gets more interactions than Kosmo did, to
his credit, but like Kosmo, he can’t keep them in set.  Eventually, Joe
graduates to sitting on a bench , drinking water, trying to shout out his openers as
girls pass by. Eventually, he just stands there silently.  I guess this
is Joe’s definition of generating attraction?

"The moving target reward challenge BLEW!" exclaims Big Joe.  "It
sucked.  It sucked worse than a two dollar hooker AND Gay Joe combined."

Yes, the challenge did suck.  It sucked because it was boring to
watch, and no one won, which made it look like these guys hadn’t really
come that far at all.

Afterwards, Mystery still has his fake beard on as he’s chewing out
the horrible performance he just witnessed.  It’s kind of hard to take
him seriously with all that hobo-facial hair, but whatever.  You can
tell Mystery is pissed, and no one is getting Tara for the field test
tonight.  D’oh.

Back at Project Austin, the final three are all depressed about how
they fared in the last reward challenge, and about how they won’t get
to see Tara’s bazzooms again.  "I feel like none of us deserve to be
here right now," Kosmo cries.  "I’m like emotional right now, I don’t
know why."  Maybe all those hormones he’s been injecting are catching
up with him?

So later on, the final three gather for their next lesson, this time
Mystery is accompanied by Matador AND JDog.  And all three of them are
clad in some type of black leather garment.

This lesson is about "hired guns," or women who are hired for their
beauty – waitresses, hostesses, shot girls, go-go dancers, etc.  Now,
Mystery wants to teach the guys how to pick up the most difficult of
hired guns – exotic dancers.

The final three all giggle like schoolgirls.  Tee-hee, strippers,
tee-hee.  Then Mystery reveals that the night’s field test will be to
actually pickup a stripper!  "Without paying for it," Matador chimes
in.  Yes, that money is reserved for Tara and Leia only.

"I have never even BEEN to an exotic dance club in my life!" says
Brady.  (It’s true.  Otherwise, he’d know they’re called STRIP CLUBS.)

"These women are GAMERS," says Mystery.  "You’re gaming GAMERS."
Brady laughs like a school girl again.  Mystery reveals that they’re
taking the guys to a strip club named Expose (Now we know where they
found Tara and Leia… well, at least Leia.)

As a side note – I’ve actually BEEN to Expose down in Austin before,
so it was a kick to see it on this show.  That’s actually a great club
to try and pull from.  When I was there I picked up one of the hostess
girls, who was smoking hot.  If you like strip clubs and you ever find
yourself in Austin, I’d highly recommend that one.

Anyway, back to the recap…

So the guys go to get ready.  After reviewing his notes, Big Joe
makes sure that just enough of his massive bushel of chest hair sticks
out of his shirt before heading downstairs.  (And I thought seeing him
put on speedos was disturbing!)

Now it looks like Destination Manhood has been retired, and replaced
with a big stretch limo dubbed "GME ON," which the boys all climb in to
roll to the club.  As they do that, Mystery appears again in his
goggles and leopard skin to explain to the audience what exactly he
expects from the students.

Cue the krunk music as the GME ON rolls up to the club.  So it
appears there are no actors in the Strip Club, only hidden cameras and girls who jiggle their junk for Washingtons.
The boys walk in and take a seat.

Kosmo is the first one to be approached by probably the hottest girl
we’ve seen on this show yet (at least in my humble opinion.)  Kos plays
it cool, leaning back and relaxing as the stripper works her game on
him.  "Where you from?" she asks.  "I’m from Columbia," he responds
nonchalantly.  Mystery pops up in a window and remarks at how adorable
the stripper is.  "Now shut her down!" he cries out.  And Kosmo does
just that, rejecting the girl’s kino.  So it looks like Kosmo is doing
well.  What about the others?

Next up is Brady, who’s leaning so far back in his seat he’s almost
falling out of it.  A girl approaches him, and immediately Brady starts
ragging on her about being a stripper, which as you can imagine doesn’t
go over too well.  Brady seems to get way more insulting and full of
himself when he’s in "Game Mode."  Anyway, she doesn’t hang around long.

Instantly, Brady’s stripper makes her way to Big Joe, who goes into
his overused "Girlfight" opener.  Can Joe do better than Brady?  At first, it
looks like he can!  He demonstrates that he used to date a stripper,
and he’s funny and engaging and controlling the conversational thread.
Way to go, Joe!

Kosmo is still gaming the first stripper who talked to him.  He’s
leaning back WAY far now, and seems to be doing a good job with her.
Mystery thinks Kosmo has a good chance with this girl.

Back to Big Joe, he’s still running game on Brady’s sloppy seconds, but he’s got her locked in. 

Now Brady has a new target.  A very cute stripper in a schoolgirl
outfit.  Brady instantly rejects her kino, but the girl still sits with
him, making an effort to engage him, which Brady instantly meets with
the fantastic line "Where are all the hotties?  I thought this place
was supposed to be good Tuesday nights."  The girl looks like he just
slapped her in the face.  "I’m just joking!" Brady laughs.  To her
credit, the girl seems game and laughs it off.

So Brady starts engaging the girl, and finds out she goes to hair
school (I wonder if it’s the same school as the blond Kosmo talked to
in the pool party episode?).  The girl starts qualifying herself, and
Mystery picks up on it.  Things are looking good for Brady all of a
sudden.

Back to Kosmo.  Matador wants to see him pull his stripper, and to
his credit, Kosmo is trying.  He tries to number close, but the girl
can’t do it because she has a boyfriend (Oh if I only had a nickle for everytime I heard that one).  And just like that, it’s
OVER!  Kosmo ejects.  One down, two to go.

Big Joe is still working with his girl, but there is no semblance of
attraction there.  Big Joe just can’t pull the trigger, and he’s
getting stuck in LJBF land.  And just like that, he LOSES the girl.
D’oh.

Brady, however, is a different story.  He actually gets his girl to
CHANGE out of her stripper clothes, and go out to the limo with him!
Dude, Brady is doing great.  Inside GME ON, Brady is pretty much laying
down on his back with the stripper beside him.  It’s on like Donkey
Kong at this point, but Brady isn’t pulling the trigger.  He’s just
jabbering on about something.

"I think Brady is afraid of success!" says Mystery as he and the boys sit around watching Brady do NOTHING.
"He’s alone with an EXOTIC DANCER!" cries Matador.  "How much better
does it get?"  Um… being alone with TWO exotic dancers?  (Sorry,
couldn’t resist!)

So Brady finally pulls himself up from his uber-relaxed reclined
position and gets next to his stripper.  She’s just waiting for it, but
Brady looks half-asleep.  "PULL THE TRIGGER!!!!" Mystery and the boys
yell.

And what does Brady do?

He FINALLY pulls the freakin’ trigger!

With an "I don’t care," Brady starts making out with his dancer.  Way – to – go!!!!

Field test over.  Brady wins, and I’m sure gets a healthy case of herpes for his consolation prize.

So now it’s between Big Joe and Kosmo to see who gets kicked.
"Either of us could go home," says Kosmo.  "I don’t know what to
expect."  Gee, let me think… Kosmo who has yet to be on the chopping
block, or Big Joe, who’s fat?  If the history of this show tells us
anything, it’s that Big Joe is a goner.

But in the grand scheme of things, Brady and Kosmo are the only ones
to get any action in the show AT ALL so far, so it makes sense it will
come down to these two.

Back at Project Austin, none of the guys want anyone to leave.  But
it’s inevitable.  Now the tearfest starts.  Man, this is the weepiest
bunch of dudes I’ve ever seen on basic cable.  Every other episode
they’re crying!

Time for elimination.  Mystery has his furry hat back on as the boys all enter, along with a massive black feather boa.  Nice.

Anyway, at this point there’s still 15 minutes left in the show, and
I already know the outcome (because let’s face it, it’s pretty darn
obvious by this point) so I’m just gonna skip all the overly-dramatic
fluff talk and tell ya that yeah, Big Joe bites the dust.

Farewell Big Joe.  You did all fat guys the world over proud.

So the next episode of the Pick Up Artist is the big SEASON FINALE!
And the final challenge to determine the mPUA is for Brady and Kosmo to
actually TEACH other losers how to pick up women.  Yes, my friends,
even the mainstream show follows the long-standing workshop tradition
of employing unqualified teachers to help other men get good at picking
up women.  Nice to see VH1 is keeping the tradition alive.

Anyway, though I enjoy the show, they’ve gotten rid of all the
interesting characters by now, which I think makes the show a little
more boring to watch than it was when it first started.  I mean, Kosmo
is kind of funny, but for the most part him and Brady are pretty
vanilla.  I thought the two hour premier of Beauty and the Geek was
amazing, and actually has a lot more interesting male/female lessons in
it than the Pick Up Artist has.  If this show comes back for a second
season, I’d like to see a change up in the format.

Until then – see you at the finale!