The Pick Up Artist – Episode 6 Recap: “Bitch Slap”

So this time around, on VH1′s The Pick Up Artist, the producers really try to amp up the drama – unsuccessfully.  Could there be any less interesting rivalries on this show?  Face it – all the guys are WAY too nice.  Rock Of Love, this show is not…

So today we start with the loving embrace of Brady, as he returns from elimination.  Apparently everyone was shocked to see Gay Joe leave… at least until they realized he was gay, then they seemed fine with it.

Everyone except Pradeep, that is, who seems to miss his Sugar Daddy.  No sooner does he stop hugging Brady than he starts throwing a tantrum about them kicking off Gay Joe and keeping boring old Brady.  Way to score points with the front-runner, buddy.  Perhaps this is more of Pradeep’s diabolical genius at work?  We shall see.  Oh yes, we shall see.

Big Joe, being the only Joe left, vows to honor their Queer friend’s memory by giving it 110%, because if they only give it 90%, or 98%, or 99.9%, they’re slapping Gay Joe in the face.  (Seriously, they’re acting like the guy died!  He just left the stupid house to frolic in the land of milk and honey, is all.  Chill out fellas!)

Big Joe harps on how he lived in his parent’s basement with no door
again, but how he feels he has the tools to be a master pickup artist.
Though I admire Joe’s positive beliefs, the producers have already
selected a winner, and alas, Big Joe is not it.

The next morning, Mystery returns, as does his Top Hat, which seems
almost naked without the goggles on it.  He arrives to inform the boys
that he has a "special little treat" for them.  At this point in the
series, we know when Mystery says this, it usually has something to do
with the show’s resident cockteases Tara and Leia doing something to
torture these poor virgins.

And we’re not disappointed!  Mystery leads the boys up to a bedroom
(with a strange Neil Strauss-like picture on the wall, no less) where
Mystery covers the importance of being comfortable in the bedroom with
a woman.  Apparently, the guys need to know their way around the
bedroom so they can do better in the pick up.

Cue Tarra and Leia – whoring themselves out even more on national TV
- as they "host" a lingerie party for the boys.  (Apparently, "party"
in this instance means they parade their milkshakes around for a little
while as the contestants get boner.)

"I don’t even know what the 34 means in 34 C!" proclaims Brady, who
apparently knows nothing about women’s underwear.  And you never will,
Brady.  You never will…

I must say, Leia knows how to strut her stuff.  At the sight of her,
Kosmo’s boner pushes his notes off his lap with such powerful force,
Pradeep tries to worship it by pinching at Kosmo’s crotch (a move he no
doubt learned from his mentor Gay Joe!)

So the girls start educating the boys on the finer points of women’s
lingerie.  "I think it’s important for men to know at least a little
bit about lingerie," says Tara.  "Otherwise, we’d have nothing to do on
this show!"  Oh, how right you are.

Leia asks Kosmo if he wants to "spank" her.  Kosmo says "Oh yeah!"
Then Leia laughs at him.  I don’t know where they found this girl – but
she’s a freakin’ pro.  No doubt in real life she charges by the hour.
She seems like the type of girl who knows how to play guys like a
fiddle.

Then Tara starts talking about thongs vs. boy shorts.  "I don’t
think I’d ever want to see a boy in those!" says Pradeep, who had no
problem looking at Gay Joe and Big Joe in speedos.  But I digress…

Now Mystery re-enters to lay down this week’s reward challenge.
Now, each of the guys have to buy Tara and Leia lingerie.  GASP!  "I
hope you weren’t just looking…" says Mystery.  "I hope you were
LISTENING!"

Yes, in yet another shocking twist the Pick Up Artist is known for,
the REAL purpose of the lingerie party was to test the men’s LISTENING
skills.  Wow, what a curve ball.  Who’d have guessed they’d have to
have paid attention to what the women liked?  I bet no one saw that one
coming.

The reward challenge winner gets the privilege of having Matador as
his wingman for the field test.  "Matador, as a wingman, in field -
that’s probably the best reward we’ve ever gotten!" says Brady.
Actually, the best reward was probably when Kosmo had Mystery INSIDE
HIS BRAIN, but that might just be me.

So now the boys all head to a lingerie store.  Kosmo, of course, is
hopeless.  He can’t remember a single thing Tara said.  He can’t even
bring himself to pronounce the word "Va-jay-jay" in front of the store
clerk.  He ends up just being embarrassed trying to communicate what he
wants by pointing at his crotch. Apparently Latino’s are made for kissing, but not for buying
women’s underwear.

Pradeep, staying true to form, decides to just completely ignore
what Tara told him and pick out stuff HE likes.  (Seriously, has
Pradeep followed a single instruction the entire time he has been on
the show?)  But alas, he goes off looking for Santa hats because in
Pradeep’s world – that’s hot!

Brady seems to be hitting the marks with what he’s looking for when
it comes to Leia.  While he’s doing that, Kosmo gets introduced to the
concept of BRAS.

Kosmo picks up a pink thing.  "What is this?" he asks.  "Its a bra."
the store clerk responds.  "It’s a bra?" says Kosmo, dumbfounded.  "Uh,
yeah," says the store clerk.  "Oh, uh, okay," says Kosmo, even more
confused than ever.   He then proceeds to try and figure out how the
bra works by trying it on… upside down.  Maybe he should just stick
to breakdancing…

Big Joe, however, knows his stuff and is getting exactly the right
things.  I think out of all the contestants, Big Joe is most consistent
when it comes to winning his challenges.  Apparently, Big Joe is
"really into fashion" and is using the skills he picked up working at
Men’s Warehouse to pick out the right sizes for Leia.

Now the guys have picked out their hoo-has for the girls, and head back to Project Austin to deliver their gifts.

Tara and Leia start going through the gifts.  It seems like a mixed
bag (literally).  Pradeep’s red 80′s teddy gets a laugh.  Brady’s gift
is too small for Leia’s big ba-zoom-zooms, and Kosmo’s thong was a
little to small for Tara’s big ol’ padonkadonk.

So now it’s time to name the winner.  The boys file back into the
odd "Neil Strauss with a rose" bedroom, where Mystery informs them
"There is a woman behind this door wearing only one of your gifts.  One
of our friends is not too happy with your gift selections, so she won’t
be wearing any of your lingerie."  That’s a shame.  I was sure
Pradeep’s santa hat was going to be a real winner!

So out comes Leia wearing Big Joe’s selection.  Big Joe wins again!  He gets Matador for the field test.  Yay!

The next day, the guys are all chilling out, watching Big Joe be
goofy.  Everyone seems to be having a good time, until the DRAMA
starts.  (Or what passes for drama on this show, anyway.)

Then, Big Joe goes in for a "Fake Kiss" on Padeep, as he cover’s the
guy’s mouth with his hand and kisses the back of his hand.  Pradeep
reacts instinctively by bitch-slapping Big Joe in the mouth that just
defiled him.

(Now, had Gay Joe not been eliminated, I’m sure he’d have been all over this!)

Pradeep doesn’t even know he did anything wrong, not even when Big
Joe storms out of the room upset.  "I felt like I was extremely
disrespected," says Big Joe.  Well, in all fairness, you did try to
KISS the dude.  But whatever.

So lots of drama ensues, along with the dramatic music.  Big Joe and
Pradeep have a big confrontation.  Pradeep is sorry he slapped Joe, but
he doesn’t want to apologize, which makes Big Joe even madder.

"He does these things that just piss people off so quickly!" says
Kosmo about Pradeep.  Perhaps this is more of his diabolical
geniusness?  Who’s to say?

Big Joe starts bitching at Pradeep about how he told him he didn’t
like being slapped in the face.  "I wasn’t paying attention!" says
Pradeep.  "That’s exactly your problem!" cries Big Joe.  Duh.  It’s
pretty obvious Pradeep has paid no attention at all the entire time
he’s been on the show.

So Pradeep starts being a sarcastic ass hole by telling Joe he’s
"crying on the inside."  But Joe’s had it!  He wants Pradeep GONE!  So
he hatches a dastardly plan to subliminally brainwash Pradeep into
talking about various inappropriate and annoying subjects in the next
field test.  Will it work?  Only time will tell…

After the "drama" the boys all go to their next lesson with Mystery,
but it’s obvious everyone is pissed off at Pradeep.  Now, Mystery says
they’re going to teach the guys how to go from the attraction stage, to
the seduction stage, which really perks the guys up.

Mystery explains the concept of "Bouncing," which is pretty much a
new name for "instadating."  J-Dog fleshes out the time distortion
concept behind instadating.  Now Mystery tells them their objective for
the field test is to "bounce" girls out of the venue they’re in.

"I’m extremely nervous," says Big Joe.  "The last time I kissed a
girl sober was my girlfriend in jr. high school."  Whether he meant he
was sober or the girl was sober is anyone’s guess.

So the boys head out from their lesson and get ready to go
clubbing.  Everyone is prepping themselves for tonight’s challenge.
Everyone seems nervous.  Pradeep comes over to Big Joe and finally apologizes.  But it’s a little too late.  Joe brushes him off.  Things
are not looking good for everyone’s favorite diabolical genius.

The boys all hop into Destination Manhood to head for the club, as
Mystery dons his goggles and leopard skin jacket to explain his theory
of seduction to the audience.  The boys all show up to find Mystery,
JDog, Matador, Leia, and Tara all hanging out in the video van.
Mystery takes a minute to explain he wants to see the guys take a girl
from the club and go across the street to a cafe.  Seems easy enough,
right?

Big Joe, of course, gets the "benefit" of having Matador as his
wing.  "We’re gonna rip it up!" Matador proudly proclaims.  Well,
they’ll rip something, I’m sure.

So again we get the "hidden camera" disclaimer, and the boys go into
the club.  Matador and Big Joe enter.  Now, not only does
Matador get to pose for the camera, he also gets to pose for all the
girls in the club as well.  (Where is Zoolander when you need him?)

Matador starts pushing Big Joe into set.  To his credit, Big Joe
pops right in without hesitation.  However, Matador comes in and starts
CHANGING the opener Joe just used!  Dude – way to make your wing look
like a tool.  Wingmen are supposed to support each other, not step on
each other!  Matador totally came in and took over the set, beta-ing
Big Joe in the process.  Then, when the girls CALL HIM OUT on the fact
that he totally changed the story, Matador just sits there with a blank
stare on his face.  Big Joe, to his credit, ignores the flub-up and
goes right into a new opener.  Not exactly "smooth" as far as rewards
go, eh Joe?  (Then Mystery pops up in a window and says "Everything
seems fine."  Was he just watching the same thing I was?)

Now we go to Kosmo, who approaches a two set.  He does the jealous
girlfriend opener on the two girls, and seems to be doing pretty good.
He smoothly pulls out a chair and joins the set.  Good going Kosmo.

Brady’s turn now.  He walks through the club chomping like a cow on
his gum.  He opens a set of guys by asking them if they talked to any
girls tonight.  "Dude," they respond, "tons of them, and we totally didn’t even
have to join a reality show to do it!"  "Well," replies Brady," watch
this!"  Brady then approaches a nearby set with the best friends
opener, and locks the girls into set by moving between them.  Pretty
smooth as well.  SOME-one’s been practicing!

Back to Big Joe and Matador.  Matador looks to be doing well with
his girl.  Joe is, of course, left with the less pretty one of the
set.  Joe looks like he’s struggling in set.  Matador is right up close
with his girl.  Joe is an arms length away looking like he’s trying to
figure out what to say.  Matador pulls his girl away to isolation,
leaving Joe with his target.  To Joe’s credit, the girl doesn’t look
bored.  Joe, in fact, is pretty confident he can get his girl to
"bounce" with him.

And then Pradeep shows up.

Yes, just like a smelly fart, Pradeep ruins Joe’s set for him.

The girl instantly negs Pradeep on his wussified handshake
techniques.  But while they’re on the topic of hands, Pradeep starts
pulling out his "special gambit," completely locking Big Joe out of the
set!

Suddenly, Matador and his girl are back, and Pradeep continues to
ruin the set by antagonizing the girls and calling them "drunkards."
Not wanting to put up with any more 17th century insults, the girls
leave to get more drinks – only PROVING Pradeep’s accusations!  So, ha-ha.  (Honestly – why didn’t Matador do anything at this
point?  He’s just standing there allowing Pradeep to kill the set!!!
Some reward.)

"Wait a second, what just happened?" asks Big Joe.  Pradeep just
laughs maniacally like the Diabolical Genius he is and moves off to
ruin MORE sets in an even MORE diabolical fashion!  (No doubt that was
some small measure of revenge for the pool party episode.)

"I’m here for a purpose," says Pradeep.  "I’m not here to make
friends!"  Of course not.  Girls can’t be your friends!  And I’m sure
Pradeep will make this painfully obvious in a few short moments.

So Pradeep opens a new set with the spells opener.  He locks himself
into the set by stealing a girl’s seat.  What shall happen?  What will
Pradeep do next???

HE TALKS ABOUT UROLOGISTS!!!!

Yes!!!!!  This is the next best thing to the shit pants opener and
the marble in the urethra DHV!  There’s no way the girls could be
turned off by this!!!

I’m just waiting for Pradeep to offer them a free urological exam
when the girls get up and try to leave.  However, being the diabolical
genius he is, Pradeep thwarts this puny attempt to escape his advances
by FOLLOWING them to the bar!

Pradeep starts begging the girls to buy him a drink.  He offers to
tell them more stories in exchange for a drink.  (YES!  More stories!
What body part could Pradeep start talking about inserting things into
next?  I am SO hoping the girls cave at this point!)

Unfortunately, the girls say they’ll buy him one if he STOPS telling stories.  D’oh – DENIED!

Turns out the girls are diabolical themselves, and actually trick
Pradeep into waiting for their "drinks" while they make a quick
getaway.  Pradeep, however, still thinks he’s doing well.

Brady approaches another large set and plays the question game while
Big Joe opens a new set.  Matador comes in to handle the guy in the
set, leaving Joe with the girls.  (Too bad he couldn’t do that with
Pradeep, eh?)

Big Joe can’t quite keep his target occupied, though, and loses his
girl.  Matador takes him aside and says "You gotta start building some
attraction with the girls.  I’m engaging every one of your girls, but
you need to instigate the pull."   That’s always been Big Joe’s
problem.  He can’t quite pull the trigger and get past comfort.
Matador should have been opening sets, doing accomplishment intros for
Joe, and pushing him to move into attraction.  As it stood, he was just
hanging back and letting Big Joe drown.  So of course, Big Joe can’t
win the field test – even WITH Matador at his side.

Back to Brady, who seems to be doing well, until he runs out of
stuff to say and just sits there awkwardly.  Brady tries to get the
group to bounce with him, but he loses them.

Meanwhile, Kosmo tries to bounce with his girls.  He’s doing
everything in his power to convince them to leave the bar – bribing,
cajoling, almost begging… and it works!  Kosmo dances a jig.  Too bad
he doesn’t whip out the breakdancing. So he walks to the cafe with a
girl on each arm, feeling like a total pimp.  (Let’s just hope they
don’t ask him to buy them any underwear!)

So Kosmo wins this round.

Back at Project Austin, the guys are all preparing for elimination.
Kosmo says he "expects the unexpected all the time."  Does that mean
the expected now becomes the unexpected?  In Kosmo’s mind, I think that
makes sense.

The guys are theorizing that they never know who’s getting voted
off, but they hope it’s Pradeep.  I can save them the trouble – anyone
who’s NOT good looking, young, white, or heterosexual will be going
home, right as rain.  So yes, of course it will be Pradeep.  He sucked
ass in the last field test.

That night at eliminations, Mystery forgoes his standard fuzzy hat
with a bandana-wearing top hat.  I kind-of miss the fuzzy hat.  It’s much more intimidating.  Mystery
expresses his disappointment with the group on a whole before getting
into awarding the PUA Pendants.

Kosmo takes his blue pendant and leaves.  Now JDog comments on
Brady’s game.  He says Brady has had immense progress.  Now Matador
comments on Big Joe, and says that even though he did everything he
could to leave him alone with his target, Big Joe’s girl would leave
him.  Apparently, Big Joe’s attraction phase isn’t happening.

Now Mystery takes on Pradeep.  He says Pradeep is in set WAY too
long, even when the girls want him to leave, and that he’s oblivious to
it.  He says Pradeep needs to work on his listening skills.  However,
there was NO MENTION about avoiding shitting your pants or urology in
his pick-ups.  I think you’d have seen a 90% improvement if Pradeep
followed that advice alone.

So the next PUA Pendant goes to Brady, leaving Big Joe and Pradeep.  Who will go?  Who will stay?  OH THE DRAMA!!!!

Ahem…

I’ll save you the suspense – Pradeep is out.

Buh-bye.  Guess you weren’t diabolical enough, my Indian friend.
Before Pradeep goes, Mystery tells him he has a lot of potential.  Yes,
I agree.  There’s no telling what kind of openers about bodily
functions we could have gotten had he stayed a few more episodes.

In the next episode, there are only three guys left!  Looks like
they’re  going to a Strip Club, and one of the students gets some
ACTION!  Who will it be?  (We already know its Brady from the preview
at the beginning of the season, but whatever.  I’ve given up any sense
of suspense by this point.)