The Pick Up Artist – Episode 3 Recap: “Goldilocks And The Seven Virgins”

August 21, 2007 by  
Filed under Rants & Reviews


Another Monday has come and gone, and so has another episode of The Pickup Artist.

Last week, I was a little critical of the preview… well, I’m happy to say…


This was actually a very enjoyable episode.  The show seems to be getting better and better as it goes, which is a good thing.  And next week’s episode looks AMAZING.  (More on that later.)

Let’s get to the recap…

The episode starts off with 45YOV rejoining the rest of the crew to inform them how Spoon pussed out at the last minute and saved his sorry ass from elimination.  Gay Joe laments about how much he wanted to hug Spoon before he left, which is understandable, since Spoon is like one big, giant, Asian teddy bear, and Gay Joe is like… gay.

But Gay Joe doesn’t linger on losing his Asian love-muffin for too long before he begins to suck his sorrows away on a long-necked bottle of beer.  (how appropriate)

Big Joe begins to inform us that the competition is starting to get heavier now that someone’s been eliminated, trying to set up some drama which doesn’t yet seem to really exist in the group.

The next day, Mystery calls the group on the mysterious ghost phone which lies around all day and no one seems to notice it until it rings.

"Oh, let’s see who it is!" they all cry as they run towards it.  SURPRISE!  It’s… Mystery.  Who could have guessed?  You can see the disappointment on Big Joe’s face, as you almost hear him thinking "I was hoping it’d be the pizza delivery guy."  (DENIED!)

Mystery wants the crew to meet him at the Griffin School for the next reward challenge.  So "Destination Manhood" ironically ferries them to a place with nothing but kids in attendance as Gay Joe cries out "I’m Here To Leeeeeeeeaaaaaarrrrrnnnnnnn!"

The group files into the school library where Mystery is waiting, sans goggles or furry hat.  (The man looks almost naked without them!)  He’s not even wearing eyeliner for christsakes!  What happened to the Mystery we all know and love?  Oh, wait… he does have a vial of blood around his neck.  *whew!*  I was frightened there for a moment.

Mystery lines the men up and tells them the purpose of today’s challenge is to learn the subtle art of storytelling by telling a group of massively underaged girls the tale of "Goldilocks and the Three Bears."

This is actually a very well thought-out challenge, since telling stories to kids is a great way to practice the art of telling stories to women with little-to-no attention spans.  Mystery proudly proclaims "You can speak about absolutely NOTHING, but as long as you speak with enthusiasm, you’re audience will feel that too."  (Whether he was saying the audience would feel enthusiasm, or nothing, is anyone’s guess.)

As soon as the underage girls walk in, Kosmo instinctively grabs his crotch.  I’m waiting for him to say "Can’t touch this!" but instead he screams "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"  Boy, Kosmo is really afraid of ALL women, isn’t he?

Each guy gets 5 minutes with the little girls, and the most entertaining guy (as voted on by the girls who can barely recite their "A B C"s) wins a special one-on-one session with Mystery, where he will teach the lucky winner a special, super-secret "gambit" which he’s never shared (which is actually something he shares at 90% of his workshops, and a few message board posts, but I digress).

Joe REALLY wants his one-on-one time with Mystery.  So when he comes in to tell his story, his strategy to win the girls over is to actually ACT like a girl.  He’s not in the room two seconds when a girl with exceptional gay-dar for her age, starts calling him "boo-boo," which seems to be kindergarten slang for "wow, that guy is super into having sex with other guys!"

That doesn’t throw Gay Joe off, however.  He instantly raises his voice a few octaves, increases his lisp, leans back to show as much of his chest as his shirt will allow (in Mystery’s direction, no less), and act like he’s twirling his hair like some kind of blond ditz.  This now earns him the title of "Big Fat Biggie," which is another  bit of slang kindergartener’s use which means "You’re so gay, you’re like Babe Ruth’s gay brother – GABE Ruth!"  Damn, these kids are HARSH.

Next up is Kosmo, who may be drunk, considering he has lost the ability to pronounce words coherently.  Either this guy is incredibly afraid of public speaking, or he just really needs to go back to remedial english.

He then goes on to traumatize these poor girls with the most violent, messed up version of Goldilocks ever told.  It involves head trauma, nightmares, and bears shaving people’s heads.  He’s so bad at telling it, even HE doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about.  At this point I’m just waiting for him to break out the breakdancing, but sadly, he never does.

Next up is 45YOV, who looks like the type of guy the police are usually trolling for to keep AWAY from schoolyards.  For a guy who wants to be married and have kids, he looks amazingly uncomfortable in front of the little tykes.  One of the kids yells out "You’re really weird!" (which 45YOV has been hearing a lot from women in the clubs as well) to which 45YOV angrily responds "I’m a 45 year old man who’s never had sex!  What do you want from me???"  He then proceeds to weep like a woman.

(Okay, so that didn’t happen.  He actually spasmed around like different jungle animals for a while instead.  But that only made him weirder.)

So if the girls thought they were bored during 45YOV’s story, then comes Scott the Stutterer, in to show them what boring REALLY is.

Scott’s session doesn’t start off well, oddly enough like most of he sets!  Scott says the girls remind him of piranhas.  Scott reminds me of a wooden board.  The girls spend their time with him completely ignoring him as he talks – oddly enough like most of his sets!

Next up is Big Joe, who actually makes the story INTERACTIVE.  Now that Spoon is gone, Big Joe is my favorite.  He does a great job with the girls, and it’s obvious Mystery was impressed with him too.  Joe sums up the moral of the exercise by saying "The girls in the club aren’t any different from girls in school.  They’re all loud, high maintenance, and have a first grade reading level!"

Then comes Brady, who is so boring he puts the girls almost in a coma.  He’s almost as boring as Scott.  At first I had Brady picked as the frontrunner, but now I’m not so sure.

After Brady, Pradeep jumps in hoping to wake the girls up.  He runs in very high energy, and then invites all the girls to sit on his lap in a way that would make most teacher’s call the police.  So the girls all pile up on him, giving Pradeep more female contact than he’s probably received since he emerged from the womb.

The girls then proceed to abuse and beat up Pradeep like a weak little nerdy Indian guy.  The look on Mystery’s face as he sees Pradeep get pummeled by 6 year old girls is priceless.

When it comes time for the girls to pick the winner, Pradeep starts cheating by pointing to himself, waving at the girl, rubbing his nipples, licking his lips, and pointing at his wee-wee – all of which serves to make the girls who have yet to develop an attention span choose him as the winner.

However, I can’t blame Pradeep for this.  He seems to understand that girls naturally gravitate to the shiniest object available to them, so he was just using that to his advantage as most pick up artists would in a normal situation.  In fact, I’d even go so far as to say it was very clever of him.  However, it did piss off the rest of the guys who didn’t think he deserved to win.

Back at the house, Pradeep walks around bragging about his win.  The other guys call him on his shit, and Pradeep proudly admits to it, and is then confused as to why he’s getting on everyone’s nerves.  Kosmo refers to him as n "Diabolical Genius."  (We’ll see just how much of a genius he is later on in the show.)

Pradeep then gets his one-on-one with Mystery where he learns Mystery’s "Spell of Attraction" gambit (His "do you believe in spells" routine is a REALLY old one).  This is something that is supposed to give Pradeep a competitive edge, but he’s such an evil genius, he doesn’t even bother to USE IT in this episode.

Next up, Mystery, J-Dog, and Matador all gather with the crew for some seminar time.  Now, Mystery decides to teach them about DHVs and NEGs.

I thought this part of the show was really good, and this is where Mystery really shines – when he’s teaching.

Mystery’s big piece of advice is "Be interesting, and the girl will be interested."  Wow, very deep stuff.  =)

After Mystery’s lesson, the group splits up to train with J-Dog and Matador.

J-Dog is off with Big Joe and Gay Joe.  Instinctively, he pretends Gay Joe is the woman in a set – a role which Gay Joe seems well suited for.

Matador demonstrates a NEG by ever-so-gently caressing Pradeep’s face.  He then proceeds to bitch-slap Kosmo for being dumb – er, ah, I mean "creative."

J-Dog shows Gay Joe the "de-seating" DVH.  Gay Joe loves it because he gets to touch J-Dog’s silky-smooth English hands.

As the guys start learning their DHVs, Scott the Stutterer goes off on his own to practice his routines on plant life. (No, seriously, this isn’t a joke.  He really does.)  Talking to a stationary cactus tree, Scott says "You and me, we won’t get along.  We’re too much alike."  He couldn’t be more wrong.  That cactus tree is WAY more interesting than Scott.

Before the crew gets ready to leave for the clubs, 45YOV nervously tries to remember his openers, routines, DHVs, and any other acronym they may have been taught.  Apparently Alzheimer’s has set in, in his old age.  Big Joe tells him to relax, but it’s obvious 45YOV is out of his element.

As they boys get into Destination Manhood to go off to the clubs, Mystery appears again in leopard print coat and goggles (yes!) to explain the purpose of tonight’s challenge to the audience.

The twist tonight?  The crew has to go after getting a girl’s PHONE NUMBER!!! (cue dramatic music)

Then we get the dramatic shots of hidden cameras talking about how there are no actors in the club.  I almost wish there were, because maybe we’d get to see some hot women in this episode.  But alas, no.  Would it KILL Dell to hire some attractive women?  C’mon!

First in the door is my man BIG JOE.  He enters with confidence, executes a good opener, and gets into set effortlessly.  Way to go JOE!

After Big Joe comes Gay Joe.  He instantly goes in with the right openers, DHVs,  and routines.  He actually does extremely well.  Unfortunately, all the girls STILL think he’s gay (which is why the guy in the set doesn’t feel threatened by him being there).  Regardless – props to you Gay Joe!  Ya did will.

Next up are Brady and Scott the Stutterer – otherwise known as "Boring" and "Please God Someone Shoot Me."

Brady walks in giving the girl’s the Yosemite Sam finger point, which was patented by Jersey Guys in the 80s.  Scott the Stutterer, to his credit starts opening sets right away, using his DHVs and Routines.  He’s not smooth yet, still shy, and a little stiff – but the improvement from the first episode is remarkable.  Scott may not be there yet, but he’s come a long way in a short time.  There may be hope for him yet.

Brady on the other hand looks like he’s taken a step backward in his development.  He walks around the club awkwardly, not approaching, and when Scott helps him into set, he doesn’t use any routines at all and starts boring the girls worse than he did when he was telling his version of Goldilocks.  Matador says he’s just getting by on his looks at this point – but even his looks don’t seem to help him as the girls start ignoring him.  Owch!  To Brady’s credit, though, he does try and get some work by giving out his business card.  I hope he at least gets something from that embarrassing performance!

Now comes Kosmo, who kills the "who lies more opener" before butchering the "C vs. U" routine.  He then goes on to demonstrate DLVs as he NEGs himself into the ground.  Apparently, poor old Alvaro is still in there somewhere, making Kosmo a freakin’ lame-o.  Well, at least he’s TALKING to women.  I still miss the breakdancing, though.

Then come 45YOV and Pradeep.  45YOV just looks more out of place than ever, walking around looking like he’s wearing an invisible arm sling.  He then proceeds to open sets by flailing his arms around wildly like he’s trying to use sign language to communicate to the women that his diet is lacking in fiber.

Mystery loudly proclaims "This is how you DON’T pick up!"  Ah, but he has yet to see… PRADEEP!

As 45YOV takes a page from Brady’s book and tries to make a buck from the failing set by selling them furniture, Pradeep approaches, who again starts rambling by saying "How do you know, who you know?  You know?"


The girls obviously aren’t interested, but 45YOV and Pradeep are oblivious to the fact as they trudge on valiantly.  45YOV asks the girls to make a seat for Pradeep, who instantly cuts 45YOV out of the set he opened by sitting in front of him, and then bashing him to the girls.

By the time they eject, 45YOV asks Pradeep how they’re doing.  Pradeep, for the first time in the show, actually says something CORRECT by responding "Horrible."

Back outside, Mystery bitch-slaps the group for their over-all poor performance.  No one got a phone number, and most of them didn’t use the proper material.  Mystery makes it a point to pick on Pradeep (Hey, at least he didn’t tell a story about someone shitting themselves!  I call that improvement.), before proclaiming Gay Joe the winner of the Field Test.  Gay Joe now gets to choose two others to protect from Elimination.

Back home the next day, everyone looks depressed.  They’re all packing up, preparing to be sent home.  Pradeep especially is feeling the heat.  He knows he messed up, and he has a feeling his head is on the chopping block.

So being the "diabolical genius" he is, he concocts an ingenious plan to go to Gay Joe and ASK him to help him out by giving him immunity.  (Seriously, the level of intellectual sophistication here is amazing.)

Gay Joe acts all bitchy, until Pradeep allows him to ever-so-gently rub his head and give him a loving embrace.  Apparently, Gay Joe really enjoys Pradeep’s company and smooth olive skin.  Looks like Pradeep has his immunity, and he didn’t even have to perform oral sex to get it!  Yay!!!!  The look on Pradeep’s face is one of pure relief.

Now it is time for Eliminations, as Mystery awards the yellow PUA Pendants.  Gee, let me guess who’s going to be kicked off this time… could it be the guy who was supposed to get kicked off the FIRST TIME?  Naw, it couldn’t be that easy… could it?

Gay Joe declares that both Kosmo and Pradeep are his wingmen and therefor safe from elimination.

Big Joe and Scott the Stutterer are safe, leaving only Brady and 45YOV.  Mystery rags on Brady for a while before kicking the old guy off like he wanted to do in episode 2.  That sucks because at least 45YOV was more interesting to watch than Brady.  As 45YOV leaves the mansion, I can’t help but feel like the guy never got a fair chance.  He was in a young man’s game.  Older guys have a unique set of obstacles in the club – especially older guys who are virgins and have no clue what they are doing.

Next time on the Pick Up Artist looks freakin’ AWESOME.  Mystery actually gets girls to give the guys kissing lessons.  Finally!  Something that could actually help these guys!  45YOV really needed this.  It looks like the Field Test will be to get a kiss close, and it looks like Kosmo finally gets some action!  (And no, it has nothing to do with Gay Joe!)

So yes, I was impressed with this episode, and really excited to see the next Episode.  Way to go Mystery and Crew!  If things keep improving, you may have a real hit on your hands!

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