The Pick Up Artist – Episode 5 Recap: “The Crying Game”

Sorry this recap is so late.  I’ll try and get the next one up in a more timely fashion.

So on this episode of The Pick Up Artist, we go "after school special" with the highly charged emotional outcomes.

The show starts off with the crew waiting to see who will return from elimination – Scott the Stutterer or the Diabolical Genius Pradeep.

I guess no one really liked Scott all that much, because when Pradeep shows up, the boys all hop up, scream, and tackle him to the floor like a drunken hot chick on prom night.  The celebration ends with Big Joe smothering Pradeep on the ground with his massive man-boobies.  How loving.

"I’ve never been more happy to see an Indian in my whole life," says Kosmo. "The house just wouldn’t smell the same without him."

Apparently, everyone loves Pradeep, and are glad to have him back.  Big Joe says that as their family gets smaller, he has a better chance of winning.  (Sorry buddy, as much as I’d root for ya, the producers have already chosen Bradey or Kosmo as the winner, that much is clear!)

Then, after the man-love party subsides, Pradeep shocks everyone by saying he plans on pulling a Spoon in the next elimination and quitting.

All the other guys are shocked.  "But we just man raped you to show you our love!" they cry.  "How can you possibly quit?"  Gay Joe says "Pradeep is just being stupid."  Is he?  Or is he being… DIABOLICAL????

So the next day Mystery and the crew show up.  Today, Mystery has
traded in his goggles for his cowboy hat, and Matador has traded in his
long sleeves for steroids, apparently, as he shows off his massive guns
in the most subtle way possible.  (Honestly, who knew muscle shirts
were considered Peacock-ware?)

Kosmo is nervous about this reward challenge, and starts going through his miserable performances at all the previous ones.

To make up for last night, Mystery comes in and gives Pradeep a big
hug before getting down to it.  Mystery says that today’s challenge has
to do with expressing confidence with your body language.  At first,
I’m thinking they’re going to make them all wear muscle-shirts like
Matador and J-Dog and walk around town flexing their non-existent
muscles, but alas, God is never that kind…

No, instead, they’re going to make all of them walk around the pool in… wait for it… SPEEDOS!

(Supposedly, this will help them to be more comfortable with their
bodies and master their non-verbal communications.  I say it was just
to make me nauseous.)

Whoever demonstrates the best body language, wins the reward challenge.

When Mystery pulls out the first Speedo, the group has mixed
reactions.  Big Joe is loving it.  Kosmo is hating it.  Gay Joe is
getting turned on.

"I’m allergic to speedos!" cries Kosmo.  If only he were allergic to breakdancing, too.

Mystery gives Pradeep the red hot colored Speedoes right off the
bat.  The rest of the guys go about finding their own speedos to
display their personality.  Of course, we get to see just how
incredibly insecure Kosmo is at this point, since he’s INCREDIBLY
nervous about donning the skimpy swimwear.

This, of course, confuses Brady, who can’t understand why Kosmo
would be hesitant about putting on his swimsuit because he has the best
body of all the contestants.

(Of course, it’s obvious Kosmo is worried about showing off his tiny whang in national TV, but I digress…)

So while Kosmo is throwing his temper-tantrum about the Speedo, Gay
Joe hops into his zebra-print bikinis and Big Joe gets to show off his
butt crack to all of America.

(It’s at this point I decided to take a break at writing the wrap up
and did not get back to it until a week later.  Honestly, I haven’t
seen this much Man-Ass on TV since HBO’s OZ.)

Anyway, now Pradeep whines at how people can see his stretch marks,
while Gay Joe starts checking out Big Joe’ hairy ass.  According to
Kosmo, Big Joe is 280 pounds!!!!  But he seems to be having the most
fun in the swim wear.  I guess Big Joe subscribes to the "Fat Guy In
Little Coat = Funny" school of thought.  Only this time, it’s "Fat Guy
In G-String = Funny."  I feel like Patrick Swayze should come out of
nowhere and start dancing next to Big Joe any minute.

Kosmo is enamored with the confidence Big Joe is displaying.  "Wow,"
he says.  "Can I get what you have?" "Sure!" says Big Joe.  "Just start
eating lots and lots of McDonalds, and you’ll have a terrible body you
can start showing off to people in NO TIME!"

Now we get to see Pradeep fingering Gay Joe’s "butt line."  "Silly,
that’s a TAN LINE!" proudly proclaims Gay Joe, who’s uber-comfortable
in his state of semi-nakedness with a bunch of men.  (Imagine that.)

Finally, Kosmo freaks out and starts yelling at Brady "Don’t ever
look at me that way!!!!!" apparently having flashbacks to his creepy
uncle Elmer.  Good thing he didn’t see how Gay Joe was looking at him!

So eventually, Kosmo stops his bitching, and after what I’m sure was a
good half-hour session of telling himself he’s "money" in the bathroom
mirror, he comes out and starts running around in his speedos like
a meth addict on a binge, screaming and tripping and showing off his junk
for everyone.

So finally, we get to the GIRLS.  (Thank God.)  They’re all chilling
with Mystery and his wingmen by the pool.  Of course, Leia and Tara are
there, collecting their paychecks by showing off their goodies too.

The Final Five all emerge from the house in their swimwear, and
all the girls instantly start eying them.  "Uncomfortable,
uncomfortable, uncomfortable," chants Kosmo.  Well, now he knows how we
felt when we had to watch him breakdance.

"The Right Stuff" starts playing as we see our contestants start partying down with their skimpy swimsuits.

"People pretty much saw everything," said Brady.  "And that water was REALLY cold!"

(The upstairs must have been really cold too, judging from the size of everybody before they got in the pool!)

Of course, what pool party wouldn’t be complete without Pradeep
showing off his diabolical ass crack?  Yes, that’s right.  More man
ass… just when you think they couldn’t POSSIBLY fit any more into
this episode!

The only one who really seems to be taking the speedos seriously is
Gay Joe, who brags about his zebra print speedos and how his butt
"really brought it’s A-Game" as he shows it off for anyone to see.

So now the interactions begin.  One of the girls ask Pradeep where
he got his speedo.  I was hoping he’d say some guy shit it out and gave
it to him, but alas, I have to settle for the story of how he was given
the speedo by a young navajo man.

Anyway, Pradeep starts getting his game on with a girl named KIM.
She seems to dig his indian gutch, and to his credit, Pradeep is
actually being pretty charming.  He even whips out Mystery’s secret
technique he won a few episodes ago.

But despite Pradeep getting some action with Kim, Mystery and the
boys are most impressed with Big Joe.  Even the other contestants can
tell that Big Joe is owning this challenge.

The girls are also impressed with him too, though Pradeep gets
kind-of pissed when his girl Kim starts falling for Big Joe’s gimmicks
and ignoring him.  (This coming from the dude who froze out his wingman
in set.  Sucks, don’t it, Pradeep?)

"I was almost there, man!" whines Pradeep to Joe.  (Um, no you
weren’t, buddy.)  Big Joe had no idea, of course.  In fact, he even
looks kind-of happy.  Take THAT you diabolical genius!!!

So after Big Joe steals Pradeep’s girl, we get to see Kosmo approach
a stunning blond at the poolside.  "I can hear her across the pool
talking about… my PENIS!" says Kosmo.  Actually, I believe she was
making fun of his penis, but whatever.  Tomatos, toe-ma-toes.

Anyway, the chicks starts giving hot blonds everywhere a bad name by
feeding into every stereotype imaginable.  She talks a lot, she goes to
beauty school, she’s got hair extensions, blah, blah, blah.

I guess the blond makes Kosmo feel more comfortable, because he
begins to joke with her.  He tries to NEG her by asking if her blond
hair makes her "ADD-out."  To which the blond replies in all
seriousness "Oh yeah, I have ADD."  Yikes!

Finally, Mystery has had enough and calls all the guys back up for
the challenge results.  Mystery congratulates everyone on a job well
done.  Gay Joe gives us a "junk jiggle" dance to celebrate.  (We really
didn’t need to see that!)  So the winner, not surprisingly, is Big Joe.

Big Joe is a testament to Fat Guys everywhere.  You can be out of
shape, and still do well with the ladies! (trust me, I know!)  So what
does Joe win?  He gets a new puppy!

Tara and Leia bring out an adorable little dog that Big Joe gets to use in the upcoming field test.

Now that Pradeep lost the challenge, he feels even stronger about
quitting.  He chills out on the couch in a self-pity party, so all his
friends try and cheer him up to convince him not to quit.

Pradeep’s logic is that if he goes, one of the other guys can stay.
(See, that’s his diabolical intellect at work!)  But the others want to
"earn" their positions.  Too bad none of them pulled this crap when
Spoon was checking out.

Big Joe reveals to us his story of living in a basement of his
parent’s house with a sack of potatoes, playing World Of Warcraft where
his only friends in the world existed.  And now look at him!  He can
totally show off his ass with the best of them!  Thanks VH1!

Despite all the love, I’m wishing they’d just let Pradeep up and
quit.  Let him go find the young Navajo man who gave him his speedos.
The dude is annoying.

That night, the men gather for their latest lesson with Mystery.
Today’s lesson is about "Day Game."  Mystery tells the story of how he
went to a grocery store, found a woman in the isles, and 25 minutes
later, she was in his hotel room across the street, naked.  Now, I
don’t know which I find more unbelievable – the fact that Mystery
actually went to a grocery store, or the fact that there’s actually
some hotel with a grocery store across from it.  Ah well, it’s Mystery,
so I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Mystery says people think Day Game is harder than Night Game, but he
says it’s just different.  Things happen more slowly during the day.

Now, Mystery turns it over to the Day Game master, J-Dog, who’s hair
is actually looking better now that he’s letting it grow out.

Finally, Mystery reveals that the next challenge will be during the
day at a Coffee Shop.  "Its time to take the training wheels off,
gentleman." he says.

So now we get the screen telling us there are no actors in the coffee
shop.  I guess maybe all the girls at the pool party WERE actors,
because they were actually hot.  I don’t think any of the girls at this
coffee shop were all that attractive.

Big Joe walks in confident with his doggie.  His dog is doing the
trick, but unfortunately, Big Joe’s openers aren’t.

Brady opens a good two set with the tried-and-true floss opener.
He’s then able to join the set.  "Lean back, lean back, LEAN BACK!"
cries Mystery in the trailer.  I guess Brady was able to hear him
because he finally leans back.  "Nice."

Gay Joe does a nice behind-the-back opener on a two set with the
"You guys feel like you may be in college" opener.  (What does being in college "feel" like, I wonder?)  Then he starts
talking their ears off with some story about his little sister going to
college.  You can see it on the girl’s faces – "Why is this gay guy
talking to us?"  Apparently, Gay Joe is trying to bore the girls into
sleeping with him.

Pradeep seems to have abandoned his shit pants openers and instead
is going for the "Whoa, what’s this?" opener.  However, it seems to be
working for him since the Arty Chick he’s talking to seems into it.

Now we’ve got Kosmo sitting by himself for a full ten minutes.  But
Kosmo now gets motivated and approaches the set with the cheating
girlfriend opener.  So far he’s text-book, but is lacking in any
charisma or ability to connect with the women.  Kosmo’s doing pretty
well until he tries to sit down with the girls.  At that point, it’s
like someone just ripped a huge, smelly fart nearby, because the energy
is totally gone from it.

Back to Pradeep, who seems to be the only one doing well in his
interaction.  The girl is totally vibing him, surprisingly enough.  But
now he runs into his first shit-test, as the girl picks up her phone.
But you know what?  Pradeep does well!  He doesn’t hang around, he
actually leaves the set to come back later.  Well played.

Back to Brady, who running routine after routine on his two set.
He’s doing well so far, but seems to be lacking any real connection.
He throws out his masturbation dhv, which plays out perfectly, but
Brady just can’t seem to escalate the set.

Pradeep re-enters his lone wolf set, and seems to be doing very
well.  And now, we move away from the Shit Pants opener to the Urethra
DHV.  Ah, nothing says "attraction" like a story about shoving a marble
up your dick!  That’s the Pradeep I know and love.

And the thing is – his girl likes it!!!  He may have actually found
the one girl on this planet NOT creeped out by him!  Amazing.  This
shit really does work.

Back to Gay Joe, who’s dishing the dirt on showtunes and musicals
with the ladies.  This, of course, prompts the girls to say "And you
are straight?"  No, honey, he most obviously isn’t.  No straight man
could love "Hair" that much.

Meanwhile, Big Joe is playing off the dog as much as possible, and
though the dog opens, Joe is having a hard time going anywhere after
that.  Maybe he should throw his speedos back on?  Fat ass crack is a
major DHV!

So finally, Pradeep gets a number close!  His lone wolf is new to
Austin, AND she doesn’t get out much!  Perfect!  SCORE!!!!  She’s one
ruphie away from sleeping with him.

Of course, in a shocking twist, PRADEEP, the whiny quitter, wins
the challenge and is immune to elimination.  Apparently, he only gets
to pick ONE wingman to keep safe from the elimination tonight.

What follows is the most emotional elimination yet.  Before Pradeep
won the challenge, the final four seemed to be set in stone.  Now,
someone important will be going home.  But who???

Brady is afraid it will be him.  He’s getting teary.  Big Joe is
worried.  He’s getting teary.  Gay Joe is curled up in the fetal
position.  Everyone is on edge.

Finally, it’s time to face the firing squad.  Mystery and his boys
await the final five.  Kosmo starts talking about how great this
experience has been and how much he’s changed.  The ass kissing is
obviously getting to Mystery, who starts to tear up himself.  Gay Joe
talks about how much he loves being gay, and starts to tear up
himself.  He may never have the chance to live with four other
strapping young men again.  Big Joe talks about how disappointed he was
in himself before he came here, and now he feels better about who he
is.  He starts crying too.

Awwwwwwwwww.  This is so sad.  Someone needs to start watching Rock Of Love to cheer themselves up!

"Now you know how tough it is for me…" Mystery croaks, choking
back his own tears so he doesn’t ruin his eyeliner.  Gosh, so dramatic!

But then, it’s back to business.  Time to kick someone’s sorry ass OFF!  *cue dramatic music*

In a shocking twist, Mystery reveals that the wingman thing was a
LIE, and that though Pradeep is immune, he CANNOT pick someone to be
safe!  *GASP!*

So Pradeep takes his PUA Pendant and leaves.  "Smell you later, Losers!" cackles Pradeep as he runs out of the elimination room.

The next PUA Pendant goes to Kosmo, who’s so happy he breaks down
crying like a little girl.  Perhaps he’s having flashbacks to his
speedo wearing days?

Now EVERYONE is crying.  Gay Joe is puffy faced and red eyed.  Tears
are streaming down Brady’s cheeks.  Who will be the one to be
eliminated?  Oh, the suspense!

Next is Big Joe. My boy is safe for another week!  Yay!

But now
that just leaves Brady and Gay Joe!  Brady is sooooo boring!  But the
producers love him.  Gay Joe is so much fun to make fun of!  But he’s
also very, very gay.  Who will go?  I’m betting it’s the Gay dude.  So
far this show has discriminated against Asians, Old People, and Nerds,
why not Gay Boys?

So now it’s down to two.  Who will survive?

Not surprisingly, it’s Brady.

Brady gives Gay Joe a big gay hug before he leaves.  Gay Joe takes his
frilly shirt and walks out of all our lives forever.  Ah, Gay Joe…
I’ll miss you.  Not in a gay way of course, but more in a "it was fun
to make fun of how gay you are" way.  I hope he ends up finding the man
of his dreams eventually.

I’m sure Gay Joe probably cursed the fact that he got holes punched in
his ears for this stupid show by now.  But ah well, c’est la vie!

Next week, it looks like the Top Hat is resurrected from the dead, Leia
and Tara whore themselves out some more, and Pradeep starts
bitch-slapping the other contestants!  (literally)