The Video Gamer’s Guide On How To Keep A Girl

We all know that guys who are into video games (like REALLY into them, who spend the better part of every day playing video games) seem to have trouble keeping women around.  After all, a man cannot serve two mistresses, and one will eventually have to go.

I recently came across a fantastic guide that gives the gamer-guys some fantastic tips on how to keep a girl around.  Check it out…

    1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better."
    This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

    2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
    If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this
    will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

    3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls
    are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

    4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she’s sleeping. If
    she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will
    show her you care.

    5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
    her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and
    every girl needs some improvement.

    6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then
    when she’s sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because
    jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

    7. If you’re talking to another girl, make sure she’s looking. When
    she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "**** you" and grab the other
    girl’s ass. Girls love competition.

    8. Tell her you’re taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she
    thinks it’s going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard.
    When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you’re
    really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she
    starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and
    whisper very quietly into her ear "…because I can."

    9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those
    special nicknames.

    10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

    11. Warm her up when she’s cold…and not by giving her your jacket,
    because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say
    "if you don’t stop bitching about the cold right now, you’re going to be
    bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

    12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she’ll have to go to the
    bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
    party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all
    night.

    13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
    Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn’t girls?

    14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she’s fast asleep, wait 10
    minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes
    home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

    15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

    16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give
    her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep
    down desires to be.

    17. Every time you’re in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings
    or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This
    way, she’ll go crazy.

    18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she’s about to order, interrupt
    and say "no, she’s not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
    that speaks for her.

    19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls
    love a spontaneous guy.

    20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on
    it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I’m talking
    about).

    21. When it’s raining, keep asking her if she’s crying. She’ll say
    "no, it’s just the rain." Ten minutes later, turn to her and just scream at
    her to stop crying. Girls like a tough man.

    22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

    23. If you’re listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her
    no. This way she’ll think you’re mysterious.

    24. Remember her birthday, but don’t get her anything. Teach her that
    material objects arent important. The only thing that’s important is
    that she keeps you happy, and your happiness is the greatest present she
    can ever get.

    25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas or just
    whenever, take it and tell her you love it. Then, next time you know
    she’s coming over on a trash day, leave the trash can open and have the
    present visibly sticking out of the can. Girls actually don’t like this one
    that much, but guys think it’s funny.

    26. If she’s mad at you for not calling her when you say you will,
    promise her that you will call her at a certain time of the day. This will
    make sure that she waits by the phone. Tell her when you call that you’re
    going to tell her a special surprise. Now she’ll be really excited. Don’t
    call

Brilliant.