David Shade’s Manual, Vol. 1
June 9, 2004 by Thundercat
Filed under Articles
Interviewing for High Self-Esteem Women
By David Shade
www.davidshade.com
I specifically interview for high self-esteem women. The most comprehensive discussion on self-esteem I have seen is by Nathaniel Branden at nathanielbranden.net. He articulated it well when he wrote:
"Self-esteem is an experience. It is a particular way of experiencing the self. It is to move toward life rather than away from it; to move toward consciousness rather than away from it; to treat facts with respect rather than denial; and to operate self-responsibly rather than the opposite."
He defined self-esteem as "being competent to cope with the challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change. It is the experience that success, achievement, fulfillment, and happiness are right and natural for us. It is a consciousness to trust our self. It strives for rationality, coherence, clarity, and truth."
He defined six practices of a healthy self-esteem:
1) Living consciously: Respect for facts, open to new knowledge and feedback, and seeking to understand the world and ourselves.
2) Self-acceptance: Realism applied to self. The willingness to own, experience, and take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions, without evasion, denial, or disowning.
3) Self-responsibility: Realizing that we are the author of our choices and actions; that each one of us is responsible for life and well being and for the attainment of our goals.
4) Self-assertiveness: Being authentic in our dealings with others; treating our values and persons with decent respect in social contexts; refusing to fake the reality of who we are or what we esteem in order to avoid disapproval; the willingness to stand up for ourselves and our ideas in appropriate ways in appropriate contexts.
5) Living purposefully: Identifying our short-term and long-term goals or purposes and the actions needed to attain them.
6) Integrity: Living with congruence between what we know, what we profess, and what we do; telling the truth, honoring our commitments, exemplifying in action the values we profess to admire.
"What all these have in common is respect for reality."
What we call high self-esteem and low self-esteem, Nathaniel Branden calls self-esteem and pseudo self-esteem. He defined pseudo self-esteem as: "trying to compensate for deficiencies; a pretense at a self-confidence and self-respect; the effort to protect self-esteem with denial and evasion, which only results in a further deterioration of self-esteem."
Pseudo self-esteem can be easily identified by: "the defensiveness with which insecure people may respond when their errors are pointed out, or the extraordinary feats of avoidance and self-deception people can exhibit with regard to gross acts of non-consciousness and irresponsibility, or the foolish and pathetic ways people sometimes try to prop up their egos by the wealth or prestige of their spouse, the make of their automobile, or the fame of their dress designer, or by the exclusiveness of their golf club."
Traits of pseudo self-esteem include: delusional, ignorance, denial, evasion, betrayal of consciousness or conviction, lack of integrity, grandiosity, fantasies of superiority, conceited (exaggerated opinion of oneself,) boasting, arrogance, and the victim mentality of blaming others. What all these have in common is the lack of respect for reality. But the biggest indicator is the angry denial of low self-esteem or the denial that self-esteem is significant or desirable.
I have found the following to be true of HSE women and LSE women:
LSE women are insecure and seek validation from men.
HSE women are secure in themselves and have nothing to prove.
LSE women have a bottomless pit of emotional need that can never be filled.
HSE women are self fulfilled.
LSE women will manipulate a man to make him meet her needs.
HSE women know exactly what they want in a man, and when they find one enjoy who he is.
LSE women are quick to obtain their man’s tokens of devotion, such as expensive gifts or immediately requiring a monogamous relationship.
HSE women are suspicious of expensive gifts early on, and do not decide that they want a relationship with the man until she gets to know him well.
LSE women would steal a man if it would give her affirmation.
HSE women are not at all interested in another woman’s man.
LSE women trade sex for attention and for verification that they are attractive and worthy.
For HSE women, sex is about sharing and celebrating sexuality.
LSE women respond to being treated poorly in an attempt to prove their worthiness.
HSE women expect to be treated well and respond only to that.
For a LSE woman, it’s not about the man, it’s about her own needs.
For a HSE woman, it’s about what her and her man enjoy together.
LSE women blame their problems on other people. They have the victim mentality.
HSE women assume personal responsibility for their own lot in life.
LSE women are motivated by moving away from bad.
HSE women are motivated by moving towards good.
LSE women must control others by manipulation.
HSE women see that as unhealthy.
LSE women are drama queens.
HSE women seek harmony.
LSE women have a warped sense of deservedness.
HSE women have a healthy sense of deservedness.
Self-esteem is formed early in life and takes years to develop. A woman’s biggest influence in her developing years are her parents, and it is her father that has the most important influence. It is through him that she acquires the ability, or lack of ability, to have an emotionally healthy relationship with men.
A woman who had a close relationship with her father when she was a little girl is what I call a ‘Daddy’s Girl.’ Her father was loving and caring. He believed in her and supported her. He taught her to be self reliant, independent, and to believe in herself. He may have even taught her how to throw a baseball or throw a punch. She thus grew up with a high self-esteem, a healthy relationship with men, and a good sense of deservedness. She is thus emotionally healthy and believes that she deserves to be treated well by men. Interestingly, she is also very skilled at influencing men and making a man feel emotionally close to her.
Her relationship with her father goes through stages. As a little girl, she loves him dearly and looks up to him. When the taboo instinct sets in at about age 14, she becomes independent from him and sees him as the biggest dork in the world. By the time she matures into the age of legal adult, she again adores him and cares about him dearly. But at any age, she always wants him to see her as innocent and pure, and she wants him to continue to be proud of her.
This is in contrast to another woman who had a condescending or absent father. Such a woman is incapable of forming a deep emotional bond with a man. She has a bottomless pit of emotional need that can never be filled. She believes that she deserves to be treated poorly by men, though she expects being showered with attention and material gifts. She is often spotted in the company of men that view women as objects.
Her relationship with her mother is also important. I have known daddy’s girls who had mothers that were total emotional basket cases and made very bad decisions for themselves. In those cases, the young women tend to make bad decisions for themselves. To a large extent, women tend to repeat the same successes or failures of their mothers. Such daddy’s girls display some of the typical traits of a daddy’s girl, but they make mistakes such as having no direction in life. The very best women are those who had two
good parents in a good relationship.
A Daddy’s Girl has a good sense of deservedness. Deservedness is what a woman believes she deserves for herself. She believes that she deserves to experience wonderful pleasure, and she believes that she deserves you. She will be your best ally. She will be routing for you.
The opposite is a bad sense of deservedness. (Note: everybody has A sense of deservedness.) An example of a bad sense of deservedness is a woman who stays with a controlling or abusive man. Therefore, one of the quickest ways to obtain much information about a woman is to note the men she
associates with. If the woman does not have a good sense of deservedness, you will be forever frustrated, your energy will be constantly drained, and the relationship is doomed. She cannot appreciate a good man when she’s got one. She will sabotage the relationship and eventually leave for some scum that she believes she deserves. If you aren’t a psychiatrist or a therapist, there’s not much you can do about it. And even then, it’s usually futile.
So, how do you specifically interview for high self-esteem? Don’t just ask her if she has high self-esteem. The low self-esteem women will insist that they do, and the high self-esteem women sometimes are modest about it. Instead, covertly look for the traits of high self-esteem. The first sign is if she has a hearty firm handshake and good eye contact. The most trustworthy sign of self-esteem is if she can take a compliment
well. But don’t ask her if she can take a compliment well, because all women will say they do. Instead, somewhere in the conversation, I will pay her a compliment and see how she responds. If she belittles the
compliment or down plays it, I know she has a low self-esteem. The compliment will tend to break rapport, as it should. But if she takes the compliment well, such as responding with a genuine "Thank you!" then it may be possible that she has a good self-esteem. The compliment will tend to increase rapport, which is what I want.
I will also get conversation to where we talk about past relationships. This gives me a very good idea about her sense of deservedness. I will listen for signs of how she was treated by her men. That describes how
she will be most comfortable. If she complains about how her men mistreated her, it is a very bad sign. But if all her men were very interested in her pleasure, then that is a very good sign. They are the women who will most appreciate, and best respond to me.
Then I will test for ‘Daddy’s Girl.’ Eventually in the conversation, I will say "You know, I bet that when you were a little girl, about 7, you had a very close relationship with your father." If she didn’t, it will tend
to break rapport, as it should. But if she did, then it always servers to increase rapport in a massive way. Usually she will ask why I say that, and I will go into my ‘Daddy’s girl’ theory. The Daddy’s Girls always love it. But the ones who were not Daddy’s Girls will go into a long illogical discourse attempting to explain why they nonetheless have a high self esteem.
There is a very simple formula for dealing with Daddy’s Girls: Do all the things her daddy did to her, plus all those things her daddy dreaded a man like you would do to her.
David Shade
http://www.davidshade.com
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Where did Yemeni coffee shops come from?
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In the Middle East, coffee isn’t a grab-and-go drink used to wake up with, but a social exchange. While coffee beans originated in Ethiopia, the earliest evidence of cultivation appeared in Yemen through trading across the Red Sea.
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The practice followed into the early 20th century and across the world, when the first wave of Middle Eastern immigrants came to Detroit to work in the auto industry or shipping yards, Howell said. Most immigrants were men who migrated alone, so one of the first institutions they created were coffee houses where they would gather to socialize, share news about their home country, and even write letters back home. Many of the initial mosques in the area were originally established in the backs of the coffee houses.
Yemeni men working in shipping on the Great Lakes “would work for months at a time and then have a few weeks off and then work again,” leaving them unable to visit their families back in Yemen, Howell said. “The coffee houses in the Detroit area were a really important institution.”
“Our mission is to bring everyone in one place and share history,” Ibrahim Alhasbani, founder of the first contemporary Yemeni coffee chain Qahwah House, told CNN. “That’s why we serve the coffee in a pot. People come inside the store and they share one pot and they can talk and they share different stories.”
A new chapter for Yemeni coffee
Contemporary chains are designed by a new demographic — the descendants of these immigrants who are bringing Yemeni coffee culture to the American mainstream.
The very first Qahwah Houses in Dearborn were airy and upscale, a familiar setting to patrons of established coffee chains. But they also brought with them Yemeni culture, with coffee beans imported from local farmers, artifacts from the region and the founder’s family tree on the wall.
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The most popular spot on a late Friday night in a pocket of Manhattan’s West Village isn’t a trendy bar or a Michelin-starred restaurant but a Yemeni coffee house chain strictly serving coffee, tea and pastries.
A step into Qahwah House on Carmine Street offers a rich whiff of cardamom, Arabic music and crowds of people both at tables and in line to order. The energy spills over into the sidewalk, where some begin performing a Levantine folk dance known as dabke. It’s a snapshot of various Eastern cultures; Arabic, Farsi and Urdu fill the air, and some customers don traditional attire.
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Qahwah House is just one of a string of Yemeni coffee chains that originated in the Arab-populated Detroit area and are rapidly springing up across the country, often where there are significant Middle Eastern and Muslim populations. Nineteen Qahwah House locations are open across seven states, with more under construction and expected to open this year. Another chain, Haraz, opened this month in the pricey SoHo neighborhood in Manhattan, with at least six more in the region planned in the next two years. Times Square will be home to two other chains, MOKAFE and Qamaria Yemeni Coffee Co.
The rapid expansion of these shops underscores the demand for late-night social spots for not only young Muslims and Middle Easterners, but also younger people who are looking for a non-digital third space where they can hang out without alcohol or having to yell over loud music.
They don’t have many other options. Malls, a traditional third place for young people, are growing more and more unpopular. Chains like Starbucks have become more like take-out counters. Alcohol-free lifestyles are growing even for those outside of the Muslim faith, which many practicing the religion already take part in.
So for many young people in urban areas, especially those from immigrant communities looking for a way to connect to their cultures, it’s a great option.
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Dodgers star Shohei Ohtani suffers left shoulder injury during Game 2 of the World Series
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Los Angeles Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani suffered a shoulder injury before the Dodgers’ 4-2 win over the New York Yankees in Game 2 of the World Series Saturday.
The Japanese slugger sustained a left shoulder subluxation and will undergo more testing, Los Angeles Dodgers manager Dave Roberts said after the game, adding that the team is however “encouraged” about the injury.
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“The strength was great,” Roberts told reporters. “The range of motion good. So, we’re encouraged. But obviously I can’t speculate because we don’t get the scans yet. So, once we get the scans, we’ll know more. Again, with the strength, the range of motion good, that’s certainly a positive.
A shoulder subluxation occurs when “the humerus partially slides in and out of place quickly,” according to Johns Hopkins Medicine.
With the Dodgers up 4-1 in the bottom of the seventh inning, Ohtani attempted to steal second base but was thrown out to end the inning. Ohtani, however, stayed on the ground grimacing in pain and eventually walked off the field with trainers holding his left arm.
“Obviously when you get any one of your players that goes down, it’s concerning,” Roberts said. “But after kind of the range of motion, the strength test, I felt much better about it.”
According to the FOX broadcast, microphones picked up a conversation between Ohtani and trainers saying that his left shoulder appears to have popped out of its socket.
This weekend’s playoffs mark Ohtani’s first appearance in the postseason after he missed out in each of his six seasons with the Los Angeles Angels.
The star player is riding on a series of remarkable accomplishments in recent months, including hitting his 50th homer of the season and stealing his 50th base in the Dodgers’ victory over the Miami Marlins last Thursday. Ohtani went on to rack up his 51st of each stat by the end of the contest.
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The Japanese slugger sustained a left shoulder subluxation and will undergo more testing, Los Angeles Dodgers manager Dave Roberts said after the game, adding that the team is however “encouraged” about the injury.
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“The strength was great,” Roberts told reporters. “The range of motion good. So, we’re encouraged. But obviously I can’t speculate because we don’t get the scans yet. So, once we get the scans, we’ll know more. Again, with the strength, the range of motion good, that’s certainly a positive.
A shoulder subluxation occurs when “the humerus partially slides in and out of place quickly,” according to Johns Hopkins Medicine.
With the Dodgers up 4-1 in the bottom of the seventh inning, Ohtani attempted to steal second base but was thrown out to end the inning. Ohtani, however, stayed on the ground grimacing in pain and eventually walked off the field with trainers holding his left arm.
“Obviously when you get any one of your players that goes down, it’s concerning,” Roberts said. “But after kind of the range of motion, the strength test, I felt much better about it.”
According to the FOX broadcast, microphones picked up a conversation between Ohtani and trainers saying that his left shoulder appears to have popped out of its socket.
This weekend’s playoffs mark Ohtani’s first appearance in the postseason after he missed out in each of his six seasons with the Los Angeles Angels.
The star player is riding on a series of remarkable accomplishments in recent months, including hitting his 50th homer of the season and stealing his 50th base in the Dodgers’ victory over the Miami Marlins last Thursday. Ohtani went on to rack up his 51st of each stat by the end of the contest.
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky will meet US President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris in Washington on Thursday. Leon Neal/Getty Images
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Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky’s visit to the White House on Thursday could be his final chance to convince a receptive American president of his country’s war aims.
The precise details of the “victory plan” Zelensky plans to present in separate meetings to President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris are unknown, having been closely held until they are presented to the American leaders.
But according to people briefed on its broad contours, the plan reflects the Ukrainian leader’s urgent appeals for more immediate help countering Russia’s invasion. Zelensky is also poised to push for long-term security guarantees that could withstand changes in American leadership ahead of what is widely expected to be a close presidential election between Harris and former President Donald Trump.
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The plan, people familiar with it said, acts as Zelensky’s response to growing war weariness even among his staunchest of western allies. It will make the case that Ukraine can still win — and does not need to cede Russian-seized territory for the fighting to end — if enough assistance is rushed in.
That includes again asking permission to fire Western provided long-range weapons deeper into Russian territory, a line Biden once was loathe to cross but which he’s recently appeared more open to as he has come under growing pressure to relent.
Even if Biden decides to allow the long-range fires, it’s unclear whether the change in policy would be announced publicly.
Biden is usually apt to take his time making decisions about providing Ukraine new capabilities. But with November’s election potentially portending a major change in American approach to the war if Trump were to win, Ukrainian officials — and many American ones — believe there is little time to waste.
Trump has claimed he will be able to “settle” the war upon taking office and has suggested he’ll end US support for Kyiv’s war effort.
“Those cities are gone, they’re gone, and we continue to give billions of dollars to a man who refused to make a deal, Zelensky. There was no deal that he could have made that wouldn’t have been better than the situation you have right now. You have a country that has been obliterated, not possible to be rebuilt,” Trump said during a campaign speech in Mint Hill, North Carolina, on Wednesday.
Comments like those have lent new weight to Thursday’s Oval Office talks, according to American and European officials, who have described an imperative to surge assistance to Ukraine while Biden is still in office.
As part of Zelensky’s visit, the US is expected to announce a major new security package, thought it will likely delay the shipping of the equipment due to inventory shortages, CNN previously reported according to two US officials. On Wednesday, the US announced a package of $375 million.
The president previewed Zelensky’s visit to the White House a day beforehand, declaring on the margins of the United Nations General Assembly his administration was “determined to ensure that Ukraine has what it needs to prevail in fight for survival.”
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“Tomorrow, I will announce a series of actions to accelerate support for Ukraine’s military – but we know Ukraine’s future victory is about more than what happens on the battlefield, it’s also about what Ukrainians do make the most of a free and independent future, which so many have sacrificed so much for,” he said.
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