The Ultimate Secret to Getting Good With Women

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 1/6/04

So I wrote this article for Cliff’s List, but it seems Cliff continues to have trouble with his e-mail, so I don’t know if the newsletter ever got out.  Anyway, I was planning on reposting it here afterwards but since it seems most people didn’t get the newsletter I guess it really doesn’t matter.

This was probably the hardest article I’ve ever written because it deals with a lot of personal stuff.  Hope you guys get something from it so its not all a waste of time.  =)

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The Ultimate Secret to Getting Good with Women
(an essay on Inner Game)

by Thundercat
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Everywhere I look, it seems like everyone is looking for the next “new” thing.  You know what I’m talking about.  We all want the next eBook, the next audio series, the next interview, the next pattern, the next routine, the next NEG, etc., etc…

The thing is, I’ve come to discover that when you become too involved in that sort of thing, you tend to stagnate your progress as a seducer and pick-up artist.  But why is that?  If you’re constantly getting updated on the latest tricks, tips, and gizmos, how can your game stagnate?  Simple.  The answer is that 90% of seduction stems from who you are, not what you say.

I’ve been in the game since 1998, though I haven’t really applied myself to getting good at this in a dedicated capacity until recently.  In my time studying, I’ve gotten to meet, hang out, sarge with, and befriend some of the best guys out there at picking up women – be they naturals or self-made gurus.  I’ve gotten to meet a lot of fakes, and a lot of people who are the real deal.  But more importantly, I’ve gotten to SEE what makes these people the real deal.  So what makes them real?  Two words:

Inner Game.

I have not always been into inner game.  Like many others, I’ve tended to overlook this aspect of pick-up and seduction (which is odd considering I spent 4 years working on my inner game before I got out into the field hard core).  I too wanted the new patterns, new openers, new NEGs, and all the other bells and whistles we use in seduction.  But the more I learn and the better I get, the more I start to realize how little this stuff matters, and how important inner game is.

This has only been reinforced by some conversations I had recently with my friend Swinggcat, who’s focus is very much on Inner Game, and who’s future newsletters are going to be covering various topics concerning it in more depth (you can sign up for his newsletters at his website www.realworldseduction.com.  I’ll also be reposting them on my blog).  The more I realize Inner Game’s importance, the more I find myself incorporating more of it into my interactions with women, and it is SO much more powerful than using canned material.

But the process of refining your Inner Game can be a long, arduous, and even scary task.  When I first started my work on Inner Game back in 1998, I was 300 lbs, scared to talk to women, had guilty feelings about sex, and numerous issues with anger and with my general outlook on life!  Basically, I’m someone who could have made some therapist somewhere a boatload of money.  But with the help of Speed Seduction and some of the people I met through that, I was able to work out my inner demons and refine my Inner Game, to the point where I am now around 200 lbs, can talk to women very easily, have NO guilt about sex, and am no longer dealing with anger or many of the negative traits that affected my life.

So what did I do?  What changed?  And what can others do to help them change?  Well, the answer is it won’t be easy.  You really have to become committed to changing the very NATURE of your BEING.  And it’s gonna be tough (for instance, I had to give up my RELIGION in order to fix myself.  That’s how deep you have to go)!  But when you make those changes, what you say and how you act springs from a place that is TOTALLY and COMPLETELY congruent with WHO YOU ARE, not who you are pretending to be.  And no matter how you cut it, that is so much more powerful than anything you can memorize.

The basics of changing your inner game starts with a journey of self-discovery.  And though that may sound like a heap of New Age crap, it’s very true.  You’ll want to start by listing all the traits that you do not like about yourself and you think is holding you back from accomplishing your goals with women.  Things like:

–I’m too fat
–I’m too skinny
–I’m too scared to talk to women
–I don’t have enough hair
–I have a disability
–I can’t control my anger
–I hate women
–I feel so lonely

And anything else you can think of that you feel uncomfortable, self-conscious, or helpless about.  Any negative thing that exists in your life, you gotta write it down!  The next step is to look at those negatives, and analyze everything.  Think about their ROOT CAUSES and find out why you feel the way you do.

For instance (and I’m baring my soul a bit here, so don’t laugh =), I’ve always been very self-conscious about my weight, and one of my things on my list was:

No girl will like me because I’m too fat.

So I looked at this and thought “Why is this such a part of my reality?  I’ve seen fat guys with hot chicks before.  I have fat friends who score with chicks all the time!  Why am I different?  Why is this holding me back?”  So I began to think of times before I realized my weight was an issue, and I came to a memory I had forgotten of me in the third grade.  There were three girls who used to sit in front of me in class, one of whom I had a crush on.  And one day, all three started teasing me about being fat, and they were so harsh about it that it made me cry.  That’s the first memory I have about being ashamed of my weight.  Everything since then, from refusing to wear shorts because of the thickness of my legs, to causing health risks by going on crash diets, can be traced back to that EXACT MOMENT in my life.  And not only that, but it was done by a girl I was attracted to!

Can you say “Trauma?”  I know I can.  But that was a real eye-opener for me.  That was a root cause of much of the Inner Game problems I had, and by tracing it back to that exact moment, not only was I able to identify it, I was able to DEAL with it, because I had a concrete instance to latch onto rather than a vague notion of a problem.

Once you have identified Root Causes for your problems, then it is time to work on fixing them so they stop affecting you negatively.  For instance, I discovered that part of my inability to lay a girl was because I had incredibly guilty feelings about sex, and this would cause me to “chicken out” at the last moment.  I traced this back to a strict Catholic upbringing not only from my mother, but from my schooling as well, which caused me to be overcome with guilt for not only wanting, but enjoying sex.  So, in order to fix it, I had to stop being Catholic.

That doesn’t mean I changed my beliefs, mind you. I still believe in God, and I still abide by the 10 commandments, but by giving up my Catholic Faith, I was able to shed much of the dogma that was weighing on me.  Things like feeling bad for lusting after a woman, or guilt over premarital sex became a non-issue because I changed the belief that was causing those feelings.

This is probably the hardest part of the process right here.  Its one thing to identify what’s wrong — that’s easy.  Its changing it that’s hard, and that’s where so many people screw up.  Changing my issues about my weight was no where near as easy as identifying them.  When I changed my weight issues, I actually went on a diet and exercise program where I shed nearly 100 lbs. over the course of 2 years.  And even then, my belief isn’t completely changed, because I’m still overweight (though not as bad as I was before).  This is the hard part of refining your Inner Game, but the most important because it determines how congruent you will become with your Outer Game later on.

The final step is adopting new beliefs with will determine your speech and actions from that point on.  Some of this is easy and can be done simply be deciding to believe differently from the way you did in the past.  Other factors of this are hard because they can only come from experience and continuing work on Inner Game.  For instance, one belief I adopted was “Every girl I meet is into me.”  This is important because I am a naturally critical person, as I’m sure so many other people are.  When I was interacting with a girl, even if she was giving me 50 signs she was into me, I’d ignore all of them looking for that ONE sign of disinterest, which my critical self would latch onto if it was presented.  That would mess up most of my sarges.  But with the new belief, I’m able to ignore 50 signs the girl may not be interested, but latch onto that ONE sign she is, and that allows me to be more effective in my pick-ups.

Most naturals and master seducers I’ve seen have their inner game down pat.  And when you get your inner game to such a state, things like routines, patterns, NEGs, whatever, tend to NATURALLY spring from who you are, because it’s congruent with your attitude and outlook.  Indeed, I’d have to say the most important factor when it comes to seduction is CONGRUENCY.

One of the problems I experience is that my outer self is not really congruent with who I am on the inside.  One of my good friends, Roadking, pointed out to me that what I say presents such a different person than how I look.  I look like a pretty mild-mannered AFC-ish guy when you meet me, but when I start gaming, I come off as a lovable, cocky/funny @sshole.  This prompted me to do some research and change how I looked on the outside.  One good resource for this is an eBook called Fashion For Fat Guys (www.fashionforfatguys.com).  I learned how to dress for my body type, but not only that, developed my own sense of style that’s more congruent with who I am on the inside, so that incongruency between how I talk and how I present myself isn’t such a big one.

I’ve also tried to enrich my life in other respects, by picking up more hobbies and reading more.  I even started my own daily seduction blog, which is a lot like an online diary that keeps me focused and actually helps me work through a lot of my Inner Game issues.  I know Ross Jeffries always encouraged keeping a journal, which I thought was bunk when I first started, but have come to realize it is a very powerful tool.  (If any of you are interested in reading it, you can find it at www.donutheadz.com/thundercat).

So in conclusion, here are the 6 steps to working out your inner game:

1.  List your sticking points, insecurities, etc.
2.  Determine Root Causes for them.
3.  Fix your Root Causes through change
4.  Adopt New Beliefs
5.  Enrich and Expand your Life
6.  Strive for Congruency

Once you have started fixing your inner game, you will begin to see drastic changes in your outer game.  Not only that, but you will see changes in ALL aspects of your life.  But you must be vigilant.  Inner Game work is an ongoing and never-ending process.  Some of it you can do by self-analysis, some of it can only be done through field work and the development of Outer Game, but it is always important that you strive to work on it.

So with the coming of the New Year, I plan on focusing more on Inner Game and fixing as many sticking points as possible.  Hopefully, so will you!  =)

Thundercat