Getting Laid or Validation — Which is More Important?

**Reposted from the first Lair, original date: 1/8/04

You know, its a funny little world we live in. As someone who studies pick-up and seduction, I like to think back from time to time as to how I got into it and why. If you’ve read the first post I ever put up on the site, you’ll see how I got into it, but that’s not the same thing as why. Initially, the “why” could be explained very simply: I wanted to get liad. Period. End of story. But the further I got into my studies, the more people I met, and the more gurus I’ve hung out with, the more I’ve begun to realize that this isn’t really about getting laid at all.

That’s not to say getting laid isn’t a part of it. But in all honesty, most of the guys I’ve met who make seduction their whole life have moved beyond that point — where it’s not just enough to get laid, but it has to be by a certain type of girl, who is a certain type of good looking, and others have to know about their success and look up to them because of it. In short, for many people out there, it ceases to be about getting laid and becomes more about VALIDATION.

Seriously, if it was all about getting laid, why not just save up some money, move to the Phillipines, and fuck whores all day long for less than $3 a night? If its about getting laid, why bother rating girls on a 1-10 scale? If its about getting laid, why bother charging people for products or getting names out in magazines and newspapers? Why bother flaming people on message boards? Why? Why? Why???

Because that’s not the reason behind any of this. I think men get into this field because there is some type of deep-seated insecurity within them that they are constantly trying to cure. That’s the need for approval, not just from people, but from beautiful women specifically. Its that scared little kid inside all of us who got laughed at when he asked the most popular girl in school out to the prom, or got told on when he tried to kiss a girl on the playground. Its that dark little place in all of us that seeks the validation of knowing we’re good enough to be desired by somebody.

But I’m starting to think that at some point, that doesn’t become enough. I know a few guys who get laid like crazy, by very beautiful women in fact, and that still doesn’t cure that insecurity. Its almost like they have to get that hole filled with the validation and accolades of others, which is where I think some guys end up. Its not just enough to be loved by a beautiful woman, rather, they have to be loved by everybody! Hense the need for constant validation, which leads people to go to great lengths to get it. And in a way, I think that this is a very dangerous trend, becuase it’s not a solution to the problem. The problem goes much deeper than getting laid or getting validated.

I think it can be boiled down to the very nature of who we are, and how we view ourselves. I know it may sound like a bunch of new age bullshit, but maybe its becuase many of us don’t love ourselves that our lives are so devoid of love — be if from a beautiful woman or your peer group. Maybe that ball of self-loathing in your gut is slowly poisoning all your interactions with people, keeping you stuck in the exact spot you don’t want to be in.

As I get more into Inner Game, I begin to realize about myself that there is a certain ammount of loathing I harbor. I don’t like the fact that I’m not as good looking as I can be. I don’t like the fact that I’m not as thin as I can be. I don’t like the fact that I’m not as cool, or interesting, or funny as I can be. And all that shit adds up to me harboring resentment against myself — which in the long run hurts me more than anything else out there.

So what’s the solution to this? How does one go about falling in love with oneself? How do you forgive each and every shortcoming you have? I think this is important because if you can’t truly love yourself, how can you expect anyone to ever love you in return? Because of this, you may never be happy, doomed to a self-destructive cycle of seeking validation, but never truly getting it.

Its something to think about, I suppose. I may even be something that keeps me up at night.

Thundercat