Hey there boys and girls, its time for yet another fun-filled recap of VH1′s The Pick Up Artist!  So dust off your over-sized goggles and put on your sleeveless fur-lined vests, its time to waste yet another hour of your life watching geeks embarrass themselves and strike out with chicks.

We start the episode with the remaining contestants in shocked disbelief that Fat Gay Alex got his ample posterior kicked off the show.  Apparently, none of the guys have actually SEEN the first season, and know that people get eliminated from the mansion – especially if they are:  fat, gay, old, or a race other than white.

Matt Powers is so upset, he says “Its going to be hard to sleep tonight.”  Funny, I thought it’d be hard to sleep with Fat Gay Alex prowling around the bunkbeds in the dark, looking for unsuspecting nerds to molest.  But what do I know?

The next day, the group is whisked away to a “secret location” (which looks disturbingly like a low-rent porno store in the Valley).  They’re at a mysterious “Italian Club,” with Mystery, Matador, and Tara waiting out front, along with a mysterious looking doorman.

Simeon starts salivating, saying he thinks they’ve been whisked away to a STRIP CLUB, and then starts masturbating furiously.  Little does he know that no stripper would be up in the daytime to hang out with a bunch of geeks with no money – but hey, let the guy dream.

Mystery is looking to start helping the guys build their confidence when talking to women.  So for their first reward challenge (i.e. the challenge where you get Tara to do something demeaning afterward) the guys get to spend quality time with some “quality ladies.”

Hmmmm.  In the first season, a line like that was followed by storytime with a class full of first-grade girls.  I’m thinking this year they may have put a twist on it and gone with geriatrics.  Will I be proven correct?

Asian Brian is hoping to meet some strippers, club girls, or FREAKS.  Either way, he’s so excited his afro starts steaming.

So the challenge is to approach some women and have a conversation.  Simple, right? The guy who makes the best impression wins a “secret accessory” from Mystery’s private collection, and a special tutoring session on how to use it.  Though, I’m sure most of these contestants already know how to use ruphies.

So it’s “game on” and the guys all rush in ready to meet some hot chicks to find… YES!  Geriatric women!  (Can I call them or what?)  Apparently when the Italian Club isn’t selling low-rent porno, it doubles as a bingo parlor for all the major GILFs in the area.

All the old ladies start cat-calling the fresh, young, supple man-meat that just walked in the door, and now the contestants look not only disappointed, but kind of sick to their stomachs.  This is VH1′s the Pick Up Artist!  Did they not expect this coming in?

Simeon, in particular, seems disappointed.  I guess his fantasy of eating the flesh of a stripper has to be put on hold for now.  Well, there’s always next episode, Simeon!

So the guys go to work and start joining the old ladies.  All of them seem to be doing well talking to the women about the most boring, inane shit imaginable.  Matt Power’s is in GILF heaven, since he seems to like to practice his GILFitude at his bubbies old-age home.  Yeah, baby, yeah.

Simeon’s strategy was to schmooze, compliment, and offer to to pay the old women for sexual favors.  Its obvious Simeon is well practiced in flirting with old women, because he does it well – acting as gay as humanly possible.  Hey, old women love gay guys, right?

Asian Kevin is even managing to bore old ladies, which HAS to be hard.  Sensing he’s floundering, Asian Kevin does what any guy would do – puts the burden on the women by asking them for “cool stories.”  Unfortunately, I’m sure all their stories have to do with the old woman’s husbands killing asian people in World War 2, so they do the right thing and keep their mouths shut.

Asian Brian seems to REALLY like the GILFs.  “Talking to these old women, its like they’re cougars!” He explains.  “Except they are like SABERTOOTH!”  Oh yeah, you can tell Simeon and AB are already planning to tag-team one of these old biddies, London Bridge style.  I mean, how could he NOT win them over with great pick up lines like “I love how you guys STINK.”  Smooth.

Finally, Mystery shows up to end the awkward pain I’m going through watching this trainwreck.  VH1 has put together a nice little bingo card with all the contestant’s faces on it, and he asks the ladies to vote for the contestant they liked the best by stamping their favorite with their bingo markers.

I’m going to bet Simeon was able to control his serial killer impulses well enough to win this one.  Let’s see…

And the winner is:  Matt Powers!  Yes, it seems all his practice with his bubby paid off!  Way to go seducing all those randy old Sabertooths, Matty-boy.

Matt Powers can’t wait to see what he gets for winning.  I hope he’s ready to be disappointed because I’ve seen Mystery’s accessories, and none of them are worth talking to 80 year old women for.

Back at Project Arizona, its time for the guy’s first “pick up lesson.”  Mystery starts laying down some knowledge on how to approach women and start conversations.  He lays down the typical indirect openers.  Simeon says “It was like being given the secrets to the universe!”  Yeah, if the universe is all about repeating lines that have been beaten to death in the clubs.

(Actually, if you ask me, these segments should be what the show is about instead of lame reward challenges.  This is where Mystery actually shines.  But I digress… back to VH1′s master plan to embarrass everyone even remotely associated with the network.)

After the pick up lesson, Mystery presents Matt Powers with his reward – A BAG!  Er, uh, what’s INSIDE a bag, rather.  Mystery will reveal what’s in the bag to Mr. Powers later on.

Now the guys divide up into groups so they can practice their openers.  Tara gets to share all her “female insights” with the guys so they know what a real, live girl wants in the club.  Mystery tries teaching his group about the NEG – something which I can’t wait to see Asian Brian use.  “An example of a neg,” he explains, “is Lay-DEE!  Stop EYE-FUCKING me!!!!”  Then AB shares his brand new “Pull My Finger” neg.  Oh yeah, this will be good.

It seems Matador has been snorting a bit too much cocaine lately, since he’s teaching the guys to go up to women and say “I like pickle-juice.”  I guess I was right before when I said Matador’s pick-up prowess drops when he’s not wearing his magical sleeveless raccoon fur vest.

Mystery FINALLY reveals his secret accessory to be:  a fuzzy boa.

Seriously?

Yes, seriously.

I don’t know what’s worse – the fact that a reward was a $3 fuzzy black boa, or the fact that Mystery needed to give a LESSON on how to use one.  Poor Matt Powers.  That’ll teach you to win a challenge.

Now its time for the guys to board Project Manhood and head off to their first field test.  They’re all nervous and frantically cramming for their big test.  Now, we get to flash back to Mystery is his candle-lit lounge and leopard print fur jacket as he narrates exactly the challenges his students will be facing tonight.

So the goal of tonight’s field test is to open sets and reach the hook point (you know, the point where the girl DOESN’T want to call the cops on you?).  I’m going to try and pay attention to the fact that Mystery is explaining the challenge, and not to the fact that Matador is wearing a skin-tight see-through red-mesh shirt.  Honestly, is there a store that sells gay indian cowboy clothes somewhere in Hollywood?  Where does he get this stuff???  When Matador starts dressing sluttier than Tara, something is very, very wrong.

In the club, VH1 reminds us that there are no actors.  Now it’s time to see grown men make asses of themselves!  (Which is what this show really comes down to in the end, isn’t it?)

The first one up is Matt Powers with his ultra-secret feather boa accessory!  (Shhhh!  Don’t tell nobody!)  The boa is doing its job, though.  Matt gets complimented on it right away.  He just doesn’t seem to know what to DO with those compliments!  Instead of locking the girl in like Mystery taught, Matt just stands there looking like a retard.  “What a waste of an accessory!” Mystery cries.  I believe I said the same thing when they announced J-Dog wouldn’t be back this season.

Matt finally gets a nibble when a girl runs up and approaches him.  Unfortunately, he loses her in a short few minutes when the drunk girl who accosted him starts accosting one of her female friends instead.  D’oh.  You nooze, you lose, Mr. Powers.

Now its time for Todd to strut his stuff.  He opens with no problem, just like he did the first time.  He’s smiling, he’s negging, he’s using false time constraints – yeah, my prediction that he’s going to be one of the finalist is looking pretty good now.

Caveman Greg is up.  Let’s see if his new look is going to help him out.  He goes into a set right away, but his stories are pretty bad.  (Hint:  Never talk about Andy Dick to a girl – EVER.  EveryAndy Dick Story in the universe is always distrubing.)  So after Greg is done talking about how he choked out Andy Dick until his face turned purple, the girl asks “What was the point of that story?”

“Ohhhhhhh SNAP!” exclaims Matador.  Well, I guess it could have been worse.  He could have told her he liked pickle-juice or something.

Now its time for Rian to show us what he’s got.  He’s doing the short set method, which looks like its working well for him.  Then he starts up with the Elvis opener.  It seems Rian is doing pretty well, and keeps approaching sets – but he keeps ejecting way too early.  However, he did much better than the first episode, which is saying a lot.

Its Simeon’s turn to enter the club and do his thang.  He comes in with “great energy,” as Mystery puts it, only to be told to “Shut the fuck up” by the first set he talks to.  I guess they recognized him from his sex offender mug shot on the internet or something.  Oh well, back to masturbating in your own feces on your houseboat, Simeon.

Tara is still in love with her favorite serial killer, though.  She keeps bitching out all the girls who can obviously tell Simeon is a creepy, creepy, creepy dude.  Oh well.

Now its Karl’s turn.  Can he do better than Simeon?  I’m willing to bet that as long as he doesn’t get knifed by some jive turkey, yeah, he’ll do better.  To Karl’s credit, he does approach, but you can tell he doesn’t have the confidence to hold the set’s interest.  The girls just ignore him, much like every other girl in the world.  Owch.  Karl now falls into a schizophrenic spiral as he begins frantically talking to himself.  Never a good sign.

Asian Brian is in da house next.  Please, God, let him use the “pull my finger” neg.  Tara tells AB to “work dat fro!”  I guess she’s moved on from Kung-Fu Master of the universe to “weird asian afro dude.”  AB opens sets, and not to disappoint me or America for that matter, actually used the “I LIKE PICKLE-JUICE” opener!  YES!  YES!  YES!  Matador is very proud of himself, and starts rubbing his nipples through his see-through red mesh shirt.

Asian Brian is actually doing well.  He’s being friendly, goofy, and non-threatening.  He even throws a Borat reference in his pick ups for good measure.  Cameron Teone would be proud.  I’d have to say this round goes to Asian SMOKIN’ BALLS Brian.

After the tsunami that was Asian Brian, we get Asian Kevin.  Will AK be able to outdo AB?  We shall see.  He doesn’t seem to evoke much confidence, claiming he threw up in his mouth before entering the club, but hey, that’s never stopped Matador, why should it stop AK?

Kevin barrels into set, and just doesn’t stop talking.  Not only does he not stop talking, he doesn’t stop swearing!  Asian Kevin is talking like a drunken sailor with tourettes syndrome.  He’s also completely ignoring the guys, who you can tell don’t like this foul-mouthed fruitcake cursing up their ladies.

Yes, that was painful.  Asian Kevin, my other choice for the finalist, did not do well.  His lack of social calibration is very painfully obvious.

That concludes the challenge, and all the students gather outside to meet back up with Mystery, Matador, and Tara.  Tara uses her catch phrase “Hey guys!” and Mystery starts praising the work the student’s have done.  He then he announces the winner:  Asian Brian!

Asian Brian is in such shock, he lets his mouth hang open for a few seconds.  Yes, that’s how shocked he is.  I guess liking pickle-juice pays off for some people.  Who knew?

As a reward for winning the challenge, AB gets to pick two guys as his wingmen to protect them from elimination.  Asian Brian will have a hard time picking who to protect, because according to AB:  “These guys are like my family.  They’re like a hair on my butt!”  Its nice to know Asian Brian has as high regard for his family as he does for his ass hairs.

The next day at Project Arizona, the politics of elimination begin.  Poor Asian Brian is having such a hard time, he has to interrupt his confessional by violently vomiting.  That’s what you get for liking pickle-juice so much, motherfucker.

After AB agonizes over his choices, it is time for the customarily over-dramatic elimination session.  Mystery is sporting his fuzzy top hat and eyeliner, so you know he means business!

The students file into the elimination room, and Mystery begins to lay down the rules.  He gives the PUA-Pendant speech, letting us know that each medallion symbolizes some crap about something that has nothing to do with pickle-juice or smoking balls.  (Ain’t that a shame?)

Tonight, they are awarding the white PUA pendant.  Mystery gives the first PUA Pendant to AB, and then asks him for his choices on who his wingmen will be.  AB chooses Caveman Greg and Todd.  Mystery lavishes praise on Todd, and shits all over Greg.  He then dismisses the three immune students.

Now it’s time to start eliminating fools.

Mystery starts hating on all the students that are left, pointing out everything they did wrong in the club.  Not that Mystery is out of line here, these guys did do pretty poorly.

The breakdown is thus:

• Rian – left sets too early
• Karl – Flipped out after getting rejected once.
• Simeon – Too high energy, and scary to women.  (Seriously, I didn’t add that.  Mystery said this!)
• Matt – Didn’t use his accessory.
• Kevin – Cussed way too much and unaware of the discomfort he created.

“And so it begins…” intones Mystery as he begins awarding medallions.  (Seriously, could we get any more over-dramatic here?)

The first one Mystery reveals to be safe is:  Rian.  Apparently, his ability to open a 6-set put him over the top.

The next one to be safe is Matt Powers.  The drunk girl who accosted him because of his boa was his saving grace this week.  He gets to stick around for episode 3.

Now we’re down to Asian Kevin, Serial Killer Simeon, and Karl.  Mystery says there was nothing about any of their performances which impressed him last night.  I beg to differ.  The amount of rejection Simeon experienced was incredibly impressive!  But I digress…

Mystery gives Simeon the reprieve, but warns him that he must gain control of his creepy energy.

It’s now down to AK and Karl.  I think Karl is toast.  We shall see – and in the most overly dramatic way possible.

Now Tara and Matador get to join in the hating.

Tara says Karl’s worst enemy is his self-doubt.  I think his worst enemy is his schizophrenic break with reality, but hey, I’m not an expert like Tara is.  Matador says Kevin needs to be more aware of certain things, like wearing see-through shirts that prominently display your nipples.

Mystery claims he’s “going with his gut” on this one.  He says Karl needs to get over his demons.  He then says Kevin let him down.  Then, in a shocking twist to my finalist predictions, Mystery boots Asian Kevin.  Not that this is a surprise, since anyone who’s asian, indian, middle eastern, or black seems to not have a chance on this show.

Honestly, this is an odd choice for elimination, since I thought Karl did much, much worse than AK.  But whatever.  Karl’s in, AK’s out.

As Asian Kevin leaves, we get the obligatory montage of his time at Project Arizona.  AK says his time at the mansion was “priceless.”  I say it was dull beyond comparison.  At least we didn’t lose anyone interesting this week like we did last episode.

Next week’s episode looks particularity embarrassing, which means it will be particularly awesome.  Kosmo is back, and the prospect of the Kos hanging out with Asian Brian will just be too good to pass up.  Can’t wait to see it and write about it for all you flamers out there.

Until next time, y’all.

Well, another year has gone by, which means its time for VH1 to grace the airwaves with yet another season of The Pick Up Artist – starring the one and only Mystery.

Yes, just when you thought it was safe to watch VH1 again, the network that has brought us such cultural icons as Flava Flav and evil Dustin Diamond, is now treating us to another 8 episodes of geeks getting different colored pendants for not embarrassing themselves in front of women.  Huzzah!

The show starts off by reminding everyone about how Mystery is the world’s greatest pick up artist (and snazziest dresser!), telling us about how big of a geek he used to be by showing pictures of him holding a plastic spoon.  Yes, it seems VH1′s definition of “loser who can’t get laid” is synonymous with guys who allow themselves to be photographed holding plastic cutlery.

Then we’re reminded of our favorite trainwrecks from last season – Kosmo, Brady, Joe D, Gay Joe, Spoon, Pradeep, Old Dude, and geeky guy who’s name I can’t remember – and how Mystery “helped” them.  Now that Kosmo is a real Pick Up Artist, he’s been forced to shave his head, wear affliction t-shirts, and share with Mystery’s students the lessons he learned from living with Gay Joe the first season…

“Just open your mouth, don’t be afraid to experiment,” says Kosmo.  (Yeah, people paid $2,000 to hear that bit of advice.)

Now that the recap’s over, its time to prepare ourselves for a new season of the Pick Up Artist, where the challenge is even BIGGER (i.e. the contestants are geekier, gayer, uglier, and asianer).  Also, I’m sure the challenge had a little to do with the fact that women are now on guard for hidden camera pick ups.  But whatever.

Matador is back as Mystery’s wingman, sporting a new beard and a greasier wig.  J-Dog is out, and now Tara is in, so she gets to bring her milkshake to the yard every episode now.  Whether or not she’ll be forced to tongue-down the contestants is still up in the air, but we shall see.

What makes Tara qualified to teach guys how to meet women?  “I’m a woman!” she exclaims.  Yay.  So’s my mom, but that doesn’t mean her advice for getting chicks is any good.  Where’s that other girl from the first season?  She was way hotter than Tara and didn’t talk as much.  Give her the wingwoman spot, fer cryin’ out loud.

Anyway, cue the show intro, and its time to start another season of awkwardness on the Pick Up Artist.

So we start off in a new location – Arizona.  How do we know its Arizona?  Because there’s a cactus!  Lord knows there weren’t any of those in Texas.  But we really know Arizona was chosen due to the fact that its legal to videotape people against their will there.

The 9 unlucky lamers walk down the dusty, sun scorched street as they head towards Project Arizona, letting us know such deep confessionals as “I’ve never had a girlfriend,” “I’m a virgin,” and “I used to suck dick for cocaine.”  (Oops, sorry, that was something Gay Joe said last season.)

I noticed there are no Indian guys this season.  Guess they learned their lesson from Pradeep.  Instead they upped the Asian factor from one to two.  Oh yeah, they also seemed to up the “boring white guy” quotient.  Four minutes into the show, and I’m already wishing someone would start joking about feces.

There’s a surprise waiting for the lamers when they get to Project Arizona – namely a swimming pool full of models in bikinis.  Who wants to bet Tara is among them?  Any takers?  Anyone?

“Hi guys!” exclaims Tara.

Wow, this season is full of surprises already.

Contestant Simeon is beside himself when an actual real, live girl starts talking to him.  I love how his issue isn’t “Virgin” or “Shy Guy,” its “Hyperactive,” which apparently is VH1 code for “We have a potential sex offender here.”

After the lamers run away screaming from the pretty girls, they get to choose their bunkbeds and introduce themselves to the audience.  Hyperactive Simeon (pronounced Sim-eee-on) talks about how he used to live on a boat, which is the perfect venue for dumping the bodies after he’s done molesting them, apparently.  Oh yeah, he’s also a really shitty poet.

Carl works at Radio Shack.  He’s “Heartbroken” because the only girl he’s ever had sex with was cheating on him.  That’s not too unusual when you pay for sex apparently, but don’t tell Carl that.

Then there’s Matt, who likens himself to Austin Powers.  VH1 says he’s insecure about his looks, so yeah, I can see the whole Austin Powers thing.  However Austin Powers was very entertaining, and Matt’s about as entertaining as watching linoleum peal on a hot day.

Now we’ve got Greg, who looks like he just got done shooting a caveman commercial for Geico.  VH1 says his biggest issue is that his voice cracks around women.  Either that, or he’s still going through puberty, which seems a bit more likely.

Now we have Brian, one of the token Asians on the show.  It looks like he’s this season’s annoying guy, taking the Pradeep mantle.  How can we tell he’s annoying?  Well, the hair is a dead giveaway, as is the fact that he’s fuckin’ annoying.  (He asked if the Bidet is a toilet or a sink for god’s sake.  Already, he’s trying to steal Pradeep’s thunder with the poop humor.)

The other Asian is Kevin, who actually seems pretty normal and well adjusted.  He says he went to Mystery as his last resort because he keeps getting shot down over and over again.  But the guy isn’t bad looking and seems to keep in shape, so my guess is he just needs to know how to keep from boring girls.  I smell possible ringer with Kevin.  We shall see.

Now we get Fat Boy Alex, who I guess is this season’s comic relief since he seems to have raided Heavy D and the Boyz closet for his wardrobe.  He says women always see him as gay.  Maybe he should stop wearing jewelry?  I’m sure that would go a long way to convincing people he likes pussy.  But what do I know?

Then there’s Todd, who’s big thing is never having had a girlfriend.  He seems to know a few hot chicks who just see him as their emotional tampon.  No surprise there.  It looks like Todd might be this season’s Brady.  Fairly normal guy with absolutely no personality.

Finally, there’s Rian, the 28 year old virgin.  Could his virginity be caused by the fact that he’s a grown man who sleeps with beanie babies?  Time will tell.

Right now, if I had to put money on it, I’d say that this years finalists will be Todd and Asian Kevin.  We shall see, but just remember, you heard it here first.

Now its time for Mystery to call the lamers.  Apparently, Virgin mobile told Mystery to go suck it this season, so instead of the annoying product placement, we get a speakerphone.  Now he’s sending them all to meet him downtown on Destination Manhood.  (That’s the name of the freakin’ bus for those of you who never saw season 1.)

On the way downtown, the lamers talk all about how awesome Mystery is.  Simone looks like he’s on a three day meth binge talking about the dude, and Fat Gay Alex is practically verbalizing his homosexual fantasy about trying on Mystery’s PVC pants.

Finally, the students meet Mystery.  The lamers are all really impressed with his medallion, cowboy hat, and goggles.  I’m hoping to see the return of the fuzzy top hat soon, personally.  But I think Mystery’s wardrobe is best summed up by Asian Brian, who poetically exclaims: “This guy is smokin’ BALLS tonight!”  (Be still Fat Gay Alex)

No one seems to notice the raccoon skin vest Matador is sporting.  Poor Matador, no one ever says he’s smokin’ BALLS tonight.  Side note:  Next time any of you guys see Matador, let him know that Thundercat hopes he’s smokin’ BALLS that night, just so he doesn’t feel left out anymore.

Then, Mystery gets the ball rolling by saying: “For those of you who do not yet know who I am (pause)… I… (pause)… (keep pausing)… (still pausing)… (for the love of god, stop pausing)… (longest pregnant pause in history)… (Jesus Christ on a stick, we already know your freakin’ name, stop pausing!!!!)… am Mystery.”

Mystery then introduces his wings – Matador and Tara.  It seems Matador is going to be sporting his sleeveless vests the whole season to show off his guns.  (How many push ups does he do before the cameras start rolling, I wonder?)  It looks like he’s trying to shed his Gay Indian Cowboy image in favor of a new, more powerful Gay S&M Indian image.  You go, boy!

Then there’s Tara, who apparently refuses to wear black so she can gell with Mystery and Matador.  She says “Hi guys” for the billionth time in 16 minutes.  Kill me now.  At least she seems to be able to put together a coherent sentence for the show.  Simeon can’t seem to wait to get her on his boat and dump her body in the middle of the ocean.  How romantic.

Mystery starts talking about how their lives are going to change.  “One day, you’ll be so good at this,” he explains, “That you will be able to teach it to your sons.  Except those of you I kick off the show of course.  You guys are just screwed.”

He then goes on to say:

“Only one man will win $50,000.  Only one man will earn the title, The Pick Up Artist.”

Simeon falls on the ground and has an epileptic seizure while masturbating simultaneously.  I didn’t know that was possible until just now.  Thank you VH1′s the Pick Up Artist.  You teach me so much.

Now the first twist in introduced as the show announces the students must all embarrass themselves on national TV by showing Mystery their skills right now.  Austin Matt Powers exclaims “Mystery drops this bombshell on us that we’re going to be starting tonight!”  Uh, dude, did you see season 1?  They always start things off this way.  Oh well.

Mystery explains how the entire club has been equipped with hidden cameras, and they’ll be watching the student’s every move.  This obviously worries Simeon, since he apparently planned to roll around in his own feces in the corner of the club at some point.

“Let the game begin!” says Mystery, as this seasons Lamers file into the Acme Bar & Grill.

Now we get VH1 telling us there are no actors in the club, except of course for the models they hired to be in there, oh yeah, and the plants they put in among the contestants.  But really, who’s counting?

First up is Asian Kevin, who is sweating profusely.  Whether this is due to the fact that he’s in the club, that he’s Asian, or that he’s in the middle of ARIZONA, is unclear.  He complains that he has Swamp Ass.  Little does he know that’s Barry Kirkey’s boyfriend, not his.  Prepare to be flamed on Revolution 31 Asian Kevin!!!

AK doesn’t seem to have a problem approaching sets.  Like I guessed earlier, he just has no idea what to say to girls when he starts talking.  I’m confident now that he’ll make it to the finals, as long as keeps his swamp ass under control.

AK asks his girls if he could “Dig a little deeper.”  Matador exclaims “Not even I would say something like that!”  And as we all know, there is very little Matador would not say… that hasn’t been previously approved by Mystery, anyway.  Though AK strikes out with the girls, Matador does compliment him by saying “He’s got some balls.”  Unfortunately, he did not say he was SMOKING BALLS.  That compliment is apparently reserved only for Mystery.

Now we got Austin M. Powers.  After a little hesitation, AMP approaches with the “What kind of drink is that?” line.  Not bad.  Then the follow up:  “How much was it?” Um… okay.  Finally, he ends the approach with “Thank you.”  Yeah baby.  Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhh.

Now we have Todd, the emotional tampon.  He’s my other choice for finalist, let’s see how he does.  He approaches without too much trouble, but his line is pretty lame.  Matador observes there’s some “disingenuousness” (is that even a word?) with Todd’s approach.  Maybe if he was wearing a raccoon skin vest and a long hair wig, he’d be more genuine, eh?

Now its Caveman Greg’s turn.  I keep waiting for him to scream “ME HAVE BO-NAR!” really loudly and start clubbing women over the head with his rape stick, but then I remember he’s one of those sensitive cavemen who do the Geiko commercials, so instead I just have to suffer through another boring conversation.  Snarf.

Now its time for Pradeep, er, I mean Asian Brian to make an ass of himself.  Will we get a pickup laced with shit humor?  Only time will tell.  AB is all about the teeth apparently, since he can’t stop talking about how white the girl’s teeth are.  Smooth talker this one.  AB tries to continue to be smooth by talking about how much he loves the heat.  The girl shoots him down pretty quick.  Apparently she’s a racist who hates Asian guys.  Either that, or she’s a typical white chick.  You decide.

Now Simeon is up.  Oh God, I hope he knows enough not to start sniffing girl’s asses right away.  I’m actually nervous watching this one.  Apparently his serial killer charm is not lost on Tara, who astutely comments about how he can look “sexually disheveled.”  I guess that’s VH1′s way of saying “he looks like a serial killer who doesn’t bathe.”  Simeon doesn’t waste time being freakin’ annoying as shit, and any fantasy Tara might have had about him choking her to death goes right out the window as she says “He’s the annoying creepy guy right now.”  Uh, he was always the annoying creepy guy, sweetheart.  Get with the program.

Rian’s turn.  Tara says he needs a makeover.  Mystery says he’s already shit his pants.  Matador says he needs a sleaveless raccoon vest.  I’ll give it to Rian, he may seem like a loser, but at least he makes the approach.  Kudos for him.

Now we have Karl, the head, charging through the club.  He looks like he’s running a sprint.  Either the guy is really focused, or he’s really got to pee.  Karl tries to start up a conversation, but the girl’s friend says “Why she’s talking to him?  Just look at the size of his head!  Its like talking to an Orange on a toothpick!”  Owch.

Finally we have Fat Gay Alex.  He’s got his Mr. T bling on.  It does its job, people notice it.  Mystery says “I guess he thinks that’s peacocking.”  Uh, isn’t it?  Maybe it’s not peacocking if you don’t incorporate goggles or a sleeveless vest of some type?  Who knows.  Fat Gay Alex is getting a lot of attention from the bling.  He just has no clue what to do with it.  Mystery says “Not only does he look sad, but I feel sad for him.”  If you feel so sad for him dude, just order Tara to make out with him for a while!  I bet she’d do it.

So now that we’ve gotten to see how bad everyone is, we get to see how the pros do it.  Mystery starts stripping off his peacock gear to show you don’t have to rely on gimmicks – like fame, celebrity, wingmen, magic tricks, a best selling novel, etc. – to get girls.  Notice how Matador doesn’t want to take off his vest, though.  Interesting.

So Mystery and his wings enter the club and do their thing.  Simeon looks like he’s about to start masturbating again as he watches Mystery use his mad magic skills to entertain women.  Matador seems to like to use aliases when he meets women (probably to throw off the police reports filed afterward).  I hear him use “Vince” and “James” in his approaches.  I’m convinced without his raccoon skin vest, he’d be powerless here in Arizona.  I guess we’ll find out.

I did however notice Tara didn’t pick up any women.  What up with that?  She sucks!!!!!

After the demonstration of mad PUA skillz, Mystery sends the lamers back to Project Arizona to prepare for the next day’s challenge.

The next day, Mystery takes his students out for their obligatory make-over.  You know, the time where they get to change from nerdy clothes to downright ridiculous clothes?  Yeah, that.

Apparently the events of last night have turned Mystery’s clothes beige.  Never a good sign.  Though that doesn’t stop Matador from explaining to the students how he checks Mystery out whenever he walks into a room.  Don’t you want to be like Mystery guys?  Dress so Matador wants to check you out!

Mystery explains that the challenge today is to create your own unique avatar.    Thanks to the magic of VH1′s pop-up technology, we know that means “Persona Image.”  Now the guys get to play dress up – Fat Gay Alex’s dream come true.

Tara is busy helping the guys out.  She seems to be doing a better job than Matador.  Simeon comes out dressed like a gay John Travolta impersonator.

“What are you, on drugs?” jokes Matador.

“Oh yeah,” says Simeon.  “All kinds.  Mostly anti-psychotics.  Want some?”

“No thanks,” says Matador.  “I still got an 8-ball chillin in my raccoon skin vest.”

Poor Rian is so overwhelmed with picking out clothes, he starts crying.  Where’s his security blanket when you need it?  He’s so pathetic, he even starts making Tara cry.  Gosh.  Maybe the reason he’s still a virgin is because he’s so depressing he makes every girl around him burst into tears?  Only time will tell.

Then Austin M Powers is sent off to the dentist to get the huge HGH gap in his teeth fixed.  I had no idea being a PUA meant expensive dental work!  And all this time I was focused on lines and routines.  Silly me.

After the shopping trip, its off to get the hair done.  Oh, this should be fun!

Everyone’s getting washed, rinsed, colored, and cut.  Asian Brian is spelling.  In my head, I spell S-H-U-T-T-H-E-F-U-C-K-U-P.  Caveman gets his cro-mag hair chopped off.  Asian Kevin gets his eyebrow pierced.  Simeon begins speaking in tongues.  Its all good.

Now its time for the tanning and waxing.  Just when I thought this show couldn’t get any weirder, we get Rian in speedoes getting spray tanned and Austin M Powers getting his body hair ripped out as his friends stand by and laugh at his pain.  Awesome.

Now that the make-overs are done, its time to go back to Project Arizona.  Fat Gay Alex symbolically throws away his massive gold chain.  Congratulations, you just got rid of the only accessory that could possibly compete with Mystery’s goggles.  Hope your happy, douchebag.

Now Matador and Tara show up with some food to help celebrate the student’s new looks.  Its time for the big reveal of the new and improved lamers.  Matador is, of course, wearing another sleeveless vest, only instead of raccoon skin, it’s 80′s red leather.  Score!  Nothing says BBQ like red leather vests, baby.

First up to be revealed is Simeon, who looks way less like a serial killer now.  Impressive.  You can tell he still wants to masturbate on Tara’s corpse though.  (Its all in the eyes!)

Now we’ve got Rian, who still walks like a geek with his pants up by his armpits.  Tara likes the change, but I doubt she’d ever say anything bad for fear of making Rian cry again.

Now it’s AK’s turn.  Dude looks good.  Definitely a shot for the finalist position.  Same goes for Todd.  It’ll be between these two at the end, I’m convinced.

Fat Gay Alex is out next.  He still looks fat and gay.  They should have told him to go more with the suit look like they did with Joe D in season 1.  Simeon screams out “GQ,” though weather he was talking about Alex or just trying to control a turrets flare-up is anyone’s guess.

Now Asian Brian comes out.  Is it just me, or does he look exactly the same?  I guess he’s not wearing his hot pink “Models Wanted” t-shirt, so that’s an improvement.  Tara says he looks like Kung-Fu Master Of The Universe.  Obviously, Tara is not a fan of Kung Fu.

The Head is up next.  He’s definitely improved with his make-over!  His head doesn’t look nearly as big as it used to.  Nice.

Now it’s time for Austin M Powers.  He looks good, and the caps on his teeth make a world of difference.  AMP is all about making people feel the “Sexual Activity.”  Does he make you randy, baby?  Yeeeeaaaahhhh.

Caveman comes out and is COMPLETELY unrecognizable.  Huge change.  The guy actually looks good!  Its so easy, even this caveman can do it.  Way to go!

After a brief BBQ, Mystery graces the party (complete with the return of the goggles – yay!) and compliments all the lamers before announcing he’s going to kick one of their sorry asses off the show.  (cue dramatic music)

So Mystery has decided one of the guys is going home.  Let me guess – is it the dude that cried like a bitch in the clothing store?  I bet $10 it is!

“I have trained thousands and thousands of men,” Mystery claims.  “And each of them has a spark inside them.  And I don’t see that spark in one of you.”  Hmmmm.  Could that be a reference to the fact that Mystery refuses to train virgins because they’re just too hard to deal with?  Rian’s a virgin, and he cries like a bitch… I’m feeling good about my bet!

Mystery keeps blabbing.  Just get on with it and tell us who’s getting kicked already!!!

Uh oh… it sounds like Mystery is talking about Fat Gay Alex.  They wouldn’t get rid of the fat guy this early on, would they?

And the loser is…

Fat Gay Alex.

Damn!  Oh well, Mystery always gets rid of the most hopeless first.  I guess poor Alex was just too Fat and too Gay to do anything for.  And after he sacrificed his Gold Chain for you, Mystery!  I hope he picks that chain up out of the trash before he leaves, just to stick it to Mystery’s jealous goggles.

So long Fat Gay Alex, we hardly knew ye.  Don’t take it too hard, fat guys CAN get women.  Gay guys CAN get women.  I’m sure Fat Gay guys can get chicks too!  You’ll be in my prayers.  Just keep up with the bling and you’ll be okay my friend.

Sadly, I have to admit this season looks pretty darn good.  I’m looking forward to seeing the rest of the Pick Up Artist Season 2, and doing more of these recaps.  What did you guys think?  Leave your thoughts in this thread.