Deelow writes:

So you are in a relationship, doesnt matter what kind of a relationship (could be ltr, mltr, oltr, fb etc.)… What signs that she exhibits (besides denying you sex») would be an indication that she views you as a provider more than a lover?

There are a lot of good explanations in the thread as to the signs these guys think signal a provider relationship.  But the real crux of the issue here is the question “What are the signs that the girl you’re with is just using you and isn’t really into you anymore?”

Let’s face it.  Sometimes girls just stay in a relationship with a guy they’re not really that into because they don’t want to be single.  Or, maybe they get into a “relationship” with a guy because they plan to use him for something – be it social status, money, security, whatever.  And sometimes, girls get into relationships, and then get bored and lose their passion for their partner.  Hey, it happens.  But I think Deelow is asking about the signals that your relationship might be in trouble.

The biggest factor is definitely the denial of sex.  This is probably the biggest signal that something is wrong with your relationship.  I mean, sometimes girls just can’t have sex.  Maybe their on their period and don’t feel like it.  Maybe their sick, or whatever.  But if there’s really not a good reason to not have sex, or the girl keeps coming up with excuses not to, then something is seriously wrong.  If she’s lost sexual interest in you, for whatever reason, then you’re not actually in a “romantic relationship” anymore.  After all, sex is a big part of romantic relationships, and once that disappears, all that’s left is utterly without passion, and that’s no fun for anyone.

Another tactic, and one that girls use to manipulate guys, is the girl your with may start bartering sex with you in exchange for things she wants.  This is a major sign that she doesn’t see your relationship as a “real” relationship.  After all, how can you be in a relationship with someone if you have to earn their affection every time?  Good, healthy relationships have affection present from both parties.  If she’ll only sleep with you if you pay her rent, buy her new clothes, take her on vacation, whatever – that’s a business transaction, not a relationship!  As soon as a woman starts bartering favors for sex, you know that something is wrong.  (NOTE:  This is not the same as a girl with-holding sex if you’ve upset her.  This is straight up “You give me what I want, I’ll give you what you want.”  There are no feelings involved here.)

Another thing to look out for is a lack of affection.  You can tell if a girl is not into you if she doesn’t kiss you, touch you, or let you kiss her or touch her.  A girl’s ability to show affection towards the man she’s in a relationship with is directly proportional to how she feels about him.  A lack of attraction constitutes a lack of affection.  If she doesn’t kiss you back when you kiss her, if she doesn’t want to snuggle up next to you, and most importantly – if you have sex and she doesn’t appear to enjoy it, or doesn’t put forth an effort to participate — you know for sure something is wrong.

There’s also a “lack of communication” factor.  A girl who cares about you, likes you, and wants to be with you will stay in communication with you.  She’ll call, text, email, hang out, go out with you, and all that other good stuff.  But a girl who’s no longer interested will pull back on the communication.  She won’t call you back.  She’ll take her time returning your texts and emails.  She’ll be too busy to hang out or go out with you.  When this happens, something is definitely wrong.  And if she only is responsive if she needs something from you, that’s a sure sign you’re being used as well.  HOWEVER, its important to note that this is meant to be “general behavior,” in the sense that she does this type of thing constantly.  If she goes out with her friends one night and doesn’t return a call or text, that’s not a bad thing.  But if she makes it a habit of never being responsive, or never having time/or interest in hanging out with you, that’s when you should be worried.

Just be on the lookout for these types of signs.  Remember that a good, healthy relationship is one in which both you and her are happy.  It can have its ups and downs, but as long as there is intimacy and trust, it can last.  Keep an eye out for these signs.  If you feel she’s manipulating you, call her out on it.  If you feel she’s losing interest, ask her about it and try to fix things.  It can be done.

Anyways, a buddy of mind told me I needed to listen to a song called Girls Lie Too, and I gotta tell you it’s one of the funniest… and most realistic… songs I’ve heard in a long time.

The video is awesome, on par with an 80’s metal video, and the ending is hilarious.  You can check it out at:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=plJMQeKpz40

Now, while the video is funny, it’s worth paying attention to all the words because they are pure, unadulterated reality most guys just want to believe doesn’t exist.

Yes, Virginia, girls lie too.  And they are very, very good at it.

Now, does that mean they do it with deliberate intent to harm you?  No, not at all. You see, women communicate on a much more emotional level than men and the most important thing to women in their communication is to cause no pain.

Oftentimes they will dance around issues that should be discussed, or not tell things they should because they know it’s going to be a painful combination.  There’s no right or wrong about it, it’s just how women communicate.

What should you do about it as a man?  The truth is this:  nothing.  It’s just how women communicate, and oftentimes they do so in this manner to make men feel good.

But another reason women do it in this day and age of the girlie man is that they’ve all had the experience of telling a man the truth, and watching him react like an emotional 3 year old.  It’s a shocking experience for them, so they choose not to repeat it.

The only thing you can do is learn to interpret her communication, and understand her true intent.  It’s not as hard as it sounds—pay attention to the full spectrum of a woman’s communication and you’ll understand what she’s trying to get across.

Besides, all lies aren’t a bad thing.  I quite enjoy it when a woman says MY height doesn’t matter even though she likes tall men, and that *I* look good as a balding man even though she loves men with hair, and that *I* look great in a t-shirt although she likes men who dress up more.

All lies, damn lies.

Tell me more, please!

On with the fun,

-John Alanis