Welcome to a new feature on the Lair – PUA DEATHMATCH!  For years, people have speculated who would prevail should two PUAs go head-to-head in the field, but until now, none have occured!

Many challenges have been offered, yet we haven’t seen any PUA’s willing to make it happen… until NOW!

Meeting for the first time in mortal combat in the Thundercat Seduction Arena in Orlando, Florida – scheduled for one fall, the two “Godfathers” of the seduction community meet in the first ever PUA DEATHMATCH!

Everyone loves to hate him, and now the originator of Speed Seduction -Ross Jeffries – gets a chance to take on his once-and-former student David DeAngelo!  Its no secret there is a lot of bad blood between these two titans of the seduction industry, and now they get a chance to take out their frustrations on each other!  Will RJ stop at nothing to defeat David DeAngelo?  Will David D.’s meticulous nature wear down the dastardly hypnotist?

Who will win?  Who will survive?  Watch and see in this TSL exclusive:  PUA DEATHMATCH, ROSS JEFFRIES VS. DAVID DEANGELO!!!!!

And if you have any suggestions for future Deathmatches, leave them in the comments below!

Welcome one and all to this year’s edition of my Top 10 PUA list.  My Top 10 list is different from most people’s, for a few reasons.  The first of which is I try and personally meet and interact with as many PUAs as I can to get a sense if they’re the real deal or not.  Most people out there just rank their friends or go based off of what the message boards say, but I try and base my rankings on my personal experience – not only with the PUAs themselves, but with the techniques of picking up women in general.

But more than that, I base my rankings on more than just sheer skill at picking up women.  The criteria for the rankings are simple:

1.  In-Field Performance. This is basically the skills the PUA displays in the field with women.  Most Top 10s deal with this factor exclusively, but I’ve found that just looking at a guy’s in-field performance can be misleading, since people have off-nights or can get lucky.  That said, their ability to use the techniques in field repeatedly and consistently to get results is a big, big factor in the ranking process.

2.  Innovations. This is what new outlook or techniques the PUA brings to the table.  It’s easy for any new guy to get good using Mystery Method or any other school of seduction, but then again, that stuff is designed to work!  So being innovative and bringing a new twist, spin, philosophy, technique, or whatever to the mix is also a big deal, because that means the PUA actually has something to contribute to his students and the community as a whole that no one else does.

3.  Teaching Ability. This is how effectively the PUA can teach what he does to other people, and have them get similar results.  This is another important factor, because it weeds out the people who are just the lucky naturals, and finds the PUAs who have something to offer humanity as a whole.  After all, I don’t care if a guy gets laid a lot.  I care if that guy can get ME laid a lot – and I think the same is true for you.  That is why I factor in the PUA’s ability to teach others into the ranking.

4.  Contributions To The Community.  This is a measure of how much the PUA “gives back” to others in the seduction community.  This factor is all about the PUA’s willingness to help others, the knowledge and experience he’s willing to share, and the compassion he shows to those who need help.  Too many PUAs look down on people not as successful with women as they are, and that’s not what the seduction community is about, so giving back to it should play a factor, in my opinion.

5.  Philosophy.  This comes down to the PUA’s outlook on life, women, and other men in general.  It’s about how they live their lives, and whether they’re consistent with it.  Some PUAs spout great philosophy, but don’t really believe in it or practice it.  But it’s that core foundations which will influence their students, so I believe this is important in factoring the rankings.

6.  Likability.  One of the things I base my ranking on is whether I actually like the PUA or not.  This is a subjective thing, but I feel its important, because there’s usually a reason I don’t like someone, and that reason has to do with them being a fake, fraud, evil bastard, or what have you.  I like to think I have a fairly decent “B.S. Radar,” so when I meet a PUA in person, I can usually tell if they are legit or not after getting to know them, which is why I tend to rank PUAs I have actually met in real life.  If I haven’t met them, I need to get good feedback from at least 3 sources I trust to make the decision to rank them in this category.

Okay, so now that you know how I rank the list, let’s get to it!

The Top 10 PUAs Of 2009!

1.  AFC ADAM

We have a new #1 this year, up from #2 last year, and it is my great pleasure to announce that the top pick up artist of 2009 is AFC Adam Lyons.

Now, this might come as a surprise to many people out there, especially considering that Adam is one of the few pick up instructors out there who is actually married, but hear me out here…

First of all, Adam is one of the rare PUAs out there that is an innovator.  He’s personally responsible for coming up with some of the most exciting new material out there when it comes to meeting women and picking them up.  His lectures on “Meta game” alone can rival anything Mystery would lecture about back in the day, and his methods have proven to be effective time and time again.

Adam is also probably one of the most widely traveled PUA instructors operating today.  Not only has he run bootcamps around the US, but he also does numerous workshops overseas as well, proving that his methods work internationally.

In addition to all that, and probably one of the biggest reasons why he won out for the top spot this year, is that the students at Adam’s bootcamps get some of the most amazing results I’ve ever seen at any bootcamp anywhere – and consistently at that.  It’s not unusual for his students to get some type of close at his workshop, some of which have even boasted a 100% close rate – in which every single workshop student either made out with a girl or had sex within the time period of the bootcamp.

This is also reflected in the enormous amount of good reviews that Adam and his workshops get consistently from students.  Adam is able to tailor his teachings and his approach to help his students get great results.  Does that mean every student Adam gets is 100% satisfied?  Probably not, since some guys out there have a hard time learning these methods, but from my experience, a ton of guys out there, and the majority of the people who take an AFC Adam bootcamp, are happy with the attention they received and the results they got.

Adam has also gotten a lot of press in 2009 – good press which is a positive reflection on the Seduction Community in general, from TV appearances to full page profiles in major magazines, Adam’s savvy media skills prove that pick up isn’t sleazy or sexist, but can actually be healthy for both men and women.

But most of all, Adam is also responsible for personally training a HUGE number of PUA’s who teach other rival companies workshops.  Not since Mystery have I met a PUA who was personally responsible for spawning so many pick up instructors.  If you’ve taken a workshop from any company, chances are you’ve met an instructor who was trained by AFC Adam Lyons.

Probably the biggest criticism I can think of about Adam being the #1 PUA in the world for 2009 is the fat that he is married.  It can be argued how can one have a Pick Up Artist who isn’t able to actually pick up women?

Again, this is where my list differs from most.  I don’t just look at a PUA’s ability to get numerous women to sleep with him.  To me, there are many other factors that play a pivotal role in my rankings.  But to me, getting married is NOT a strike against a pick up artist.

I believe that a PUA who has a girlfriend or a steady relationship of some sort is a sign of mastery.  The fact that AFC Adam not only got married this year, but got married to an amazing (and beautiful) woman is a huge sign of the level of relationship mastery this pick up artist has achieved.  After all, what is the point to mastering one’s love life if that love life is nothing but a stream of meaningless one night stands and shallow relationships that don’t bring either party any sense of lasting happiness?

To me, finding a great girl and falling in love and getting married is extremely END GAME.  Adam not only found a great girl, but also continues to teach PUA with her help AND support.  What other PUA can boast that type of achievement while continuing to have a have a healthy relationship?  (Answer: not many!)

And though Adam is married, he is still able to demonstrate his teachings to his students effectively.  Sure, he may not be the “uber-pua” he used to be, rolling into clubs with 40 women at a time, all of which were competing to sleep with him, but that doesn’t make his methods any less effective.

Because of all this, and the fact that my interactions with Adam continue to prove that he is a well balanced, intelligent, and god natured human being, leads me to give the crown of the world’s #1 PUA of 2009 to him.

2.  Brad P.

Last year’s number one falls to the number two spot this year, not because his skills have diminished at all, but because Adam just brought his A-Game in 2009.

Brad P. is still an incredibly innovative PUA, and I would argue that he’s “de-throned” Mystery as the figurehead of the Seduction Community.  Not only is Brad aon the forefront of teaching workshops here in the US, but he’s also mastered the art of helping his students reach amazing results.

In fact, Brad’s biggest achievement this year comes in the form of his Pick Up Mansions, where his students live in LA with almost daily interaction with instructors where they’re taken out to clubs in Hollywood and taught everything they need to know about getting super hot women.

Brad actually took me on a tour of the two Pick Up Mansions operating in Hollywood, and I must say, I was quite impressed.  In a way, it sort of reminded me of the days of Project Hollywood, only the houses weren’t as nice and there was far less drama and way more girls involved.

Like Adam, Brad is also training quite a formidable stable of qualified instructors, though they seem to be only working within his business at the moment as opposed to the numerous people Adam has trained which moved on to chase their own fame as Pick Up Instructors.

Like Adam, Brad’s workshops consistently get great reviews, and Brad’s skills as a pick up artist are sharper than most people’s I’ve seen in this industry.  And unlike most PUA’s, Brad doesn’t have an ego about his skills.  He freely admits that Pick Up is hard, and he doesn’t always get the girl he wants, but he never stops trying, and that kind of truthfulness is extremely refreshing in an industry where PUAs continually overexagerate their prowess to get more male applaumb.

On the training front, Brad still boasts one of the best darn seduction products on the market – his 30/30 club, which I personally think is amazing.  Brad’s focus on quality never ceases to amaze me.  He actually turns away students for his 30/30 Gold club because he can only give so much personal attention!  It’s this dedication to his students and sheer skill in the field that makes Brad one of the top PUA’s of 2009.

And who knows?  Maybe next year he’ll be able to reclaim the #1 spot.  I guess we’ll see.

3.  Neil Stauss (“Style”)

A mainstay of the Top 10 retains his number three spot this year, though in sheer individual skill, Neil has never been anything less than #1 in my book.  But again, my rankings go by many other factors than just individual skill, which is why I ranked Adam and Brad above the “Master” pua Style.

Neil’s Stylelife Academy continues to teach numerous students amazingly effective techniques straight from Neil’s playbook, and they have also started putting on live seminars to help teach people how to live full and well-rounded lives.  For that, Neil must be commended, but even with all that, Neil himself has been relatively absent from the community this year.

This isn’t a criticism, since Neil is a professional author as opposed to a professional pick up artist and has other responsibilities, but gone are the times where we’d see Neil posting his latest adventure, technique, or criticism on a public forum, which is a real shame.

However, like most master PUAs, Neil does have a new girlfriend who he has been having crazy, wile, sexual adventures with.  Neil has even boasted to me how he has regular threesomes, foursomes, and even FIVESOMES (all women, of course) now, which has pretty much zapped his motivation to go out and pick up.  Not that I can blame the guy!

It used to be Rick H. was the gold standard by which one would judge PUA orgies.  Now it seems that title is going to belong to Neil.

Neil’s books also continue to recruit new blood into the community on a daily basis, and he’s truly solidified his position as a “Grand Master” of the seduction community.  Hopefully 2010 will bring us more vintage Neil.

4.  Cajun

Cajun is one of two Love Systems instructors who made it onto this year’s top 10, and in my opinion, it is long over due.  Cajun is probably most famous for his appearance of the TV show “Keys to the VIP,” where he showed his skills in club approaches in a competition setting.

That was early in his career though.  Since then, I’ve heard about how Cajun has come a long, long way.  I actually got to meet Cajun in Las Vegas this year at the annual Love Systems Superconference, and was quite impressed with the vibe I got off him when I did.  Unfortunately, I did not get to hang out with him as much as I would have liked.

However, I have heard from numerous sources that Cajun is the “real deal” when it comes to not only being a solid instructor, but a tried-and-true pick up artist in his own right.  I’m also hearing rumors that he’s developing some of his own techniques to fit within the Love Systems “Mystery Method-esque” style of pick up.

So Cajun debuts at #4 based on his sheer skill and prowess as a pua, and his ability as an instructor.  I’m hoping I can see more of him in 2010.

5.  Mystery

I debated including Mystery on this year’s list or not.  I don’t think it can be disputed that Mystery is a great pick up artist, but 2009 did not seem to be his year.  His VH1 show got canceled, and it would appear his fame hasn’t helped his game much.  I’ve heard numerous reports from various sources that his reputation as a “Pick Up Artist” has made it very difficult for him to actually pick up girls in clubs here in America, who recognize him and prefer to run away as opposed to giving into his shtick.

This may explain why Mystery is spending most of his time in Thailand now.  But not all is bad, the cancellation of the TV show has forced Mystery to teach more workshops in 2009, and no matter what you say about Mystery, you can’t deny that he’s a darn good teacher.

I’m really hoping Mystery comes back to his roots in 2010.  It would be nice to see him actually get excited about pick up again, and engage with the community at large.  Sure, he’s a daddy now, and that seems to have grounded him, but I miss the Mystery I knew in 2004 and 2005, and I really hope he can make a comeback soon, because that guy revolutionized the seduction community.  Can he do it again?  I sure hope so.

6.  Swinggcat

Swinggcat has always been a bit of an enigma in the Seduction Community.  He started off as the top “hypno-seducer” in the community, and eventually branched out into his own style of pick up, which has proven to be extremely successful.

But with his branching out, he has also removed himself from the seduction community at large.  Its very rare to find a post from him in any of the forums, even though he’s known to keep careful tabs on what people are writing.

But in actual, individual skill as a pick up artist, few come close to Swinggcat.  His ability to go out to a club and get laid is rivaled by few.  He’s not only a master of the “in-venue” close (read:  dragging a girl into a bathroom, closet, or alleyway and having sex), but he’s also quite good at getting one night stands by pulling girls back to his appartment.

He’s also able to get threesomes quite easily, and goes out to the clubs on an almost regular basis.  But 2009 has also seen Swinggcat branch out.  He’s not only started training instructors in his methods, but he’s also flirted with teaching in-field workshops, which up to now only a select few have been privy to.

If Swinggcat continues to grow as a teacher and engages more in the seduction community at large, I can see him climb the rankings next year very easily.

7.  Luke Krogh

To be honest, Luke probably deserves to be ranked higher on this list than he is, but in terms of experience and reach, the others just outrank him.  However, in skill, Luke can probably play with the best of them.

One of the things I like about Luke is that he’s an extremely effective PUA, even though he’s overweight, has a bad complexion, and would not be the typical image of a “pick up artist.”  In fact, I’d say Luke is the epitome of the “Looks Don’t Matter” argument when it comes to picking up women.

Luke is AFC Adam’s top instructor, and his apprentice.  In that respect, Luke isn’t really an innovator, but he has figured out how to get Adam’s teachings to work for him.  He’s famous for his AMOG techniques for blowing out the (often better looking) competition and running away with their women.

But Luke is also getting lots of play in clubs and strip clubs, often pulling girls directly from the venues for nights of crazy, wild, monkey love.

On top of all that as a skilled PUA, Luke is also an instructor on many of AFC Adam’s bootcamps, and his students are usually incredibly impressed with his teaching abilities.  That’s not to say Luke doesn’t suffer from the A.D.D. that seems to plauge most PUAs, but at least he’s able to get most of his students a result, and he’s got real world experience to back that up.

If Luke can start innovating more and continue to refine his teaching techniques, I wouldn’t be surprised if we’d see the next big PUA superstar.

8.  Keychain

Keychain came as a big surprise to me this year.  I had never heard of the guy before attending the Love System’s Superconference this year, and when I first met this Love Systems instructor, I was unsure what to make of him.  The guy looks like a scrawny, British, almost less-annoying version of Carrot Top.  In fact, he almost comes off as effeminate when you first meet him.

But after seeing him lecture at the event, I could see that not only is he probably one of Love Systems best lecturers, but he also has a very firm grasp of the concepts and techniques surrounding the pick up arts.

I’m also told his skill level as a PUA is quite good too, though I unfortunately did not get a chance to see him in action myself this year, but I have sources who assure me the guy is the real deal.

Hopefully I’ll get to see and hear more from Keychain in 2010.  He’s definitely one I’ll be keeping an eye on.

9.  Glen P.

Glen P is one of the few PUAs who made it on the list this year that I did not get to meet, and the only PUA on the list that I have actually NEVER met at one point or another.

So it speaks volumes that everyone I talk to about him is incredibly impressed with Glen’s skill as a Pick Up Artist.

Glen is an instructor in the Brad P camp, and supposedly he has a style which is mostly his own.  Students rave about his prowess as both a pick up artist and an instructor, and I’ve even heard hidden audio recordings which showcases Glen’s ability to cold approach and pick up anywhere.

One of my goals for 2009 was to meet Glen P in person, but unfortunately that just did not happen.  I’m sure that Glen probably deserves a higher spot on the list, but the fact that every bit of info I have on the guy is from second and thrid party sources makes that kind of hard.

However, his legend and reputation is growing.  Who knows?  Maybe 2010 will be the year of Glen?

10.  Asian Playboy

This year’s list rounds out with that of Asian Playboy, one of the few successful Asian pick up instructors.  I’ve had the pleasure of meeting Asian Playboy a few times, and I’ve always enjoyed it.  But his skill as a pick up artist and a businessman seems to be growing as time goes on.

I have it on good authority from more than a few sources that Asian Playboy is out in the field almost CONSTANTLY, which is always a good sign for a guy who teaches Pick Up.  Also, his specialty in picking up “white women” seems to be why his appeal is growing in the asian community.

Asian Playboy is also becoming a lot more media savvy, gaining more mainstream exposure for his methods and his business.

I did not get to hang out with Asian Playboy in 2009, but I don’t doubt that there is no better Asian pick up artist out there.  Can he compete with the other PUAs on this list?  Quite possibly.  Hopefully 2010 will bring us more from the Asian Playboy camp.

So there you go, true believes, this year’s top 10 PUA list!  I’d like to thank everyone reading this for supporting my blog, even though it hasn’t been updated in forever (something I’m making a resolution to correct this year!).

And for those of you who want to be considered for the top 10 next year, here are a few guidelines you’ll want to consider…

1.  Be innovative!  Don’t just copy someone else’s style.  Come up with something that is uniquely your own.

2.  Make contributions to the community.  This can be in the form of posts, lair meetings, workshops – anything where you help guys improve their lives.

3.  Promote healthy relationships.  Show that you can have a steady girlfriend or a healthy relationship with a girl.

4.  Check your ego.  If other people talk about you, you’re probably good.  If you’re the only one talking about you, you probably suck.

5.  Try and meet me in person.  I very rarely rank someone I haven’t personally met at some point, and there is a reason for that.  If you want to seriously be considered for a 2010 ranking, we gotta meet up – preferably in LA, so I don’t have to travel. 

That’s it!  Happy new year everyone!

Thundercat

In my last article I promised something for new guys so here it is, also if there’s anything you guys would really like me to cover then leave a comment and I’ll see about making a post .

To often do newbie and even intermediate guys focus on advanced concepts and ideas that either do nothing for them, or else make them seem weird without the fundamentals. In fact I suggest that all guys, including advanced, touch back on the fundamentals and make sure that they are either improving or not getting worse. This is a practice I do often actually. So exactly what are the fundamentals of game? I’ve thought about this and came up with the following…

-Body Language

-Tonality

-Eye Contact

-Light Kino (or touch) that isn’t creepy

-Vibing

-Being NORMAL

If you lack any of these six things then any other form of game is a complete waste of time. These six things make up the cake, the rest of game is the icing and decorating. Without the icing you might have a mediocre cake but with only the icing you don’t even have a cake. So lets break down each of these six things to get you started.

1. Body Language

In my mind there are two levels to Body Language. First thing to learn is the “Alpha” Body Language. Basically taking up space, chest out, chin up, back straight ect ect. There are countless articles and exercises out there to develop this, from the Alexander Technique to imagining a string running down your spine. The idea is to give off a dominant and powerful masculine energy that portrays confidence. Your nonverbal signs are 93% of your communication, your actual words being only 7%.

Now keep in mind that with all new skill sets in game you’re going to go overboard with everything and overdo it…this is actually a GOOD thing because you can only calibrate what’s appropriate by doing to much of something and then balancing it. If it’s not to much then you’re not pushing yourself and if it’s been to much for a while then you need to learn to tone it back down again.

The second level to learn once the first is down is how to relax. You don’t want to be the guy who constantly has to look like superman and is always caught on the idea of looking alpha. It’s time to relax your shoulders and develop more fluid carefree motions. The most powerful form of body language is looking completely at ease and comfortable in your own skin, again without it seeming try hard though. Later on once these are down you can learn more advanced body language for particular situations such as opening, rapport building, sexual, take away’s ect ect.

2. Tonality

This is by far one of the hardest to learn with the exception of “being normal” for some people. Speaking clearly without mumbling, talking in a loud and crisp voice, getting rid of any kind of stutter or pause fillers such as “uh” “um” “you know” “like” or anything similar. Your voice should also be animated and lively, if you have a monotonous voice then anything you say will be boring and people will not pay attention to you. Always try and speak from your diaphragm which is located between your chest and stomach, being nasal is the most unattractive voice quality. Finally having a deep voice will always help and it should sound strong and masculine. This is actually where I could still develop the furthest out of the six fundamentals and will probably take vocal lessons to improve my tonality, that’s how serious it is.

3. Eye Contact

Again there are two levels for this one. The first is basic eye contact where you are simply able to hold someones gaze, especially a girls. You shouldn’t be staring but instead be relaxed by it and give almost a curious energy through your eyes. Looking at her tits or ass will be doom for you, unless it’s done in an advanced way but again we’re focusing on the cake not the icing, and I even had a girl shit test me one time on this. I was on a date and the girl had double D tits and began jumping up and down in front of me acting happy. The entire time I kept my eyes locked on hers while smirking and finally she stopped and looked at me and said “very good”.

Keep in mind the eyes can betray submissiveness by darting your eyes away or especially by looking down. Once this is mastered then the second level would be sexual eye contact. This is hard to explain in words but it’s basically looking at a girl with your full desire for her being expressed through your eyes. It takes great confidence and nonverbally puts everything out on the table. With sexual eye contact you are still looking into her eyes and should have what’s called “laser eyes” where you maintain eye contact completely. With sexual eye contact even if she looks away your eyes should be focused on hers, this is not staring or being creepy about it though and can often be misinterpreted through writing. Best way to learn this is by watching movies and observing the actors eyes before he kisses the girl or even better going out in field and observing a natural. When you see a natural with a girl watch the way he looks at her and see if you can tell his strong sexual intent for her just from his eyes, if you can then you’re seeing it done right.

4. Light Kino

Many guys in field have one of the two problems. Either they can’t muster the courage to even touch a girl in any way or else they are incredibly aggressive and creep the girl out with uncomfortable kino. If you’re the first you MUST get over this and begin touching the girl. You should actually be touching not just her but everyone, even guys! Pats on the shoulder, elbow touches, light hand holds, upper back and the such. Basically if a guy can’t get light touch going how in the world does he expect to get sexual touching going. Also the longer you are in an interaction with a girl and not touching her the more precedent you set for NOT touching her and when you finally do it will be much more awkward and uncomfortable. This doesn’t mean you have to touch RIGHT from the approach, although you can, but definitely within the first 2-3 minutes.

For the aggressive guy just tone it down. This guy is definitely better then the first but women will often find you creepy. The reason for aggressive touching early on is either being drunk, way to sexual and horny, or trying to be “alpha”. If it’s the first then drink less or not at all. If it’s the second then really just try and control yourself, keep in mind that if you control yourself now you’ll be able to get all the touching you want later. For the third guy he needs to get over the idea of being so “alpha” and tone it down, if your aggressive kino hasn’t been working why not try it another way?

5. Vibing

This is basically being able to hold a normal and pleasant conversation without any motive. Can you talk with a girl comfortably about anything and engage in what is called “fluff talk”? If not then even though you have all these cool attraction routines and interesting stories she’ll become uncomfortable with you or else never see you as a real person. Vibing helps build familiarity and is a way to show that you’re normal (see number 6). Point blank if you can’t talk to a girl normally then how do you expect to talk to her in a way that makes her attracted to you? To practice this begin conversations with everyone and see how long you can keep it flowing while talking about every day things. Chances are though you already know how to vibe. Think of your conversations with your best friend or family member, pretty easy going and normal without an agenda. The idea is to duplicate that with a stranger and the best way I’ve seen is by assuming rapport and just talking to her as relaxed as possible without any investment or care in the interaction.

6. Being NORMAL

This is the hardest to teach for those trying to learn. Many guys who come into this community without having the average fundamental social skills and then begin learning advanced attraction material which makes them weird. No matter how much theory or routines you know if you can’t be normal with a girl she will see through you and want nothing to do with you. Some weirdness is OK though and shows individuality…it can be cute quirks to a personality. However for the most part you want to be a normal fun guy. Without that as the backbone of your game then NOTHING will work. The best way to develop being normal is to engage in a bunch of different activities so that you’re thrown in social settings. Also developing social circles is EXTREMELY useful. You should have social circles of normal cool guys (not the D&D buddies sorry) as well as social circles of attractive girls. It’s OK to be in the friend zone, you WANT female friends. You will not become normal though by spending all your time discussing game with community guys or have the only idea of social interactions be from your nights of sarging.  Also developing a sense of humor and being aware of social feedback will help tremendously.

Alright so those are the fundamentals and I suggest everyone, no matter what your skill level is, to look into at least one of these things and try and improve it. These are all seriously the frames that hold up your game and if one should weaken due to lack of attention or development then it will all come down.

-Jarett aka Psych

Hey Guys,

For the new year I thought I’d tackle one of the first problems people experience within game and slowly move through the topics throughout the rest of 2009.

Are you afraid of approaching someone you like through a fear of rejection?

Do you get that horrible feeling in your stomach and begin to formulate 100 reasons why someone wouldn’t want to talk to you?

This is a lot more common than you would believe. There are a number of different products out there which will supposedly “fix” the fear of approaching strangers, especially ones you are attracted to. However, few of them take the time to understand why we have that fear in the first place. If you understand why you have this fear or anxiety, you can take steps to counter it. This is probably the biggest topic when it comes to understanding attraction. Well, that is to say, it is the one that most people have the biggest problem with. I constantly receive the same excuses time and time again when it comes to this subject.

1) I’m scared of approaching

2) I have a fear of rejection

3) They aren’t in the mood to be spoken to

4) She won’t think I look good enough

5) I can’t meet people in a park/cinema/night club

6) I’m not good enough for him/her

7) There’s no point, it won’t work

These are probably the most common reasons I am given as to why someone can’t approach, or the feeling that is preventing them from approaching. The fact that these are so prevalent is because they are all based on very real psychological factors to do with learning and behaviour.

Anxiety is defined by Seligman, Walker and Rosenhan (2001) as a physiological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components. These factors essentially make up the feelings that we experience as fear, apprehension, and worry.

There are some physical sensations that you will probably be aware of such as heart palpitations, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, sweaty palms, shaking and perhaps headaches. These may be common to you. Some people will disguise these by making a decision not to approach. This will relieve the sensations and instead leave a sort of “numbness” to the situation.

Sigmund Freud himself believed that these anxious feelings were created by an association between a past negative experience and the current situation. These associations are often false and not related through causality – the idea that one situation directly affects another, but through correlation – one thing “tends to affect another over repeated attempts.”

When people begin to see this correlation as a fact, it is commonly referred to as “Magical Thinking.”

There are two governing principles behind magical thinking. The first is the law of similarity which is the notion that things that resemble each other are casually connected in some way that defies scientific testing.

For example:

Here people will typically see vertical columns of squares and circles as opposed to horizontal mixed rows of squares and circles.

The second law is the law of contagion which is the belief that “things that have been in physical contact or in spatial or temporal association with other things retain a connection after they are separated.” Contagion effects have been noted to be more effective with negative associations than with positive ones. This is probably best explained by the notion of getting “bad luck” or having a bad time every time you go to a specific venue.

Freud believed that the anxiety or fear was maintained through a form operant conditioning. Essentially the feeling of anxiety is reinforced every time you are in a similar situation. You then “learn” to remove the negative feeling of anxiety by not approaching. These connections of patterns, or “magical thinking,” are common throughout all the human societies across the world. The human brain is adept at forming these patterns, though we do not have a particularly good system for distinguishing between real and perceived connections. Theoretically this is due to a simple survival tactic. If we notice rustling behind a bush it is better for us to assume it is some form of threat and begin to prep our bodies to defend ourselves rather than ignore it and risk being eaten.

Our fear or anxiety response is actually designed to help us survive in a fight or flight scenario. Believe it or not the symptoms detailed earlier are all beneficial to us in times of survival. Perspiration occurs to help cool us down, heart rate increases to improve blood circulation and muscles tighten as they are filled with oxygen in preparation for use. Unfortunately these are not particularly beneficial when we are looking for something witty to say during a conversation with someone.

In short we learn the fear through a number of negative experiences and then reinforce them by not doing anything about it. The bodies natural reaction towards a fearful situation is the feeling we associate with approach anxiety or the fear of the approach. The way to overcome this is to reverse the learning.

All of the common problems detailed above can be directly related to either “magical thinking” in the form of a false belief that failure is almost certain due to some form of connection to a previous situation that failed. Or pure fear learnt and reinforced by not approaching. These are both forms of self fulfilled prophecy i.e. Unless you actively do something to fix it they will continue to support themselves. The good news is that this problem is far from unfixable.

The bad news is that it does take time. The easiest way to fix this is to actually go out and meet new people. The problem is that when you do this, any negative experience you receive is likely to reinforce the previous attitude or fear you had before. As I’ve mentioned before one of the easiest ways to get around this is to simply meet people for the sake of meeting people.

Most of us are actually more than happy to talk to other people, especially on boring long journeys, or when waiting in a long queue. Get used to talking to absolutely everybody, male or female, young and old. This should help you generate a great deal of positive responses to your approaches and help curb some of those negative connections.

I hope this helps guys,

Adam Lyons

(AFC Adam)