Women generally find calm, collected men more attractive, and scientists now suggest they know the biology of why that is.

Investigations into what makes men desirable often focus on testosterone. The hormone is linked with masculine facial traits, such as larger jaws and heavier brows, and is typically associated with better long-term health. As such, it might at first glance make sense from an evolutionary point of view if women found testosterone-laden men especially attractive.

However, past studies have often revealed that men with high testosterone levels are not automatically appealing to women, who view such testosterone-laden men as having long-term drawbacks. For instance, the macho guys may lead a “player’s” lifestyle, or may also be bad parents.

Instead, human behavioral ecologist Fhionna Moore at the University of Abertay Dundee in Scotland and her colleagues focused on the stress-linked hormone cortisol. Persistently high levels of cortisol can suppress not just the immune system, but also reproductive function. As such, it would make sense if women preferred men with low cortisol levels — that is, those who are not stressed out.

The whole article goes on to talk about how guys who are more laid-back, relaxed, and happy-go-lucky were generally found more attractive than “alpha male” types with high testosterone levels.  I think this comes down to a “looks vs. personality” debate.  Yes, the study was done based on looks, as in a “macho” looking guy vs. a “laid back” looking guy, but when it comes down to it, women prefer a man who has a personality that’s more conducive to what they enjoy, as opposed to a good-looking meathead.

Personality is always the great equalizer in attraction.  Looks fade, the novelty wears off, and when that happens, you’re just stuck with who the person is, and to a lot of women, that matters a great deal.

Aum writes:
when i go to a club. I always get intimidated by the other guys in the club who are lot taller, well built and dress a lot better than me. When i see girls, i get this feeling of inadequacy. I really hate myself because of this. I am working out really hard every day and trying to dress better but never feel good enof. Any advice on chaning my perspective on this? please help!!! this is kiiling me.

I feel ya bro.  Speaking as an overweight, bald, ugly slob myself, I know all too well what it feels like to walk into a club and see all these other guys who are way better looking than you are.  Heck, even my friends who I go out with tend to be better looking than me!  lol.

But here’s the thing…

First off, you gotta realize that this is NOT a competition.  You look how you look, and other guys look how they look, so you need to stop comparing yourself to other dudes right away.  There’s always going to be someone out there better looking, taller, funnier, smarter, richer, etc. than you are.  So you can’t worry about them.  If you feel the need to compete with those guys, you will ALWAYS lose, because you will always find people who have something you don’t.

The next thing you have to realize is that looks aren’t as important as most guys make them out to be.  We tend to think that because we judge girls based on their looks, they judge us based on ours.  And while that may be true for some women, the vast majority can see beyond your looks because women are affected more by their emotions than anything else.  So if you have the ability and knowledge to make a woman feel the emotions you want her to feel, then you are on equal footing with the guys you think are more physically attractive than you.

Understand that PERSONALITY is the great equalizer in attraction.  You can be an ugly guy, but if you’re funny and interesting, you can be more attractive to a girl than a male model is.  Some women won’t go for physically unattractive guys, but some women will, because each woman has her own model of what she finds attractive and sexy.  You just need to find the women that feel YOU fit their model and do your thing to get them.  Don’t worry about the girls who want a guy who’s taller or better built than you are, because there are a billion other girls who will respond to what you have to offer.

The ability to build comfort, trust, and rapport, and then lead that into attraction is the most essential skill of any pick-up artist.  With that model, you can get women who maybe aren’t interested in you at first, to BECOME interested in you eventually.  This is important to understand, because attraction has nothing to do with logic or any of your pre-concieved notions of what women think are attractive.

Just know this – your self esteem is the greatest indicator of how successful you will be with attracting girls to you.  The greater your self esteem, the more women you will attract.  Guard it jealously!  If you constantly put yourself down because you feel other guys are more attractive than you are, guess what?  You’re not going to get ANY success with girls because you’ll be too busy sabotaging yourself.  If you really want to get past this, you need to stop all judgement, and focus on the qualities about yourself that are POSITIVE and ATTRACTIVE, and stop worrying about how you compare to other people.

If you really want to learn more about this, check out my course Pure Personality.  It’s all about how to get past your looks and build attraction based on who you are as opposed to what you look like.

Fellow Pirates,

Have you ever noticed how when you’re not trying to pick up girls, they seem to be more interested in you? And when you deliberately try, it’s like they scatter away. There’s been many ways to explain this, (inner game issues, outcome attachment, a sixth sense that girls have, etc) I have been thinking about this for a few days, letting it brew since I got the original idea. I think there’s a scientific basis for it. Let me try and set this up for you so it makes sense.

I just finished reading a book by Daniel Pink called Drive, which is essentially a book on motivation. I don’t intend to summarize the whole book in one paragraph but I will give you a brief introduction. Pink introduces the idea of Motivation 2.0 which is the rewards/punishment model of behavioral psychology (he calls it carrots and sticks) and he makes the case that it is an outdated model that no longer works in our current business climate.

He then talks about a new kind of motivation, dubbed 3.0, which centers on the research of Edward Deci and Self-Determination Theory (SDT) Essentially this new model of motivation is based on 3 core needs all humans have in order to enjoy what they do. They are: Autonomy (to have the freedom to set your own schedule and choose your own projects), Mastery (to get better at something) and Purpose (to have your work mean something)

What researchers have found through experiments is that Motivation 2.0 works really well for tasks that are algorithmic in nature. So if a job is comprised of a series of steps that are clearly laid out, then carrots and sticks work really well, that is the larger the reward, the better the performance. However, this model falls really short when tasks are creative in nature, require conceptual thinking and are not clearly laid out. In fact it falls really flat. Time and time again, researchers found that the large reward cripples people’s ability to do even simpler tasks like solving a puzzle.

In fact there are several well-documented averse effects that rewards/punishments introduce when dealing with creative tasks: (I’m only listing the ones that are relevant to the discussion here as we’ll see in a bit)
1) First rewards/punishments really crush creativity and ingenuity.
2) Second, they can extinguish intrinsic motivation, so the activity becomes more work and less fun.
3) It narrows down thinking and encourages cheating, shortcuts and unethical behavior (like a salesperson lying to you so he can make his quota)
4) It fosters short-term thinking

So how is this relevant to our discussion?

When we look at the idea of attracting women, do you think that it’s an algorithmic (i.e. step by step) type of task or a more creative type of task? Regardless of what PUA’s tell you, I would argue that it’s more of a creative task requiring ingenuity, wit, creativity, etc. There is no system that is clearly laid out, step by step that will guarantee results.

Now, assuming this, when you go out with the sole purpose of approaching women or picking up women, what type of motivation do you have in mind? Again, I would argue that you’re operating more out of a reward/punishment mindset where the reward is sex (or maybe a relationship) and the punishment is loneliness.

Given this, it’s no wonder that your tongue gets tied and you’re stuck trying to think of what to say next. Your brain has a clear destination in sight and is asking for the algorithm (the formula) of how to get there!! All your creativity is gone and if you try to do this all the time, as many PUA’s say you should practice relentlessly, then it slowly starts to feel like work and it’s no longer fun. And the most dangerous part is that you’re now thinking short-term and you tend to disregard longer term consequences. You want to get laid and you’ll do it at any cost, thus behavior such as trying to get the girl drunk or trying to force her (unethical behavior) definitely comes to mind!! If you’re a good guy, you’ll just leave frustrated.

This is also known as being attached to the outcome, but given the rewards/punishment model and 30+ years of scientific research to back it up, it’s a lot simpler to understand if seen in this light.

On the other hand, when you’re out having fun and not even thinking about pick-up, you’re being yourself, your entire creative mind is available to you so you’re naturally witty, charming and creative, and if the reward doesn’t even enter your mind (or you somehow DON’T think of sex as a reward) then you’re free to act as you please and things end up in intimacy it’s no big deal.

It’s the equivalent of the painter who’s painting for fun rather than for a commissioned piece. He doesn’t know where the painting is going to end up, he has no fixed end in sight and is simply enjoying the process but is tweaking as he goes. Research in fact found the pieces produced through this process were seen as much better work (and thus of higher value) by art appraisers than pieces that were paid for in advance.

In conclusion, we’re faced with the question of “How do you implement this in a way that reverses the negative effects of reward/punishment thinking and act more naturally?”

I only have two ideas, but am leaving this open for discussion:

1) Don’t focus on sex or relationship as a reward and loneliness as punishment. Go out there with the focus on having fun and enjoying yourself, not to run game.

2) Change the meaning of sex/relationship from a reward you get to something that happens. It’s not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Sure it’s hard to ignore horniness when you see lots of scantily clad young women throwing their sexuality around like a status symbol. When sex is no longer a reward or loneliness no longer a punishment you’re finally free.

This is just a hypothesis of mine and clearly not a scientific theory so take it with a grain of salt. It’s just a different way of thinking that maybe will help you answer the question of what to do or understand what people mean by “just be yourself” or “do whatever you feel like doing”

As always, excellent advice from Zan.  :-)

Today I am really excited to share this new video with you.

Why?

Because all my buddies I let “sneak a peek” at this video have told me how incredible it is, so I’m excited to hear your feedback on it.

After the “case study” where I went head-to-head with the two good looking guys, I corralled all the women into my apartment and revealed to them what it was we were REALLY doing there.

Needless to say, they were all shocked!

But ask I began to share with them the methods I used on them, a funny thing happened…

They actually began to get EXCITED about these personality techniques!

As you’ll see for yourself in the video, the girls are completely floored by some of the techniques.

Just go here now to check it out:

Click Here For The “What Women Think” Video

I’m sure you’ll be amazed at the kind of responses we get from the women.  (I know I was!)

P.S.  The video is kind-of long, running at about 60 minutes in length, so give it some time to load if it’s slow loading.  Trust me, its worth the wait!