Travellingwilbury writes:

Do you WANT to be single?

Considered posting this in the Relationships area, but it’s still a newbie question.

Let’s just say I haven’t had a lot of girlfriends. I’m not going to complain about that this time. I’ve been doing a lot of things wrong. At least I now know what they were. I’m feeling good about my ability to attract overall. The point is that I certainly haven’t had girlfriends serially – with small gaps between them, as many seem to.

In these questions I’m not talking about one night stands of fuckbuddies, I’m talking about relationships that last weeks and months…
Some guys have to put up with celibacy / no romance, for months. I don’t think any guys like being single, whereas girls seem to like it, or at least they are good at pretending to like it – freedom etc. A guy’s wife of many years dies, and I’ve seen it: he is seeing or even married to a woman 10 years younger than his late wife within 6 months. Some guys can’t stand a gap. Who here feels like they want very short gap? You might want more gap if the last relationship was emotional. But what does an alpha or a pua do when a relationship ends, assuming it didn’t end because he was already seeing another girl? Do you literally just decide that you need constant access to a woman’s body, any woman’s body and you just go out every night and day until you find one and then you can relax again, even if it takes a month?

Is that what you’re supposed to do? Loads of sudden concentrated effort. Are some of you driven to be single for only a short time. I’ve never done that. But my gaps were expected to be big, so I’ve never got used to being in a relationship, so I don’t notice the absence as much as some. I didn’t have a lot of girlfriends because I just assumed they would sort of turn up or approach me themselves. Some guys just seem to fall into relationships. It’s not just that they APPEAR effortless. I suspect they are REALLY making no effort, but they’re having everyday incidental contact with women in their lives anyway and they’re attractive, easy, handsome, well-groomed, by default and so no CONSCIOUS effort is needed.

I’m tortured by the concept that “It is easy to get a girlfriend!” because it is both true and false. If you really want one, it isn’t. If you don’t, but have a busy social life, it is. Correct? It’s easy or hard (or impossible) depending on your game, your expectations, your desperation and your lifestyle?

How long a gap could you stand? And how do you go about making sure a gap is short, if that is your preference? Approach every girl? Be impatient for a girl without seeming to be?

If I need to make efforts like that, I need more motivation and less nervousness – more exercise, and no salt, caffeine or masturbation.

Well, here’s how I see things…

First of all, this really comes down to a personal choice.  If you WANT to be in a relationship, it won’t take you too long to find one.  Relationships don’t have to be “good” relationships, they just have to be there.  I think every guy, at some point, has gotten into a relationship with a girl he wasn’t necessarily serious about because at the time, there was no one better for him to be with.  Some guys DON’T WANT to be in a relationship after they breakup with a girl, so it takes them longer.  And some guys want to, but they’re looking for a particular type of woman to be in a relationship with.

So depending on what you want, the time-frame from break-up to new girl can vary wildly.

Secondly, there is no such thing as a “no effort” when it comes to getting a girl, unless you’re wildly good looking or famous.  There’s always going to be stuff you HAVE to do if you want a girl to see you again, and commit to you in some type of relationship.  So even though it seems like there are guys out there who “fall into” relationships with no effort, that’s not really the case.  They do, in fact, do things to make that happen, and its probably because they want it to happen.

The worst thing you can do is, if you WANT a relationship, to sit around and do nothing, hoping that it will happen to you.  Waiting around for a girl to initiate something or for fate to step in is a losing proposition.  You need to meet girls, you need to hang out with girls, and you need to attract girls if you want a relationship of some type.

Taffer wrote:

Can't Close The Deal?

I ought to cut back on drinking, or texting, or the combination of both.

Last three girls I came close to bedding have courteously responded in a similar manner after my reinitiation attempts, questioning my game efficiency.

All three girls have this in common.

- initially very high attraction to me (kino, make outs, day2s)
- okay Day2s with one leading to Day3 and crappy sex performance on my side
- Immeditaley unavailable following Day2/3 180 change in ther attraction and commitment to seeing me

I could attribute this to, persistent periodic texting.
If I have a good Day2 I obviously wanna see this girl again in a week or two. Maybe I tried to set up the next date too soon because I waited as little as 4 days to 10 days after day2 to schedule next encounter.

Maybe it’s my personality, I’m very open-book type of guy which may put some people off.

There’s a chance I came across too relationshippy and didn’t continue to keep the attraction up.

Last girl responded with a version of this,

“Taffer, you’re a deeply loving individual deserving best treatment. I had a lovely time, but I’m seeing somebody else these days”

I’m aghast to have yet another girl responding with this “heartfelt” crap.

So I’m a great, awesome, caring guy, for SOMEONE ELSE! Tired of this crap.

How do I even react to something like this?
Lacking major calibration somewhere.

I’m at my wits end here folks. I’d appreciate any input you guys can offer.

There is definitely an issue going on here.  Typically, you have to have some measure of attraction to get a Day 2 (meeting after the initial encounter), so Taffer is definitely doing something right there.  But his game falls apart shortly thereafter with his Day 2 strategy.  Here’s why…

First of all, Day 2s are about building rapport and escalating attraction.  This is really the essential part that MUST be done if you’re looking to advance the relationship.  (I explain all of this in my course Consistent Close.)  You must keep building that comfort and trust and enhancing the attraction between you two if you want any shot of moving beyond a Day 2.  Closing with a make-out is always a good goal at the end of the date.

Second of all, 90% of pick-up is about the follow-up.  If you notice, Taffer thinks he’s texting the girl too much and that’s what’s getting him in trouble.  It’s not.  In fact, texting with a girl a lot is a GOOD thing because it keeps those connections you created alive and deepens rapport with her, eventually making her easier to close.  His problem is the “waiting 4 to 10 days to schedule the next encounter.”  Waiting too long to set up the next date can be a kiss of death when it comes to closing a girl.  You gotta strike while the iron is hot.  Try to set up the next meeting immediately or soon after the Day 2.  You can set up the next date for 4-10 days later if your both busy, but don’t WAIT that long to broach the subject!

So much about pick-up is timing.  You gotta act fast, because before you sleep with a girl, she has nothing invested in you.  After sleeping with her once (and preferably doing a good job so she’ll want to do it again), then you can relax on setting up the dates.  But until that happens, you gotta stay on the ball.

Allowing too much time to pass between meetings will allow any attraction you built up to dissipate, and you’ll also communicate that maybe you’re not really that interested in her, which will cause the girl to LJBF you.  If you set up a meeting right away and keep the connection and attraction strong with frequent flirty texting and phone sessions, the Day 3 should be a guaranteed lay.

Brian10212 writes:

I know it’s not a good idea to pay for girls when you first meet them but what about what you have texted them awhile back and forth or talked to them on the phone multiple times? They want to go out later and if you go to a bar or get something to eat then how do you guys handle the situation when the bill comes?

This is an interesting question because there are a lot of factors involved when it comes to picking up the tab on a date.

The first of which is whether or not you can afford to pay for dates.  I mean, most people are employed and have money, but I’m well aware there are guys out there who don’t have any extra cash to drop on a girl – especially girls who aren’t giving it up quite yet.

If you can’t afford to take girls out, then you gotta make it clear you wanna go dutch (ie: have her pay for herself and you pay for yourself) before you meet up.  Just ask her if its cool if you meet somewhere cheap because you’ve got a big bill coming due and you can’t afford to treat her at that time.  Don’t make it sound like your broke, just that your money is tied up at the moment.

However, if you’re not completely broke, here are my guidelines for when it comes to paying for chicks…

First of all, if you invite a girl out with you, its only polite that you be the one to pay.  After all, she wouldn’t be going out if it wasn’t for you.  So if I ask a girl to meet up, I’ll typically offer to pick up the bill when it comes around.  (By the way, a good trick is to not tell her you’re going to pick up the bill until it comes.  This way she’ll typically not order all that much.)

Try and schedule dates after meal times so you can avoid paying for food.  A good trick is to ask her when she’s going to eat dinner, then schedule to meet up an hour or two after that time for drinks, which are usually cheaper than meals.

When you’re meeting up for dates, go someplace low key and cheap, like a coffee shop or something.  However, if you transition to a bar, be prepared to pick up the tab for her drinks.

If the girl offers to pay, let her if you want.  I’ll usually say “That’s not necessary, I got this,” but if the girl insists on paying for herself, let her.  Some girls do this because they want to be independent, but some do it because they don’t want to sleep with you and don’t want you to feel like they’re taking advantage of you.  So don’t insist on paying unless you feel like burning some cash.

If you really wanna get sneaky, you can buy the first round at the bar, and then say “Next rounds on you!”  If the girl agrees, she’ll buy the next round.  If not, she won’t order anything more and you just saved yourself some cash.

Typically, I try to keep dates to $50 or less if its a girl I’m not sleeping with.  Some girls will use guys as ATMs with legs just to get free meals and drinks and stuff, and never give you anything in return, so beware of girls like this and keep the budget low.  However, if a girl is nice, and fun, and I’m already sleeping with her, I won’t be afraid to take her out to dinner or something like that.  Just pay attention to whether or not you feel like you’re being taken advantage of.

Also, I don’t base my spending habits on whether or not I’ve talked and texted with a girl for a while before meeting up.  I base it on the number of face-to-face meetings.  First date is always something casual and cheap, like meeting up for drinks at a cafe or coffee shop.  If we meet up again, then maybe I’ll take her out to dinner, or go to a bar.  If there’s a third date, I’ll pay no problem.  Your willingness to pay should go up with the number of times you see the girl face-to-face, not how often you’re in contact with her.

Of course, you can make it so that you never spend any significant amount of money on a girl, but eventually you might come off as being too cheap.  It really depends on how much you like the girl.  If she’s just a booty call you’re chasing, you’ll spend less on a girl like that than a girl you actually want to have a relationship with.

People who “hook up” for casual sex can have as rewarding a long-term relationship as those who take it slowly and establish a meaningful connection before they have sex, says a new study.

University of Iowa researchers analyzed relationship surveys and found that average relationship quality was higher for people who took it slowly than for those who became sexually involved in “hook-ups,” casual dating, or “friends with benefits” relationships.

However, having sex early on wasn’t the reason for this disparity, according to UI sociologist Anthony Paik. When he factored out people who weren’t interested in getting serious, he found that those who became sexually involved as friends or acquaintances and were open to a serious relationship were just as happy as those who dated but delayed having sex.

The study analyzed a survey of 642 heterosexual adults in Chicago. To measure the quality of the relationships, people answered questions about how much they loved their partner, their level of satisfaction with intimacy in the relationship, the future of the relationship, and how their lives would be different if the relationship ended.

“We didn’t see much evidence that relationships were lower quality because they started off as hook-ups,” Paik, an assistant professor in the College of Liberal Arts and Sciences, said in a UI news release.

“The study suggests that rewarding relationships are possible for those who delay sex. But it’s also possible for true love to emerge if things start off with a more Sex and the City approach, when people spot each other across the room, become sexually involved and then build a relationship,” he added.

I know that personally, most of my relationships grow out of the “casual dating” arena.  I know lots of girls think that having sex with a guy too soon will make him lose interest in her, but I’ve never found that to be the case.  If the guy is only interested in sex in the first place, then he probably will lose interest after getting what he wants (then again, he’d lose interest if it takes too long to get what he wants as well!).  But if a guy is open to having a relationship, and sex happens quickly, that can actually speed up the process by which he’s willing to be in a relationship.

So this study isn’t really that surprising to me.

Ali123 writes:
Ok I’ve been doing this online gaming for a year or two but only inthe last 2-3 months has my game really improved and in fact I seem to be on a bit of a roll.

Do you guys think its a bad idea if a girl invites you over to her place for the first time you meet. In the last month been to 5 girls places as a first date/meet, I’ve slept with 3 of them. The other two didnt work out and didnt want to do anything. Of those two one ignored me and the other said she didnt want to see me again as she didnt fancy me. In fairness 3/5 isnt too bad.

But do you think its a bad environment to meet a girl? Are you more likely to fuck her if you meet her in a bar close to her place and get her to go back to hers? When you meet at their place its tough because you have to make chit chat etc and then make a move and no alcohol to help you!

Finally I was chatting to an HB7/8 on POF chat messenger, and shes told me to come to her place when I finish work on Sunday at 3am!!! Shes said her flatmates away, and I joked she’d be asleep, she had work the next day, and only if she can make a good cup of tea. But she continued to insist. Shes a hot girl and I dunno if I should meet her when I wont be looking my best. Surely its better to go for a drink and get a little tipsy?

Thoughts guys?

Contrary to popular belief, you DO NOT need to get a girl slightly drunk/tipsy before you make your move, my dear Ali123.  So I wouldn’t even worry about that.

Here’s the thing…

I think a girl who allows a guy she just met to come over to her place is a definite sign that she’s open to hooking up, as your 3 out of 5 ratio should tell you.  The way I like to work things, is I’ll invite a girl to my place when we have plans to go out, let her in, allow her a bit of time to become comfortable with my surroundings, then we go out to dinner or whatever.  So by the time the night is winding down, if I ask her to come back to my place, it won’t be that intimidating for her.

If a girl invites you to HER place, she already feels comfortable with the environment, so its much easier to hook up with her there.  At that point, the only thing you have to work on is comfort/rapport building and attraction, since the logistics are already in your favor.  And let’s face it, if a girl you’ve just met is allowing you into her place on a first date, she’s open to sleeping with you.  So no, I personally don’t think going to a girl’s place for a first date is a bad thing.

Now, if she doesn’t want to LEAVE her place and go out, that does seem a bit odd, since that isn’t really a “date” date.  When you go over to her place, you can ask her if she’d like to go grab a drink or a bite to eat somewhere close by, and then go back to her place afterward, but if she just wants to stay in, then maybe she is just looking for sex.  You have to treat each situation as it comes up, since some girls might just be boring sticks-in-the-mud and others might be looking for some hanky-panky.

But if given the opportunity, I will always accept an invitation to go to the girl’s place.  Yes, you can’t always control the environment – roommates, poor living conditions, etc. – but sometimes it can be better logistically.