At the baseline level, there’s the simple “do or die” factor associated with being the one who’s got to set the example first…paving the way to potential success for the guy who’s trusted me enough to put me to work for him.

Then comes the thrill of watching someone go from good to great at approaching women and creating attraction over the course of a weekend…probably finding out what that feels like for the first time EVER.

But there’s also something else that energizes me.  As much as I’m immersed in all things related to male/female attraction on a daily basis, I still learn A TON every single time I’m in-field with a student.

Some times what I learn is ALL NEW.  Other times it’s more like I get to witness a striking, real-life example that demonstrates in a particularly powerful way why a certain strategy really works.

Either way, it’s amazing and a lot of fun to experience.

This past weekend was no exception.  So if sharing some of what happened is of any benefit to you at all as you interact with women on a day-to-day basis, then so be it.

Here are a half-dozen noteworthy points that came up over the course of the weekend.  My guess is that some of what follows you may instinctively suspect is true already, but a dose of honest-to-goodness field-tested feedback can never, ever hurt.

1) What You Need To Know About Meeting Women At The Book Store

You’ve heard that bookstores are great places to meet women, and I agree.  There’s one major caveat, however—and one I never knew about until this weekend.

Guess what?  The next time you get blown out at Barnes and Noble, it may not have been about you at all.  Apparently, every multi-level marketer in the “get rich quick” world spends his or her time prowling bookstores on Saturday afternoon stalking people.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

During debriefings after approaches my friend made, I spoke to at least two women who expressed they were reticent to talk to ANYONE at a bookstore because of that.  Interestingly, they both STILL were enchanted by the conversation my friend had with them, so this isn’t exactly a “deal breaker”.

The takeaway here is to pick an aisle other than the one with all the business books, and choose an opener other than, “Hey, it looks like you’d like to make some extra money on the side too, huh?”

All told, that should be relatively simple to avoid.

2) The Stronger And More “Independent” She Is, The More She Wants You To Lead

We noticed a pair of female friends sitting at the bar, one of whom appeared to be particularly strong-willed and confident.  You know the type.  Lots of grandiose hand gestures and perpetually projecting the kind of body language that screams “Yeah, right”.

After my friend had a conversation with the pair that clearly engaged them effectively, I followed up to ask them how they think it went.

The one with the strong personality, who looked a lot like Pink, blurted out.  “Why didn’t he just tell me to give him my number?  We want a man who tells us what to do.”

Seizing the opportunity to explore that one, she went on to spout this gem:  “The next time a guy takes me out on a date and asks me what I want to do, I’m going to tell him to drop me off at the Walgreen’s [drug store] because I’m out of tampons.”

Isn’t it interesting how we as guys tend to think we ought to yield MORE to strong-willed women rather than LEAD more?   You’ve got to give women a man they can respect, and the stronger of a personality she is the more frustrated she probably is by the men she’s been meeting lately.  Count on it…and step up to the plate accordingly.

3) If You Say You’re Sorry, She’ll Agree

One of my soapboxes is how women are hard-wired to follow our lead as men.  If the point above demonstrates that fact, this one whacks it upside the head with a shovel.

Simply put, if you open a conversation with a woman with something to the effect of, “I’m sorry to bother you, but…” you’ve already stacked the deck against yourself.

4) Why Downplaying Your Interest Is Actually An Insult

We tend to think the best course of action when approaching a woman is to downplay why we’ve shown up in her airspace.

But least one time this past weekend my friend had to work to recover from exactly that kind of opener.

All he had said was that he was getting bored, so he decided to start a conversation.

Let’s just say that women don’t want to be the solution to your boredom.  They actually WANT you to be interested in them.  They WANT to know they captured your attention for real.

Imagine that…for many women it’s not only okay to express to them in some subtle way that you were attracted, it’s PREFERABLE.

Obviously, however, keep it simple.  Don’t pre-approve them as the new mistress of your universe.  That’s worse than being bored…that’s just boring.

5) A “Hybrid” Of Direct And Indirect Game Is Virtually Unstoppable

How about this?  Instead of debating whether or not “direct” or “indirect” game is the best way to go, consider using what I can only call a “hybrid” of the two.

We got more than our fair share of the usual feedback from women that they inherently KNOW what is going on when a guy approaches them.   Beating around the bush only betrays a low level of confidence.

But then again, saying something like, “I saw you from across the room and had to meet you” does indeed come off as a bit too strong for some women.

I’ve personally had great success with the latter type of approach, but yes…you really do have to gauge what the woman’s personality type is going to be like before starting the conversation in order decide whether or not you can pull that off.

And that, of course, isn’t always the easiest thing to do.

The disarmingly simple truth is this.  If you open with a confident line that conveys the right amount of energy, all the while not hiding AT ALL the fact that you were intrigued enough to come introduce yourself, things are WAY more likely to end well for you.

This concept has proven itself over and over again.

An example from this past weekend would be when we approached two women at a booth in a restaurant and casually mentioned to them that we were the self-appointed managers in charge of making sure everyone was having a good time.  When they laughed and began telling us how everything was, we told them that was great, but really we had just wanted to meet them.

The combination of playful banter and unabashed confidence won them over with breathtaking speed.  Emily and I turned away and started dancing together, leaving my friend to bask in the glory of this one.  Nice job.

6) Stop Fearing Whether She Is Married Or Not

You know how the classic excuse goes.  We talk ourselves out of approaching a woman because, “What if she’s married or has a boyfriend?”

Here it is:  IT DOESN’T MATTER.  At least not as far as getting “rejected” is concerned.

Why not?  Because if you approach a woman the right way, it’s JUST A CONVERSATION…at least at first.

As it turns out, at least 50% of the women my friend approached all weekend were NOT single.  And yet, every single one of those women still engaged in conversation.  EVERY ONE of them.

But here’s the crazy part.  At least a few of them smiled, nodded, leaned in and played with their hair.  Whatever attraction “looks” like, they exhibited it.

If you really have to find something to worry about in order to stay warm at night, concern yourself with what you’re going to do when you’ve flat-out enchanted a woman enough that she really, seriously WOULD go out with you…and THEN you find out she’s married.

That’s far more likely to be a well-founded concern than getting shut out from the get go.  I’m telling you, there are A LOT of frustrated wives out there, gentlemen.

All told, we had visited Barnes and Noble, a killer outfitter store, Target, a restaurant noted for employing particularly sexy waitresses and even the grocery store during the daytime.

At night, we warmed up by singing karaoke in front of the gnarliest audience in town…just to feel the love.  Then we progressed from a well-lit and very social bar to an equally friendly Irish pub.

After successfully meeting and enthralling two or three women at a time at those types of places it was time for the ultimate test.

We invited one of Emily’s attractive single friends along and we went to the two most notorious upscale hangouts for single people in town.  You know them well:  The AMOG-infested shark tanks with a granite bar, Chimay on tap and Italian sports cars littering the parking lot.

Same results.  And you can add a seventh bullet point to the list above.  Self-absorbed d-bag rich guys are a turn off—even to the women who showed up because they thought they might like to get asked out by one.

My friend from out of town RULED.  He and Emily’s friend even ended up getting along VERY nicely.  Go figure.

After pulling an all-nighter culminating in the standard “Breakfast Debriefing” over Chorizo and Egg tacos at Chacho’s around 4.30 am or so, it was time to hit the airport.

The last thing I said to him as we were pulling into San Antonio International was this.  “OK, man.  You’re on a run of having successfully talked to fifteen women or groups of women IN A ROW—I counted.  There’s no reason why you shouldn’t have your confidence HARD WIRED by now.  But just in case, here’s the first thing to do once you get out on your own this morning.  Talk to at least one woman here in this airport, and another when you change planes at DFW.”

I looked over and he was sound asleep…exhausted.

I laughed, and continued out loud, “Alright, you talked me into it.  You get a ‘Mulligan’ here.  But at DFW for sure.”

He caught his plane on time…and all was good in the universe.  As I drove away, I was reminded of why I’ve got the greatest job in the world…again.

When I got home I cracked a Shiner Bock and watched the 7am SportsCenter.  I couldn’t sleep.

Be Good,

Scot McKay

www.deservewhatyouwant.com

Wow well i must congratulate u on making one of the best books of our time, lol

Ive read it all and its the greatest stuff..i know enough praising.. only thing is i find it really hard to approach women, i mean i don’t see the problem when i think about it when its quiet, but as soon as i’m at a bar/club its like my feet are in cement n all the things i remembered just leave my head

I know i can only overcome this by going out there and just doing it but i don’t know why i can’t, lol, just wondering how u managed to and where the confidence comes from.

Any comments would be greatly appreciated

Well, I try to cover this as much as possible in The Art Of Approaching (the book this guy is talking about), but I guess I’ll go into it a bit more in-depth here because this seems to be a large topic of interest for a number of guys.

I always hear people lament "Wow, meeting women is so hard!"  And you know what?  It can be.  There seems to be a myth out there that Approach Anxiety can be "stomped out" forever.  But in my experience, that just isn’t the case.

I know a lot of big time pick-up artists – guys who go out every night and always pull girls – who still suffer from approach anxiety.  I know there are times when I, myself, still do, and I’ve been doing this for a LONG time!

I think the notion that a guy can "always be confident" is an unrealistic expectation to hold oneself to.  Approach Anxiety will always be there in some form or another, because successfully meeting women has a lot to do with your MINDSET.

So then the question becomes:  Is it simply a matter of feeling the fear and doing it anyway?

Well, yes and no.

I look at it as an experience we all know too well.  If you’ve ever had
a big test in high school or college, you know that the time leading UP
to the test is the worst.  When you’re studying, trying to anticipate
what will be on the test, weighing the impact its outcome will have on
your future – its almost too much to bear.

But when you sit down and actually start taking the test, it becomes a
easy.  The pressure has passed, and you accept the fact that you’re
either going to ace it or fail it.  In short:  once you know the
outcome, it becomes easier to accept.

But it’s getting TO THAT POINT that’s the hard part.

Experienced pick-up artist have the benefit of experience on their
side.  They know that every woman is different, but not THAT different,
so they have a reasonable expectation of what their outcome will be
once they approach the girl.  That’s how they get past their approach
anxiety – because their experience tells them they have a good chance
of getting the outcome they want, and once they pass that "point of no
return" of walking up and talking to a girl, they can see if the
outcome is certain or not.

For the average guy who either has very little or no experience with
women, this is a more daunting prospect.  They’ve studied, they know
what they SHOULD do, but they’re unwilling to sit down and have the
teacher administer the test, preferring to let the opportunity to put
their newfound skills and knowledge to use.

Crazy, right?

So in my opinion, overcoming approach anxiety and finding confidence
isn’t so much a question of "feeling fear and doing it anyway."  It’s a
question of managing fear and your own expectations.

You see a girl you want to approach, but you’re afraid.  You feel that
anxiety come over you.  So what do you do?  The answer:  CONTROL it.

Understand that human beings have the ability to control their
emotions.  We often forget that and let our emotions control us, but
this is very counter-productive.

You can control your emotions by controlling your focus.  If your focus
is on approaching a woman and that’s making you afraid, change that
focus.  Focus on what she would look like with hairy legs, a mustache,
or terrible BO.  By changing your focus, you change the emotion.  So
instead of feeling afraid, you may become repulsed, or your attraction
level may go down.

Either way, you’ve "snapped out of" the anxiety.  Then focus on
approaching the girl you imagined with "hairy legs and BO" and you’ll
feel less afraid.

But not feeling fear and feeling confident are two very different things.

Overcoming your anxiety is just half the equation.  The other half is
actually feeling confidence, and the only way to do that is – as I said
before – have a reasonable expectation of what your OUTCOME will be.

Most guys focus on negative outcomes.  The girl rejecting them or brushing them off, for instance.

But if you focus on a positive outcome, such as making her smile,
getting her to laugh, or getting her phone number – something that is
both positive AND reasonable – you can be sure to feel confident of the
outcome of your interaction.

All this really boils down to is a measure of self-control most guys
fail to develop or nurture.  But it is possible to achieve.  It might
take some time, but with practice, it becomes second nature.

Someone on the DC list asked a pretty good question about approaching and fear of the approach. They talked about how hard it was to approach women initially in SS. I think this is a pretty valid point, because the first stage in anyone’s development as a seducer or pick-up artists is to learn how to approach girls.

Speaking as someone who comes from an SS background, I can feel for guys who are going through this. IMO, SS is one of the WORST systems for helping guys learn to cold approach. When I was just doing strict SS, I could not cold-approach to save my life. In fact, some of the best Speed Seducers I know cannot cold approach. They get most of their lays through social circles or the internet. That said, cold approaching is just very hard in general.

The best way to get over this, in my opinion, is to attend an in-field workshop. I know there was one in DC recently taught by Tyler Durden. Nothing helps more than having live, in-field instruction and demonstration by experienced people who can help you troubleshoot and guide you through the process. The only people doing this currently that I know of is Tyler Durden, Mystery, Badboy, and Harmless, who will be starting his workshops up in the coming months. That said, workshops are very “shit or get off the pot” in their nature. They will kick-start you into approaching, but they are NOT very conducive to mental masturbators and armchair seducers, so be sure you are prepared for it.

Short of that, hooking up with other guys who do this stuff is the best way to go. I know a lot of guys in the DC area are getting together on a regular basis to wing each other, which is a great way to learn. I started up my own lair in LA to help me out. Sometimes, just having others to talk to about this shit is good to help increase your skills.

The hardest part about approaching is just overcoming that fear of rejection. We all become so conditioned to avoiding emotional pain, that we get that knot in our stomachs every time we are about to talk to a girl we find attractive. The best guys I’ve seen at this have no fear of approaching because they are able to detach themselves from the outcome. Whenever you see a beautiful girl you wanna bang, you give her a lot of sexual power over you, which you then have to go about trying to regain in order to effectively sarge her.

What I’m doing in my game right now is getting to the point where I do not feel the need to give the girl that power. Where my inner game has hit such a level that I do not have to get validation from a girl. Its a tough thing to do, and something I’m struggling with. But all I have to do is look at someone like Zan, who is completely free of all that bullshit, to the point where he naturally attracts people to him. Its a very powerful and congruent way to live your life.

I’ll probably talk about this more later. Right now I gotta run. Gonna hang out with my brother and his hippy friends.

Thundercat